Angels Will Fall: The Castiel Chronicles
by siriusenigma
Summary: Castiel is a proper Angel of the Lord, a Captain of the Garrison. Then he meets the righteous man and a half-demon woman, and everything he has ever known comes crumbling down. Castiel's fall from grace - from his own point of view!
1. S4 Part 1, First Meetings

**Author's Note: Please review! I don't own Supernatural. Scoobynatural was amazing!**

 **October 31**

Castiel had time to think, and that was never good. Uriel stood still as a statue as they waited on the Winchester brothers to arrive back at their motel room. The other angel's silence, while usually customary, somehow felt like a foreboding omen.

Once again, Castiel was full of doubts.

It had happened a lot lately, these last 20 or so years since Anna had Fallen. For example: What were the angels doing to stop this seal, the Rising of Samhain, from being broken? Was it only himself and Uriel? Why were they leaving such an important seal, which they _knew_ the demons were planning on breaking (as opposed to the hundreds of seals they were unsure about) up to the Winchester brothers?

And what of their true orders: follow the orders of the righteous man, Dean Winchester. What was the reasoning behind this?

Also, surely his superiors must have known that the righteous man was in Hell. They _must_ have known since he had arrived in Hell the previous spring. If not, Castiel felt that this had been a fairly large oversight. Why had it taken his superiors so long to give the go-ahead for the siege on Hell? He could have pulled the righteous man before he had broken, if he had only been informed earlier…

Most of all, Castiel felt, more and more these days, that something was terribly wrong in Heaven.

But he was a soldier, a Captain now. He was a righteous angel, and his duty was to follow orders without question. Once again, he shoved his doubts aside. They were blasphemy.

His thoughts were disrupted by the arrival of the Winchester brothers, accompanied by a woman Castiel had never seen before.

Castiel had met Dean, of course, and he had also seen Sam, though Sam had not yet met him. The woman surprised him, however. He knew the Winchesters were not often accompanied by guests, particularly on hunts. The Winchesters were his charge, after all – if she had spent a significant amount of time with them before, Castiel felt that he would have known.

The first thing Castiel noticed about her was her smell. She smelled like… Heaven. She smelled like everything he wanted, and everything he hadn't even realized he had wanted. He stared at her, narrowing his eyes, and realized that he never wanted to _stop_ staring.

But there were other matters to attend to. Sam was shouting, "Who are you?"

Dean spotted Castiel, and vaulted into the hotel room ahead of Sam. "Sam! Sam, wait! It's Castiel… the angel." He gestured to Uriel, who Castiel had almost forgotten was also present. "Him I don't know."

"Hello, Sam." Castiel replied in his deep voice, at last wrenching his eyes off of the woman.

"Oh my God!" Sam responded, clearly at a loss for words. "Er, uh… I didn't mean to… sorry. It's an honor. Really, I've heard a lot about you." Sam attempted to shake Castiel's hand, which Castiel returned reluctantly.

"And I, you," Castiel said. "Sam Winchester, the boy with the demon blood. Glad to hear you've ceased your extracurricular activities."

Castiel then turned once again toward the woman, who was looking at him with apprehension. And then he realized: she was half-demon! The force of this realization made him almost stagger back in alarm. The righteous man was spending time with a half-demon? He hadn't known any even existed! The anti-Christ, here with them! Did his superiors know?

Sharply, he asked, "Dean, why have you not killed the half-demon?"

The half-demon drew out her revolver, and Castiel in turn drew his angel blade. "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Sam and Dean screamed. "Everybody put the weapons down!"

Castiel would kill her, he _had_ to kill her. He could not hesitate… but they were under orders to follow the orders of the righteous man. And the righteous man seemed to already know that she was a half-demon. Reluctantly, and against his better judgment, Castiel lowered the angel blade, and the half-demon did the same, staring daggers at him.

"Ember is a friend," Dean said to Castiel. "She's helping us with the case."

"But she's half-demon." It wasn't a question. "She will kill us all."

"No, she won't!" Dean said.

"I've never killed anyone I could save," Ember spat at him.

Castiel looked at her quizzically again. He had expected a typical demon response: "Bite me," or something like that.

"She's a friend, Castiel. We're all friends here," said Dean. "Cas, put that away. Ember, your revolver won't work on him anyway."

Once again, Castiel was bound to follow the orders of the righteous man. Finally, he lowered his weapon, and the half-demon did the same.

He could not kill her, but he still had to know the truth about her. How many had she killed? His superiors would want a report back. Uriel was waiting on him to take action.

Slowly, he approached the half-demon. The smell got worse, and he wanted to… he wanted to… he swallowed hard. She shrank back, putting her hand up to stop Castiel if needed, as though she had that power.

 _Perhaps she does have that power_ , Castiel thought with alarm. If she did, she wasn't using it, however.

"I won't kill you," Castiel promised. He very much wanted to kill her, not least of all because he didn't like the way she was making him feel. Still, the righteous man's orders were law, for now, and it would not do to make Dean angrier than he already was. Dean already didn't trust him, which Castiel found disrespectful and blasphemic… but then, Dean was only human.

Dean was also standing directly in front of the abomination – not that he couldn't fly, but he knew for a fact that Dean was quick, and could fight fairly well, costing them precious time. For now, Castiel needed to placate the righteous man, and that meant placating this abomination.

More importantly, demon minds had natural resistance to mind-reading, and the process Castiel was about to attempt was more likely to work for Castiel if he somehow managed to convince her to agree to it. "I won't hurt you, either, just keep your hands to your sides," he said. "I just want to look inside your mind, to judge you. It may make things easier for everyone."

"And what if you judge me unworthy?" Ember asked the angel, her eyebrows knitting together.

That was likely, but she needed to be judged, nonetheless. Uriel was shooting him an impatient look, and Castiel knew that Uriel wanted him to get on with it. Still, once again, Castiel thought it best to anger as few people as possible, and give himself the best chance of getting the most information possible. If she would not allow it, like with the psychic Pamela, he would have to do so by force. Castiel thought for a moment, then said, "I will inform you before I kill you."

He doubted whether that would make a difference, and prepared to read the abomination's mind by force. Miraculously, however, the half-demon nodded to Dean, who moved out of the way. Castiel took two fingers and stretched them out to Ember's head, allowing them to linger there for a minute.

Immediately he was hit by the force of her mind. He had expected her to resist him, but it was the opposite – she laid herself bare to him. It hit him unexpectedly, and the pleasant feeling he had felt before overwhelmed him suddenly. He was drowning in it- he had never, _ever_ felt this good.

He was a proper angel.

With an effort, he backtracked. He resented her, suddenly, for allowing him to get lost in this feeling. Still, he also could tell from her mind that it wasn't her fault – it was part of the abomination, related to who she was, and she couldn't help it.

No longer overwhelmed by the feeling of her mind, Castiel began to sift through and absorb information.

Ember Nelson – that was her name. She was Bobby's daughter, though a demon had been involved at some point. _Bobby's daughter… that's how she knows the Winchesters, then._

She was a Therapist by trade. _Therapist? Really?_

Castiel sifted through her mind, attempting to pull relevant information. A kill count, he wanted a kill count. _Four humans._ No, that wasn't right. _Four human hosts._ And guilt, so much guilt…

Castiel held back a snarl, frustrated. She was hiding things from him. But she _wasn't_ hiding anything, he could tell that. He was accomplished in mind-reading, and he would've known if she had put up barriers. He looked further back. There must be something…

But there was nothing, nothing even demon-related, until her teen years. Her powers hadn't manifested until her teens. _Was this common?_ He had heard of a few half-demons, and all of them had laid waste to thousands of humans, though he didn't know if that had started while they were still young.

Then there were the teen years… here he could feel her mind protesting, but she did not create barriers. Castiel got the impression that she didn't know how, though it would've been easy enough for her to do if she'd wanted. Then things had happened to her… bad things, because of demons. There was something important here, he thought, but the force of the feelings that accompanied the things that had happened to her was so strong that it blocked out everything else. She hated demons, _hated_ them… she would _never_ be like them…

Her mind set up a barrier of its own accord, steering Castiel suddenly away from these memories. He could tell, however, that the barrier was put up accidentally to avoid the memories rather than on purpose in order to hide something, so he allowed it. He had touched on enough of the memories to know their content, anyway, and he no longer wished to see these memories. She may be an abomination, but she had done nothing to deserve what had happened to her at the hands of the demons.

Instead, he sifted through other, more mundane memories to find her powers. _"Party tricks,"_ she had said to Dean. Opening doors, making objects come to her from across the room… _She hasn't tapped into her real powers. This is nothing near what she is capable of._ He could see it in her mind. _"I'll never be like them…"_ She was too afraid of going "dark side."

But recently there had been more, ever since Dean had gone to Hell, Castiel could see. She could move humans now, and recently she had helped Sam and Dean fight off demons in a restaurant…

Castiel had seen enough. He severed the link to her mind, and felt cold suddenly, and unhappy, without the pleasant feeling he hadn't even realized he was still experiencing. He felt disoriented and uncomfortable, an odd feeling in itself for the angel.

Finally, Castiel removed his fingers, stepping back away from Ember. "Very curious," he said. "You have maintained control of your demon powers. You have never made a kill that was not a demon. You have even spared the host, when you could manage it. I must consult with my superiors about whether or not we should kill you. But, do not fear, it will not be today. We have other matters to attend to. This raising of Samhain, have you stopped it?"

Ember looked at Dean quizzically, who caught her eye and shrugged while Sam answered the angel's question. "Angels," he said. "They're weird like that."

 **October 31, Night**

Castiel's superior was a businesslike woman named Domiel. Castiel had always considered himself lucky to have Domiel as a supervisor – she was fair, but kind to everyone and merciless in battle. Domiel had been his supervisor since her promotion, which had been around the time Anna had fallen over 20 years ago. At that time, Castiel had been promoted to Captain, the position everyone had expected Domiel to take, and Domiel had been moved forward an extra rank to Corporal. Before that, Domiel had been the closest thing to a friend that Castiel had had.

"Do _you_ think that the half-demon needs to be killed?" Domiel asked Castiel shrewdly.

Castiel shook his head. "The Winchesters trust her. And like I said, I could find no stains on her record. There has never been a killing that wasn't a demon, and she has exorcised the demon and saved the human host when she could."

Domiel continued to look at Castiel shrewdly. "This is odd… I will have to take this to my superiors. Although, if we can be _sure_ she fights on the side of our Father, she may be helpful in the coming war. Certainly, we cannot yet discount this."

Domiel folded her hands in front of her, which Castiel took to mean that she had come to her decision. "I will wait for a decision from my superiors," she said. "In the meantime, you will keep watch over this half-demon in addition to your other duties. Find out more about what makes her different than the other half-demons Heaven has encountered, and, most importantly, any risk of leaving her alive. You do not need to watch her on a regular basis, like you do the Winchesters, unless you feel the need. Just check on her from time to time. Is that acceptable?"

No. No, it wasn't acceptable. Castiel never wanted to see the half-demon again. After all, had his orders not been to follow _Dean's_ orders, he would have smited her on the spot, like Uriel had wanted. She made him feel… _things_ , and the last thing he wanted to do was feel more of it. And yet, he couldn't wait to see her again…

"Is there a problem?" Domiel asked, and Castiel realized he had not answered immediately.

Castiel looked at his old friend. He couldn't possibly say, "She scares me because she makes me feel things." The memory of losing Anna was still too raw, and he would not be the next to Fall. "No," he said finally. "Consider it done."

 **November 1**

Dean, Sam, and Ember had not saved the seal, and the doubts were back, in full force. The angels had _known_ the demons were attempting to break that seal. Shouldn't this have commanded the attention of more than two angels? Castiel had been sure that there would be other angels on hand if the Winchesters had failed to save the seal, but he had been wrong.

He decided to visit with Dean, who was currently sitting on a park bench watching children play. Once he arrived, however, he was unsure how to begin the conversation. Their last conversation had been awkward at best, after all. Unsure of a better topic of conversation, Castiel said, "Your friend is interesting."

Dean scoffed. "Have you decided whether or not to kill her?"

Castiel paused, but he saw no reason not to pass along Domiel's conclusion. "She will be monitored, but for now my superiors have determined that she does not pose a threat and may in fact be helpful to our cause."

"Too bad you pissed her off, then, isn't it?" Dean said, rolling his eyes.

"She understands our initial hesitation. Half-demons are extremely rare, and usually very powerful. Finding one that has not indulged in that power for demonic purposes is rare and special indeed."

Dean nodded, and Castiel continued brazenly. Perhaps Dean would be able to properly explain the feelings that Ember evoked. He knew her better, after all. "She makes me feel funny, and I don't like it."

Castiel was immediately unhappy with what he had said. He sounded like a petulant child, and his words certainly did not befit a thousands-of-years-old celestial being.

"Are you trying to tell me you _desire_ her?" Dean asked in amazement.

"No," Castiel said immediately, no doubt in his mind. "Angels do not desire humans, and they certainly do not desire demons."

Dean rolled his eyes. "Whatever, Castiel."

Clearly Dean was as clueless as Castiel about these feelings. Like the rest of his doubts, Castiel vowed to put them from his mind. He had ignored the doubts for over 20 years now, since Anna's fall; he could ignore them some more.


	2. S4 Part 2, Crying Women

**Author's Note: I don't own Supernatural!**

 **November 12**

 **TWO WEEKS LATER**

Castiel had been busy, but he finally took the opportunity to check on Ember on November 9th. He found her in a dreamless sleep, and vowed to check back later.

He once again had an opportunity on November 12th, and this time he made sure that it was in the daytime.

Ember was at work, in a busy hospital, surrounded by clean-looking nurses. He felt immediately the warm, pleasant feeling that accompanied being around her, and worked not to let it overwhelm him. He desperately wanted to be nearer to her, and forced himself to stay invisible and just close enough to hear her with his angel hearing.

"-didn't leave a forwarding number or anything in case of emergencies?" Ember was asking a portly looking nurse.

"No, Ember, he's on a vacation. He's a busy man, you know," the nurse replied.

"No, I understand," Ember said. "It's just that Johnny's tried to hang himself from the ceiling twice in the last 24 hours, and you know how smart he is. He almost managed it last night!"

"Doesn't he have a 1-to-1?"

"Of course, but-…"

"I'm sorry, there's nothing more we can do."

Ember looked disappointed, but nodded, and stalked off to her office. She put her head in her hands, a bit of her brown hair coming loose from the tight clip she kept it in.

"What's the _point_ of a mental health facility if we can't even have an on-call psychiatrist 24/7?" she asked no one in particular, though her voice was muffled by her hands. "Stupid cutbacks."

Finally, Ember picked up the phone. "Yeah, Mrs. Espinosa? Yes, I just wanted to inform you that Johnny attempted to hang himself again this morning… yes, he is being monitored, it wasn't nearly as close as last night… I'm not on the unit right now, but you can of course talk to him on the unit… yes, I'll give you the number again…"

Castiel had better things to do. This was clearly a human matter. Before he left, however, he wandered back out to the unit. It was easy to find Johnny. He was a tall, scrawny boy, and two nurses were attempting to talk him down from a chair. A third, harassed-looking nurse was readying an injection with a long needle.

Flying invisible behind the thin boy, he laid his hand on the boys' calf. The boy didn't even seem to notice – his eyes were blown wide, and Castiel could see why. In his mind, the nurses were monsters. They looked a bit like demons, except that they were somewhat more symmetrical, and purple. Castiel thought they looked a bit comical, but Johnny was clearly terrified of them. Castiel checked briefly to make sure there was nothing actually wrong with the nurses (there wasn't), and then found the missing links in Johnny's mind, fixing them instantly.

Johnny appeared to awaken from a dream, nearly falling backward on top of Castiel as he came out of his stupor. "Wha- wha?" he said.

Castiel didn't stay to see the rest – he had more important things to do.

 **November 23** **rd**

 **TWO WEEKS LATER**

Castiel had been extremely busy lately, and frankly, his duty to monitor Ember had gotten away from him. Most of his recent duties, when he was not keeping an eye on the Winchesters, had related to tracking down his old boss, Anna.

The orders to kill her, should he find her, had nearly caused his undoing. Should she be forgiven? She had not caused any damage since her Fall. She had ripped out her grace, even, and Uriel already had it in a chain on his neck. What harm was there in leaving her alive, a simple human?

But rules were rules. Anna had Fallen, and there was no room for mercy in this case.

But once again, the Winchesters had changed all of that. They had pitted the demons against the angels, and meanwhile Anna had grabbed her grace from Uriel and escaped with it.

Castiel was angry with his old boss, far more than he'd expected. She was so different now from the angel she used to be, the angel he had thought she was… Still, a part of him was glad that she had escaped unharmed. This part of him was bigger than he was willing to admit.

Either way, Anna was in the wind, and now that she was an angel once again there was next to no chance of locating her. Castiel had been taken off the case, therefore, leaving him (to his horror) the time once again to check in on the half-demon woman.

When he finally found her, she was driving her car. Her phone was set to "speaker phone", and was sitting on her dashboard as she drove. There were tear tracks on her cheeks, though she was not currently crying.

"-not accustomed to asking girls to give my brother a second chance, but you have to know that he's pretty upset," said the voice coming from the phone. Castiel realized with a start that it was Sam Winchester.

"Well, so am I," Ember said. "I mean, we weren't really seeing each other or anything, not exactly, so he was free to do what he wants, but-…"

"Bullshit," said Sam. "What he did was wrong. You _weren't_ technically dating, but you may as well have been."

"Well, exactly," Ember said. "So I have a little bit of righteous anger, is all. But anyway, I'm sorry I bailed early on the party."

"I can hardly blame you," said Sam. "It must've been a shock."

"Well, it wasn't fun, seeing the two of them screwing in the back of the Impala. I just hope it doesn't ruin our friendship."

Someone had been having sex in the back of the Impala… that would've been Dean, Castiel could only assume. And it sounded as though Ember was pretty upset about it. Sam had said that she and Dean hadn't technically been dating, but that they "may as well have been…" Castiel could only assume that this was one of those human nuances that he had difficulty understanding.

"I don't see why it would," Sam was saying. "Are you saying you'd be opposed to seeing us if we swung through town at some point? I mean, I doubt we'll be seeing Anna anytime soon, so she and Dean shouldn't be an issue…"

Wait. Dean had had sex… with _Anna?_ Castiel shuddered. Clearly Anna had Fallen even farther than Castiel had thought. This was intensely disturbing. Castiel was so distracted that he only barely resurfaced from his thoughts in time to hear Ember's response: "Look, Sam, I'd love to see _you_ again, but not Dean, so much. I just need a break from… I don't know." Castiel could see another tear leak from Ember's eye.

It sounded like Sam wanted to argue the point, but instead he said, "Got it. If I can make that happen, I'll look you up next time I come through town, okay? Just… don't be a stranger, online at least."

"Got it," Ember said. "Bye, Sam. Thanks for everything."

"Bye, Ember."

And Castiel disappeared.

 **December 2**

 **ONE WEEK LATER**

"What of the half-demon girl?" Castiel said in his meeting with Domiel. It had been a two-hour meeting, during which everything from the Winchesters to the apocalypse to Anna's relationship with Dean had been discussed. It had been good to catch up with Domiel, even in the context of a supervisory meeting. He was beginning to realize that he desperately missed the angel he had considered his closest sister for over a millennia.

Domiel was not as horrified to hear about Anna's transgressions as Castiel had been. "That should have been assumed, Castiel," she chastised him. "Anna has Fallen, and it only makes sense for her to take part, as a human, in the things in which humans take part. It is a disgrace that she has Fallen, not that she has committed the act of fornication." Castiel nodded, filing this away as important information to think upon another time.

Aside from this, none of the items he had discussed with Domiel had been subjects that he _really_ wanted to talk about. He wished there were anyone – _anyone_ – with whom he could discuss his doubts, his fears, and the odd feeling he got whenever he was around Ember. It would have been the sort of thing he would have discussed with Domiel, had she not been his supervisor.

"It has been determined, based on the facts you have presented us with, that the half-demon is not a threat and should remain alive," Domiel explained, returning Castiel's mind to the subject at hand.

Castiel felt the tiniest bit of relief. "Shall I continue to watch her?" he asked.

"No, that won't be necessary," Domiel said, and Castiel felt a slight pang of disappointment, which he promptly ignored. "Particularly since you have indicated that the half-demon is no longer spending time with the Winchesters, we need your talents elsewhere. We need you protecting the seals and keeping watch over the Winchesters, but you _will_ send one of your subordinates in your stead. You will read the reports, and will flag me if the half-demon makes a move you think I need to know about."

"Consider it done," Castiel said dispassionately, and moved toward a new topic of conversation. It was a relief, in the end.

 **February 9**

 **TWO MONTHS LATER**

Castiel had been extremely busy for the past two months, but had still managed to check on Samandriel's reports. Almost all of them were the same:

" _Ember attends work Monday through Friday during daytime hours. She occasionally works on weekends as well. She shows genuine care about her patients. She dreams about them occasionally at night, often in situations in which they are helpless and she is trying to assist but is for some reason unable…"_

 _"_ _Ember shows no signs of her demon side taking control. Despite her inner power level growing as the Apolcalypse draws nearer, she likely does not even realize just how much it has grown. This week she used her powers to grab a number of items from across the room, to turn invisible to spy on two co-workers who she was convinced were having a conversation about her, and to listen in on three separate conversations between her patients, one of which ultimately prevented a possible suicide attempt…"_

Occasionally, Samandriel even included something to inform Castiel of his own desperation to be reassigned:

" _Ember shows no knowledge of the world of angels and demons aside from what has been taught to her by Robert Singer and the Winchester brothers, and continued intensive monitoring of this individual may not be necessary."_

After reports like these, Castiel would be sure to pay Samandriel a visit and remind him that he was appreciated.

Very rarely, there would be something out of the ordinary. On December 29th, Samandriel's report stated, " _Ember was at a store called Target when a demon noticed her from across the store. It followed her out to the parking lot, where she used her force powers to hold it still while she exorcised it."_

Similarly, on January 14th, Samandriel's report again stated, " _Ember was at home when a younger demon in a female body was in the neighborhood and rang the doorbell. Ember did not open the door but performed an exorcism regardless. The vacated host began to cry, and she and Ember have spent time at coffee shops discussing the supernatural on two occasions since then."_

Finally, on February 9th, Samandriel's report had information of a most surprising sort: _"Ember has once again reunited with the Winchesters. Robert Singer called her to assist with a siren case, as he felt that the brothers were not properly equipped to identify and fight a siren. Ember was able to identify the siren, and use her powers to assist Robert Singer in saving both Winchester brothers from the siren. At this time Ember has returned to her home in Indiana, but has suggested getting together with the Winchester brothers again 'in a couple of months.'"_

Castiel felt a swooping sensation in his chest, and wondered if this was what it was like when humans felt nauseous. It was a pleasant feeling, though, which did not make sense with what humans described before they threw up. Either way, if she was once more spending time around Dean, he was sure to see her again at some point. He almost wished that he would have assisted with the siren, but this was silly – he had other, more important things to do.

Castiel immediately alerted Domiel of the change in Ember's status, but his orders stayed the same. Determined not to consider the matter further, Castiel returned to his work protecting the seals, and, of course, keeping watch over the Winchesters when he could.

 **February 17**

 **ONE WEEK LATER**

Castiel didn't understand why he was still here. The damage had already been done – this particular seal had already been broken. The only reason Castiel's Garrison was still present was because there were still demons around to battle, and because they had not yet been given instructions to retreat. Still, their original objective had been failed, so it wouldn't be long now.

Very suddenly, two things occurred. First, Samandriel gave a cry across angel radio, asking Castiel to come immediately.

Then, to Castiel's immense surprise, Ember herself prayed to him. "Castiel, if you can hear this prayer, please come," was all that was said.

" _I have other matters to attend to,"_ he told his second-in-command, Rachel, across angel radio. " _It regards the Winchesters. I'm leaving you in command."_

" _Be well,"_ he heard in response, and he flew immediately to where Samandriel kept watch, silent and invisible, over Ember.

Once again, once he was standing in her presence, he was overwhelmed by her smell and the pleasant feeling it gave him. He did not have long to linger on this, however, because then he saw the bodies. There were three of them, all men. Two had been sloppily covered with a trash bag. A third lay a bit away from the other two. Ember stood next to them, covered in blood. She had been crying, he could tell, and she looked thin and frail. Despite this, she stood still as a statue, a determined, manic look in her eyes.

Samandriel stood next to her, though she couldn't see him. He looked almost as frightened as Ember, his eyes blown wide and scared.

"What is this?" Castiel asked them both angrily.

"I killed them," Ember said determinedly, though she refused to look at the bodies. Then, taking a breath, she added, "I want you to kill me."

" _That's not true,"_ Samandriel said immediately, speaking only to Castiel through their angel radio. But Castiel had not needed Samandriel's assertions to know this. He knew when he was being lied to, and he knew, without a doubt, that the half-demon was lying.

Without assessing further, Castiel placed two fingers on her forehead. He braced himself for the feeling of her mind, and so he was better able to handle (and ignore) the pleasant feeling that surrounded him immediately. This time, rather than being overwhelmed by the feel of her mind, he was overwhelmed by what he saw there.

There was guilt – pure, and raw, and overwhelming for them both. She wanted to die – she truly, and completely wanted to die. Castiel could see what had happened. Two demons had followed her home from work. One had taken possession of Carl, one of her clients at the hospital, and the other had taken possession of a staff member. The one who had taken possession of Carl had white eyes. _Alastair. Domiel will need to know as soon as I can get away._

Alastair and one henchman had arrived on Ember's doorstep. Ember's current boyfriend, Eric, had let them inside before Ember could protest, accidentally breaking the salt line in the process. Eric had been wearing an anti-possession charm that Ember had bought him, though he thought it was simply a gift from his new girlfriend and did not understand the importance.

The two demons had thrown Eric aside and gone after Ember. She had had difficulty fighting Alastair, who was extremely powerful, and had been forced to shoot the other demon with her revolver just to get him out of the way for a few seconds. Alastair had knocked the revolver from her hand and thrown her against the wall, then come over and began to sniff her.

Desperate, Ember had used her powers to send two kitchen knives (butter knives, from the dining room) sailing into Alastair's back. At that point, both demons had given Ember a shocked look and smoked out, black clouds rising toward the Heavens. Castiel could only assume that this was the point at which Samandriel had arrived on the scene. He could not guard Ember all of the time, but was instructed to be with her off and on in regular intervals.

After the fight, Eric, the boyfriend, had awakened from when the demons had shoved him aside and begun to scream. Desperate, Ember had hit him over the head, knocking him out once again… he was just unconscious, then.

Since that point, Ember had paced around the room a few times, and finally decided to pray to Castiel. Perhaps it would be quick and painless, she thought, and a surefire way to kill herself, rather than pills or even a gunshot wound. Castiel would be the better choice, rather than perhaps Uriel, who would be more likely to torture her. She would like to die, she thought, by the hand of an Angel of the Lord… even if Dean was right, and they were dicks.

Castiel was a mixture of shocked and insulted. He was not a hammer – he was not a death-dealer, at least not in this way, nor did he provide mercy suicides away from the field of battle.

Then there was the fact that she wanted to die at all. Everything about this was _wrong_. She had killed two demons, and even tried her best to save the hosts. She had been overwhelmed. She had fought against _Alastair,_ and they had almost lost her to Hell. _Not that it would be a loss, with her being a half-demon_ , Castiel reminded himself. But perhaps that was unfair. This abomination had put in more effort today than most humans, and done more of a service to Heaven - and it had been simply in defense of her own life. And for that, she wanted to die.

"Why didn't you kill me?" she asked angrily when she realized that he was no longer touching her.

"You gave false witness to what happened," Castiel said. "You do not deserve to die."

"I am half-demon," she said, narrowing her eyes. "Even you said I should be killed, before. I am ready to die." Castiel's trip in her mind, however, had informed him that her attitude was all for show. She was holding back tears, and the dam was about to break.

"I will not kill you," Castiel said. "My superiors have ordered that you should live."

And then the dam broke, and Ember collapsed on the floor, sobbing.

Castiel looked at Samandriel, who was looking back at him, shrugging.

The Winchesters would know what to do. _"Wait here,"_ he told Samandriel through angel radio. " _I will return with comfort for her. You have done well to alert me tonight. You have saved her from a great evil, and you have done Heaven a good service. You may retire for the night, if you like, when I return."_

He did not wait for Samandriel's nod, but instead flew to the Winchesters, who were both asleep. "Wake up," he said upon landing. "You're coming with me."

Both brothers awakened immediately, grabbing weapons from under their pillows and starting toward Castiel before recognition kicked in. "Cas, what the hell!" Dean screamed when he finally recognized the angel.

"You're coming with me," Castiel repeated, unfazed. He did not have time for Dean to attend to his human needs. The demons may return, and Castiel wanted to be back at Ember's apartment if they did. He began to walk toward the brothers with his hands outstretched toward their foreheads.

Dean backed up toward the wall. "Why?"

Castiel lowered his arms, annoyed. He would have to do this in Dean-language. What would appeal to Dean? _Women. Sex. Damsels in distress._ "Because I'm not accustomed to dealing with crying women."

"What?" Good. Dean was attentive, and less agitated.

"It's your woman. That girl you keep looking at when you think she's not looking. The one who won't have the sex with you. Ember. She killed some demons. She's very upset about it. She prayed to me. She asked me to kill her, but I have orders that she is best left alive. I am an Angel of the Lord. I do not have training in hiding bodies and dealing with crying women. Are you coming, or not?"

Castiel was very proud that this method had worked. He would have to use this method of engaging Dean again in the future. Perhaps this method of learning their motivations and speaking with them accordingly was best when working with all humans.

Two minutes later, the two brothers and the angel arrived in the living room of Ember's apartment, across the country. While it had still been bright in the Winchester's motel room in California, the sun in Indiana was just beginning to set outside of Ember's window.

Ember had wrapped a green throw rug around herself, and her eyes narrowed when Castiel returned with the brothers. "Why did you have to go and bring back the freaking Winchesters?" she snapped at Castiel.

"They hide bodies," Castiel filled in, gesturing toward the corner, and Ember winced.

"Who were they?" Dean asked.

Ember's eyes rose to him, and he saw several tears leak out. "A client of mine. He was… he was only 23," she said.

As Ember began to explain, Castiel nodded to Samandriel. " _I will take it from here,"_ he told the younger angel. _"There is no need for both of us, and I am charged to watch over the Winchesters anyway. I will call you when you are needed to resume your duties, or if I need assistance."_

Samandriel nodded once and disappeared. Castiel didn't blame him – Alastair was not to be trifled with. In fact, Alastair could have killed Samandriel easily, but perhaps he had been on a fact-finding mission and had not expected to be caught. This thought scared Castiel more than anything he had yet seen that night. The demons knew about Ember, then, that much was certain. What plans did they have for the demon girl? Perhaps Castiel would assign a second angel to her detail.

Dean and Sam both spent quite awhile after that comforting the half-demon, until her tears had slowed down.

"Sam and I will take care of everything," Dean said finally. "Cas, will you stay with her for one second? We need to coordinate."

Castiel nodded once, and made a special effort to not appear scared of this prospect. It was one thing to search the half-demon's mind to find her motivations and feelings – it was another thing entirely to simply sit in her presence with no clear goal.

He made his way slowly over to the sofa. He wondered if she would attempt to hug him like she had Dean and Sam a few minutes before, but was relieved to realize that she kept her distance. He should offer some words of comfort, he decided. She may be a half-demon, but she hadn't deserved this life. "If it is any comfort to you, your friends are most likely in Heaven now."

Ember shot him a mean look. Isn't this what humans said to each other at funerals? Perplexed, he chose to remain silent until Sam and Dean mercifully reentered the room. "Hey, Cas," Sam said, pulling the angel aside as Dean automatically returned to Ember. "Is there any chance you could wipe her boyfriend's memories?"

"I could do this," Castiel said, eager for a way to help the situation that didn't require him to deal with crying women. "How much would you like him to forget?"

"Everything," said Ember. "He should forget me entirely."

Castiel could've sworn he saw a small smile on Dean's face. He nodded, and set to work.


	3. S4 Part 3, The Righteous Angel

**Author's Note: I don't own Supernatural.**

 **Let me know what you think in reviews!**

 **March 13**

 **ONE MONTH LATER**

Samandriel's reports had changed drastically. _"Since the appearance of Alastair, Ember has continued to live with her father, Robert Singer. She continues to assist him in any capacity she can, be it cooking or cleaning or going to the store. She spends a significant amount of time training each day, be it working out, using her powers, or shooting guns in a make-shift gun range. These "work-outs" of her powers involve moving trees and lifting increasingly heavy objects with her mind. Robert Singer allows her to move him occasionally, although he consistently states that he is "too old for this crap." When they practice together, she does not move him aside from simple levitation. This week she texted with both Winchester brothers and made no less than 23 references to going hunting with them at some unspecified time. The elder Winchester brother made a veiled or unveiled reference to her beauty, or an obvious attempt to flirt, on 86 different occasions that I witnessed alone. It is appearing more and more inevitable that Ember will join the Winchesters on the road sooner rather than later."_

Castiel didn't need Samandriel's reports to be aware of this, however – he knew this simply from his monitoring of the Winchester brothers. He quickly came to learn that any time Dean was staring at his phone with what Sam called a "stupid grin" on his face, he was probably talking to Ember. Ember seemed to make Dean happy, and he gathered from Samandriel's reports that Dean also had brought happiness back into Ember's life after her brief interaction with Alastair.

On the 13th of March, Castiel once more found himself in Domiel's office.

"Too many seals are being broken, too quickly," she said briskly. "The demons have stepped up their attempts."

"I know," Castiel said. "What would you have me do?"

Domiel sighed, looking over a long list of paperwork. "I see that your Garrison is doing very well," she said. "Better than most, actually."

Castiel nodded. "They work very hard."

Domiel continued to look over the paperwork. "You appear to already have your entire garrison assigned to protecting the seals, except for… Samandriel." Domiel looked closely at Castiel. "You may reassign him to battle."

Castiel nodded. "Samandriel will be happy about that," he said. "He has worked hard, and I agree that it's time for him to go into battle and take a more active role. I feel he will excel there."

Domiel sighed. "Even if I thought he would fail, we still need him in battle," she admitted. For a second, the ghost of his old friend flickered across Domiel's face, and Castiel remembered their discussions in happier times.

"And Ember?" Castiel asked.

"Ember… the half-demon?"

"Yes," Castiel confirmed. He realized that he had grown accustomed to using her name recently, copying Sam and Dean. "Apologies, I seem to have adopted some of the language patterns of the righteous man and his brother."

"Speaking of which," said Domiel, shooting Castiel a guilty look, "It has been brought to my attention that perhaps you have… grown close to your human charges."

Castiel reeled back, insulted. "Please let me know what I have done to warrant this accusation," he said between clenched teeth.

Domiel sighed and gave him another guilty look. In spite of himself, Castiel realized that his old friend was looking more and more stressed recently. It was not a good look for an angel. "I am unfortunately not at liberty to say," she said. "However, for the time being, I am relocating you to the front lines."

Castiel wasn't sure how he felt about this. On the one hand, he wanted to stay with the Winchesters. They were _his_ charges. He had raised Dean from _perdition_ … but pride was a very human feeling. Perhaps Domiel was right, and he _was_ growing too close.

"The truth is, Castiel, you are an able soldier," Domiel said. "Even if this accusation hadn't been made, you are still needed on the front lines. And the mysterious murders of the angels in your Garrison is concerning. You are needed with your soldiers."

Castiel cringed, knowing this to be true. He, too, was alarmed about the recent murders of those under his charge. "Wherever I can best serve our Father is where I will go," Castiel said. "I will be grateful for the chance to keep a closer watch over those under my command."

"Good," said Domiel. "I am sure that, in the end, the doubts of our brothers will prove pointless. In the meantime, as the Winchesters are comfortable with you, you will still be summoned for any face-to-face contact with them. Another angel will be tasked with monitoring both the Winchesters and the half-demon in your stead."

Well, at least he would still see the Winchesters and Ember from time to time, then. He pushed aside his prideful feeling, nodded at his old friend, and disappeared in a fluttering of wings.

 **March 18**

Castiel saw Dean only four days later. Sam, Dean, and Ember had managed to save a seal, as well as a reaper. Even more important, they had managed to assist the angels in capturing Alastair. Castiel hoped that Alastair would be able to shed light on the murder of those under his charge.

Castiel relished being present in Dean's hour of triumph, though Dean was not as happy to see him. "No thanks to you," he had said sarcastically when Castiel had congratulated him on his victory. "If you want our help, why the hell didn't you just ask?"

Castiel answered honestly. "Because whatever I ask, you seem to do the exact opposite."

Their discussion was brief, and then Castiel returned to his duties, ignoring his twinge of irritation that he hadn't gotten to see Ember.

 **March 19**

Castiel had hoped that it would be easy to get answers out of Alastair regarding the murder of the soldiers under his charge, however he should have known better. After 24 hours of Uriel's best attempts, Castiel prayed for revelation.

"You aren't going to like what we've come up with," Domiel said after summoning Castiel to her office.

She was right.

"Please excuse my bluntness," Castiel said, anger flaring inside him suddenly. "Are you sure this is correct?"

Domiel nodded. "I double-checked, there is no mistake." She looked even more tired than she had when he had last seen her. "I was surprised as well," said Domiel. "But it is not our job to question our superiors, Castiel. Because it concerns the righteous man, these orders were given by our father and passed down to me by Michael himself."

The fight left Castiel, and he was left with a strong sense of sadness and guilt. "Consider it done," he said, with much less enthusiasm than usual.

He wondered, yet again, about Anna. Was this the sort of order that led to her Fall?

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

Twenty minutes later, Castiel stood in the Winchester's latest motel room with Uriel. He braced himself for Ember's entrance, and was careful to watch Uriel when she finally entered the room. Like himself, Uriel's nostrils flared, but there was no other outward sign that Uriel was also affected by the half-demon.

"Oh, come on," Dean said as he spotted the angels.

"You are needed," Uriel said bluntly.

"Needed? We just got back from needed," Dean snapped.

"Now, you mind your tone with me," Uriel said in his slow voice. It was not the approach that Castiel would have taken, but perhaps that was why Michael had requested that Castiel allow Uriel to take the lead. In addition to being a specialist in these matters, Uriel was not so close to the Winchesters. Uriel did not have doubts.

"No, you mind your damn tone with us," Dean was saying. "Stop pushing us around like chess pieces for five freaking minutes!"

"We raised you out of Hell for our purposes," Uriel responded.

"Yeah, and what were those again?" Dean asked. "What exactly do you want from me?"

"Start with gratitude," the angel said slyly.

This was going nowhere. "Dean, we know this is difficult to understand," Castiel began.

Uriel gave him a look of disgust. "And _we… don't… care,"_ he added. "Seven angels have been murdered," he continued. "All of them from our Garrison. The last one was killed tonight."

"Demons?" Dean asked, looking mildly curious. "How are they doing it?"

"We don't know," Uriel answered.

"I'm sorry, but what do you want us to do about it?" asked Sam. "I mean, a demon with the juice to ice angels has to be out of our league, right?"

"We can handle the demons, thank you very much," said Uriel, with a scathing look toward Ember.

"Don't you look at her like that," Dean snapped at him.

"But first, we have to find whoever is killing them," Castiel said, cutting Dean off before he and Uriel began to spat again.

"Don't you have Alastair?" Ember spoke up.

"He should be able to name your triggerman," Dean added.

"But he won't talk," Castiel said. "Alastair's will is very strong. We've arrived at an impasse."

"Yeah, well, he's like a black belt in torture. You guys are out of your league," Dean taunted.

"That's why we've come to his student," Uriel said.

Dean froze.

"You happen to be the most qualified interrogator we've got," Uriel said.

"Dean… you're our best hope," Castiel added. He looked at Ember, and realized that she was looking at Dean with a mixture of pity and horrified surprise. Had Dean not told the half-demon about what had occurred in Hell? It seemed he had not. "Dean," she whispered.

Castiel felt a wave of pity for Dean, and he felt bad for ruining this for the elder Winchester. Still, it was of little concern in the overall picture.

"No. No way," Dean said finally. "You can't ask me to do this, Cas, not this."

"Who said anything," Uriel said, "about asking?" Then Uriel transported Dean to Alastair's location. With a final look at Ember, Castiel followed.

When they landed, Castiel set immediately to business explaining what was to happen. Dean was less than thrilled, and it wasn't long before he asked to speak with Castiel alone. Castiel had secretly hoped for this opportunity, but hadn't dared initiate it, not with Uriel watching his every move. Now, hopefully he could instill some sense of calm and comfort into the righteous man.

"What's going on, Cas?" Dean asked. "Since when does Uriel put a leash on you?"

"My superiors have begun to question my sympathies," Castiel said honestly.

"Your sympathies?"

"I was getting too close to the humans in my charge," he explained. "You. They feel I've begun to express emotions. The doorways to doubt. This can impair my judgment."

Dean looked less than pleased. "Well, tell Uriel, or whoever...you do not want me doing this, trust me."

Castiel's heart went out to the human. It was not an easy position; it never had been. "Want it, no. But I have been told we need it."

"You ask me to open that door and walk through it, you will not like what walks back out," Dean said.

Castiel looked at him squarely. He had been wrong. There would be no comfort here. The best he could hope to do was convince the righteous man that he must do this. Uriel's next suggestion had been to use Ember as collateral, or possibly Sam if that didn't work. Castiel didn't want it to come to that. "For what it's worth, I would give anything not to have you do this."

Dean closed his eyes, but nodded once.

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

Castiel had seen torture before, of course. He had tortured before himself, but he had never liked it. Even before he had the doubts and fears that he had now, he had always dreaded any tasks associated with torture. He had never tortured for this long, though, and never a human host. He could hear Alastair's groans, and he felt pity – not for Alastair, but for Dean.

The light began to flicker, catching Castiel's attention. A light bulb exploded, and Castiel felt before he saw that Anna had appeared. He was glad to see her, even moreso than he thought he would be. She was healthy, then. She was safe.

"Hello, Castiel," she said.

He turned to look at her. "Your human body—…"

"It was destroyed, I know. But I guess I'm sentimental. Called in some old favors and..."

Old favors from who? There were others, then, that were working with Anna. There were no other Fallen angels at large, so anyone working with Anna must still be associated with Heaven. Unless, perhaps, she was working with a demon, but Castiel thought the first possibility to be more likely. "You shouldn't be here," he said. "We still have orders to kill you."

"Somehow I don't think you'll try," said Anna. "Where's Uriel?"

"He went to receive revelation," Castiel answered.

"Right." She paused. "Why are you letting Dean do this?"

Castiel's doubts returned in full force, and he turned away from her. "He's doing God's work," he answered.

"Torturing?" Anna asked, snarling. "That's God's work? Stop him, Cas, please. Before you ruin the one real weapon you have."

"Who are we to question the will of God?" Castiel asked forcefully, though he still could not bear to look at his old boss.

"Unless this isn't his will," Anna said.

"Then where do the orders come from?"

"I don't know. One of our superiors, maybe, but not him. The Father you love. You think he wants this? You think he'd ask this of you? You think this is righteous?"

Castiel attempted to school his face into impassivity and forced himself to face his old boss, but inside his doubts roared in triumph. He had thought of her as lost, as a poor excuse for an angel since she had Fallen… but now everything she was saying made sense, for the first time in years.

"What you're feeling? It's called doubt," she said, and he couldn't help but look away again. She touched his hand, and he found that he liked her touch. It was comforting. When was the last time he had been touched in a comforting manner? He couldn't remember.

"These orders are wrong and you know it," Anna continued. "But you can do the right thing. You're afraid, Cas. I was too. But together, we can still—…"

"Together?" Castiel yanked his hand away, horrified. She was manipulating him. He would never be a Fallen like her. He was a good angel, an Angel of the Lord, and she was just lonely and pathetic. "I am nothing like you," he snarled. "You fell. Go."

"Cas," she pleaded.

"Go," he said, more forcefully this time, and she vanished.

 **March 20**

What had gone wrong? Castiel had gone over it a thousand times in his mind, his doubts for once pushed to the side. He had done everything perfectly. He had made a thousand devil's traps before. It wasn't possible that he could have made this one wrong. There was no reason that Alastair should have escaped, no reason that Dean should have almost died. And yet here he was, in a hospital bed, in a coma, and Castiel couldn't even heal him. Castiel had failed. If Sam hadn't gotten there in time…

Sam and Ember confronted Castiel in the hallway of the hospital. He knew they were angry with him. He thought about flying away, but he supposed he owed Sam, at least, an explanation.

"Get in there and heal him," Sam demanded. "Miracle. Now!"

"I can't," Castiel said resolutely.

"You and Uriel put him in there because you can't keep a simple devil's trap together!"

"No. I don't know what happened. That trap… it shouldn't have broken. I am sorry." He knew his words were useless.

"This whole thing was pointless," Sam said, towering over him. "Do you understand that? The demons aren't doing the hits. Something else is killing your soldiers."

"Perhaps Alastair was lying," Castiel said. As he said it, however, he knew it wasn't the truth.

"No," said Sam. "He wasn't." And Sam walked away.

Ember was next to chastise him. She was staring at him with pure loathing, and he felt an uncomfortable amount of guilt. "I've always wanted so badly to go to Heaven," she said venomously. "I've worked my whole life to overcome my demon side, to be _good_ , to be _righteous_. But maybe I had the wrong idea about Heaven… because you disgust me."

There was another man walking down the hall nearby, and so Ember moved closer to Castiel so that she could whisper. Castiel could feel goosebumps travel down his spine, which surprised him for a second… seriously, what was _wrong_ with this vessel?!. And he was drowning in her, and it was overwhelming…

"Castiel," she said, and he looked at her, startled. "I may be a half-demon, but I'm pretty sure I'm more _righteous_ than you today."

And then she walked away, and Castiel stood frozen in the hospital hallway, filled with fear and doubt. A half-demon had accused him of… of blasphemy! Of not being _righteous!_ The worst part was that somehow, he didn't blame her.


	4. S4 Part 4, Considering Disobedience

**Author's Note: I don't own Supernatural.**

 **I do own Ember though. Pleeeeeeaaaassseeee leave reviews! Review and Castiel comes to your door!**

 **March 21**

Perhaps Uriel would have more answers about what had happened with the devil's trap. Uriel was sitting on a park bench with his eyes closed when Castiel found him. "Castiel, I received revelation from our superiors," he said, sensing Castiel's presence. "Our brothers and sisters are dying and they...they want us to stop hunting the demon responsible."

This was yet another bit of confusing information passed down from above… another in a long train of confusing orders. Castiel sat down next to Uriel on the bench.

"Something is wrong up there," Uriel said. "I mean, can you feel it?"

Was Uriel expressing doubt? "The murders," Castiel said. "Maybe they aren't demonic. Sam Winchester said the demons had nothing to do with it."

"If not the demons, what could it be?" Uriel asked.

"The will of Heaven," Castiel answered. "We are failing, Uriel. We are losing the war. Perhaps the Garrison is being punished."

"You think our Father would—…"

"I think maybe our Father isn't giving the orders anymore," Castiel said, finally expressing, for the first time, the doubt that he had been feeling for the past 20 years. "Maybe there is something wrong."

Uriel stood up, and for a second Castiel thought that perhaps Uriel would turn him into the authorities for his doubts. Or perhaps even kill him?

But Uriel had a fire in his eyes, and Castiel got the feeling they were on the same page for once. "Well, I won't wait to be gutted," Uriel proclaimed, and vanished.

 **March 22**

Castiel had checked on Dean, then spent several hours considering what to do. Uriel must have kept silent about Castiel's doubts, or else Castiel would have been tracked down and punished by now. What was Uriel going to do? Something drastic, Castiel could tell.

And Anna… Anna had said that someone else in Heaven was helping her. How many other angels were like him, and had doubts but were too scared to act upon them?

Finally, in a desperate move, Castiel sought out the only person he knew would be completely honest with him.

"Decided to kill me after all?" Anna said, appearing behind him.

"I'm alone," he said.

"What do you want from me, Castiel?"

"I'm considering disobedience," Castiel confessed.

Anna nodded. "Good."

"No, it isn't," said Castiel. "For the first time, I feel..." He trailed off, looking away from her in his anguish.

"It gets worse," Anna said. "Choosing your own course of action is confusing, terrifying." Anna put her hand on Castiel's shoulder. He stared at it in surprise, and she dropped it, clearly remembering the last time she had touched him.

"That's right," she said. "You're too good for my help. I'm just trash. A walking blasphemy." Anna turned to walk away.

"Anna," Castiel said, pleading. "I don't know what to do. Please tell me what to do."

Anna turned back. "Like the old days?" she asked. "No. I'm sorry. It's time to think for yourself." And his last hope disappeared.

 **March 23**

Anna had told him to think for himself.

So, Castiel examined the devil's trap. He noticed the faucet dripping, and realized that was what had broken the devil's trap. The trap had been tampered with. But who-

Uriel. He wasn't _going_ to do something drastic… he had already _done_ it.

"You called?" Uriel asked after Castiel had summoned him. "What do you say, Castiel? Will you join me? Will you fight with me?"

An army. Uriel was putting together an army. For _what?_

"Strange," Castiel commented. "Strange how a leaky pipe can undo the work of angels when we ourselves are supposed to be the agents of fate."

"Alastair was much more powerful than we had imagined," Uriel said.

"No," said Castiel. "No demon can overpower that trap. I made it myself." He knew Uriel was lying. "We've been friends for a long time, Uriel. Fought by each other's sides, served together away from home, for what seems like forever. We're brothers, Uriel. Pay me that respect. Tell me the truth."

Uriel smiled, and it was a truly evil smile. "The truth is, the only thing that can kill an angel...is another angel." Uriel brought out his angel sword.

"You," Castiel said. He hadn't wanted to believe it.

"I'm afraid so," Uriel confirmed.

"And you broke the devil's trap, set Alastair on Dean."

"Alastair should never have been taken alive. Really inconvenient, Cas. Yes, I did turn the screw a little. Alastair should have killed Dean and escaped, and you should have gone on happily scapegoating the demons."

"For the murders of our kin?" Castiel said. He couldn't believe it. Uriel had Fallen as well, much farther than Anna. Tearing out one's grace and casting oneself out of Heaven was one thing. But killing other angels? This was a different thing entirely. And yet Uriel was walking around in Heaven, a fully active and functional angel, not hunted like Anna.

How many others were there like Uriel, working in secret? How could God have allowed this?

"Not murders, Castiel. No. My work is conversion," Uriel said. "How long have we waited here? How long have we played this game by rules that make no sense?"

"It is our Father's world, Uriel," Castiel reminded him.

"Our Father? He stopped being that, if he ever was, the moment he created them. Humanity, his favorites. This whining, puking larva."

No. Castiel would not believe this. Humanity wasn't the smartest, and they were flawed, but they were not so bad. "Are you trying to convert me?"

"I wanted you to join me," Uriel answered. "And I still do. With you, we can be powerful enough to—…"

"To?"

"To raise our brother."

"Lucifer," Castiel confirmed, horrified. It was worse, even, than he'd thought. Uriel was working _for_ the Apocalypse. How many others? How many others had Fallen, but still remained around him? How many others had disobeyed their Father's orders?

"You do remember him?" Uriel asked. "How strong he was? How beautiful? And he didn't bow to humanity. He was punished for defending us. Now, if you want to believe in something, Cas, believe in him."

"Lucifer is not God," Castiel insisted.

"God isn't God anymore," Uriel snapped. "He doesn't care what we do. I am proof of that."

"But this?" Castiel said, still trying to wrap his head around it. "What were you gonna do, Uriel? Were you gonna kill the whole Garrison?"

"I only killed the ones who said no," Uriel said, "Others have joined me, Cas. Now, please, brother, don't fight me. Help me. Help me spread the word. Help me bring on the Apocalypse. All you have to do is be unafraid."

"For the first time in a long time, I am," said Castiel. Uriel would kill him, perhaps. And that was fine, because he was not going to help with the Apocalypse – he would _never_ bring back Lucifer. Never. If this was what the world was coming to, then he would not be a part of it. He was not afraid to die.

Uriel smiled. He wasn't prepared when Castiel punched him through the wall several feet away. He recovered quickly, however, and hit Castiel with a metal bar.

Castiel had never expected to beat his brother: Castiel was a better strategist and a better leader, but they were equal in fighting skills and power, Castiel knew. Castiel's power had been depleted by the fight with Alastair, however, which ultimately gave Uriel the advantage. Still, he would never join him, either. "You can't win, Uriel. I still serve God."

"You haven't even met the man." Uriel punched him. "There is no will." _Punch._ "No wrath!" _Punch._ "No God."

But Uriel didn't see Anna, who had crept up behind him. "Maybe not," she said, stabbing Uriel in the neck with an angel blade. "But there's still me."

And then Uriel was dead.

 **March 30**

Between the fight with Alastair and the fight with Uriel, Castiel's healing abilities had been depleted, and had not yet returned. It was the worst possible timing, as Dean was in a coma from the same fight with Alastair, and had not yet awakened.

On the positive side, Castiel had been cleared of the suspicion of being too close to the Winchesters. He was allowed to immediately resume his post as guardian, which he did with more enthusiasm than he allowed himself to outwardly express. Nine days after the incident with Alastair, Castiel was tipped off by a fellow angel that the demons knew of Dean's location, and flew to his side immediately.

Dean was still in the hospital, and Ember was just drifting off to sleep, invisible, in the bed next to him when Castiel arrived.

"You've got a lot of nerve showing up," she told him, awakening immediately when she saw him. Even if he hadn't been able to see her (which he could), Castiel still would have been able to identify her by the pleasant feeling he felt whenever she was around. It calmed him, but it also excited him in ways he didn't understand.

"We've heard a rumor that the demons know where Dean is," said Castiel. "I came to watch over him while he is vulnerable, but it seems you already have that covered."

"Yeah, thanks but no thanks," snapped Ember. "We warded the whole place against demons from day 1, but I'm still here just in case."

They were silent for a long time, nearly two hours. It was painfully uncomfortable for Castiel. He tried to remind himself that he didn't really care what Ember thought of him – she was still a half-demon, after all, if a somewhat virtuous one.

Finally, just when Castiel was considering leaving, he began to sense that Dean was awakening. _Finally._ "Are you alright?" he asked.

"No thanks to you," Dean said hoarsely.

"You need to be more careful," said Castiel.

"You need to learn to manage a damn devil's trap," Dean replied.

"That's not what I mean," said Castiel. Then he added, "Uriel is dead."

"Was it the demons?" asked Dean.

"It was disobedience," Castiel said. "He was working against us."

"Is it true?" Dean asked suddenly. "Did I break the first seal?"

Castiel looked at Ember briefly. Should he say these things in front of her? Dean would tell her anyway, Castiel supposed, what with them being… involved.

"Yes," said Castiel. "When we discovered Lilith's plan for you, we laid siege to Hell. And we fought our way to get to you before you…"

"Jump-started the Apocalypse," Dean finished.

"But we were too late," Castiel said. And _why_ had they been too late? Whose job had it been to keep an eye on the prospective "righteous man?" It wasn't as though there had been that many candidates.

"Why didn't you just leave me there then?" Dean asked miserably.

"It's not… blame that falls on you, Dean," Castiel explained. "It's fate. And the righteous man who begins it… is the only one who can finish it. _You_ have to stop it."

"Lucifer?" asked Dean with horror. "The Apocalypse? What does that mean?"

Castiel squirmed uncomfortably. "Hey!" Dean yelled at him. "Don't you go disappearing on me, you son of a bitch! _What does that mean_?"

"I don't know," said Castiel.

"Bull!" Dean yelled.

"I don't," whispered Castiel. "Dean, they don't tell me much. I know… how our fate rests with you."

"Well then you guys are screwed," Dean said, not looking at Castiel. "I can't do it, Cas. It's too big. Alastair was right. I'm not all here. I'm not – I'm not strong enough. I guess I'm not the man either of our dads wanted me to be. Find someone else. It's not me."

Castiel looked at him sadly, but said nothing. How had the angels failed so horribly?

 **April 4**

When Castiel next went to see Domiel, he was surprised to find a different angel in Domiel's usual seat. This angel was called Zachariah. Castiel had only met him twice, but knew of him by name and reputation. He was too ambitious for an angel, some had said.

"Where is Domiel?"

"You would do better to address your superiors with more respect," Zachariah said with a sly grin.

"My apologies," Castiel said. "I was simply alarmed at her absence."

"As well you should be," Zachariah said. "Domiel was killed this morning in battle."

Castiel felt as though the bottom had fallen out from under him. He had never felt grief like this, except for when Anna had fallen, and not even then. _Thousands_ of years they had served together… _thousands."_

"Don't dismay," Zachariah said, waving his hand as though he couldn't care less. "She died a good death, fighting for the seals."

No. That was wrong. "Domiel hasn't been in battle since she was made a Corporal," Castiel protested. "Can you tell me under what circumstances she was killed?"

Zachariah shot him a look of pure annoyance, then covered it up quickly. "She was killed in battle. I have not been privy to more information." Zachariah was a bureaucrat, and a bad liar, Castiel decided.

"You have new orders," Zachariah continued. "For the time being, you will cease your duties of guarding the Winchesters and focus completely on protecting the seals."

Castiel felt a stab of anger. "Who will be guarding the Winchesters?"

"They will be guarded, don't worry," he said evasively. "You will still be called upon if an angel needs to speak with them directly. As much as you have overstepped your boundaries with your previous charges, it has been proven useful in that they will respond more positively to you as a liaison. At least… so my superiors tell me." It was obvious that Zachariah himself either didn't agree or didn't care.

"Domiel said that I was cleared of suspicions," Castiel protested, against his better judgment.

"Not mine," Zachariah said. "Castiel, you are dismissed."

Castiel stood there, seething with anger. He didn't know what to say. He didn't know what to _think._

Finally, Zachariah looked up at him once again. "Do you have any further questions?"

"No," Castiel said, and he was unable to resist shooting Zachariah a dirty look before leaving.


	5. S4 Part 5, The Truth at Last

**Author's Note: Review, please! I don't own Supernatural.**

 **April 11**

 **ONE WEEK LATER**

Castiel trusted no one. How could he? Uriel had betrayed them. Domiel was dead, mysteriously. His new supervisor was, as Dean would say, a "dick with wings." Anna was angry with him.

He directed his anger into protecting the seals. He smited demons left and right. It occurred to him ironically that he might have fallen victim to pride if he were not already so immersed in wrath.

Finally, a little over a week later, he was called upon to play liaison to the Winchesters. They had discovered the prophet, apparently. Of course – if anyone would have discovered the prophet, it _would_ be the Winchesters.

He grew worried, however, when he learned of the latest prophecy: Lilith would confront Sam… tonight.

He wouldn't have even known about the new prophecy if he hadn't been summoned by Kyniel, who had taken over guarding the Winchesters. He got there just in time.

"I don't know how I know, I just do!" the prophet was screaming.

"That's not good enough!" Dean shouted, and he shoved the prophet against the wall. Castiel only vaguely noted the pleasant feeling that meant that Ember was near, so focused was he on the task at hand.

He appeared out of nowhere. "Dean, let him go! This man is to be protected."

"Why?" Dean said, leveling him with a glare, but fortunately putting down the prophet.

"He's a Prophet of the Lord."

"This is the guy who decides our fate?" Dean asked angrily.

"He isn't deciding anything. He's a mouthpiece – a conduit for the inspired word."

"The word? The word of God? What, like the new new testament?"

"One day, these books – they'll be known as the Winchester gospel," explained Castiel.

Dean was less than thrilled to find out about the prophet, as Castiel had expected. Even after he stopped blaming the prophet, however, there was still the prophecy to worry about.

"How do we get around this?" Dean asked.

"Around what?"

"The Sam-Lilith love connection. How do we stop it from happening?"

"What the prophet has written can't be unwritten," Castiel said. "As he has seen it, so it shall come to pass."

Castiel returned to guarding the seals with the rest of the Garrison at that point, but his thoughts were still with the Winchester brothers and with Ember. If Sam faced Lilith tonight, he would almost surely be killed. Would he be strong enough, with the demon blood, to take down Lilith? Castiel doubted that Dean would allow Sam to face Lilith alone, which meant that Dean would be there, too, at some point. Surely the angels would protect Dean, as they needed him to end the Apocalypse. But would Sam have the same protection? How would Dean fair without his brother – the same brother he had gone to Hell for in the first place?

More importantly, if it was known where Lilith would be tonight, why were the angels not congregating there? Why was he not allowed to aid in this most important battle? Instead, his Garrison had been instructed to guard a number of obscure seals, seals on which no demon had yet made an attempt.

This was ridiculous.

" _I have received revelation to check on an unrelated matter_ ," Castiel said to Rachel. " _I will be back shortly."_

Once he was out of earshot, Castiel summoned Anna.

"Castiel," she said softly, appearing behind him.

"Anna, I don't understand what is going on," he told her. He held out his hand to her to communicate the memories, and she allowed it.

She swallowed, taking Castiel's hand fully, which he allowed.

"Anna, what should I do?"

Anna shook her head again. "I've told you, those days are over. You must choose for yourself."

"Surely you must know… something? You have connections."

Anna smiled. "I don't know much," she said. "But I did hear rumors about what happened to Domiel."

Castiel looked at her sharply.

"I'm sorry, Castiel. I haven't heard much… just that she was killed by other angels."

"That's impossible," Castiel said.

"Is it?" Anna looked at him sharply. Then she said, "Don't for a second doubt that it isn't every bit as bad as you imagine."

She sighed, looking at his stunned face. "Castiel, I can't force-feed you free will. You have to take it for yourself." Then she disappeared.

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

When he heard Dean's prayer, Castiel didn't even bother to tell Rachel he was leaving – he simply appeared at Dean's side.

"Well, I feel stupid doing this," Dean said, "But… I am fresh out of options. So please. I need some help. I'm praying, okay? Come on. Please."

"Prayer is a sign of faith. This is a good thing, Dean," said Castiel. Although Dean hadn't used Castiel's name specifically, he might as well have done – Castiel's name had been clear in the mind of the righteous man, and it was clear that Castiel was the only angel that he wanted to see. Castiel felt a small swoop of pride at this.

"So does that mean you'll help me?" Dean asked.

"I'm not sure what I can do," Castiel replied. But he _would_ do what he could – he knew that now, especially after Domiel. He was pleased to see that Kyniel was not around. She must be either reporting in, or else seeing to another task.

"Drag Sam out of here, now. Before Lilith shows up."

"It's a prophecy," Castiel said regretfully. "I can't interfere."

"You have tested me and thrown me every which way. And I have never asked for anything. Not a damn thing. But now I'm asking. I need your help. Please."

"What you're asking, it's... not within my power to do," Castiel said.

"Why? 'Cause it's 'divine prophecy'?"

"Yes."

"So, what – We're just supposed to sit around and wait for it to happen?"

"I'm sorry," said Castiel.

"Screw you. You and your mission. Your God. If you don't help me now, then when the time comes and you need me... don't bother knocking."

Castiel was angry at the slight on God, but at the same time, it gave him an idea. Anna was right: God would never want this. But there was another way…

"Dean. Dean."

"What?!"

"You must understand why I can't intercede," Castiel said slowly. "Prophets are very special. They're protected."

"I get that."

"If anything threatens a prophet, anything at all, an archangel will appear to destroy that threat. Archangels are fierce. They're absolute. They're Heaven's most terrifying weapon."

"And these archangels, they're tied to prophets?" Dean asked.

"Yes."

"So if a prophet was in the same room as a demon –…" Dean asked.

"Then the most fearsome wrath of Heaven would rain down on that demon," said Castiel. _Nobody ever said the righteous man wasn't smart._ "Just so you understand... why I can't help." _For Domiel._

"Thanks, Cas."

"Good luck," said Castiel.

He had always thought that doing something like this would feel sinful… but he was wrong.

Instead, he felt free.

 **April 27**

 **TWO WEEKS LATER**

"You have new orders," said Zachariah.

Castiel nodded, forcing the sour look off his face. He was sure that he was not going to like any orders that Zachariah gave him.

"You are to lead Sam to kill Lilith," Zachariah continued, moving around paperwork on his desk.

Pure shock flowed through Castiel, and he sat rooted to his chair, silent.

Zachariah looked up, noticing Castiel's discomfort. "These orders displease you?"

"I – I don't understand," said Castiel. Had Zachariah gone rogue? Was he like Uriel, perhaps?

" _Lead. Sam. To kill. Lilith,"_ Zachariah said very slowly, as if Castiel were dumb. "What's so difficult about that?"

"I was told that Dean would be the one to end the Apocalypse," Castiel said.

Zachariah laughed, and it was a loud, jovial laugh that made shivers go up and down Castiel's spine. Zachariah leaned back in his chair. "Castiel, they told me you were smart," he said. "Surely you didn't believe that? Dean's just a mere human. His part comes later."

 _What?_ "But Sam is drinking demon blood," protested Castiel, grasping to understand.

"Yes," Zachariah said. "And soon he will be accomplished enough in the effects of the demon blood to kill Lilith, breaking the final seal and releasing our brother Lucifer."

Castiel felt as though he had missed a step. Zachariah smiled, seeing the look on his face, and stood.

"And when 66 seals have turned to ash, the morning star shall be released from his bonds," Zachariah recited. It was the prophecy of the Apocalypse. "And the world will burn, for it is the end of all things, the Apocalypse. And it shall bring paradise on Earth."

" _Paradise on Earth_ , Castiel," Zachariah repeated, clapping Castiel on the back. _"Paradise on Earth._ "

Suddenly Castiel had a horrible feeling. Surely Zachariah didn't mean what Castiel thought he meant. It wasn't possible…

"The prophecy speaks of the _end of all things,_ " Castiel reminded him. " _The world will burn_?"

Zachariah shook his head. "All things have their time. Castiel, do you remember how it was, in the beginning, with Lucifer, and our Father?" He seemed to be reliving a memory that Castiel couldn't see. "Before Lucifer Fell, before… _humans?_ It was wonderful, was it not?"

"We were taught that the Apocalypse should be avoided," Castiel said. "I thought – it will happen in the end, of course, because it has been foretold, but we are to protect God's creatures until we can no longer-…"

Zachariah rolled his eyes. "You sound like a foot soldier, Castiel. That's what they all think." He laughed. "No reason to alarm the masses, I suppose. But you're not a foot soldier, are you? You're Captain of the Garrison, and it's time you knew."

He sighed, sitting back in his seat again. "I'm tired, Castiel. Aren't you tired? I want my paradise. I'm too old, Castiel, we're all too old. When is it our turn again?"

Castiel had never questioned orders in his long existence, but found that somehow it was easy to question these.

"Are you working with Uriel?" Castiel asked boldly. "Raphael and Michael would never-…"

"Don't be common," Zachariah said, shooting Castiel another annoyed look. "Raphael and Michael are in charge of everything. My orders come directly from Raphael."

Castiel froze in shock, but Zachariah continued. "And you have no right to compare me with Uriel." Zachariah spat in disgust. "Uriel had the right idea about things, but he was a zealot. I don't take the killing of our brothers and sisters lightly." But the frown in Zachariah's face did not match his eyes, and Castiel had a feeling that he wouldn't have cared how many other angels died, as long as the Apocalypse came to pass.

"What of our brothers and sisters who have died protecting the seals?" Castiel asked.

"That was most regrettable," said Zachariah. "But they died fighting demons. It was a valiant death."

It was easy for Zachariah to say, Castiel thought. He wasn't Captain of a Garrison that had been decimated, both by demons and by Uriel. A horrible feeling was welling up inside Castiel, a howling anger, but he couldn't let it show. Zachariah was a Corporal, and Castiel knew that he was more powerful, if not a better fighter. He had already pushed too far; he knew that Zachariah saw him as insubordinate and annoying. He knew better than to give Zachariah any more hint of the anger and betrayal that was boiling inside him than that which he knew was already leaking out the cracks in his façade.

"And what of the humans?" he asked finally, attempting to sound like he was only making conversation.

"What of them?" Zachariah asked, returning to his paperwork as though this didn't concern him.

"A fight between our brothers would cause mass destruction," Castiel reminded him.

Zachariah chuckled again. "None that they don't cause themselves. They were our Father's favorites… and for what? They have atom bombs, and nuclear warheads… the Apocalypse can't arrive too soon, as far as I'm concerned. As it is, it's only a matter of time before they blow themselves up, regardless of our actions."

"What about our Father?" asked Castiel, forcing down his boiling anger. "Where is he in all this?"

Zachariah laughed again, and fixed Castiel with a crooked smile. "God? God left, Castiel. A long time ago. I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad tidings, but we're on our own."

Castiel stood frozen in shock, unable to conceal the anger he was feeling.

Zachariah fixed Castiel with a fatherly smile. "Don't worry," he said, mistaking the cause of Castiel's anger. "When the dust from the Apocalypse clears, we'll have _paradise on Earth._ Our Father was our creator, but Raphael and Michael will lead us to do what is best. They will lead us to victory against the demons."

Castiel thought briefly of Domiel. Domiel, whose kindness used to dominate this office, which was now filled with Zachariah's poison. She must have found out about this, then. Had that been why she was killed? Had she refused to order Castiel's Garrison, and others, to die for a false cause?

Castiel schooled his features into something akin to relief, though he still felt boiling anger.

"So you'll do it, then?" Zachariah said.

Castiel did not hesitate. "It is not for me to question the will of Heaven," he said. "I will do as you command."

 _I'll die first._

 **April 30**

It was 3 days until Kyniel next left Dean alone.

Dean was fishing when Castiel came to him in a dream. He looked peaceful. Castiel wondered if he had ever felt so at peace as Dean looked. It was not the sort of thing he would've even considered a month ago.

"Meet me here," Castiel said, handing Dean an address to a nearby warehouse. "Go now."

Castiel had barely arrived at the warehouse when he was surrounded, however. Kyniel was there, and three others: Rachel, Hannah, and Swaniel.

All were foot soldiers, except for Rachel, his Lieutenant. None were anywhere near as strong as he was.

"You have betrayed us, Castiel," Kyniel said.

"You have betrayed our Father," Castiel replied. "Did you know about the last seal?"

"What of it?" asked Kyniel.

"Did you know its true nature? That killing Lilith _is_ the last seal?"

The other angels looked at each other. "That's not true," said Hannah. "Once Lilith is dead, there will be no Apocalypse. It is why we have worked so hard. What you speak is blaspeheme!"

"Look inside my head, sister," Castiel offered to her.

He assessed each of them. Of the angels present, he knew Rachel the best. He could tell by the horrified look on her face that she believed him, but was waiting to see what the other three were going to do.

Kyniel and Swaniel were, as Bobby would have said, "idgits." He was more powerful and a better fighter than both. The two angels' faces were stretched in a hard line, and Castiel knew that they both already knew of the true nature of the last seal.

Hannah was the only wildcard, but Castiel could feel the edges of her mind pressing against his and realized that she was giving him the benefit of the doubt.

Just before Castiel made contact with Hannah's mind, Swaniel stepped in. "Enough, Castiel! Your blaspheme is intolerable. We have come to escort you back to Heaven."

"I don't want to fight you," Castiel said, looking sidelong at Hannah and Rachel. "But I won't return to Heaven with you, either." And he pulled out his angel blade.

Rachel's angel blade was withdrawn as well, and she moved in front of Castiel.

"This is not your fight," he told her silently as she began to square off with Swaniel.

"My fight is for our Father," she said to him. "If you say they have betrayed our Father, I believe you."

Kyniel took out her angel blade as well, and Hannah took out hers, looking unsure.

"I do not want to kill you, sister," Castiel said, looking at Kyniel.

But Rachel was already fighting with Swaniel, and Castiel could tell that the two were evenly matched. Hannah was watching Rachel, and then she looked at Kyniel. "Is it true? You must know, Kyniel. What is the nature of the final seal?"

"The Apocalypse will bring paradise on Earth," Kyniel said with a sneering grin. "Surely this is what you desire?"

But Castiel was no longer paying attention. He rushed toward Rachel, who had been backed into a corner by Swaniel. He used all of his force to push Swaniel into the side of the wall. The force of Swaniel sent a rickety 2-floor staircase toppling downward, catching on a rusty pipe near the ceiling and taking it down as well. "Stop this madness!" he demanded, but it did no good.

Hannah had thrown herself toward Kyniel, discarding her angel blade entirely, and the force of their bodies hit a large boiler, which exploded. Somewhere a wire had broken in two, and it was raining down lightning into a pool of what looked like oil.

Panic-stricken, Castiel began to do the only thing he could think of: a banishment spell. His comrades could not fight, not like this. Swaniel and Kyniel were more powerful than Rachel and Hannah, and he couldn't defend them both…

Suddenly a bright white light illuminated the warehouse. "ENOUGH!" shouted a low voice. Castiel registered with shock that the voice came from Raphael. Then, Castiel knew no more.

 **Not sure when.**

There was only pain.

Castiel had been stripped from his vessel, he knew that. At least Jimmy would not have to experience this. For that, Castiel was thankful. Nothing else was clear, though. He couldn't see, or hear, or smell, or touch… he knew only pain.

" _Did you not think we would have you followed_?"

The words were sharp in his head, each one punctuated with pain, sharp and unyielding.

" _We knew you told the Winchesters how to circumvent the prophecy of Lilith_."

Pain. Aching, everywhere.

" _You have blasphemed in the worst way, Castiel. We shouldn't let you live. Like with Domiel… if she wanted to die for the cause, that's her business. A life thrown away, perhaps…"_

A new kind of pain, and Castiel hadn't thought that was possible. This one hurt the worst.

 _"You will be loyal next time. Or Dean and Sam, even the half-demon and your friends Rachel and Hannah, and the rest of your Garrison – everyone you ever cared about will be tortured for eternity…"_

And still there was pain, and misery, and Castiel wished for death.

 **May 2**

When Castiel regained his senses, his first sight was a very self-righteous looking Zachariah.

"Do you feel you've learned your lesson?"

"Yes," Castiel said immediately, blinking through the haze that was his thoughts and senses. It was an odd sensation. He knew that multiple people had had access to his mind during his torture. He felt that not all of the pieces fit anymore, as though his mind was no longer his own. Something was not there that should have been, and other things were there that should not have been.

"Who are you loyal to?"

Castiel's head snapped up again, and his brief doubts vanished. "I am loyal to the will of Heaven," he said.

"Good," said Zachariah. "I don't care what you do. Stay out of trouble." He laughed. "Can you manage that?"

Castiel could manage that.

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

"What were you going to tell me?" asked Dean Winchester five minutes later.

"I learned my lesson while I was away, Dean," Castiel said dispassionately. "I serve Heaven. I don't serve man. And I especially don't serve you."

And then he walked away.p


	6. S4 Part 6, The Fallen Angel

**Author's Note: OK, so plot flaw. How come when Castiel banishes angels, or when the Winchesters banish angels, Castiel gets banished as well... but in this episode, Castiel banishes Zachariah and still stays? It makes no sense. So, I took the liberty to change it. I don't own Supernatural. If I did I never would've let that one fly by. It's literally one of the very, very few things that annoys me about this AMAZING show.**

 **Chapter 6: S4 Part 6, The Fallen Angel**

 **May 7**

Castiel was careful over the next few days to immediately cease any thought that would be considered blaspheme. He redirected thoughts about the Apocalypse, and his love for the humans, and for the Winchesters. He redirected thoughts about his feelings toward the half-demon. He even managed to redirect his anger about Domiel, and about the threats of his torturers toward those he cared about.

After all, he was an angel. He cared only for the will of Heaven, and that was simply how it was supposed to be.

The Apocalypse itself seemed somewhat less dangerous to think about. Castiel had always had a mind for strategy, and a tiny niggling thought took hold and refused to let go: why _had_ they let him live? _He_ wouldn't have let him live, in their positions.

Castiel could only think of one reason that they had let him live, and that was to continue to be the liaison between the Winchesters and the angels. It _had_ to be the only reason they had let him live, because it was literally the only thing he was still allowed to do. His torturers had stripped him of everything else – his healing powers, his smiting powers, his Captainship, everything.

Castiel also knew that it was why he had been let go from torture: because the Winchesters had been praying for him, due to a situation with his vessel. He knew this because after Zachariah dismissed him, he was called immediately to their side to manage the issue.

Someone upstairs needed the Winchesters. Not only did they need them to stop the Apocalypse… it was more than that. The angels could force them to stop the Apocalypse, if they really wanted. They needed the Winchesters for something else, something the Winchesters would have to _agree_ to. And for this, they needed the single angel in the universe that the brothers wouldn't try to kill on sight.

This wasn't a blasphemic thought, so he didn't try not to think about it. It was simply a fact; an irrefutable fact, because otherwise Castiel would never have been left alive.

Castiel was summoned to see the Winchesters again a few days later.

"Well, it's about time," Dean snapped when he appeared in the salvage yard. "I've been screaming myself hoarse out here for about two and a half hours now."

Castiel had heard, but he had not been permitted to go to Dean until long after his first prayer. It was Zachariah's way of increasing Dean's reliance on the angels, Castiel knew. "What do you want?"

"You can start with what the hell happened in Illinois."

An uncomfortable feeling settled upon Castiel. "What do you mean?"

"Cut the crap. You were gonna tell me something," Dean said.

"Well, nothing of import," Castiel said, hoping Dean didn't question him further. He could feel Kyniel's eyes on him, as though he would have thought to disobey now.

"You got ass-reamed in Heaven but it was not of import?"

Perhaps the truth was best, and a subject change. He knew his instructions were still to sympathize with the righteous man as much as possible. Dean would identify with someone who had been tortured for disobedience, or to keep information quiet. It was convenient, and it was the truth. "Dean, I can't. I'm sorry. Get to the reason you really called me. It's about Sam, right?"

"Can he do it? Kill Lilith, stop the apocalypse?"

"Possibly, yes. But as you know, he'd have to take certain steps," Castiel said.

"Crank up the Hell-blood regimen."

"Consuming the amount of blood it would take to kill Lilith would change your brother forever. Most likely, he would become the next creature that you would feel compelled to kill." This part was the truth, at least.

"There's no reason this would have to come to pass, Dean. We believe it's you, Dean, not your brother." Castiel tasted bile, but forced out the lie. It was partially truthful, he reasoned. Dean _was_ supposed to help end the Apocalypse, though these details were still hazy. But it would only occur after Sam released Lucifer.

"The only question for us is whether you're willing to accept it," Castiel concluded. "Stand up and accept your role. You are the one who will stop it."

"If I do this, Sammy doesn't have to?"

"If it gives you comfort to see it that way," Castiel said, carefully avoiding another lie.

"God, you're a dick these days." Castiel privately agreed with him.

"Fine, I'm in."

"You give yourself over wholly to the service of God and his angels?"

"Yeah, exactly," Dean said.

"Say it."

"I give myself over wholly to serve God and you guys," Dean said.

"You swear to follow his will and his word as swiftly and obediently as you did your own father's?"

"Yes, I swear. Now what?"

"Now you wait, and we call on you when it's time," replied Castiel, and he disappeared from Dean's sight before Dean required him to further lie.

" _Good,_ " whispered Kyniel with a smile into Castiel's head. " _Now, release the younger brother from the room in which he is locked."_

Castiel felt a large lump in his stomach. If Sam was released from Bobby's panic room where he was detoxing from the demon blood, it would start a chain reaction which would lead to Sam killing Lilith and freeing Lucifer – Castiel knew that now. " _I am only given leave to act as liaison,"_ Castiel replied.

" _You need to hear it from Zachariah directly?"_ Kyniel sneered. _"We both know I'm approved to act as your superior while you're here. Unless… unless there's another reason you hesitate?"_

Castiel knew that these had been Kyniel's orders, but that she was making Castiel complete them as an additional form of torture. Still, he couldn't exactly refuse. Swallowing hard, Castiel opened the door to the panic room, staring hard at Kyniel as he did so. Then he disappeared.

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

Castiel was glad, for once, for his current lack of orders. They gave him time to think. He had never thought that he would be the type of angel to work against God, and by extension Heaven. The few times that he had considered what this might feel like, however, Castiel had thought that it would make him feel sinfully good for a moment, and horrible later. Meanwhile, working for God, and by extension Heaven, would make him feel how he had always felt – righteous, and just in his actions.

Things were more complicated than that. God was gone. There was no working for God anymore. Castiel rather thought that the God that he had imagined was leading Heaven would have been ashamed at the actions of the angels… but perhaps Michael and Raphael had known him better.

There was only Heaven, then, but this was confusing as well. When he had been working against Heaven, he had felt… he felt _free._ He had felt good in the moment, but he hadn't doubted his decisions later, at least until he was tortured. But now, working for Heaven was making him feel… _wrong._

Jimmy, his vessel, was not making things easier. Castiel considered himself to be a merciful angel, and he tried to make things as easy on Jimmy as possible. Jimmy was one of God's creations, and Castiel's true vessel, and Castiel was thankful for the opportunity to reside in a vessel that could hold his power. It saved him the trouble of burning through multiple vessels, and for this he was grateful. After the first week or so, Castiel and Jimmy had reached a harmony which hadn't been questioned… until now.

Jimmy was awake more than ever now, and every few minutes he seemed to feel the need to speak his opinion. _This is wrong, Castiel,"_ he would say. _"You know it's wrong."_

Once again, Castiel forced Jimmy to sleep, but his vessel had a point. Never in his several thousand years of life had he felt this horrible sense of wrongness, as though he was touching the edge of Hell, and deserved to be there –

Someone else was here with him.

Anna.

"What did you do?" she demanded.

"You shouldn't have come, Anna." He couldn't think. If he thought, he would doubt, and doubt would lead him back to where he was before. _I am loyal to the will of Heaven._

"Why would you let out Sam Winchester?"

"Those were my orders." The other angels were on their way.

"Orders? Cas, you saw him. He's drinking demon blood. It's so much worse than we thought. Dean was trying to stop him."

"You really shouldn't have come," Castiel said, again blocking out the doubt.

Two angels appeared suddenly on either side of Anna, and then all three disappeared in a blinding light.

The feeling of wrongness was back, and now it engulfed him, drowning him.

It was _guilt_ , Castiel realized. Horrible, overwhelming guilt. This was worse than the torture, so much worse.

Castiel wished he were dead.

 **May 14**

 **ONE WEEK LATER**

Two weeks. Two weeks was all it had taken, and Castiel's doubts were back in full force. It was almost as if he had never had the torture.

The guilt followed him everywhere. He thought, several times, of explaining everything to Dean. Twice, he transported himself to Dean's location. Each time, Kyniel gave him what Dean would have called a "shit-eating grin," as though she knew exactly what Castiel was considering.

But it wasn't really a consideration. Even despite his doubts, Castiel now knew what was at risk should he betray Heaven again. Dean would die, and return to Hell. Sam would be sent to Hell, as well, and so would Ember – his torturer had promised it. All of the angels who had shown loyalty to Castiel in the past - and there were several, because he had been a fairly well-respected Garrison Captain before he had been tortured and stripped of power – were at risk. He could never betray Heaven again.

And yet still, there was guilt.

Each day, Sam's final showdown with Lilith loomed closer, and Castiel reasoned that he was helpless to stop it, even if he'd wanted to. Kyniel watched every move the Winchesters made, and he'd betrayed his only real angelic alliance, Anna. Even Jimmy no longer showed him any amount of kindness. " _The only reason I haven't forced you out is because of my daughter,"_ his vessel told him as frequently as possible. " _This is not God's plan, and you know that, Castiel. You're despicable. You're worse than a demon. I wish I'd never met you."_

He wished he could disappear. God was truly lost.

And finally the time came, and Zachariah transported Dean to the Room of Desires. That's what Zachariah was calling it – the Room of Desires. Kyniel and Castiel were allowed to come as well. Castiel was allowed to come (he knew) to keep Dean happy as much as possible. They still needed him in the end, for something - that much was obvious. Kyniel was allowed to come (of course) to keep an eye on Castiel.

"This won't work," Castiel told the other two angels. "Dean will know he's trapped here. Cheeseburgers are not going to distract Dean from the fact that he's not allowed out of the room."

"Then let him out of the room!" exclaimed Zachariah. "I don't care where the mud monkey goes, as long as you go with him."

"He will want to see his brother."

"So we won't let him!" Kyniel exploded, smirking and taking a glance at Zachariah. "This is not that difficult, Castiel. Keep him happy. Don't let him out."

Zachariah gave a giant smile to Kyniel and a frown to Castiel, then disappeared.

It didn't work, of course, just as Castiel predicted. "Screw this noise!" Dean exclaimed. "I'm out of here."

"Through what door?" Castiel asked, disappearing the door and then disappearing himself. He took a moment to compose himself before summoning Zachariah back. His stomach hurt. He thought he was going to be sick. It was a new sensation.

Zachariah ultimately decided to tell Dean the truth, or at least part of it. There was no point in delaying now… the deed was almost done, anyway, and Dean was obviously not happy. "You're still vital, Dean," Zachariah said. "We weren't lying about your destiny. Just... omitted a few pertinent details. But nothing's changed. You are chosen. You will stop it. Just... not Lilith, or the Apocalypse… You're going to stop Lucifer. You're our own little Russell Crowe, complete with surly attitude. And when it's over... and when you've won... your rewards will be... unimaginable. Peace, happiness... two virgins and seventy sluts."

Zachariah laughed, and Castiel found that the sound still made a shiver of displeasure crawl up his spine. "Trust me - one day, we'll look back on this and laugh."

Dean looked as upset as Castiel felt. Betrayal… that's the look that was on Dean's face now, when he looked at Castiel. It was the same look Anna had given him, right before the other angels took her away. "Tell me something," he said. "Where's God in all this?"

"God?" Zachariah said, sneering. "God has left the building."

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

Zachariah had left several hours ago and not returned to the Room of Desires.

" _You may as well leave, too, Castiel_ ," Kyniel said snidely into Castiel's head, remaining out of Dean's sight. " _It's as good as done with by now_."

" _That is a fair point_ ," Castiel pretended to agree. He had had an idea. He could tell Kyniel was itching to leave Dean's side. Perhaps if Castiel left, and Kyniel felt that the deck was stacked regardless of their actions, she would feel free to leave as well.

Castiel waited five minutes, then returned. It was as he had hoped – Kyniel was nowhere to be found. For the first time in weeks, Castiel found himself smiling. At least he could comfort Dean… at least he could apologize. Then perhaps some of this guilt would leave…

Dean was on the phone when Castiel reappeared, and Castiel quickly realized that he was still trying to call Sam. "You can't reach him, Dean. You're outside your coverage zone."

"What are you gonna do to Sam?"

"Nothing," Castiel said honestly. "He's gonna do it to himself."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Castiel looked down. Kyniel had left, but there was always the chance that an angel more powerful than Castiel, like Zachariah – or worse, Raphael – was still listening, invisible.

"Oh, right, right," said Dean. "Got to toe the company line. Why are you here, Cas?"

 _To apologize. I owe you that much._ "We've been through much together, you and I," Castiel began. "And I just wanted to say, I'm sorry it ended like this."

"Sorry?" Dean said, and he looked furious. With effort, he punched Castiel. It didn't hurt, but it made Castiel want to disappear again. He had hoped he would feel less guilty after he apologized… instead, he felt worse.

"It's Armageddon, Cas," Dean snapped. "You need a bigger word than 'sorry.'"

"Try to understand - this is long foretold," Castiel said. "This is your-…"

"Destiny?" Dean said, cutting off the angel. "Don't give me that 'holy' crap. Destiny, God's plan... It's all a bunch of lies, you poor, stupid son of a bitch! It's just a way for your bosses to keep me and keep you in line! You know what's real? People, families - that's real. And you're gonna watch them all burn?"

He thought about the children on the playground, each time he had met there to speak with Uriel. They had always been so happy, so carefree, his father's creations.

Then Castiel thought briefly about Ember. He had been so wrapped up in Dean recently, and the Apocalypse, that it had been some time since the half-demon woman had snuck into his mind. He wondered what she was doing right now, with Dean having disappeared out of nowhere and Sam releasing Lucifer. " _I'm pretty sure I'm more righteous than you today,"_ she had said.

But if he helped Dean, Ember would go to Hell. Sam, and Dean, and Bobby would go to Hell, and Rachel and Hannah and the others would be in danger. And so there was only pain.

"What is so worth saving?" Castiel asked his friend. "I see nothing but pain here. I see inside you. I see your guilt, your anger, confusion. In paradise, all is forgiven. You'll be at peace. Even with Sam."

"You can take your peace... and shove it up your lily-white ass. 'Cause I'll take the pain and the guilt. I'll even take Sam as is. It's a lot better than being some Stepford bitch in paradise. This is simple, Cas! No more crap about being a good soldier. There is a right and there is a wrong here, and you know it."

He did know it, and it made him turn away in shame.

"Look at me!" screamed Dean, grabbing Castiel's shoulder and wheeling him around. "You know it! You were gonna help me once, weren't you? You were gonna warn me about all this, before they dragged you back to Bible camp. Help me - now. Please."

"What would you have me do?" Castiel asked hesitantly. It was a runaway train now, and it couldn't be stopped. He hadn't meant to let things get this far, but a bright light began to shine deep within him. For the first time in a week, he felt lighter, as though the guilt had finally begun to dissipate.

He recognized the feeling – it was _hope._

"Get me to Sam," Dean said. "We can stop this before it's too late."

"I do that, we will all be hunted. We'll all be killed," Castiel said.

"If there is anything worth dying for... this is it."

But Castiel still wasn't sure.

"You spineless… soulless son of a bitch," Dean said, shaking his head. "What do you care about dying? You're already dead. We're done."

"Dean," Castiel protested, and he felt suddenly as though a piece of him was breaking.

"We're done!" screamed Dean.

Castiel disappeared.

When he reappeared, he realized that he had automatically gone to the place he felt the most peaceful. It was the personal heaven of an autistic man who had drowned in a bathtub in 1953. Domiel had found it one day in happier times, and they had spent countless afternoons there discussing battle strategies and simply spending time together.

In fact, Castiel realized that the last time he had been there had been just after Anna fell, as he and Domiel had prepared to take their positions as Garrison Captain and Corporal, respectively.

Domiel, who had died fighting against what was happening…

Something inside Castiel snapped. It all came together at once, in one giant ball of guilt, and hope, and peace, and _screw it._ He had been through too much, lived too long, seen too much. But the worst, the absolute worst thing he had ever endured, including the torture, had been the guilt he had carried around the past week, and he wouldn't be responsible for the Apocalypse – he _wouldn't._

Castiel didn't think. He appeared behind Dean, grabbed him by the shoulder, and shoved him against the wall, pressing a hand over his mouth and drawing a knife. A moment passed, and Dean nodded in understanding. Castiel let him go.

"Castiel!" Zachariah exclaimed. "Would you mind explaining just what the hell you're doing?"

But Castiel had already touched Dean's forehead and flew him to an empty cornfield in Indiana.

"We have to find Sam," Castiel said immediately.

"Where is he?"

"I don't know," Castiel responded. "But I know who does." The plan was coming to him as he went along. It was rather exciting, but also overwhelming. "We have to stop him, Dean, from killing Lilith."

"But Lilith's gonna break the final seal," Dean reminded him.

"Lilith _is_ the final seal," Castiel responded gruffly. "She dies, the end begins."

Dean's horrified face blinked out of existence for a brief second as Castiel flew himself and Dean quickly to Chuck's house.

The prophet looked up in shock.

"Where's my brother?" shouted Dean, taking Chuck by the scruff of his jacket and hoisting him up in the air.

"I didn't do-…"

"Dean!" Castiel said in warning.

Dean let go of Chuck, but became no less demanding. "Where is my brother, right now? You know, I know you do! Where will he meet Lilith?"

"St. Mary's," Chuck said uncertainly, straightening his jacket.

"St. Mary's?" Dean asked. "What is that, a convent?"

"Yeah, but you guys aren't supposed to be there," Chuck said, still looking skiddish. "You're not in this story."

"Yeah, well..." Castiel glanced at Dean. "We're making it up as we go."

Suddenly the computer screen began to flicker as a great rumbling began, accompanied by a blinding white light.

"Aw, man!" Chuck screamed. "Not again! No!"

This was the end, Castiel knew. It hadn't been how he'd hoped it would end. It hadn't been how he had ever imagined he would die, smited by his own brother. Was it Raphael, or Michael? He wasn't sure. But, if Dean could get to Sam, it would be worth it. If they could save themselves, save Ember, save the _world…_ perhaps it would be worth it. "It's the archangel! I'll hold him off! I'll hold them all off! Just stop Sam!"

Castiel put his hand on Dean's forehead, sending him away. He felt the prophet place a hand on his shoulder, and looked at him sharply. Chuck dropped his hand, fearful.

It had been an odd feeling, but a good one… Castiel was sorry that Chuck had let go. It was a fitting death, to die this way, for humanity.

He saw now… it was Raphael.

Then everything went black.


	7. S5 Part 1, The Search for God

**Author's Note: Please review! I don't own Supernatural.**

 **May 14**

Castiel awakened abruptly. He tried to move his body, but couldn't. He realized, startled, that he no longer seemed attached to either his angel body or his human vessel.

Still, he had sight, and hearing. A scene played out in front of him, and he was helpless to do anything but watch. Zachariah had the brothers cornered, Castiel realized. They stood against the wall, and Zachariah stood between them and the door, with Kyniel and Swaniel flanking him.

"You're Michael's weapon," Zachariah was saying. "Or, rather, his...receptacle."

"I'm a vessel?" Dean asked.

"You're _the_ vessel. Michael's vessel," Zachariah replied.

And now it made sense. This, then, was why the angels had left Castiel alive, even after he had disobeyed them. They needed an angel who could convince Dean to allow Michael to possess him.

It made sense, but Castiel knew better. Dean would never allow this.

"Oh, yeah. Yeah, life as an angel condom. That's real fun. I think I'll pass, thanks." Castiel felt like smiling, but realized he no longer had lips. Was this real, what he was seeing, or some kind of dream? Why was he witnessing this?

Without any other way to convince Dean, Zachariah would resort to violence, Castiel knew. Sure enough, Zachariah raised one hand, fingers like a gun, and pointed at Dean, then shifted to Sam. "Bang."

With a loud crunch, Sam's legs were broken, and he fell to the floor.

Castiel wanted to help them. Why couldn't he move?

"You son of a bitch!" Dean cried.

"Keep mouthing off, I'll break more than his legs," Zachariah responded. "I am completely and utterly through screwing around. The war has begun. We don't have our general. That's bad. Now, Michael is going to take his vessel and lead the final charge against the adversary. You understand me?"

"How many humans die in the the crossfire, huh? A million? Five, ten?"

"Probably more," said Zachariah. "If Lucifer goes unchecked, you know how many die? All of them. He'll roast the planet alive."

"There's a reason you're telling me this instead of just nabbing me," Dean said. "You need my consent. Michael needs my say-so to ride around in my skin."

Castiel felt a swell of pride. Dean was smart; the angels should've picked someone different. He had to help him. _Why_ couldn't he help?

"There is no other way," Zachariah was saying. "There must be a battle. Michael must defeat the serpent. It is written."

"Yeah, maybe. But, on the other hand... Eat me. The answer's no," said Dean.

"Okay. How about this?" asked Zachariah, and Castiel felt a stab of dread. "Your friend Bobby—we know he's gravely injured. Say yes, and we'll heal him. Say no, he'll never walk again."

"No," Dean snapped.

"Then how about we heal you from...stage-four stomach cancer?" Castiel almost laughed (but, again, he couldn't). This was Zachariah's worst plan yet. Dean was least likely to cave against a threat to himself, and even if he died, the angels would bring him back to life again.

Dean doubled over, coughing, and spit blood into his palm. Castiel tried to shut his eyes, but couldn't. He felt something though, this time… a dull sense of heaviness. He tried harder, attempting desperately to move a body that he couldn't completely feel.

"No," said Dean again.

"Then let's get really creative," Zachariah said. "Uh, let's see how...Sam does without his lungs."

Panic-stricken now, Castiel tried to move again. The heaviness lightened, just slightly. Castiel felt a tingling sensation all over his body. It was horribly uncomfortable, but at least it meant he still existed. He could feel Jimmy stirring as well, somewhere deep within his mind.

What was happening? Surely Raphael had killed him…

But it didn't matter now.

Sam was gasping for breath. "Are we having fun yet?" asked Zachariah. "You're going to say yes, Dean."

"Just kill us," Dean said, doubled over.

"Kill you? Oh, no. I'm just getting started."

With an almighty effort, Castiel broke free of the sluggishness that still surrounded him. Suddenly, he felt charged with energy.

He wasted no time. Kyniel went first. Castiel had never killed one of his sisters before, but he felt no remorse doing so now. Kyniel had betrayed everything that Castiel believed in. Dean was a better man than Kyniel. The half-demon, Ember, was a better _woman_ than Kyniel. Swaniel attempted to fight Castiel, but Castiel stabbed him in the back.

Zachariah turned around and stared, his attention caught by the bright light created by the two dying angels. "How are you…?"

"Alive?" Castiel asked. "That's a good question. How did these two end up on that airplane?" They had been brought back from the dead, Castiel realized. They must have been brought back… by _God._ "Another good question. Cause the angels didn't do it. I think we both know the answer, don't we?"

Castiel was quite proud of himself. He hadn't had a plan, at least not one better than " _Keep the Winchesters safe,"_ and yet he was doing fairly well. Information was flashing across his mind that he hadn't known that he knew, and he could think of only one explanation.

"No. That's not possible," said Zachariah.

"It scares you," Castiel said, advancing on his superior. He knew, now. He would be on the run. He had given everything up, for Dean, and Sam, and Ember… and his father, who had brought him back for this purpose. "Well, it should. Now, put these boys back together and go. I won't ask twice."

Zachariah vanished. Sam looked up, surprised, and Castiel was happy to see that Zachariah had healed both brothers from the wounds he had inflicted.

"You two need to be more careful," said Castiel.

"Yeah, I'm starting to get that," said Dean. "Your frat brothers are bigger dicks than I thought."

"I don't mean the angels," Castiel said. "Lucifer is circling his vessel. And once he takes it, those hex bags won't be enough to protect you."

Castiel could hide himself from the other angels, he realized, but Dean and Sam couldn't. They were protected well enough from demons with their anti-possession symbol and the hex bags, but angels were a different matter entirely. Wordlessly, Castiel put a hand on either of their chests and carved an Enocian sigil into their ribs.

With the Enocian sigils, they should be safe, Castiel reasoned. There was much to do, now that he was hiding from (free of?) Heaven, and he couldn't watch the brothers all the time. He had to do what had helped him when he was Garrison Captain, before he had been taken back to Heaven and tortured; he had to try to think of strategy.

How would Zachariah go about finding Sam and Dean again, once they realized that the brothers had been hidden from them?

 _Ember._

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

Castiel appeared in the hospital where Bobby was being treated. Bobby was asleep, and he had no visitors that Castiel could see at first glance. He could sense that Ember was in the room, however. Sure enough, when he looked closer, he was able to see her thin outline. She was more powerful, then, with Lucifer out of the cage now. Castiel wondered if she was aware of just how much her power had grown since Lucifer's release.

A second after Castiel's entrance, Ember showed herself. "Hey, Cas?" she said.

Castiel hadn't seen Ember in almost two weeks, since he had just come back from being tortured in Heaven and refused to tell the brothers what he had learned. He hadn't actually _spoken_ to Ember since that day in the hospital, so long ago, before he had realized that Uriel had betrayed them. It was only two months ago, but it felt like two hundred years. Was Ember still mad at him, as she had been then? _"I may be a half-demon, but I'm pretty sure I'm more righteous than you today."_

Castiel allowed himself to feel again the sensation that he often felt when she was around, only now it seemed to be stronger. It overwhelmed him for a second – he was so drawn to her for a moment that he took a subconscious step toward her before he shook himself out of it. "You don't have anything mean to say this time," he observed.

"Dean told me how much you've helped," she confessed. "Thank you."

Castiel nodded, a wave of relief washing through him that he didn't understand. He _had_ helped a lot, though it had been too little and too late, in the end… Still, Castiel felt more excited than he probably should have that Ember had forgiven him for past transgressions.

Castiel forced himself to focus on business. "I was hoping you would be here," he said. "Night shift, again?"

"Yes," she said. "Why are you here?"

"I have already given Dean and Sam protection from the angels," Castiel said, "But it has occurred to me that you will need it as well."

"Protection?" she asked.

"Your hex bags will not work for long," Castiel said. "Lucifer will be too strong. With Sam and Dean, I carved old Enochian sigils on their ribs. But with you being half demon, yours will be more painful. If you do not allow this, however, you will not be able to travel with them as you will give away their location."

Ember sighed. "On my ribs?"

"Yes."

"Okay, then, go ahead."

Castiel was surprised. "You would trust this?"

"I trust Dean," Ember said.

"This will be painful," Castiel said. He moved closer to her. He didn't trust himself to touch her, but he realized that he had to. What was this feeling he felt when he was around her? And why was the thought of her trusting Dean suddenly making him so angry? Castiel splayed his hand across her ribs and created the sigils meant to protect her from Lucifer. She cried out, and Castiel had to hold himself back from holding her to make sure she was okay. The urge to reach out to her surprised him, and he yanked his hand backward as if her touch had burned him.

Slowly, she gritted her teeth and gave him a huge smile. "Thanks, Cas."

"No problem," he said, and left before he had more time to think about how she made him feel.

 **May 17**

It took three days for Castiel to decide what he should do next. It occurred to him that now that he was in hiding, he would need safe houses and warding similar to what the Winchesters had. He established a safe house on either side of the United States in case he needed it. He also bought a cell phone so that he could reach the Winchesters if he needed to do so.

Sometime during this process, Castiel's next step became clear to him. "I'm gonna find God," Castiel announced to Dean, Sam, Ember, and Bobby. The group were clustered around Bobby's hospital bed. As usual when he was around Winchesters, Castiel felt the horrible conflicting of different emotions: pride that he had rebelled, guilt that he hadn't done it earlier, and the odd feeling that he always felt in Ember's presence. As usual, he shifted all of the feelings to the side to investigate at a later date that would probably never arrive.

Dean was skeptical at best about Castiel's plan to find God. "Listen, Chuckles, even if there is a God, he is either dead—and that's the generous theory—…"

Castiel bristled with rage. "He is out there, Dean."

"—or he's up and kicking and doesn't give a rat's ass about any of us."

Castiel glared at the righteous man. He was proud of the humans previously under his charge, but sometimes they could be truly infuriating.

"I mean, look around you, man," Dean continued. "The world is in the toilet. We are literally at the end of days here, and he's off somewhere drinking booze out of a coconut. All right?"

"Enough," said Castiel. "This is not a theological issue. It's strategic. With God's help, we can win."

"It's a pipe dream, Cas."

Why was this so difficult for Dean to understand? God had brought them all back from the dead. There was only one answer now. Castiel advanced on the stubborn man. "I killed two angels this week. My brothers. I'm hunted. I rebelled. And I did it, all of it, for you, and you failed. You and your brother destroyed the world, and I lost everything, for nothing. So keep your opinions to yourself."

To Castiel's satisfaction, Dean looked surprised at his outburst. Sam and Ember looked downright guilty.

"If you think there's a chance, Cas, that would really help," Ember whispered, touching him lightly on his arm.

Castiel flinched backward at her touch, and she gave him a scared look and dropped her arm in embarrassment. He nodded at her in encouragement, however.

"You didn't drop in just to tear us a new hole," said Bobby, interrupting. "What is it you want?"

"I did come for something," said Castiel. "An amulet."

"An amulet? What kind?"

"Very rare. Very powerful. It burns hot in God's presence. It'll help me find him."

"A God EMF?"

Castiel nodded.

"Well, I don't know what you're talking about," said Bobby. "I got nothing like that."

"I know," Castiel confirmed. "You don't."

Castiel looked at Dean, then dropped his gaze to Dean's amulet.

"What, this?" he asked.

"May I borrow it?"

"No," Dean snapped.

"Dean. Give it to me," Castiel demanded. He didn't have time for this.

"All right, I guess," said Dean, finally removing the amulet. "Don't lose it."

Castiel took the amulet. "Great. Now I feel naked," Dean said.

"I'll be in touch," said Castiel, preparing to leave.

"Cas, wait," said Ember. "Can I talk with you for a second?"

Castiel looked at her, startled. He started to say, "I don't think that's wise," but stopped himself. "Please be brief, I haven't much time," he said finally.

"It's just…" Ember said, taking a deep breath. "I want to know about my demon powers."

Castiel looked at her strangely, insulted. "How should I know anything about your ungodly powers?"

Hurt flashed in Ember's eyes, but she plowed on. "They're getting stronger," she said bravely. "They scare me. And, they confuse me. I can kill demons now." Both Ember's and Dean's eyes flashed toward Sam, who looked away quickly.

"But I'm afraid that if I do, I'll go dark side," Ember continued. "Bobby thinks that some of the powers that my demon side gives me are okay, as long as I don't use them for evil. And I wanted to know what you thought."

It occurred to Castiel for the first time that Ember had never truly had proper guidance about her demon powers. And what a concept – guidance, for demon powers! She had done well for herself – she had already earned a place in Heaven, though this was not definite. She had avoided most wrong-doing. And, Castiel realized, she had done this mostly on the guesswork of Bobby, who fortunately had good morals and a good sense about the supernatural. But she had never had proper instruction on this, he realized; only lucky guesswork, and an awful lot of effort on her part to resist temptation.

He could tell that she worried that using her demonic powers against demons would exacerbate the powers themselves… or perhaps she worried that she was an addict, like Sam when he was drinking demon blood.

She was right, he realized. He _did_ have a fairly decent idea of the answers to her questions. He felt the familiar sensation of pride, that he could do or say something to assuage her fears. It was a stronger feeling than he was used to.

"I cannot tell you for certain," Castiel said. "But the powers you're using, as I think Bobby has already theorized, aren't inherently bad."

"Because I'm killing demons, not humans?"

"Not entirely. Killing demons itself is a Heavenly, good act, however you do it, but that doesn't mean it won't bring out your darkness. The deeds that may or may not tempt you to darkness are specific to you. To my knowledge, however, there are two factors that would cause you to go 'more demon.'" (Here, Castiel put his fingers into the air, using mock quotes.)

"The first factor is what the powers are used for, such as if you were using your powers to kill humans or angels, or to torture," Castiel continued. "If you went on a killing spree of demons and killed a significant amount of hosts in the process, for example, it might tempt your dark side. But you have always killed demons to defend yourself and your friends, and spared the hosts when you could."

Ember nodded, digesting this information. "What's the other factor?" she asked.

"The other thing that brings out the darkness is the means by which you obtain demonic powers," said Castiel. "You, being half demon, have them naturally. They are a part of you. Sam, meanwhile, is another story."

Ember nodded, digesting this, and Sam looked away in shame.

"If you should have further questions, feel free to ask," Castiel said, preparing to leave again.

"When you find God, tell him to send legs!" Bobby yelled as Castiel disappeared.


	8. S5 Part 2, Enjoyment of Iniquity

**Author's Note: Please review! I don't own Supernatural.**

 **July 24**

 **TWO MONTHS LATER**

Castiel didn't see the Winchesters again for over two months. After the first month, he was reasonably certain that God either was not on Earth, or else Dean's amulet didn't work.

During the second month, Castiel took to questioning other angels about God's whereabouts, hoping that one of his brothers or sisters might know something. Castiel was one of the strongest angels currently stationed on Earth, and was too smart to approach angels when there was more than one of them, so he was not overly worried for his safety. Still, it took quite awhile to question all of the angels that were currently walking the Earth.

No matter who he questioned, the answers were always the same; nobody knew anything. Some of the angels would attempt to fight him, and he would have to extract information by force. Angels weren't used to being tortured, so this was typically as simple as binding them somehow and promising to release them only when they had had a decent conversation with him.

Most of the angels he spoke with, including Rachel and Hannah, expressed regret that he had Fallen and fear about their continued association with him. These conversations were deeply embarrassing, and Castiel occasionally wondered how he had Fallen so far, so quickly. When he went back through his decisions, however, the only ones he regretted involved his services to Heaven immediately after his torture, before he deflected completely and was killed by Raphael. Of these decisions, Anna was the one which he regretted the most. Surely she must be dead now, or worse. He thought of her often – almost as much as he thought of Domiel.

A few of the angels Castiel spoke with (again, including Rachel and Hannah) were appalled upon learning the true nature of Heaven's plans for the Apocalypse. None of them agreed outright with Castiel's actions, nor did they agree to help him search for God. Still, many had a look in their eyes that Castiel recognized – the look of doubt. He hoped, more than anything, that someday he wouldn't be the only Fallen angel – that more would deflect, and he would no longer be fighting this battle alone. He was lonely, and Heaven seemed far away, and the Apocalypse seemed to be a mountain that he could never climb.

After two months, Castiel realized that the only angel who walked on Earth with whom he had not spoken was also the most likely to have answers – Raphael.

It also occurred to Castiel that the angels wouldn't dare hurt Dean, because he was Michael's vessel. Dean would be perfect to assist him on this mission – the righteous man owed him that much, even if he refused to admit it. Ember might be of assistance as well, though something unexpected coiled in his stomach at the prospect.

Castiel knew that this mission was suicide. Raphael had already killed him once, and wouldn't hesitate to kill him again. Still, it was a worthy end, equally as worthy, he decided, as being killed in battle with demons. He would give everything, now, for these humans who had risked so much to save the world.

Besides, Castiel was tired – tired of running, tired of rebelling, and tired of the embarrassment of being a Fallen, though he didn't regret the decisions that had led him here.

Dean's attitude about the mission created problems almost immediately, of course. "Last time you zapped me someplace, I didn't poop for a week!" he said when Castiel attempted to fly himself, Dean, and Ember to Maine to investigate a lead. "We're driving."

"We're short on time," Castiel said, "but if you insist, I'll meet you in Maine."

Ember rolled her eyes. "Really?" she protested. "C'mon, Cas. We haven't seen you in two months. You're the only angel on our shoulder, and we barely know anything about you! We'd really like to pick your brain!"

Castiel gave her a horrified look. "I don't think I would-…"

Ember rolled her eyes again. "Jesus, Cas, it's a _saying,"_ she said. "It means that we want to get to know you. We're on the same side, right?"

"I already know almost everything about you," Castiel said, confused.

"Fine," Ember grumbled. "It's only four hours. I just figured we'd have a chance to talk, is all."

Dean gave Castiel a dirty look. Castiel could tell he had done something to hurt their feelings, though he couldn't put his finger on what it was. Perhaps they felt that they were doing him a favor by driving him and saving him the trouble of flying.

Castiel weighed his options. On the one hand, he dreaded being in a confined space with Ember for four hours. The smell alone might drive him crazy. On the other hand, Ember was right, from a strategic standpoint. It might, after all, be beneficial to allow them to "pick his brain."

"I see your point," Castiel said. "I will ride with you and we shall pick each other's brains."

Dean and Ember shot each other a questioning look, but followed him out the door.

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

Castiel had been right. Sitting in the car with Ember for four hours was torture. He was drawn to her, and he still didn't understand why. Forced to sit near her for this long, he was finally able to pick apart and catalogue her smell: a citrusy perfume, combined with something altogether demon, and something wholly ethereal which he didn't recognize. He couldn't stop looking at her, and it was a blessing that he had been relegated to the back seat while she was sitting in the passenger seat.

During the first hour of the drive, the three of them talked about topics which were unrelated to the Apocalypse. Castiel didn't understand this; he had been under the impression that he would be riding with them in order to discuss strategy. When he said as much, Ember fixed him with a look from the front seat.

"Do angels ever relax, Cas?"

"What?"

"What do you do to _relax?"_

Relax. It seemed like a foreign concept. A picture came to him immediately, however, of himself and Domiel. They had talked strategy often, of course, but at times their conversations would wander to other topics: what they would do if they were promoted, their friends in the Garrison, God's creatures, and the various versions of Heaven.

"I haven't… relaxed recently," he said, tripping over the words. "I was Captain of the Garrison, and then I Fell, and the Apocalypse…" He paused. "There wasn't… time."

Ember shared a surprised look with Dean. "Don't you get… I don't know, tired?" Ember asked.

"Angels don't sleep," he said. "We don't need to. We have an endless supply of energy, unless it has been depleted by wounds or use of our powers in battle." He paused for a moment.

"Okay," Ember said. "Well, when was the last time you did something simply because you _enjoyed_ it?"

Castiel's thoughts immediately wandered back to his time in the autistic man's Heaven with Domiel. "I… used to do _enjoyable_ things… thirty years ago, approximately," he said honestly. "But lately I have been busy. And the… the _friend_ whose company I used to enjoy… was killed recently."

"Oh," said Ember, lapsing into silence. Finally, she said, "I'm sorry."

"It is fine. She died fighting for what she believed in."

They were quiet for awhile, but just when Castiel thought the subject was done for good, Ember spoke up again. "OK, so… if you _were_ to do something fun… what would it be?"

Castiel tried to think of what he would consider to be _fun._ He realized with shock that this was the most _fun_ he had had in a long time. Talking to the righteous man and his girlfriend – to his Father's creations – was highly enjoyable. The sweet feeling of pleasantness that followed Ember wherever she went was sinfully enjoyable, as well. He was glad to have a bit of _fun,_ he decided, before he died.

"This, perhaps," he admitted.

"And yet you fought us on it," Ember pointed out, looking at him with triumph.

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

When they finally reached Waterville, Maine, Castiel began to give Dean directions to the sheriff's office where they needed to investigate.

"Hold on, dude," said Dean. "We've gotta find a place to sleep first."

Castiel shot them an annoyed look, but remained silent. Dean dropped Ember off at an abandoned house to scope it out for the night, and the two mercifully continued on to the sheriff's office. With Ember out of the car, Castiel relaxed immediately.

"You okay, dude?" Dean asked.

"Your girlfriend makes me feel very odd," said Castiel. "It puts me on edge."

Dean looked at him strangely for a second. The other man appeared to be considering him. Then he burst out laughing.

"What?" Castiel asked. "Did I say something funny?"

"Nothing," Dean said. "Never mind."

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

With much effort, Dean and Castiel learned from the sheriff that a skirmish had occurred recently between demons and angels at a gas station, and Raphael had appeared to end the battle in favor of the angels. The gas station was leveled, and only one man had made it out unscathed, according to the sheriff. The man's name was Donnie Finneman, and he had been taken to St. Peter's Hospital.

When they arrive at St. Peter's, however, they discovered Donnie sitting in a wheelchair, catatonic.

"Just an empty vessel," Castiel said to Dean.

"So is this what I'm looking at if Michael jumps in my bones?"

"No, not at all," said Castiel. "Michael is much more powerful. It'll be far worse for you."

Dean looked away, and Castiel felt a twinge of pity.

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

Castiel spent the next several hours in Jerusalem, obtaining a special oil to trap Raphael.

"Tell me something," Dean said when Castiel returned to the abandoned house. "You keep saying we're gonna trap this guy. Isn't that kinda like trapping a hurricane with a butterfly net?"

"No, it's harder," Castiel said.

"Do we have any chance of surviving this?"

"You do," said Castiel. He was confident of that. Dean would survive it because he was Michael's vessel, and Ember would survive it because the angels would be at least somewhat hesitant to piss Dean off as much as killing Ember would require. Michael himself had given the order to leave Ember alive, and the order hadn't changed, at least not to Castiel's knowledge. No, Raphael would be sure to go after Castiel.

"So, odds are you're a dead man tomorrow," said Dean.

Ember asked, "Cas, are you sure you want to do this?"

Castiel answered both questions: "Yes."

Ember and Dean gave each other a significant look.

"Well. Last night on earth. What are your plans?" Dean asked.

Castiel hadn't thought about that. "Well, I just thought I'd sit here quietly," he said honestly.

Ember and Dean exchanged another significant look. Castiel began to feel that he was missing something. "Dude, c'mon. Anything?" Dean asked. "Booze? Women?"

Castiel had considered the prospect; not on this particular night, but in general. But it was not something a respectable angel did.

Of course, he wasn't exactly a "respectable angel" anymore, either. Now, he was a rebel. Granted, with Dean staring down at him like he had grown a third ear, he didn't feel much like a rebel.

"You _have_ been with a woman before, right?" Dean asked. "Or an angel at least?" Castiel didn't answer. "You mean to tell me you've never been up there doing a little cloud-seeding?"

"Look, I've never had occasion, okay?" Castiel said awkwardly. Such things did not become angels.

Ember laughed. "Look, I know angels are all pious, and it's different than humans, but… you've never even _thought_ about it?"

Suddenly, a picture came into his mind, unbidden, of himself and Ember in a very, _very_ intimate position. _What the hell?_

""All right," said Dean determinedly. "Let me tell you something, there are two things that I know for certain. One, Bert and Ernie are gay. Two, you are _not_ gonna die a virgin. Not on my watch. Let's go."

Ember was laughing. "Be careful, okay?" she said, kissing Dean good-bye. "Don't sleep with any skanks."

"What about respectable women?" Dean asked teasingly.

Ember looked at Castiel and grinned. "Leave them for Castiel," she said, kissing him again.

And Dean ushered Castiel into the car.

It was an awful night. "What did you do?" asked Dean in alarm after the stripper he had chosen for Castiel ran away screaming and calling him a jerk.

"I don't know," Castiel confessed, his mind elsewhere. "I just looked at her in the eyes and told her it wasn't her fault that her father Gene ran off. It was because he hated his job at the _post office_."

Dean had begun to laugh. Castiel was glad Dean didn't know the real reason he seemed inattentive, however. How could he be attracted to a half-demon? How could he be attracted to Dean's girlfriend? He had never been attracted to _anybody_ , in the thousands of years of his existence! Because that's what it was, he realized. It had hit him like a ton of bricks, in there with Chaste, or Chastity, or whatever her stupid name was, and for the life of him he didn't understand it.

How could he have feelings for Ember?

 **July 25**

Miraculously, with a significant amount of effort, they had actually pulled it off. They had actually managed to trap Raphael.

"God?" Raphael said in his low voice, raising a derisive eyebrow at Castiel. "Didn't you hear? He's dead, Castiel. Dead. There's no other explanation. He's gone for good."

"You're lying," said Castiel insistently.

"Am I?" said Raphael. "Do you remember the twentieth century? Think the twenty-first is going any better? Do you think God would have let any of that happen if He were alive?"

"Oh yeah?" Dean asked. "Well then who invented the Chinese basket trick?"

Castiel was not familiar with this, but he wasn't surprised that it was an insult. "Careful," Raphael snapped. "That's my Father you're talking about, boy."

"Yeah, who would be so proud to know His sons started the frigging Apocalypse," Dean responded.

"Who ran off and disappeared," Raphael retorted. "Who left no instructions and a world to run."

"Daddy ran away and disappeared," Dean mocked. "He didn't happen to work for the post office, did He?"

Castiel smarted at the reference. "This is funny to you? You're living in a godless universe," snapped Raphael.

"And? What, you and the other kids just decided to throw an Apocalypse while He was gone?"

"We're tired," Raphael responded, and Castiel thought he sounded just like Zachariah. "We just want it to be over. We just want...paradise."

"So, what, God dies and makes you the boss and you decide you can do whatever you want?"

"Yes," Raphael answered. "And whatever we want, we get."

"If God is dead, why have I returned?" Castiel answered. "Who brought me back?"

"Did it ever occur to you that maybe Lucifer raised you?"

"No," Castiel said. Truthfully, it hadn't, and it didn't occur to him now. There was just frankly too much evidence to the contrary.

"Think about it," said Raphael. "He needs all the rebellious angels he can find. You know it adds up."

"Let's go," said Castiel. This trip had been a waste. Raphael knew nothing.

"Castiel, I'm warning you," said Raphael. "Do not leave me here. I will find you."

"Maybe one day," said Castiel. "But today, you're my little bitch."

Castiel smiled to himself as he left; that had been enjoyable. He wouldn't give up looking for God, that he knew. In the meantime, he resolved to enjoy himself while he was at it.


	9. S5 Part 3, A Slap in the Face

**Author's Note: I'm not sure if anyone is reading this, but I'm going to keep writing it anyway because I just like writing. This is one of my favorite chapters that I've written. I love the scene where Ember slaps him, but I also love the scene at the end of the chapter... I didn't plan on that one, it just sort of came out. I do not own Supernatural.**

 **August**

Castiel hadn't given up the search for God. He'd contacted old friends and allies that he thought he'd never see again, both angel-kind and a few humans. He'd found some higher-level demons and tortured them briefly, then smited them upon ensuring that they had no useful information. He'd even taken a brief foray into Hell, but he had gone just far enough in to know that the foray was useless without a longer-term plan and more intelligence. Still, there was no God.

Castiel was spending more time with Dean and Ember. He would call and ask where they were located, then drop in for a couple of hours and spend time with them.

The first time had been by accident. "Would you like an update on the search for God?" he had asked one evening. It had been an especially taxing day in mid-August, the evening after his first foray into Hell. He had barely gotten out alive, and the demon he had been hoping to find there had been killed several days ago by a higher-ranking demon. He had called Dean under the guise of providing an update, but the truth was that he was lonely and desperate and depressed.

"Sure, I guess," Dean had replied, giving him the address.

After he had given his report, Castiel had turned to leave, happy for the five minutes of company with familiar friends. Ember's presence had once again calmed him and left him feeling uncharacteristically happy, and he was ready to resume his search for God once again. "Dude, I swear," Dean said suddenly. "If you disappear, I'm gonna redial your stupid cell phone until you pop back in."

"That's not really necessary," Castiel said. "What do you need?"

Dean and Ember had looked at each other. "Cas, remember that conversation we had about _enjoying_ yourself?" Ember said pointedly.

"Yes," Castiel said. "I remember everything." It occurred to him then that he might be subjected to another long car ride. The thought of spending more time with Dean and Ember excited him, though the car ride had been cramped and physically uncomfortable.

Instead, Dean said, "Dude. There's beer in the cooler. Sit down. There's a movie on about angels. You'll enjoy it." Castiel looked at Dean curiously. He wondered if Dean missed his brother. He knew they had parted ways after Lucifer had risen. He understood that Dean was angry with Sam for getting involved with demon blood, but Castiel secretly hoped that they would mend their relationship soon. The Winchester brothers were stronger together, and they would need each other's support in the coming months. Castiel didn't want to get involved, but he would if he had to.

In the end, it had been a memorable evening. Dean and Ember had curled up together in one bed while Castiel sat on a chair near the end of the bed. They had watched a movie called "Angels in the Outfield" on television. Castiel found the depiction of angels in the movie blasphemic, but admittedly comical. During commercials, the three of them had enjoyed conversations about the coming Apocalypse, the other angels in Heaven, and the various types of foods that Dean and Ember repeatedly offered to Castiel.

The food was pointless and tasted bland, like all food. Castiel found the beer somewhat enjoyable, though he knew he would need much larger quantities to feel the effect that most humans desired from alcohol. Castiel enjoyed the conversation, and the opportunity to do nothing useful for the first time since the long car ride the previous month. Most of all, Castiel enjoyed Ember's presence – the smile on her face when she laughed at something he said, and the way her eyes studied his reactions as he watched the movie on television.

Castiel found, to his annoyance, that he felt a stab of irritation every time Dean slipped his arm around her or touched her shoulder. This fell in line with what he knew about feelings of attraction, and was further proof that he was, somehow, attracted to the half-demon woman. This continued to vex him. He knew that she attracted demons, of course – he had seen it in her mind. He had seen the effects in Sam, when Sam was drinking the demon blood, and in the other demons they had mutually come into contact with. This didn't explain his attraction to her, however, and it terrified him to the core. Was this because he had Fallen?

Ultimately, he enjoyed spending time with Dean and Ember, but the fear of his feelings for the half-demon woman kept him resolutely away. He tried to visit Dean when Ember was otherwise engaged, though this wasn't always possible. When she was present, he tried to stay only for a couple of hours, until the two of them stopped attempting to ply him with beer, food, and company. Each time he left, however, he would feel the now-familiar feeling of a hole inside of him that was previously filled up with Ember's company, smile, and smell.

 **September**

In early September, Dean called Castiel with news: Lucifer had come to Sam in a dream and asked him to be his vessel.

"I thought that might be the case," Castiel admitted heavily, appearing next to Dean. Ember was there too, and he braced himself for the pleasant feeling he always felt when she was near.

"What?" Dean exclaimed. "What do you mean you thought that might be the case? How could you not tell us?"

Castiel sighed. "I didn't want to alarm you until I knew for sure."

"But you couldn't even be bothered to -…" Dean started.

"Cas, I don't understand," said Ember more calmly, putting her hand on Dean's chest. "This whole vessel thing… how does it work?"

Castiel sat down carefully in a chair near the bed of today's ramshackle motel room. A thread was coming unraveled from it, and Castiel stared at it as though it had personally wounded him. "I don't understand it all, or _why_ it is the way it is, I just understand how angel magic works," he admitted. "There's a sort of… symmetry about things. I thought… as soon as I found out that Dean was Michael's chosen vessel, I thought this might be the case. Two brothers, so often at odds…" He trailed off. "Lucifer's and Michael's strongest vessels will be their parallels on Earth."

"We're not _at odds,"_ Dean said sharply.

"I was under the impression that you weren't speaking," Castiel said, confused.

"He spoke to me last night," Dean said. "He called to tell me about Lucifer."

"Yeah, and you told him to pick a hemisphere and stay away from you," shot back Ember. Castiel had rarely heard her be so condescending toward her boyfriend.

Dean shot her a look that even Castiel understood: _Be silent._ "There's no point talking to him," he said, and the conversation was over.

 **September 17**

Finally, Castiel had caught a break. He managed, completely by accident, to learn news about the Colt.

The Colt was the fabled gun that could kill anything. Dean had used it to kill Azazel, a Prince of Hell, before being dragged to Hell himself. Since then it had been stolen by Bela Talbot and traded to the demons. According to a mid-level demon Castiel ran into purely by accident one evening, they were still in possession of it.

The search for God had proven unyielding, so Castiel instead redirected his efforts toward this end. With the Colt, perhaps Dean or Sam could kill Lucifer, even if God did not return.

Around the same time, Zachariah managed to catch up with Dean and show him a vision of a future in which Dean refused to say "yes" to Michael. In Zachariah's future, Ember was dead, and Castiel was human. Sam had said "yes" to Lucifer. In the end, the future Dean and the future Castiel were killed by Lucifer, as was most of the rest of life on Earth.

After the vision, Dean still refused to say "yes" to Michael, but he did call Sam. The three began hunting together again, to Castiel's immense relief. Dean didn't tell Sam and Ember what he had witnessed in the vision, but he did confide it to Castiel one night when he was very drunk.

"What your douchey angel friend showed me… was it real?" Dean asked, hiccupping on his beer.

Castiel wrinkled his nose in distaste. He had had twice as many beers as Dean, and also something called vodka, but was barely affected. "Zachariah is not my friend by any means," he said, thinking of Domiel. "But yes, I suppose what he showed you _was_ real."

"Then that future… it'll actually happen?" asked Dean fearfully.

"It was a possible future," Castiel said. "I do believe that it was the most likely future, assuming both that you refused to say 'yes' to Michael, and that you and Sam had parted ways. Since you and Sam are traveling together again, I hope that future has been averted." He had to hope this, as he fancied the idea of living as a human only slightly less than the idea of dying as one.

"Me too, man," said Dean, looking into his beer as if it held all the answers.

 **October**

After Dean's vision and Sam's return, Castiel began to see the brothers and Ember more frequently. While before he had limited his visits to once a week, he was now meeting with them once every couple of days out of necessity. There was a lot to be discussed – the location of the Colt and the Apocalypse both involved a lot of cooperative planning. Castiel was planning another foray into Hell to gather information about the Colt, and Dean's intel was vital to this trip.

Castiel learned quickly that Dean did not discuss Hell in front of his brother or Ember. When he first brought up the subject, Dean shot him the angriest look he had received since well before Lucifer had risen. "Dude. I'm not gonna talk about that. It's over and done with."

"I know you don't want to discuss it Dean, but-…"

"Dude, don't you get it? Not happening!" Dean shouted, glancing at Sam and then at the closed bathroom door.

"He means he doesn't want to discuss it in front of us," Ember snapped at the angel, appearing suddenly from the bathroom. "He doesn't like talking about it, and he sure as hell won't do it for an audience." A look of hurt flashed on her face as she met Dean's eyes, though she turned her head away. "Sam, I'm packed up already. Wanna head out to the car?"

Sam silently picked up his duffel bag and followed Ember out, flashing Dean and Castiel a sympathetic look on his way out to the parking lot.

"Great," Dean snapped at Castiel. "Now she's pissed at me."

"Why?" Castiel asked.

"Look, I'll talk about Hell if you need to know where the door is and who the demons are. But I'm not gonna sit down with my girlfriend and talk about -… talk about…" But here he turned away from Castiel angrily.

Castiel understood. The righteous man continued to be embarrassed and guilty about what had happened in Hell, even after over a year. Humans were so complicated… but then, he had felt guilt now, too.

"I am sorry," he said stoically. "I did not mean to cause difficulties."

"I know," Dean said, though Castiel recognized from his tone of voice that the other man was still angry.

"Shall I return another day?" he asked.

"Yeah, you do that," Dean grumbled, still not looking at him.

So Castiel disappeared.

Aside from that interaction, however, Castiel's time with the Winchesters was positive. They sat through several more movies, discussing bits and pieces of the Apocalypse and plans for the Colt at commercial breaks. Twice, Dean called Castiel from an empty motel room while Sam and Ember were otherwise engaged, and Castiel was able to ascertain the information he needed for his foray into Hell. Dean spoke dispassionately about the experience, as though not allowing himself to connect his feelings and emotions. Still, his intel was vital; the mission was ultimately a failure, but Castiel was unhurt and able to kill several medium-level demons and one higher-level demon.

The group celebrated Castiel's success with a small party; it occurred the same day that Ember, Dean, and Sam killed a pagan god who had taken the form of a celebrity called Paris Hilton, and everyone seemed in the mood to celebrate. The make-shift party was complete with a large cherry pie and an ice cream cake that Ember had bought from a local Dairy Queen, as well as several episodes of a show called "The Simple Life" (featuring Paris Hilton) that Ember found online. The ice cream cake was sweet, and Castiel found that he liked it better than most food. He was less impressed with "The Simple Life", and wondered aloud if Paris Hilton was a demon. For some reason, this made everyone laugh, and Ember held up her hand.

Castiel looked at it in question.

"It's a high-five," Ember said, still laughing. "Because what you said was funny, even if you didn't mean it to be."

"I don't think she's really a demon," Sam said. "She's just a bitch. But… I don't know, she _might_ be a demon. I mean, it would explain a lot…"

"Thus the high-five," Ember said, as Castiel's mouth turned upward as he comprehended the joke. Castiel touched his hand to hers, trying to ignore the feeling he got when he was this close to her.

 **October 15**

Castiel rarely missed calls, but when Dean called he was flying as fast as he could away from three angels, each only slightly less powerful than himself. It was another three hours before he managed to shake them long enough to address the red light on the primitive electronic device he had managed to buy a few weeks before.

"Cas, hey," said Dean's voice. "We might need you. There's a young boy here causing some trouble… a few people have died already. His mother was possessed, got pregnant, some kind of weird-ass immaculate conception. She put the boy up for adoption, and now he's making weird things happen. Alliance, Nebraska, in the Motel 6. Room 114."

Castiel flew immediately to the Motel 6 in Alliance, Nebraska, but the hotel room was vacant. He could see items that he recognized as belonging to the Winchesters, however – a duffel bag that he knew to be Sam's, and Ember's computer. He would wait for their return, then. In the mean time, he reached out with his powers, scanning the surrounding town.

Castiel was a fairly powerful angel, probably one of the most powerful currently walking the Earth, though not by any means one of Heaven's finest. His vast experience with the humans and other Earth beings allowed him to reach out with his mind and find other creatures, to be able to identify each individual being, better than most other angels. He could feel even from here, for example, the small pull of Ember's demonic power. It was stronger than his own power, he knew, and with its strength its pull on Castiel intensified. This pull was currently mostly concealed by the hex bags she carried and the Enochian markings on her ribs. Castiel could still sense it, however, because he knew exactly what he was looking for. He couldn't feel any other half-demons, however.

Castiel dug deeper, reaching into the depths of his power and doing a more thorough search for demonic energy of any sort. There were two or three demons hanging around, but they were low-level, and he couldn't pinpoint their exact locations – they must be miles away. And there was something else…

It was a feeling he had never felt before. It felt like warding… natural warding given off by a creature, covering up some sort of demonic energy. It was so subtle that Castiel never would have sensed it if he hadn't known exactly what he was looking for due to his time around Ember. Now that he did sense it, however, he focused upon it, and was shocked that he hadn't found it before.

This half-demon was different from Ember, Castiel could tell. It _was_ a half-demon, Castiel could sense that much; at the base, it was the same powerful demonic energy that Castiel associated with a half-demon being. Ember's power acted like a beacon to other angels and demons, though currently it was shielded by the hex bags and the Enochian warding. This being's power was the inverse of hers, Castiel could tell – it was a natural shield. Even if Castiel had wanted to, he wouldn't be able to pinpoint this being's exact location.

Suddenly, Sam, Dean, and Ember entered the motel room. "I take it you got our message," said Sam, sitting down at the small table.

"It's lucky you found the boy," Castiel said.

"Oh, yeah, real lucky," said Dean sarcastically. "What do we do with him?"

"Kill him," said Castiel immediately. He knew none of the three of them were going to want to go along with his plan, but there was no other alternative.

"Cas," Dean started, and Sam, Dean, and Ember all looked at each other dubiously.

"This child is half demon and half human," Cas said, "But it's far more powerful than either."

"Cas." Ember said. "Hel _lo."_

He really should have known this would be a difficult issue for Ember, in particular, he thought. "Ember, this is different," he said. "The angels were willing to withhold judgment on you because you were already fully grown, had never taken a human or angel life, and were already more allied with Heaven than Hell," Castiel said. "None of which apply to this boy."

"That's not _fair,_ " Ember raged, "He's _nine_ , Cas."

"I'll agree it is unfortunate," Castiel said. "Perhaps if he had time for his powers to mature with puberty, like yours, instead of all at once-…"

"Is this about Lucifer rising?" Ember asked.

"When was the last time you tested the full extent of your powers?" asked Castiel.

"I don't make a habit of it," Ember grumbled.

"See if you can move me with your powers," Castiel said.

"What?" Ember asked. "But you're an angel!"

" _See_ if you can _move me,"_ Castiel repeated. "I'm braced." He could sense exactly how powerful she was, but he also suspected that she had no idea how powerful she had grown. This was no longer allowable, if they were to take an offensive stance against Lucifer. Still, it was a mark of the trust between them, and of their mutual trust for Dean, that Castiel took this step in proving his point to the half-demon woman.

Ember sighed. "Fine. Whatever." And she hit Castiel with the full blast of her powers.

In slow motion, Castiel was blasted off his feet, and hit the wall opposite, where he slid down to the floor, unhurt.

Sam and Dean stared at Ember in horror, and Ember was shocked. "I'm so sorry, Cas! I didn't mean to-…"

Castiel ignored her, his point made. "It is thought that these demon spawn will be one of the devil's greatest weapons in the war against Heaven," he said, standing up and brushing himself off.

Dean shook his head. "If Jesse's a demonic Howitzer then what the hell's he doing in Nebraska?" Dean asked.

"The demons lost him. They can't find him. But they're looking," Castiel answered. He knew from his forays into Hell recently that the demons were looking for a human who was also half-demon, but until tonight he had assumed that this referred to Ember. Perhaps not, however.

"And they lost him because?" Dean asked.

"Because of the child's power," Castiel answered, thinking of the natural warding the child was giving off. "It hides him from both angels and demons… for now."

"Oh _great!"_ Ember exploded. "Of course, _he_ gets powers that _hide_ him from demons… _I_ get powers that _attract_ demons like a damn _beacon!"_

Something clicked in Castiel's brain. This half-demon boys' powers hid him from angels and demons alike. Ember's powers attracted angels and demons alike. They not only attracted angels and demons in the way of leading them to Ember's location, but also on a more supernatural pheromone level, if there was such a thing.

Of course! Castiel had been so _stupid!_ He had made the classic angel mistake that lately he had thought he had finally risen above. He had thought himself so different from humans, and even from the demons which were humans twisted by Lucifer, that he had considered himself above the base attraction that drew salivating demons to this woman. Even when the signs had been all around him, he had still ignored the obvious. Other angels had not seemed to suffer similarly around Ember… but none of them would admit to being attracted to a half-demon, would they? He certainly hadn't. Besides, he had been the only angel to ever enter her mind; he was confident of that, and it made him feel possessive, in a very human way.

Relief flooded through him. He was not demonic after all, not suffering some ailment as a result of the Fall…

"It seems like you may have powers that are the reverse of his," Castiel said finally.

"Wait a second," Ember said. "Do my powers… do they attract _angels_ , too?"

"Yes," said Castiel. "And I must be honest with you, I'm extremely relieved. Now I understand these feelings I've always had for you. For a moment I was scared I was actually attracted to a _demon_!"

Castiel knew immediately that he had mis-stepped, but it was too late to retract his statement. Three things happened at once.

Sam exploded with laughter. Dean said, "Dude! Haven't you ever heard of _bro code?"_

Ember said, " _Fuck_ you, Castiel! Fuck you and all your stupid angel friends!" and slapped him across the face.

Castiel reeled back, alarmed. Humans were so damn _complicated_ sometimes! In a short sentence, he had somehow managed to anger both Ember and Dean, and he could sense that both were for different reasons. "I didn't mean it that way!" Castiel said immediately, as Ember and Dean both shot him hateful looks.

"Dude, you can't say that to her," Sam explained as Ember and Dean continued to glare. "You know she hates being compared to demons, or even associated with them. She's earned better than that."

"This is true," Castiel said, looking closely at Ember. "I apologize. I can see how you interpreted that differently than the way it was meant. I was alarmed at the way I have been feeling. I thought something was wrong with me. You have earned my respect for your loyalty to Heaven, and I will treat you accordingly in future." He left off the phrase, "despite the fact that you're a half-demon," because he thought it would only make her more upset.

Ember looked at him from under her lashes and smiled at him, her face red. Then she went about the business of pulling things out of a large backpack. Castiel had the feeling that she was embarrassed, but he didn't understand why. At least she was done being upset, however.

"Dude, you can't just tell a guy's girlfriend that you have feelings for her while the guy is standing right there," Dean said irritably.

"Yeah," said Sam, who was still laughing. "You gotta do like Dean used to do, and wait until they're away from their man, then steal them out from under him."

Dean attempted to elbow Sam in the side, but Sam danced away from his brother too quickly.

"I was simply expressing a fact," Castiel protested. "I am not interested in having relations with your girlfriend. Humans have too many rules, and at times like this it's difficult enough simply being your friend."

"Well… good," Dean said, shooting Castiel a put-upon look. The he did what Dean Winchester did best, and changed the subject.

"So, this kid, he's got, like, a force field around him?" Dean asked. "Well, that's great. Problem solved."

"With Lucifer risen, this child grows strong," Castiel reminded them. "Soon he will do more than just make a few toys come to life. Something that will draw the demons to him. The demons _will_ find this child. Lucifer will twist this boy to his purpose. And then with a word, this _child_ will destroy the host of Heaven."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait," said Dean. "You're saying that Jesse's gonna nuke the angels?"

"Why?" asked Ember, returning from whatever she had been doing with her backpack. " _I'd_ never nuke the angels."

"You understand what's at stake," Castiel said. "That has already been determined. The angels want you alive. They think that if you were going to be twisted to Lucifer's purpose, you would have done so a long time ago. Or, at least, they think that for the time being you are doing more good than harm. This boy is different. He's still in his formative years, and there have _already_ been deaths. We cannot allow this to happen. The boy _must_ die. I am sorry, Ember."

Castiel quickly reached inside of Dean's mind to pull out the boys' address. Then, before Ember could send a blast of power his way to pin him, Castiel disappeared.

 **Late October**

Castiel had unfortunately been unable to apprehend the half-demon boy. The boy in question – Jesse – had (according to Dean) managed to turn him into a tiny plastic replica of himself. The boy had ultimately returned him to normal, however, before making his escape.

Perhaps Castiel had underestimated the goodness present in Jesse, similar to how he had underestimated Ember's strength. Either way, the half-demon boy was in the wind now. It would be almost impossible for Castiel to find him again due to his cloaking powers, and even if he did, he was now too powerful for Castiel to nullify the threat he created. For now, Castiel would have to hope that he could maintain his goodness and continue to do minimal damage in the upcoming Apocalypse.

He noticed that Ember acted slightly differently around him after the incident with Jesse. She maintained a farther distance from him, and didn't touch him as she often had before their adventure with Jesse. He theorized that either he had made her uncomfortable by telling her that he was attracted to her.

Castiel also learned that since their time with Jesse, Ember had begun to question her own paternity. "I always thought Bobby was my father," she said one day after yet another discussion about the Colt. "But Jesse's mother had an immaculate conception. Cas… is that how it works with half-demons? Does one parent always have to be a demon, and the other parent isn't a demon? I always thought my mother had been possessed so that I had demon characteristics, but that I also had… you know… _genes…_ from both Bobby and my Mom."

"What are you asking me?" Castiel asked her, searching her face closely.

"Um… who my… father… is?"

 _Humans._ He would never understand them. How should _he_ know? He couldn't glean that from her memories, nor could he read DNA like a book.

"That I don't know," he told her. "You really ought to ask another angel these questions."

"Cas, you're the only angel I don't want to stab through the head with an angel blade," Ember said.

"Well, that's just highly unnecessary," he responded. He thought a second, then asked, "Don't humans have some way of telling who the father is?"

"Yeah, a paternity test," said Sam. "But Bobby would have to be involved in it, and he hasn't been the same since he lost his legs." The last few times they'd spoken with Bobby, he had been increasingly surly and grumpy.

"In that case, I'm not sure if I really even want the answer," Ember asked. "I mean, does it really matter?"

Sam and Dean stared at her. "I mean, Bobby's been my father for… well, for years. My Mom got back in touch with him after she found out I was half demon. No amount of demon or non-demon is going to make him any less my father. And maybe… maybe we just shouldn't tell him there might be a possibility that he's not _actually_ my father."

"That may be wise," Castiel agreed. He looked at her closely, a thought occurring to him suddenly. "What will you tell _your_ children about their heritage?" he asked her. Ember's children could be dangerous, Castiel mused, though not nearly as dangerous as Ember herself, as they would only be one quarter demon. Still, it occurred to Castiel that if Ember did live through the Apocalypse – and if she did end up having children with the righteous man – it would be at least partially Castiel's responsibility to see that they posed no threat, in one way or another. He was, after all, as Ember had readily admitted, "the only angel I don't want to stab through the head with an angel blade."

At his question, Sam had visibly winced, and began studying his cell phone as though it was the most entertaining thing in the world. Dean had followed his lead, but was shooting Castiel warning looks every so often. Ember surprised Castiel, however. "I'm not stupid enough to have children," she said, turning away from him again. "Don't get me wrong, I'd love to, but I'm not going to bring another part-demon child into the world. I'm adopting."

"I think that's wise," Castiel said, sagging with relief.

"Yeah, I'll bet," she said, getting up from the table they were sitting at.

"I do," he said, catching her arm. He didn't know what made him initiate this touch, but he was almost immediately sorry that he had; he felt heady at her nearness, and he could feel Dean's eyes on the point at which their hands touched. "I respect your decision. It belies your strength of character and your ability to overcome your demon side."

She had started, but now she stared at him, her brown eyes searching his blue ones. "Thanks," she whispered, and he disappeared before he could drown in her tender expression.


	10. S5 Part 4, A Fool's Hope

**Author's Note: I don't own Supernatural. Please review!**

 **November 2**

" _Castiel, please come quickly! Corner of 5th and Jefferson. Wellington, Ohio._ "

Castiel didn't need to be told twice. Ember had only ever prayed to him the one time before, when she had wanted to die.

Castiel arrived in a dusty warehouse. "Sam and Dean have disappeared," she said immediately. She was sobbing, teartracks running down her face, and Castiel thought she looked beautiful.

"What do you mean?" he asked, alarmed.

"We were tracking the Trickster," Ember said, hiccupping. "They've run into him before-…"

"Show me," said Castiel, holding out his hand. Human minds he could read from across the room if he desired, but half-demon minds were more complicated and naturally resistant.

Ember grabbed his hand, and Castiel was once more assaulted by the feel of her mind. He had been prepared for it, and so he pushed the feelings aside, taking only a small moment to appreciate it fully. Then he began to sift through images.

Sam, Dean, and Ember had been going after the Trickster, Castiel saw. "Just desserts, sweet tooth, screwing with people before you kill 'em—we're dealing with the Trickster, aren't we?" Dean had said. They had entered an abandoned warehouse… and disappeared.

Castiel did not wait – he simply disappeared after them. He heard her prayer. " _Damn it, Cas! Don't tell me what's going on or anything… just bring them back, okay?"_

The following morning, there was another prayer. _"Cas, I haven't heard anything… I know you're probably busy, but let me know what's going on if you get a chance, please. I'm worried sick."_

That night, there was another prayer. " _Cas, please! Just let me know what's going on! I can help!"_

"No, you can't," Castiel said, appearing once more in the motel room. He had taken a chance, and correctly guessed that she was still in town.

"Cas!" she said, jumping up immediately.

"I haven't found them," he said honestly. "And I don't understand it. Pagan gods leave a trail, but there is no trail here. This is no ordinary pagan god."

"I can help, I can-…"

"No," Castiel said again. The Trickster – or whoever he is – would have created a… a tiny universe of his own creation and put them inside it. You will not be able to assist with locating the universe, and attempting to pass in or out of it without the permission of the pagan god in question will most likely kill you. I'm sorry, but there's nothing you can do."

Ember looked upset. "Oh," she said.

"I'm sorry," he said honestly. He found himself genuinely wishing she could come along.

"Just don't be a stranger, okay?" she said.

"I hope by now I am not a stranger," he said.

"I mean check in with me when you can."

"I will," he said.

 **November 9**

It was nearly a week later before Castiel finally managed to pick up the Trickster's trail. When he did, he was booted out of the bubble universe before he had a chance to remove Dean and Sam.

"It doesn't make sense," he said, pacing Bobby's house. Ember had retreated there until the brother's return, and was clearly very upset. "No trickster has the kind of power he displayed. This one is far too strong. He never should have been able to trap me, and if he did, it should've been far easier to get out."

"Trap you?" Ember asked, her eyes following the angel.

"In a separate bubble universe," Castiel said. "But I broke out." He sighed. "It matters not. If I leave for too much longer, I'll lose his trail. I only wanted you to know that the Winchester brothers are still in one piece and that I am still searching."

Then he disappeared.

 **November 10**

Castiel had finally caught up to the bubble universe once more. It had been hell getting in. He'd had to use force to break through, and he was pretty sure that one of his wings was bent. The impenetrable force of the bubble universe had been so thick that Castiel's power supply was more than halfway depleted, and he had serious concerns about his ability to get back in one piece. He knew he looked a wreck, and he could feel his vessel bleeding with superficial cuts and bruises that he hadn't bothered to waste the power to heal.

It shouldn't have been this difficult to get in – but then, no pagan god should have been able to create a bubble universe this large in the first place.

Upon entering the trickster's universe, Castiel was met with the oddest scene in living memory. It looked like a sitcom he had watched on television once in the motel room with Dean and Ember, except that this one starred Sam and Dean.

But he could already feel the walls closing around him.

"You okay?" Dean said.

"I don't have much time."

"What happened?" Sam asked.

"I got out."

"From where?" Dean asked.

"Listen to me," Castiel said. "Something is not right. This thing is much more powerful than it should be."

"What thing—the Trickster?" asked Dean.

"If it is a trickster."

"What do you mean?"

Suddenly, Castiel was flung backward toward the wall. He tried to speak, but he could feel something blocking his mouth. An applause was echoing from the surrounding walls.

"Hello!" exclaimed the Trickster. "Thank you. Thank you, ladies."

 _Gabriel,_ was Castiel's thought. _My brother._ And then everything went dark.

 **November 14**

When Castiel came to, he was standing in the warehouse again. Dean and Sam were there, and so was Gabriel. The brothers had figured it out, then. Exceptional humans, they really were.

"Cas, you okay?" asked Dean.

"I'm fine," he said. "Hello, Gabriel."

"Hey, bro. How's the search for Daddy going? Let me guess. Awful."

Castiel continued to glare at him.

"Okay, we're out of here," said Dean. "Come on, Sam."

"Uh. Okay. Guys?" asked Gabriel, but the brothers were already walking away.

"So, so what? Huh?" asked Gabriel. "You're just gonna leave me here forever?"

"No," Dean said, turning back around. "We're not, 'cause we don't screw with people the way you do. And for the record? This isn't about some prize fight between your brothers or some destiny that can't be stopped. This is about you being too afraid to stand up to your family."

Dean pulled the fire alarm, and the sprinklers started. "Don't say I never did anything for you!" he yelled back at Gabriel. And the two brothers walked away.

Gabriel continued to glare at the Castiel. " _What about you, brother? Would you turn your back on me now?"_

 _"Where have you been, when you were needed upstairs?"_ Castiel snapped back at him. _"What help can you give us?"_

 _"I would never help you. It's a fools hope, Castiel."_

 _"Then I am a fool,"_ Castiel said, and followed the brothers out the door.

 **November 21**

Castiel located the Colt shortly after the Winchesters returned from Gabriel's bubble universe. The group, plus their friends Jo and Ellen, managed to acquire it soon after. It had been in the possession of a sly demon named Crowley who, mysteriously, seemed to be on their side.

The Winchesters, Ember, and Bobby teamed up with two other hunters, Ellen and Jo, and made plans to face Lucifer in Carthage, Missouri.

Perhaps Gabriel was right – it _was_ a fool's hope. The mission went downhill almost immediately. It wasn't long before Castiel was captured by Lucifer himself.

Castiel did remember the days of Lucifer, though they had been thousands of years ago. He was beautiful, but corrupted, and Castiel's awe of him was outshined only by his hatred of the archangel.

"Castiel. I don't understand why you're fighting me, of all the angels," said Lucifer.

"You really have to ask?"

"I rebelled, I was cast out. You rebelled, you were cast out. Almost all of heaven wants to see me dead, and if they succeed, guess what? You're their new public enemy number one. We're on the same side, like it or not, so why not just serve your own best interests? Which in this case just happen to be mine?"

"I'll die first," Castiel said honestly.

He almost did, too. He survived only narrowly, and helped the five of them – Sam, Dean, Ember, Jo, and Ellen – escape equally narrowly. In the end, however, the mission had been a complete failure, and the Colt could not kill Lucifer.

 **Winter**

Time passed slowly. Castiel continued the same pattern. He searched for God, though he had little hope of ever finding his Father. He found demons to gain information, and he spent time with the Winchesters.

Now that he understood why he felt an attraction to Ember, he stopped fighting his feelings and allowed himself to genuinely enjoy her company. He found himself addicted to her smell, of citrus and demon and otherworldly goodness, and the pleasant feeling he got whenever he was around her. It was the times with the Winchesters, especially Ember, that he cherished most.

Castiel was still conflicted, more than ever. Had he done the right thing? He thought through every move he had made over the past year in his head, repeatedly. In the end, however, the only actions he regretted were the ones he had made immediately after his torture in Heaven, when he had still been attempting to serve Zachariah.

More than any other, he regretted turning in Anna. He wondered often if he would ever see her again. He didn't wonder if she was miserable, or if she was being tortured; he knew that she was. He wondered if she was dead. (He hoped she was.)

Most of all, Castiel wondered when Heaven would use her against them. Castiel had a mind for strategy, and in his darkest moments he had to admit that it was what _he_ would've done. Dean had been intimate with Anna, Castiel knew. The fact that Castiel had been the only angel that the Winchesters wouldn't attempt to kill on sight had kept him alive when he otherwise would have been killed, so it stood to reason that they would attempt the same with Anna. He wondered if the fact that Heaven had not yet attempted to play this trump card meant that Anna was continuing to refuse, or that Heaven had killed her after all.

Just when he had given up on ever seeing his old boss again, he received a prayer from Ember in early February.

 _"Cas… I don't know if I should tell you… Anna wants to meet with us. I don't trust her. I never did… we're at 667 Westchester in San Diego."_

Castiel appeared in the Winchester's motel room a second later. "I will meet with Anna," he said immediately.

"Why?" Dean asked.

"Do you remember how I was, when I came back from torture in Heaven?" Castiel asked.

"She said you were the one who turned her in!" Dean exclaimed, looking at Castiel accusatorily.

"And now I must go make amends," Castiel said, holding Dean's eye.

He broke eye contact and surveyed the group of them at large. "No one escapes Heaven without a reason. And whatever it is, it isn't in our best interest." He looked at Ember, raising his eyebrows in question. "Do not follow until I come back," he said. Ember nodded; she would make sure that they didn't.

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

When Castiel appeared in the warehouse, he knew immediately that he had been right not to trust Anna. Her vessel looked perfect, but he could see beyond it. She was damaged – far more than he had been after his sojourn to Heaven. Guilt overwhelmed him immediately.

She greeted him with a glare. "If I didn't know any better… I'd say the Winchesters don't trust me."

"They do. I don't," he said, looking away. "I wouldn't let them come."

"And why is that?"

"If you're out of prison, it's because they let you out, and sent you here to do their dirty work."

"And what makes you so sure?" she asked.

"Because I've experienced...Heaven's persuasion."

"You mean when you gave me to them!" she exclaimed accusatorily.

"That was a mistake," he said solemnly.

"Anna, whatever they sent you here to do—…"

"They didn't send me. I escaped," she said.

"No one escapes!" he snapped.

"All these centuries, and you're underestimating me now?"

Perhaps she _had_ escaped from Heaven… but that didn't explain the knife she carried. "Maybe you're not working for Heaven. But there's something you're not telling me," he accused.

Anna visibly steeled herself. "Sam Winchester has to die."

He could see her point, when she explained herself. It was clearly strategic. Sam was Lucifer's vessel. Without his true vessel, there would be no fight with Michael, no Apocalypse.

 _Or,_ Lucifer would use a different, less permanent vessel, and Dean would be so distraught about Sam's death that he would be stupid enough to accept the invitation to be Michael's vessel. Honestly, Castiel thought this possibility just as likely. The angels almost had their Apocalypse; they wouldn't give up now for something as simple as Sam's death. And then he would have rebelled for nothing. Then Anna would've taught, would've encouraged him to rebel for nothing.

It didn't matter, in the end. Even if Anna wasn't taking orders from Heaven, she had broken. She may not be taking their orders any longer, but she had become just as erratic, just as much of a zealot as Uriel.

"You've changed," Anna said.

"Maybe too late, but I have," he agreed. He turned toward Anna, reaching his full height. "Anna, we've been through much together, but you come near Sam Winchester and I'll kill you."

But he saw the look on her face, and he knew that she would never stop. The Anna he had once known, who had led the angels for a thousand years, was truly gone.

Castiel learned later that she had been killed by Michael when she attempted to go back in time and kill John and Mary Winchester. He was comforted only by the fact that he was almost certain that the Anna he used to know – the Anna he had betrayed to Heaven – would've wanted this death. She never would've wanted to see herself twisted this way, a shadow of her former glory, bent and mangled by Heaven's persuasion into a weapon that even they couldn't control. The angel he used to know would've welcomed this death over the alternatives – like Domiel had, and like he himself had, before he was brought back.

And now his last possible angelic ally was gone, and he was alone.


	11. S5 Part 5, A New Hunger

**Author's Note: Supernatural Season 13 is on Netflix! So, I doubt anyone will be reading my fanfiction... but I'm going to update anyways. Please review! Thanks Sherrbabe, and everyone who followed my story. Critiques are welcome. I 3 reviews (almost as much as I 3 Cas)!**

 **February 14**

Something was wrong. Something was horribly wrong.

Castiel had known it as soon as he had met up with Sam, Dean, and Ember in a morgue on their latest case. He knew it because as soon as he saw Ember, he immediately imagined bending her over the medical table and having his way with her.

 _She had never looked so appealing. She wore a black dress and high heels, and he'd never seen her in either one before. He could lift up the dress, and –_

What the _hell_ was wrong with him? He had never imagined Ember in this way before, aside from the one time when Dean had asked if he had "done a little cloud seeding", more than six months previously.

Ember herself seemed no different. She was dressed differently, this was true, but it _was_ Valentine's Day. Perhaps she had had other engagements earlier, but currently she was wearing a blue apron over the black dress, and gloves on her long-fingered hands which were spotted with human blood. She stood staring intently at a human heart… _What were Sam and Dean asking about?_

In the end, Castiel and the brothers determined that a cupid had gone rogue in the town. He was leaving marks on the hearts of various couples in the town, and the couples were killing each other.

But something was still wrong. Nothing about a rogue cupid explained the way Ember was making him feel currently. Every time he looked at her, he felt as though he couldn't stop staring. Each time he thought about her, he thought about touching her – running his hand down her arm, delving into her mind, kissing her pouty lips, even running his hands up her legs. The anatomy of his vessel began to respond, and that had never, _never_ happened before.

Castiel might previously have thought that something was wrong with his vessel, or even that something was wrong with himself. These thoughts and feelings occurred so suddenly and with such strength, however, that he was forced to conclude fairly quickly that the root cause was supernatural. And, if he was honest with himself, it was a far stronger force than a cupid could provide.

In his desperation to distract himself from Ember, Castiel found that his vessel in particular had another vice – cheeseburgers. He first noticed it when he, Sam, and Dean were staking out the rogue cupid in a night club. Dean didn't finish his burger, and Castiel found that he was suddenly hungry for it.

To Castiel, it tasted like cardboard, just as all human food. Jimmy's appreciation for it was so strong, however, that Castiel could finally begin to understand what humans saw in certain foods.

The cupid was not responsible for the odd deaths, as it turned out. Once this had been determined, Castiel left Ember's side abruptly, before he did something he would regret.

He materialized in Antarctica. When this didn't help, he rematerialized in the middle of the Sahara Desert. But it didn't matter – wherever he went, the thoughts of Ember continued, skirting infrequently across his mind when he wasn't paying attention. _He would pull off her apron first, and then –_

Castiel said a prayer to avoid temptation, then flew to the nearest burger establishment in the town where Sam and Dean were still debating the case of the couples that had murdered each other. One sort of hunger satisfied for the moment, he set about conquering the larger issue.

 **February 15**

Famine. It was Famine, the Horseman.

It hadn't been hard to find the source of the hunger, to be honest. All he'd had to do was find a demon who would give up information under threat of smiting, and there were quite a few of them around town.

Honestly, if it hadn't been for the effects of Famine, the job would've taken him maybe twenty minutes. As it was, it took him more than 12 hours. He couldn't stop thinking about Ember's eyes, _looking into his as her tongue traveled down his -…_

There were a lot of cheeseburgers involved.

Finally, when he figured out what was going on, he summoned his courage and flew the place he wanted to go most – to Ember's side.

She looked beautiful, now wearing a pair of jeans and a pink tank top. _He would pull the strap down first, and kiss just under it. Then he would kiss up her neck, and she would smell like she always did, like oranges and demon and-_

 _NO!_ He was an Angel of the Lord, damn it.

Ember was watching Dean and Sam, who were investigating the contents of a briefcase.

"It's a human soul," said Castiel, and all three of them spun around, realizing his presence for the first time. "It's starting to make sense," Castiel continued, taking a large bite of his latest cheeseburger.

"Now what about that makes sense?" Sam said.

"And when did you start eating?" asked Dean.

Ember said nothing, but she looked at him with more anger on her face than he had ever seen. When she caught his eye, her face turned ugly, and an angry frown flew across her features. _What had he done? He could kiss the frown and make it go away… he could-…_

"Exactly," said Castiel, attempting to reorient himself to surroundings. "My hunger – it's a clue, actually."

"For what?" the brothers asked at once.

"This town isn't suffering from some love-gone-wrong effect," Castiel said, determinedly looking away from Ember. "It's suffering from hunger. Starvation, to be exact. Specifically, Famine."

Ember let out a long breath, and Sam said, "Famine? As in… the Horseman?"

"Great," said Dean. "That's freaking great."

"I thought famine meant starvation. Like, as in, you know, food," Sam said.

"Yes," said Castiel, "Absolutely. But not just food. I mean, everyone seems to be starving for something – sex, attention, drugs, love." He continued to avoid Ember's gaze, but he could feel her staring at him. The stare was almost painful. She was obviously mad at him… for _some_ thing. _She would be very mad at him, if he touched her, perhaps. She would be even more mad if he kissed her-…_

"Well, that explains the puppy lovers that cupid shot up," Dean said.

"Right," said Castiel. "The cherub made them crave love, and then Famine came, and made them _rabid_ for it."

"Okay, but what about you?" Dean asked. "I mean, since when do angels secretly hunger for White Castle?"

"It's my vessel – Jimmy," Castiel said. "His, uh, appetite for red meat has been touched by Famine's effect."

"So Famine just rolls into town, and everybody goes crazy?" Dean asked.

"And then will come Famine riding on a black steed," Castiel quoted. "He will ride into the land of plenty, and great will be the Horseman's hunger, because he _is_ hunger."

While he spoke, he caught Ember's eye for the last time. She gave him a hateful glare as she quietly left out the door while the brothers weren't looking.

Should he let her go? _Yes._ He had to, for her own safety.

Why was she leaving? What did she hunger for? It certainly wasn't him, and it obviously wasn't Dean, either. She was half-demon, he knew. Killing… she must hunger for killing. This was it, then. She was leaving to protect the brothers, and he needed to let her leave to protect her from himself.

"So what, this whole town is just going to eat, drink, and screw itself to death?" Sam asked from inside the bathroom.

"We should stop it," said Castiel, who was working on another burger.

"Ember?" Dean asked suddenly, looking around and realizing she was gone.

"Ember!" he said again, leaping up and grabbing the keys to the Impala, which she hadn't taken.

"Let her go, Dean," Castiel said, and Dean stopped. Now that she had left the room, he found that his mind was the slightest bit clearer.

"What the hell, Cas?" Dean said to his friend.

"Dean," said Sam, who was sitting down on the bed, looking tired and sweating more than usual. "I love Ember, I do, but… she's half-demon. What do you think _she_ hungers for?"

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

After Ember left, Castiel was ashamed to admit that he didn't remember much. He remembered going with Dean to confront Famine. He remembered meat… raw meat, and lots of it, and he couldn't stop. He remembered sensing, suddenly, that Ember was near, just out of reach… and then he was banished, and he abruptly found himself on the shores of the Nile River.

"Aaaaarrrrrrggggg!" he yelled with frustration, because both the raw meat and Ember had been suddenly ripped away from him.

Then, mercifully, just as he flew back to Famine, it was over. The hunger, previously so loud he could hear nothing else, was gone.

The scene he arrived upon when he returned was an alarming one. Dean stood in shock, covered in small cuts and bruises. Sam stood across from him, demon blood covering his mouth. He had lost his fight with it, then. The man who had previously been Famine lay dead and immobile in his wheelchair. And Ember was crying into Dean's lapels.

He sifted quickly through his feelings for her – tenderness, the feeling he had for her because she was his friend and she was crying. Attraction – his normal attraction to her, because she was half-demon and that was her power. Protectiveness, because he was an Angel of the Lord, and she was one of his father's creatues, half-demon or otherwise. Back to normal, then.

Maybe. "Demons," she was saying, her voice muffled because she was crying into Dean's shirt. She hiccupped to catch her breath. "And angels, apparently. I left so… so I wouldn't kill Cas. Demons… when I was younger, I was so angry, and so now… I couldn't control it. I killed them all…"

Wait. Castiel had been sure that Sam had been right. Ember was a half-demon. It would only be natural that her hunger would be to finally give in to the temptation that she had kept at bay for so many years and be… evil. Instead, her hunger had been… vengeance?

He knew the things that had happened to her as a teenager, before she knew how to exorcise demons, and before her powers of invisibility had been as strong as they were when she had reached the end of puberty. He knew, even better than Dean did, because he had been in her head. Still, he never would have guessed that her greatest hunger would be her hatred of the creatures that had traumatized her. Her demon powers, when forced out of control and exacerbated by Famine, had been used _to kill demons._

"I'm so sorry, Cas," she said, seeing him at last. "That's why I left. I couldn't be around you. It's not you, it's angels in general. And I don't feel it now, and I don't want to kill you, I promise, but…"

"There's no need," said Cas, nodding stiffly at Ember. "Famine brought out the hunger in all of us." He wanted to leave. He suddenly felt horribly uncomfortable. The memories of the things he had imagined over the past 24 hours swam in his head, mixed along with the things he had seen in Ember's head from her own childhood, and suddenly he couldn't bear to stand next to her anymore.

Perhaps demons and angels were not so different after all, he thought.

He wanted to leave. "I'll take Sam back to Bobby's panic room to detox. I wasn't very helpful. It's the least I can do." Castiel knew that Sam and Ember had worked together to get rid of Famine, and all he had done was shovel raw meat down his throat and think about Ember in a variety of provocative poses. He was worthless. But Sam would need to be detoxed from the demon blood in Bobby's panic room, and it would give Castiel a chance to get a handle on his emotions.

Dean nodded at Sam, who looked resigned but determined. He then nodded at Castiel, who left with Sam without a word.

After Sam had been dropped off at Bobby's, however, Castiel returned to the town now ransacked by Famine. He didn't seek out Dean and Ember, but instead looked for the carnage that he knew Ember must have left behind.

It wasn't hard to find. Ember must have stood in a large field, away from humans, and released every bit of power she possessed in one gigantic wave. She must have erased the Enochian sigils on her ribs (he would have to re-do those), and shed the hex bags she still carried from Ruby. Then she had released a gigantic wave of power that he had felt from all the way across town. It was the only explanation for the carnage.

The demons had come running when she called. They must've come for miles. Strewn across the field were bodies – 13 total, he counted, though a couple of them were in pieces. And everywhere – absolutely _everywhere_ – there was sulfur. There was sulfur on the trees, sulfur on the ground, sulfur covering all of the leaves. How many demons were smited to create this amount of sulfer? Tens? Hundreds? Thirteen of them had come in their meat suits, but how many came without meat suits? Castiel wasn't sure.

Making up his mind, Castiel flew to Dean's side and woke him as gently as possible. Ember was beside him. Castiel pointed at her and put his fingers to his lips, and gestured for Dean to follow him. When Dean stood up and came close to Castiel, the angel flew with Dean to the clearing in the forest.

"I wanted you to see it," Castiel said, "before I cleared it up. Your girlfriend has secured her place in Heaven. So long as she does not stray from the path she is on, the angels will honor her among us. But… that does not mean she has not also gone farther on the path of darkness."

"What does that mean?" Dean asked.

"Killing demons, in any capacity, is considered an act of Heaven," Castiel said. "But an infection by Famine, particularly one that causes a killing spree – not to mention the killing of human hosts - will tempt her dark side."

"Will she be okay?" Dean asked Castiel, concerned.

"There is no evidence to the contrary at the moment," Castiel said. "The angels are impressed with her, at least."

Dean rolled his eyes. "I'm pretty sure that's not a good thing."

"No," said Castiel. "I'm pretty sure that Lucifer and the demons will decide, in the wake of this tragedy, that they won't be able to use her in the way that they thought that they would," he said. "Before they wanted her left alive, to use if they could convert her. Now it seems she falls in league with you, that they want her dead as soon as possible."

"Always what I love to hear," Dean said sarcastically. He looked caught off guard, taken aback, and it was not a good look for the confident hunter. "Why… why didn't you bring her?" he asked Castiel at last.

"She doesn't like the dead bodies," Castiel reminded Dean. "She scares me when she cries."

There was a long pause. Finally, Dean asked, "How many demons did she kill last night?"

Castiel shook his head. "Somewhere upwards of 100, I'd say," he said, and Dean's eyebrows shot up in surprise. "Last night her power must've reached…." Castiel blew out a breath. "Every demon in the Midwest, perhaps."

" _Every demon in the Midwest?"_ Dean said, shocked.

Castiel shrugged. "Only the low-level ones that could be easily attracted. That's why she didn't kill any angels. We don't come simply because a half-demon calls."

"Don't call her that!" Dean told Castiel sharply.

"I apologize," said Castiel matter-of-factly. "I did not mean it as an insult. Like I said, she has earned her place with us in Heaven."

"I'll let her know that," Dean said sarcastically. "You're right, she'll be really upset about the 13 humans she killed, and how close she got to going 'dark side.'"

Castiel nodded. The matter concluded, he flew Dean back to the motel room and disappeared.

 **April 6**

 **MORE THAN ONE MONTH LATER**

Castiel had returned the following morning to rebrand Ember's ribs with Enochian. After that, however, Castiel avoided Ember as much as possible over the next month. He no longer feared the cause of his attraction to the half-demon, but the depth of his feelings scared him.

Finally, however, he no longer had a choice.

" _Cas, help! $29 Inn, Manchester, New Hampshire!"_

Castiel arrived immediately. Before he had time to orient himself to his surroundings, Ember had thrown herself into his arms and was sobbing into his trenchcoat. Had he been human, the force alone would have caused him to stagger backward. As it was, he was slightly winded, but mostly confused. Her heady smell overwhelmed him, and he had one brief flash in which he imagined that she might stay there forever. With a start, he realized that his arms were around her.

He didn't let go, but drowned in the smell of citrus that was most potent on her neck. Instead, she disentangled herself, and the suddenness of her warmth left him feeling barren.

Then he saw Sam and Dean on the bed… dead.

"How did this happen?" he asked immediately.

"I don't know!" Ember said, sobbing.

Castiel thought quickly. "Give me your phone."

"My – what?" Ember asked, surprised through her tears.

"Your phone."

Ember produced her phone, and Castiel put his hands around it, feeding all of his power into it.

"What are you doing?" Ember asked.

"Calling Heaven," Castiel said. Then he added, "At least, I hope."

Suddenly, static started to come out of the phone. "Dean!" they both yelled.

"Cas? Ember?"

"Yeah, it's me," Castiel said.

"Why are you on my car radio? This dream is getting weird."

"Listen to me very closely," said Castiel. "This isn't a dream."

"Then what is it?"

Ember opened her mouth, but Castiel shushed her. They didn't have much time. Eventually, despite the shoddy connection, he managed to communicate the information he needed. "You can't say yes to Michael and Lucifer if you're dead, so Zachariah needs to return you to your bodies."

"Great!" said Sam. "Problem solved."

"You don't understand," Castiel said. "You're behind the Wall. This is a rare opportunity."

"For what?" asked Dean and Ember.

"You need to find an angel. His name is Joshua."

"Hey, man, no offense but we are kind of ass full of angels, okay?" Dean said. "You find him."

"I can't," Castiel said. "I can't return to Heaven."

"So what's so important about Joshua?" asked Sam.

"The rumor is, he talks to God," said Castiel.

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

The wait for Dean and Sam to return was stifling. It was only about four hours, but it felt much longer. Ember turned on the television and flipped through the channels, but neither of them were really watching. She offered him something to drink or eat on 8 different occasions.

It was somewhat awkward, Castiel thought. Typically the two of them got along well, but it was a rare occasion when they were together without Sam or Dean. It was made more awkward by the fact that both of them were waiting with baited breath on the return of the brothers. Ember's eyes flitted frequently to Dean and Sam, who were still lying dead on the beds behind them.

Finally, both brothers awoke suddenly, gasping for breath. Ember hurled herself into Dean's arms, and Castiel felt an unexpected pang of jealousy, remembering his hug with her earlier.

Finally, when Dean disentangled himself from Ember, he said, "So God's a no-go."

"What do you mean?" Castiel asked. He felt the hope burning within him suddenly die, as though a candle had been blown out.

"Joshua says God's on Earth," said Sam. "But he doesn't know where, or what he's doing."

"Apparently God has a 'message' for us," said Dean, holding up quotes in the air with his fingers.

Castiel looked at Dean eagerly.

"Apparently God says to 'back off,'" said Dean, holding up the finger quotes again. "Your friend Josh said that God already knows everything we want him to know, and he knows about the Apocalypse… he just doesn't care."

"Can you show me?" Castiel asked, holding out his hand.

"Dude! No!" said Dean, backing up.

But Sam said, "I will," and stepped forward.

Sam's mind had none of the pleasant feeling that Ember's always contained. Castiel sifted quickly through the worries, the doubts, and the fears, bypassing them to give his friend privacy as much as possible, until he got to the related memory.

Dean had not been lying. "God saved you already," Joshua had said. "He put you on that plane. He brought back Castiel. He granted you salvation in Heaven… and after everything you've done, too." Here, Castiel felt Sam's mind flood with guilt.

"It's more than he's intervened in a long time," Joshua had continued. "He's finished. Magic amulet or not, you won't be able to find him."

"Maybe… maybe Joshua was lying," Castiel said a few minutes later, after he had had some time to think.

"I don't think he was, Cas," said Sam. "I'm sorry." He sighed, methodically packing his clothes into a suitcase.

"At least… at least you know he brought you back for a reason," Ember said, reaching out her arm to him. "You were right, all along, to rebel, and… and everything." She managed a half smile.

Even Ember's hand on his didn't cheer Castiel, however. "You son of a bitch," he said, looking up into the air. "I believed in…"

He shook his head, removing Dean's amulet from his pocket. "I don't need this anymore," he said, tossing it back to Dean. "It's worthless."

And then he disappeared.


	12. S5 Part 6, Wrath

**Author's Note: Please review! I don't own Supernatural. Anyone who reviews gets their choice of Cas, Dean, or Sam in their dreams tonight. ;)**

 **April 10**

Castiel wondered around aimlessly for a little over a week. He spent time checking his safe houses. He spent time searching for God, though he knew it was worthless. He spent time smiting demons when he found them. He tortured a few of them more than he usually would, just to take out his anger at his Father.

A few times, he even considered killing himself just to get back at his Father for bothering to bring him back to life… but that wouldn't help them avert the Apocalypse. And what did Castiel believe in, if not that?

Nothing seemed to help Castiel feel better, however. Over the past year and a half, Castiel had experienced doubt, and pride, and guilt, and lust, and even envy… Now, he was experiencing the human feeling of depression, and that of extreme wrath. _"At least you know he brought you back for a reason,"_ Ember had said. " _You were right, all along, to rebel…"_

What did humans do, when they felt like this? _Get drunk._

So Castiel drank a liquor store.

It was an interesting feeling, truly. He felt his inhibitions slipping, and he felt lighter than usual, happy. He could do anything! He could go talk to Ember, just stand in her presence, just for fun…

But he had no control, and that might have catastrophic effects, and he wasn't _that_ drunk.

What else could he do, that he didn't usually do?

 _"You full-on rebelled against Heaven. Iniquity is one of the perks,"_ Dean had said ages ago.

He could go to a strip club!

He went to a strip club, but he was almost immediately unhappy. First of all, none of the strippers were Ember. Second, he was pretty sure that the liquor was beginning to wear off. Third, in its place the liquor left a horrible, hollow, depressive feeling.

Where a few minutes before he had felt happy, Castiel now felt more depressed than ever. He had a headache, and the lights and sounds around him seemed sharper than usual and far more annoying. What was this feeling? He was so _tired_ , another new emotion. It was like being ill, like when he had returned from traveling in time. Humans usually slept at this point, perhaps, but he was an angel, and would get no such relief.

Drinking was a bad idea for an angel.

Just when he had come to this conclusion, he remembered to check his voicemail. Sam had left a voicemail - they were in trouble.

It turned out to be the Whore of Babylon. "She rises, when Lucifer walks the Earth," Castiel explained, reading from a large and ancient tome. The words were swimming on the page, and he wanted to close his eyes. His voice sounded foreign to him, and his stomach hurt, as though his vessel had eaten too much.

"'And she shall come, bearing false prophecy,'" Castiel finished. "This creature has the power to take a human's form, read minds… the Book of Revelation calls her 'The Whore of Babylon.'"

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

Castiel sat outside the Winchester's motel room contemplating their next move. The town was going to Hell. The Whore had turned everyone against each other. He could barely think straight. And, God had given up.

As he watched, Dean came outside the motel to grab weapons out of the Impala trunk. After he grabbed the weapons he needed, he reached into the driver's side, pulled out a small bottle, and tossed it to Castiel.

It was Aspirin. "How many should I take?" he asked his human friend.

"You? You should probably just down the whole bottle," said Dean.

"Thanks."

"Yeah, don't mention it," Dean said. Then he added, "Yeah, I've been there. I'm a big expert on deadbeat dads. So…Yeah, I get it. I know how you feel."

Miserable. He felt miserable. "How do you manage it?" Castiel asked gruffly.

Dean appeared to contemplate his answer, then smiled his crooked smile. "On a good day, you get to kill a whore," he said.

And so they did.

 **April 15**

At some point, Dean got the notion that he needed to say "yes" to Michael. He had almost done it, too, but Ember had stopped him at the last possible second and used her powers to force him into Bobby's panic room.

Castiel hadn't thought it was possible to be more angry at someone than he was at God right now, but Dean had somehow managed it.

"Why would he do it?" Castiel asked Ember miserably one day as the two of them waited on Sam and Bobby to return from a grocery store run. It was the first time they'd been alone together since the brothers' temporary death two weeks before, and it was much less awkward without their dead bodies in the room.

Ember sighed, looking contemplative. "Well, originally, we avoided the Apocalypse because it would mean that Sam and Dean would become angel condoms," she said. "But then… then it became more about, you know, saving the world, trying to prevent the world-class extinction event that will occur if Michael and Lucifer have a death match."

"Exactly!" said Castiel. "But then-…"

"I know, Cas," Ember said patiently. "But… lately there's been more deaths than ever. And Dean… he's not the type to just sit back and watch. If he thinks he can help…" she shrugged. "He thinks that the casualties will be less if he accepts Michael and Sam _doesn't_ accept Lucifer, than if Lucifer fights the death match with his true vessel. And Michael promised Dean he would survive the process in tact… He promised him safety, for me, and for everyone he loves."

Ember sighed. "Lucifer can't promise the same for Sam, obviously. So Dean thinks he's sparing his brother, and sparing the human race."

"He's not sparing _anyone_ ," Castiel snapped. "If he thinks there are casualties now, he can't _imagine_ when Michael and Lucifer fight, even if Lucifer doesn't have his true vessel. And the winner… without our father to keep us in check, the winner will have free reign! That isn't what we've been fighting for, all this time. It isn't what I rebelled for."

"I know that, Cas," Ember said gently. "You can't possibly think I agree with him. I was the one who kept him from turning himself in, after all." She shook her head. "It's only… how long are we going to run from the angels? We're not immortal, you know. And Heaven isn't safe. And it doesn't matter, because even if we can outrun them for 40 years, or 50, that's 40 or 50 years that humanity has left. But…" she sighed. "To a human, it seems insurmountable. He's just… given up, that's all."

Castiel turned to her. "He doesn't have the _right_ to give up," Castiel said. "It _does_ seem insurmountable, even to me. _Especially_ to me. For thousands of years, I've never questioned, never doubted, and then I rebelled. And I'm _still_ rebelling. So he doesn't have the _right._ "

Ember didn't answer, because they both knew it was true.

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

As if the situation with Dean wasn't bad enough, the angels made a deal with Adam, Dean and Sam's younger half-brother, to be Michael's vessel instead.

"Maybe they're moving on from you, Dean," Castiel said.

"Well that doesn't make sense," Dean answered.

"He's John Winchester's bloodline, Sam's brother," Castiel said. "It's not perfect, but it's possible."

"You've gotta be kidding me," said Dean.

"Why would they do this?" asked Sam.

"Maybe they're desperate," said Castiel. "Maybe they've wrongly assumed Dean would be brave enough to withstand them." He couldn't help but throw in the barb.

Unfortunately, Adam's arrival only increased Dean's motivation to be Michael's vessel. They had trapped Dean in Bobby's panic room, but he managed to find a way out. He turned over a chair in the panic room, and hid from Castiel. When Castiel came in to investigate, Dean banished him.

Castiel found himself somewhere in Alaska, and flew immediately back to the bunker. He was almost there when just below him he heard a different prayer.

 _"Dear God! It is Dean Winchester! I have found him! I shall be rewarded in Heaven!"_

It was one of those Jehovah's Witnesses that Zachariah had recruited. "You pray too loud," Castiel said, arriving next to him and immediately putting him to sleep.

Anger surged through him like he hadn't felt since before he Fell. It took him over, the way he had taken over Jimmy, and he found himself captive to it. He flew Dean to an abandoned alleyway before other angels appeared, and shoved him against a wall.

"What are you, crazy!?" Dean yelled, surprised.

"I rebelled for this?!" Castiel yelled, throwing him against the wall. It wasn't as much strength as he possessed, but it was far more than he should have used. He punched the human, again and again. "So that you could surrender to them?!"

More punching, and Castiel felt that he would never stop. It was only when Dean cried, "Cas! Please!" that the angel realized with a start that he was killing the other man. Dean seemed so strong sometimes, and Castiel felt so weak cut off from Heaven, that it was a shock to realize just how much stronger he still was.

He stopped hitting his friend, but instead forced him back up against the wall. "I gave everything for you! And this is what you give to me?" And the wrath overtook him again, and once more he punched his friend. Then, with all the might of an angel, he kicked him.

Dean flew backward into a fence and landed in a slightly awkward position, coughing up blood. "Do it!" he screamed at Castiel as Castiel stood over him. "Just do it!"

And the urge to kill his old friend was overwhelming. It was what he had always done – deal out death to those who betrayed him, and what he believed in. It used to be Heaven, but now it was averting the Apocalypse. And averting the Apocalypse was in direct conflict with killing Dean Winchester.

Slowly, still glaring at his friend, he grasped him by the arm and flew him to Bobby's.

"What happened to him?" Bobby asked with alarm, eyeing Dean's bloody figure.

"Me," Castiel said.

"Good," said Ember, rolling her eyes. Her face was serious. Contrary to their discussion two days previously, Castiel could tell that she was just as mad at her boyfriend as he was.

 **April 16**

In the confusion with Dean, Adam had managed to make a break for it, and was currently being held by Zachariah. On a hunch, Castiel had scoped out the old warehouse housing Zachariah's old "Room of Desires". Based on the angel activity surrounding the place, and the high rank of the angels in question, he was almost certain that was where Adam was being held.

But still, nothing happened.

"What do you think," Sam asked Ember, Bobby, and Castiel late that night. "Do you think they've given up on Dean, or they're just using him as bait?"

"Bait, definitely," said Ember.

"Yeah, I think so too," Bobby said.

"I'm out of ideas," said Castiel. "How about you three?"'

There was silence. Ember sighed. "I've got one," she said, "but it's… terrible, frankly."

"Well, let's hear it," Bobby said.

"Well, we can't storm the gates, right? We know where Zachariah is holding Adam, but we need all the help we can get to break him out."

"Right," said Castiel.

"Dean would be the most helpful in storming the gates, because they won't try to kill him. But we can't get any help from Dean, because if he gets inside he'll simply offer himself up as a sacrifice, right?"

"Right," said Sam.

"So… reverse psychology."

"What?" asked all three men together.

"Reverse psychology. You know… pretend we have faith in Dean to continue to turn Michael down. Lay it on really thick. Sam, you could use lines like, 'You're still my big brother. When push comes to shove, you'll make the right decision.' And I'll use lines like, 'You're smart enough to know that it'll make Sam and I feel guilty for the rest of our lives if you do this.' You know, crap like that."

Sam appeared to mull the idea over for a bit. "You know, that's not a bad idea."

"It's a terrible idea," Castiel said. It really was a terrible idea, but he had learned to trust the half-demon. She knew how Dean's mind worked. She knew how _human_ minds worked, far better than he did. She was a human therapist, after all. "But it's the best we've got," he concluded finally.

Bobby sighed. "So we're going to attempt to convince Dean to continue refusing Michael by playing on his sense of _guilt_ , then ask him to help us break out Adam?"

"I'm all ears if you have a better plan," Ember said.

Bobby sighed. "Well, I guess it's a good thing Dean's got a lot of guilt."

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

"Tell me again why you don't just grab Adam and shazam the hell out of there?" Sam said later that day. They were preparing to enter the abandoned warehouse housing the Room of Desires. So far their plan was going well. Castiel had taken the liberty of reading Dean's mind without his permission, and he was relieved to see that Dean was starting to have doubts about turning himself in to Michael. Sam and Ember had both worked the _guilt_ angle as well as possible that morning, and their long speeches had gotten to him.

"Because there are at least eight angels in there," Castiel answered.

"So? You're fast."

"They're faster," said Castiel. It was Heaven's finest. Four were Garrison Captains, and the other four were Corporals brought down from Heaven.

Castiel took off his tie and wrapped it around his palm. "I'll clear them out, with Ember. You two grab the boy. This is our only chance."

"Whoa, wait. You're gonna take on eight angels?"

"Yes," said Castiel.

"Isn't that suicide?"

Perhaps. All bets were off. He and Ember would fight as many of the angels as they could, but they would quickly be surrouned. At that point, Castiel's plan was to banish the angels, including himself.

The amount of power it would take to banish eight angels, including himself, would drain his power and almost certainly kill him. He could survive the banishing of five angels, perhaps, if only barely. Truthfully, it depended on how many angels he and Ember could pick off before they were surrouned. Still, it was worth it, if the Apocalypse could be averted once more.

"Maybe it is," he said. "But then I won't have to watch you fail. I'm sorry, Dean. I don't have the same faith in you that Sam does." Ember gave him a small smile over Dean's shoulder, and nodded at him slightly.

Castiel pulled a box cutter out of his trench-coat pocket.

"What the hell are you gonna do with that?" Sam asked.

"Banishing spell," Castiel said.

"Where?" asked Sam.

Castiel began unbuttoning the buttons to his shirt. "Here," he said, and began carving a banishing symbol into his chest.

Dean flinched, but agreed. It was painful. More painful than Castiel had imagined it would be, but far less painful than the torture he had endured in Heaven, and over far more quickly.

"Ready?" he asked Ember when the banishing spell was carved.

"Ready," she said, nodding at him. She gave Dean a kiss on the lips, and then joined hands with Castiel. He felt energy surge through him at her touch.

There were eight angels inside the warehouse. He was attacked from behind immediately, but countered, killing one of the Garrison Captains. He hadn't known him very well, but he had known _of_ him. His name had been Elephriam, and he had been a good soldier, a righteous angel, like Castiel once had been. Castiel wondered if he had even known of the conspiracy, the betrayals in Heaven.

Ember had blown back three other angels using her force powers, a Garrison Captain and two Corporals. One of the Corporals had reached Seraphim rank. Castiel got a lucky hit on the seraph, who landed near him after Ember's blast. Ember killed the other two, sending an angel blade through the air after one and then turning it around to splice the other. She fell over, winded.

It was as much as he could've hoped for. He stood over Ember, protecting her from the other four angels closing in on them. "What are you waiting for?" Castiel taunted them. "Come on!"

As they closed in, he ripped open his shirt, pressing his palm to the banishing sigil carved into his chest. Ember's face was the last thing he saw, and then everything went black.


	13. S5 Part 7, Hey Ass-butt

**Author's Note: Thank you so much everyone for your wonderful reviews! I do not own Supernatural. I think I did pretty well at wrapping up Season 5 here... on to the good stuff!**

 **May 6**

When Castiel woke up, he recognized his surroundings immediately as a hospital. The nurses told him that he had appeared suddenly, bloody and unconscious, on a shrimping boat off Delacroix.

Apparently, he had missed a lot. His brother Gabriel had gone up against Lucifer and been killed, the brothers told him.

Castiel was extremely saddened to hear this. Despite the experience with the bubble universe, Gabriel had always been Castiel's favorite of his oldest brothers. He had never had much interaction with the archangels, but he knew them all by reputation, and from the few times they had met. Michael had always seemed unapproachable, and perhaps too militant. Raphael had seemed almost more unapproachable, and even perhaps violent. Lucifer, of course, had been sent to the cage for disobeying Heaven.

Gabriel, however, had always been both approachable and friendly. He had played jokes on the garrisons, from time to time, and had always seemed up for a friendly chat or a laugh. "None of you know how to have any fun," Gabriel had told Castiel's garrison once, over a thousand years ago by now. "You've all got sticks shoved up your butts. Someday you'll learn."

Castiel had been upset when Gabriel had run away, though he hadn't allowed himself to feel it at the time. Gabriel had redeemed himself, however – he had informed the brothers that they could seal Lucifer back into the cage if they could collect the rings belonging to the Four Horsemen, use them to open the cage, and then trick Lucifer back inside.

They already had two of the rings. Dean and Sam had managed to snag War's ring shortly after Sam had let Lucifer out of the cage. Famine's ring had been taken by Sam just recently, of course.

Castiel knew he had the only chance at getting Pestilence's ring. He knew enough of the Horsemen to know that the brothers, and even Ember, didn't have a chance against the germ warfare that would be employed.

Castiel was bent, and broken, and he could barely see straight, much less walk. His vessel ached in parts that Castiel hadn't even realized _could_ ache. He was grounded, and he barely escaped from the hospital under the watchful eyes of the nurses. Then he had to take a bus, which was cramped, and smelly, and did nothing but make him feel worse.

By the time he finally got to the Serenity Valley Convalescent Home, he felt like the contents of his stomach (whatever they may be) were about to come up through his throat, and he could feel that he was limping, though he wasn't sure why.

Still, he _had_ to help the brothers. He could see just walking in that the situation was dire. All around him were corpses, with the obvious markings of death by Pestilence – flies, green puke, and a smattering of different visible ailments. Sam, Dean, and Ember would've been smart enough to cover their mouths and noses, but that didn't mean they wouldn't still fall victim to the disease Pestilence was spreading through the air, and quickly.

Castiel could sense Pestilence, and hear him as he got closer. "So, you've got to wonder why God pours all his love into something so messy...And weak. It's ridiculous. All I can do is show him he's wrong, one epidemic at a time. Now... On a scale of 1 to 10, how's your pain?"

Castiel could see he had arrived just in time. Dean and Sam were doubled over on the floor, blood coming from their mouths. Ember was shaking, and a rash was breaking out on her face.

"Cas," Dean said croakily.

"How'd you get here?" asked Pestilence. He was possessing a middle-aged man, but Castiel could see the Horseman for what he was.

"I took a bus," said Castiel, looking at the brothers. "Don't worry, I-…"

Castiel had been about to say, "won't fall victim to illness," but apparently that wasn't true. He had forgotten for a second how human he was, cut off from Heaven. He felt something in his throat, and he realized with a start that he was tasting blood. He doubled over, wheezing.

"Well, look at that," Pestilence taunted. "An occupied vessel, but powerless. Oh, that's fascinating. There's not a speck of angel in you, is there?"

Castiel summoned his courage. It was the perfect chance – he couldn't have asked for a better one. "Maybe just a speck," he said. Then, with one final burst of energy, he grabbed Sam's knife and cut off Pestilence's last two fingers, ring and all.

 **May 8**

The Apocalypse was coming, and quickly. The angels had their champion – not the one they wanted, but a viable candidate at least. The board was set.

Castiel felt useless. He had never been more distant from Heaven, and Pestilence had been right – his angel powers were little at best. He was cut off from Heaven, and from Heaven's healing and smiting powers. The longer he had been cut off, the more weak he had become. Worst of all, one of his wings had been bent when he had banished himself and four other angels, and now he couldn't even fly.

He was stronger, faster, and had better senses than the average human, but not by much. He wondered if this was similar to the version of him that Dean had seen in his vision about the future. He wondered if the others viewed him as pathetic and weak. He was too afraid to ask.

It couldn't have come at a worse time. Bobby had sold his soul to the demon Crowley for information, and they had learned that Death would be arriving in Chicago in one week to create "the storm of the century." On the same day, according to Crowley, Pestilence had pre-arranged for shipments of the Croatoan virus – a demon virus with no cure – to be shipped to pharmacies across the globe, packaged as a vaccine for swine flu.

They had a week to prepare. Desperate to help and with no other choice, Castiel immersed himself in learning more human-like fighting skills. He practiced shooting, aiming, and sparring. He still practiced using his angel powers as much as possible, however. He had several mock fights with Ember, and lost all of them.

"Cas, are you okay?" she asked him one evening after sending him flying backward into a tree. He wasn't winded, or even tired… he simply couldn't see the point of getting back up.

"Yeah, I'm fine," he said gruffly, standing up slowly and brushing off his trench coat.

Ember squinted her eyes at him. "We don't have to do anymore. You're obviously tired, and so am I. It's late."

"Angels don't get tired," he said gruffly. "Again."

This time, she sent him even farther back. He winced. She hadn't hurt him (she never did), but he hated her seeing him like this. It was a very human feeling, this Pride.

"Cas, C'mon, I'm tired," she said. "And I'm hungry. Let's go eat."

Castiel sighed, getting up to join her on the walk in.

"Cas, you're worth more than your angel powers, you know," said Ember.

He stopped and looked at her, tilting his head curiously. "Am I?" he asked doubtfully.

"Angels are dicks," she said. "We like you better when you rebel."

Castiel wasn't sure why this made him feel better, but it did.

 **May 11**

Two days before their trip to Chicago, Castiel spent the day with Ember. It wasn't something that had been planned, but occurred when Castiel and Ember both opted out of an out-of-town trip to buy ammunition. Still, Castiel was thankful for it. If he should die – especially if he was to die as a (mostly) human – he should like this one day of happiness, first.

The day was pleasant, and companionable. They practiced fighting with their powers, and Ember beat him several times with her force powers. They also practiced more traditional fighting, as Dean and Sam kept insisting.

At lunch, Castiel fixed sandwiches, a skill he had learned from Dean. Ever since the incident with Famine, he had found that he had more appreciation for human food. He was certain that it had to do with him becoming more human, and he hated it. Still, Ember had to eat, and Castiel couldn't deny that he liked the taste of peanut butter.

He was busy attempting to clandestinely stare at her when suddenly she said, "Can I ask you a question?"

"Shoot," he answered.

"How human are you, exactly?"

The question caught Castiel off guard. Still, he wasn't one to lie. "I'm still entirely angel," he admitted reluctantly. "Just without most of my powers. I'm cut off from Heaven, I've lost the ability to fly, and I've lost most of my power."

"Do you… do you still feel my demon attraction?" Ember asked.

He hadn't expected this question. He got a strange urge to lie, but he supposed he owed her the truth. She had never lied to him, and it didn't mean he had to admit _everything_ he was feeling. "Yes," he said simply, looking away.

"Oh," Ember said, shifting awkwardly.

"I'm sorry if I make you uncomfortable," Castiel said.

"It's okay," Ember said. "I am who I am."

"It's…" _The worst of both worlds. I can't do anything to help, and I still have these feelings I can't control._ "Never mind," said Castiel, looking away.

"What?" Ember asked.

"It doesn't matter," said Castiel. Then, backed into a corner, he said, "I'm just… I feel like I'm a burden here."

"Castiel, you could never be a burden," Ember replied, turning in her chair to look at him.

"How?" he asked, finally discussing what he'd been holding inside for over a week. "I'm not as strong as you anymore. I'm not as good at fighting as Dean or Sam. I can barely shoot a gun. How am I helpful?"

"Are you kidding? You're still as strong as the average demon," Ember said. "And it's not like our lives are chalk full of friends," she added.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

She laughed. "Humans need more than just the same two or three people every day to make them feel like they're worthwhile," she said. "Sam, Dean, and I… we've cut almost all of our friends out of our lives. I get to see my Mom, and Mike once in awhile, but… it's too dangerous for me to see anyone else. You're a _friend_ , Cas… and that means more to Sam, Dean, and I than they'll ever be willing to tell you."

He had never thought about it this way before. Perhaps they _did_ think of him as the angel on their shoulder… even now. He smiled, for the first time since he'd returned from the fight with the angels nearly a month ago. "Are you sure?" he asked.

"Yeah, I'm sure," she told him.

 **May 13**

The five of them (Bobby, Castiel, Ember, Sam, and Dean) had made the trip to Chicago. They'd decided to go in two groups – Dean, Crowley, and Ember would face off with Death, and the other three would stop the distribution of the Croatoan virus. They'd been delighted to find out, shortly before they went their separate ways, that Crowley's deal with Bobby had come with the perks of him getting his legs back, at least for the time being.

After saying good-bye to Dean's group, Castiel, Sam, and Bobby set off in a large van for the spot where they would (with any luck) stop the scheduled trucks full of Croatoan virus. On the way, Sam pitched an idea to Castiel.

"I can say 'yes' to Lucifer, and then jump in the hole," Sam said. "After we get the rings, of course. That woman we met, Jesse's Mom, resisted the demon inside her. Ember resists her demon side every day! I can resist Lucifer. It's… it's the only chance we have. I can't see any other way to trick him into the pit. If I can just take control for a _second…"_

"Say 'yes' to Lucifer, and then jump in the hole," Castiel repeated. "It's an interesting plan."

"That's a word for it," said Bobby.

"So?" asked Sam. "Go ahead and tell me it's the worst plan you've ever heard."

"Of course," said Castiel. "I am happy to say that if it's what you want to hear. But it's not what I think."

"Really?" asked Sam.

Castiel considered. He had been in Sam's head, and he had seen his guilt about starting the Apocalypse, and the responsibility he had taken on to end it. It wasn't the worst plan they'd had, not by a long shot. "You three have a habit of exceeding my expectations," he said honestly. "Dean resisted Michael. Maybe you _could_ resist Lucifer."

 **May 15**

Their missions were a success – mostly. Sam, Castiel, and Bobby had managed to prevent the trucks full of the Croatoan virus from being released, and exploded the warehouse full of the virus. Meanwhile Dean had been successful in locating Death, getting his ring, and saving Chicago. "Death said that Lucifer had bound him," Dean told Castiel later. "And he was inclined to give me the ring to 'take the bullets out of Lucifer's gun.'" Death had given the ring, and spared Chicago, on the condition that Dean allow Sam to be Lucifer's vessel.

Now the brothers had no choice. Finally, on the morning of May 15th, the group of them devised a plan. Sam would drink demon blood to strengthen the vessel, and the group of them would meet up with Lucifer in Detroit. There Sam would agree to be Lucifer's vessel, and attempt to trick him back into the hole.

 **May 16**

Unbeknownst to Ember, the rest of the group agreed in private that she should be far, far away from the confrontation with Lucifer. "He wanted her," Dean said, "Just like he wants Sammy. She's too powerful of a player to be anywhere near there. This isn't like the Whore, or the siren, or even the hellhounds… she hasn't got a chance against Lucifer."

"I agree," Bobby said. "You boys, hunting has been your life. But she's my daughter, and she never wanted to do with all of this demon stuff…"

"I think I can recreate the wards that were on the door to the Room of Desires," Castiel said. Before he had been blasted away, he had recognized that there were wards on the doors to keep out any strong being with demonic energy. With her power as strong as it was currently, Ember was susceptible to them. "We could trap her here, if that's what you think is best. She wouldn't get past them."

Dean nodded. "That would be perfect," he said.

"The wards would hold her while she's powerful," Castiel added. "But she draws her power from Lucifer. If the threat is terminated – if we succeed – she would no longer have that power, and the wards would release her." _Whether we return or not._

Dean, Bobby, and Sam all predicted that Ember would not be in agreement with this plan, so Castiel drew the wards at night while she slept. When she awakened, he could hear her from all the way down the hall.

"You can't keep me here. None of you can."

"Actually, we can," said Castiel from the doorway, filing his way inside.

"What do you mean?" Ember asked, narrowing her eyes. The look on her face was murderous.

"I recreated the warding that was on the door to the room where Adam was being held in the muffler factory," Castiel told her. "Your demon powers are strong enough that it'll keep demons out and you inside."

"If you try to keep me in here while you guys go on this suicide mission, I'll raise this place to the ground, Bobby!" she yelled maniacally at him.

"Yeah, I thought of that," said Bobby before Castiel could speak. "So most of the place is protected by magic. But you're welcome to burn the TV, it's getting old anyway."

"YAAAAHHHHHH!" screamed Ember. She threw Castiel against a wall, and he hit the wall and slid down it. This was genuine anger, as opposed to the play fighting they had engaged in over the past week. Castiel felt a sharp stab of pain, and realized that his head was bleeding.

"Cas!" she screamed, leaping after him as soon as he hit the floor. "Oh my God, Cas, I'm so sorry! I forgot you weren't… I forgot, I'm so sorry!"

Castiel picked himself up off of the floor, dabbing at the blood trickling from his head. "I probably deserved that for something at some point," he said casually.

"Cas, I'm so sorry!" Ember protested. "I didn't mean to-… I just thought…"

"You forgot I don't have the powers I used to," Castiel said. He glared at her, moving his head back and forth slowly. "I understand. You are very upset. But don't let it happen again. It hurt."

"What's all the noise?" Sam asked from the doorway. "Can we get this show on the road?"

They all looked at each other then, unsure what to do or how to act. Finally, Ember spoke, her voice dripping with sarcasm. "If this is my last time seeing everyone…" She took the sarcasm out of her voice. "I want to say goodbye to everyone. Separately."

Castiel nodded, stepping forward. He understood, somehow, that she would want to say good-bye to him first. Of the four of them, she knew him the least. Jealousy shot through him, more potent than usual. This would be a true good-bye, he realized with a start. Whatever happened that night, he wouldn't see her again for many years, if ever. If Sam failed, Castiel would be dead, along with all of them except for Ember. If Sam succeeded, Castiel would need to move on to tasks other than continuing to guard the Winchesters. He would need to return to Heaven again, perhaps.

That was a scary thought.

"Cas, look, I'm really sorry," Ember said again.

"Think nothing of it," Castiel said. He realized he had never said good-bye before, and wasn't sure how to do it.

"Cas, thank you so much for everything… _everything_. Jesus, you… you rebelled for us, and after _thousands_ of years… you made all of us believe in angels again."

Castiel smiled. He had wondered, often, if any of the others really knew how much he had gone through for them, and to avert this Apocalypse. It occurred to him that Ember, at least, had some inkling of this.

"You are truly a remarkable human, Ember," he said, smiling back at her.

He would realize later that the fact that he had referred to her as a "human" instead of a "half-demon" had meant everything to her.

She threw her arms around him, and once again he was caught off guard by it. Still, once again, he held her back, reveling in the way she smelled and the feel of her in his arms. Then he felt her lips on his cheek and he froze, just for a second, but not long enough for her to notice.

"Thanks, Cas," she said, once more.

"I'll see you again," he told her, "in Heaven. I'll find you." And he would make sure of that.

"You'd better," she told him. "But not too soon."

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

 _Castiel was confused. He had been in the back of the Impala, but now he was in what appeared to be a forest. The trees were large, and went on forever, climbing high into the sky. Some of them had doors carved into them, and a tiny dog sat sleeping happily in front of one of the doors. Sun peaked through the canopy, lighting the forest floor._

 _Ember was there, wearing a white, flowing dress. "Cas," she said, taking his hand and smiling._

 _The way she looked at him was different… it was the way she looked at Dean._

 _"This can't be real," he said, trying (and failing) not to smell the air. It was full of her sweet citrusy perfume – the whole forest was, and he wanted to get lost and never return._

 _"You're dreaming," she said. "But it's a good dream."_

 _"That's… angels don't dream."_

 _She smiled at him again, a cryptic smile. "I don't have much time," she said. "Castiel… you have to do whatever it takes. Whatever it takes, to avert the Apocalypse."_

 _"Of course," Castiel said, confused. That's what he'd been doing! "Whatever it takes…"_

Castiel awoke with a start in the back of the Impala. He shook his head groggily. He hated that he had slept… he was practically human now.

But it had been such a good dream.

 **May 18**

Sam had not been able to resist Lucifer's possession. The final fight was about to occur, and Castiel knew that Dean meant to confront Castiel's two oldest brothers.

Castiel would be there too. He had committed to averting this Apocalypse, even now, at the eleventh hour, when it was certain to occur.

When Castiel arrived at Stoll Cemetary with Bobby in Bobby's Chevelle, he could already hear them arguing.

"Adam, if you're in there somewhere, I am so sorry," Dean was saying.

"Adam isn't home right now," said Michael. Castiel recognized his brother immediately, though he had only ever seen him once. He stood as regally as possible in Adam's small body, the perfect vision of a General, the leader of the angels. He was beautiful, and terrifying, and Castiel was frightened of him, far more than he was of Lucifer.

"Well, then you're next on my list, buttercup. But right now, I need five minutes with him," Dean replied.

"You little maggot. You are no longer a part of this story!"

The fear lessened somewhat. Humans were not maggots. They were his Father's creations.

"Hey, ass-butt!" Castiel called. It was the first thing Castiel had thought of to say, and he did the first thing he thought of to do – he threw a Molotov cocktail of holy oil straight at his older brother. Michael was engulfed in flames.

"Ass-butt?" asked Dean, turning in surprise.

"He'll be back – and upset – but you got your five minutes," said Castiel.

"Castiel." It was Lucifer, and Castiel knew this was the end. "Did you just Molotov my brother with holy fire?"

"Uh... no," said Castiel, but he knew his time was up anyway.

He would die for Dean, and Sam, and even Ember, here, at the end of all things. It was a fitting end.

"No one dicks with Michael but me," said Lucifer, still in Sam's body.

And then Castiel was no more.

And then, Castiel was _power._

This time, Castiel knew immediately he had been brought back by God. Something was different – _very_ different.

Jimmy was gone, to begin with, which could only be expected. Lucifer hadn't just killed him – he had blown him apart! No vessel could've survived that.

But there was more. Castiel was… powerful. His wings were whole again, and more powerful than ever (though they retained the blackened, charred look he had acquired while rescuing Dean from Hell). He was faster, stronger, even than he had been before, even at his best…

 _He was a seraph._ God had brought him back _as a seraph._

The confrontation between Michael, Lucifer, and Dean had not yet ended. Castiel saw, with a leap of hope, that Sam was fighting Lucifer's possession. He was winning, for the moment. The rings – the _key to the cage_ – had opened a sweeping pit below Stull Cemetary. Wind ripped around the small group.

"Sam!" Michael shouted. "It's not gonna end this way! Step back!"

"You're gonna have to make me!" yelled Sam.

"I have to fight my brother, Sam!" Michael yelled. "Here and now! It's my destiny!"

Sam looked at Dean, a look that said everything. Even Castiel could read it, though he had never properly understood humans. It said, _"I love you. I'm sorry."_ Sam closed his eyes and spread his arms, falling backward into the hole.

At the last moment, Michael grabbed onto Sam's arm. Sam's eyes flew open, and he caught Adam's arm with his other arm.

Castiel watched in horror as the hole swallowed both of his oldest brothers. He wanted to shout, "Nooooo!" The truth was, however (and Castiel hated himself for thinking it) that perhaps it was better that Michael had fallen as well. Michael had wanted this Apocalypse almost as much as Lucifer had.

The hole closed in a blinding flash of light. The Horsemen's rings burned bright on the ground next to where it had closed, and Dean leaned back against the Impala.

Castiel could tell his friend was losing consciousness. Lucifer had beat him practically to death, evidently before Sam finally took back control. One of his eyes was swollen shut, and Castiel could visibly see that several of his bones were broken.

"Cas, you're alive?" Dean asked croakily, finally spotting Castiel.

"I'm better than that," Castiel responded.

Power surged through him, like Castiel had never felt before. First, he laid a hand on his friend, and Dean's face returned to normal. Then Castiel realized that Bobby had been killed by Lucifer as well. He hadn't been reaped yet, though; no reaper was stupid enough to come close to this battlefield.

"Cas, are you God?"

"That's a nice compliment," Castiel said honestly. "But no. Although, I do believe he brought me back. New and improved."

He touched Bobby, and Bobby awoke suddenly. It wasn't a true resurrection, but it was close enough, and Castiel felt pride.

 _They had done it. It was over._

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

What would Castiel do now? All of his effort for over a year now had gone into averting this Apocalypse, and he hadn't really expected to survive it.

"What are you gonna do now?" Dean asked later, echoing the angels' thoughts.

"Return to Heaven, I suppose," Castiel said honestly.

"Heaven?"

"With Michael in the Cage, I'm sure it's total anarchy up there," said Castiel.

"So, what, you're the new sheriff in town?"

Castiel considered this for a second. Perhaps this would be a good role for him. He would need to speak with Raphael. His older brother would be angry, but without Michael perhaps Raphael would see reason. Castiel would like to go back to being a Garrison captain again. Perhaps he could even take Domiel's old position as Corporal – there were certainly enough vacant spots. Domiel would've considered it an honor.

Castiel smiled at the memory of his old friend. They had once discussed how terrified they both were to take an administrative position in Heaven, but after the past year he was no longer afraid. "I like that. Yeah. I suppose I am."


	14. S6 Part 1, The Fight Continues

**Author's Note: I argued with myself repeatedly about how much I was going to include from the episode "The Man who Knew Too Much", featuring Castiel. Ultimately I ended up including quite a bit. It's so integral to the story line, and to Castiel, that I felt it necessary even though it's in the TV show. This time it's in chronological order instead of the disjointed version of the show, and (I hope) fills in a few of the missing pieces. I hope you like it! Tell me what you think in reviews! I promise Season 6 won't be too long...**

 **To be honest, I particularly like the scene about Crowley's idea of Hell. I think it's truly one of the most ingenious ideas the show has had, and it's probably my favorite scene in the entirety of the series. Anyway, I don't own Supernatural!**

 _Castiel had been alive for a very long time. He remembered many things._

 _He remembered being at a shoreline, watching a little grey fish heave itself up on the beach, and an older brother saying, "Don't step on that fish, Castiel. Big plans for that fish."_

 _He remember the Tower of Babel...All 37 feet of it, which he supposed was impressive at the time. And when it fell, they howled, "Divine wrath!" But come on - dried dung can only be stacked so high._

 _He remembered Cain and Abel... David and Goliath... Sodom and Gomorrah. And, of course, he remembered the most remarkable event - remarkable because it never came to pass. It was averted by two boys, an old drunk, a half-demon, and a fallen angel. The grand story. And they had ripped up the ending and the rules... And destiny... leaving nothing but freedom and choice._

 _Which was all well and good, except..._

 **May 19**

Hell was in disarray. The demons weren't entirely sure what they were supposed to do now that their fearless leader had been caged once again. A few of the demons were torturing souls mercilessly, clearly angry about the recent turn of events. Some of the newly condemned souls were using the disorganization to get back at their captors, and tiny rebellions were breaking out everywhere. Still other demons simply sat and waited for orders, looking forlorn.

Castiel had expected this, and so he used the opportunity to retrieve Sam Winchester from the cage. Even with the disorganization of Hell, it took every ounce of new power he possessed as a seraph to get the job done.

When he returned, he was weak, and burnt, and tired. Perhaps this was why he didn't realize that something was wrong with Sam. Or, perhaps, he was simply too full of confidence, of mission… and of that very human feeling, pride.

 **May 28**

It was over a week before Castiel had recovered enough from his sojourn to Hell to return to Heaven. He returned first to his favorite Heaven, that of the autistic man who had drowned in a bathtub in 1953. He wanted to take some time to enjoy being home again, and to remember Domiel. He smiled, remembering Ember's discussion about "enjoying himself." Perhaps she had grown on him more than he'd thought.

When he arrived in Heaven, however, Rachel was waiting for him, along with two of his Sergeants, two Captains of other garrisons, and two Corporals. He was wary for a moment – he was still likely to be unwelcome here, after all.

"You're alive," Rachel said, smiling.

"Yes," Castiel said, relaxing somewhat.

"Castiel, we saw Lucifer destroy you."

"Well, I came back," he said.

"But Lucifer? Michael?"

"They're gone," Castiel answered.

"It was God, wasn't it?"

"No. It was the Winchesters," Castiel said. "They brought down the Apocalypse."

"But you beat the Archangels, Castiel. God brought you back. He chose you, Cas...To lead us."

 _What?_ No. No, that wasn't right. That wasn't what he had fought for. That wasn't what it had been about. "No. No one leads us anymore. We're all free to make our own choices and to choose our own fates."

"What does God want?"

"God wants you to have freedom," Castiel answered.

"But what does he want us to do with it?" Rachel asked.

Castiel sighed. He had spent a long time with the Winchesters and Ember. It had only been just under two years, but it felt like a lifetime. The other angels had no idea about free will, about choices…

This was going to be an uphill climb.

 **July 27**

Explaining freedom to angels was a bit like teaching poetry to fish. No matter how hard Castiel tried, the other angels seemed to look to him for leadership. He said it again and again: "You choose what you do. Do you want to go down to Earth and help the humans, or live harmoniously among them? _Do it._ Do you want to fight demons? _Do it._ Do you want to have some peace and quiet? _Do it._ " Sometimes he even felt himself channeling Ember, and told them to "find something you enjoy."

Slowly, his lectures on free will were taking hold. At least once per day, an angel would seek him out and approach him for "guidance." "I was curious about the humans," Ezekiel said one day. "So I went down to meet them. There was a lady that was very kind to me! She paid for me to have food. It was not very good. But she was very kind!"

Castiel smiled at his old friend. "That's wonderful!" he said. "They are not all kind, but I have found that they have a great capacity for goodness. Our father's creations are very strong."

"I visited an old friend in Heaven," said Zebediah the next day. "He helped me once while I was stationed on Earth. He still remembered me!"

"That's great!" said Castiel.

Some of the angels' new experiences were a little more difficult. "I don't know what to do," confessed Mariel. "What should I do?"

"What do you want to do?" asked Castiel. "What did you do before the war began, and things got busy?"

"I sat waiting for my orders," said Mariel.

"If that makes you happy, then do that," said Castiel. "But perhaps you should seek out new experiences as well. Have you been to any of the personalized Heavens? Some of them are very beautiful."

As much as Castiel preached about free will, he himself was finding that he had less and less of it. He had been hoping to have the time to visit Dean and Ember, but every time he had a spare moment he was sought out by another angel. He had returned to the autistic man's Heaven only twice, and on both occasions there were at least three other angels present. "You were right, Castiel!" said Ahariel. "This is a beautiful place! Our father is truly talented!"

Meanwhile, rumors reached him that Raphael had returned to Heaven after the Apocalypse. He had a feeling that eventually Raphael would summon him. Raphael was, after all, the unofficial inherited "leader" of Heaven now that Michael was gone, and Castiel was (unwillingly, it was true) causing quite a stir.

As time went on, Castiel began to wonder why he had not yet been summoned to face Raphael. He had a sneaking suspicion that Raphael was watching him from afar, and gathering information about him. His promotion to seraph, as well as his resurrection (again) by God meant that Raphael did not want to face him unprepared, especially after their last meeting the previous year.

 _"_ _Castiel, I'm warning you,"_ Raphael had said _. "Do not leave me here. I will find you."_

 _"_ _Maybe one day,"_ Castiel had replied _. "But today, you're my little bitch."_

Finally, the summons arrived.

"You came," Raphael said when Castiel appeared in front of him. "I appreciate the courage that takes."

"Whose Heaven is this?" Castiel asked, looking around. It looked like a giant library, and there was a large picture of George W. Bush over the fireplace.

"Ken Lay's. I'm borrowing it," said Raphael.

"I still question his admittance here," said Castiel.

"He's devout. Trumps everything," said Raphael.

"What do you want?" asked Castiel.

"Tomorrow - I've called for a full assembly of the Holy Host. You'll kneel before me and pledge allegiance to the flag, alright?"

"And what flag is that?"

"Me, Castiel. Allegiance to me."

"Are you joking?" Castiel asked, though he already knew the answer. He had hoped that Raphael had understood God's will on this. It had seemed more and more likely the longer Raphael had remained quiet, but now Castiel understood his first instinct had been correct – Raphael had not wanted to act until he was sure what he was taking on.

"Do I look like I'm joking?"

"You never look like you're joking," Castiel replied.

"You rebelled - against God, Heaven, and me. Now you will atone. We'll start by freeing Lucifer and Michael from their cage. And then we'll get our show back on the road."

No. This was worse than Castiel could have imagined. "Raphael...No! The Apocalypse doesn't have to be fought!"

"Of course it does. It's God's will."

"How can you say that?!" Castiel said, appalled.

"Because it's what I want."

The sheer arrogance of his brother made Castiel's blood boil. "Well, the other angels won't let you," he protested.

"Are you sure? You know better than anyone, Castiel. They're soldiers. They weren't built for freedom. They were built to follow."

"Then I won't let you," Castiel said. He was surprised to hear the words come out of his mouth. Had he really said that? Was he really taking on his brother? Before, it had been for Dean, out of desperation and guilt, and to atone for his previous bad decisions. But this time was different… this time it was of his own free will, not born out of guilt, desperation, and a possible desire to die. But were they really that different? The cause, in the end, was the same… Castiel would do anything to avert the Apocalypse. He had been willing to die for it two months ago, and he was willing to die for it now.

"Really? You?" asked Raphael.

Then Castiel was blasted back to the autistic man's Heaven. He lay on the ground, spitting up blood. "Tomorrow you kneel, Castiel... Or you and anyone with you dies."

 **July 28**

Castiel returned to Earth. He could get peace and quiet there, at least; no one could find him there. He took two hours to heal, then did the only thing he could think of: sought out Dean.

He felt a rush of affection for his old friend. He had been so busy in Heaven that he hadn't realized how much he missed him. Dean was mowing the lawn. As he watched, Dean's phone began to ring, and he turned off the mower. "Hey babe," he said. He paused. "Yeah, are you gonna be home soon? Sid's having a barbecue, and he keeps inviting us." There was a pause again. "Yeah, okay. I love you."

A pang of guilt hit Castiel. He had asked Dean and Ember for so much already. They were retired… and happy.

Suddenly, Castiel wasn't so sure about this plan.

Just as he began to think over his next action, Castiel heard a very unwelcome voice. "Ah, Castiel. Angel of Thursday. Just not your day, is it?"

"What are you doing here?" Castiel asked, turning to the demon Crowley. He knew Crowley had become the King of Hell since the averted Apocalypse. He had to admit that it wasn't an altogether unpleasant thought. Azazel had been a tyrant, and the fact that Crowley had come out on top of whatever skirmish had occurred for the Throne of Hell gave Castiel hope. Crowley was a salesman at heart, and Castiel felt confident that he could maintain the status quo in Hell without taking it to new levels of sadism (like Alastair would have) or attempting to take over the Earth (like Lucifer). Still, that didn't mean Castiel was pleased to see the demon.

"I want to help you help me help ourselves."

"Speak plain," Castiel said, losing patience. He didn't have time for this.

"I want to discuss a simple business transaction. That's all."

Castiel scoffed. "You want to make a deal? With me? I'm an Angel, you ass. I don't have a soul to sell."

"But that's it, isn't it?" asked Crowley. " It's all of it. It's the souls. It all comes down to the souls in the end, doesn't it?"

"What in the hell are you talking about?" asked Castiel.

"I'm talking about Raphael's head on a pike," answered Crowley. "I'm talking about happy endings for all of us, with all possible entendres intended. Come on. Just a chat."

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

Castiel was impressed with Hell as it was now, under Crowley's rule, though he made sure to act like he wasn't. Countless souls stood in a line, looking dejected and bored. A man at the back of the long line took the number 611,527,124 from the take-a-number dispenser.

"See, the problem with the old place was most of the inmates were masochists already," Crowley said. A lot of 'thank you, sir. Can I have another hot spike up the jacksie?' But just look at them. No one likes waiting in line."

"And what happens when they reach the front?" Castiel asked.

"Nothing. They go right back to the end again. That's efficiency."

It was genius, really, and Castiel hated it. "You have four minutes left."

"What are you planning to do about Raphael?" asked Crowley.

"What can I do besides submit or die?" Castiel said honestly.

"Submit or die?" Crowley asked, laughing. "What are you, French? How about resist?"

"I'm not strong enough, and you know it."

"Ah, not on your own, you're not. But you're not on your own, are you? There's a lot of angels swooning over you. 'God's favorite.' Buddy boy, you've got what they call sex appeal."

This was going somewhere, and it wasn't somewhere good. "Thank you. Get to the point."

"Angels need leaders, so be one," Crowley said. "Gather your army and kick the candy out of each and every angel that shows up for Raphael."

Castiel had thought about it, but he would never admit it to Crowley. "Are you proposing that I start a civil war in heaven?"

"Ding! Ding! Ding! Tell him what he's won, Vanna."

"You're asking me to be the next Lucifer," Castiel protested.

"Please. Lucifer was a petulant child with daddy issues. Cas, you love God. God loves you. He brought you back. Did it occur to you that maybe he did this so you could be the new sheriff upstairs?"

Castiel had thought about being a leader, of course. Lately, with a good amount of the host of Heaven following him everywhere, he had inherited the position even without meaning to do so. Still, a Civil War was another thing entirely.

"This is ridiculous," said Castiel. "I mean, the amount of power that it would take to mount a war..."

"More than either of us have ever seen, yeah. But what if I said I knew how to go nuclear?"

"What do you mean?" asked Castiel.

"Purgatory, my fine feathered friend," Crowley responded. "Purgatory. Just think about it. An untapped oil well of every fanged, clawed soul. I mean, what's that over the years? 30 million? 40 million? Just sitting there, plump and rich for the taking."

It wasn't an ideal plan, by any means. But if it would continue to avert the Apocalypse… It would be exactly what Castiel needed. Except for one problem. "How would you even find it when no one ever has?"

"We'll need expert help," said Crowley.

"From whom?"

"From experts, of course. I know of two eerily suited 'Teen Beat' models with time on their hands."

"No," said Castiel. "Not Dean. Or Ember. They're retired, and they have to stay that way."

"Fine," said Crowley. "Then I know of a certain big, bald patriarch I can take off the bench. The point is...They can get us to the monsters. The monsters can get us to Purgatory. I know it."

Things were moving too fast, but Castiel didn't have the luxury of time. All things considered, it was the only plan he had, at the moment. Castiel would be stupid not to be interested. But when dealing with demons, there was always a catch. "And what's your price in all of this?"

"Just half," he said.

"Half?" Castiel asked.

"My position isn't all that stable, ducky. Those souls would help, just like they'd help you. Besides, wouldn't you rather have me in charge down here? The devil you know..."

He was right, and they both knew it. His argument was ironclad, and Castiel desperately needed what he was offering. But, he desperately needed it _now. "_ This is pointless," he said finally. Your plan would take months, and I need help now."

"Granted. Yes," Crowley said. "But just to show you how serious I am about this scheme... How about I float you a little loan? Say, 50 large? 50,000 souls from the pit. You can take them up to Heaven. Make quite a showing. It's either this or the Apocalypse all over again. Everything you've worked for - everything that Sam and Dean have worked for - gone. You can save us, Castiel. God chose you to save us. And I think... Deep down... You know that."

Castiel knew Crowley had prepared this speech perfectly. The salesman was as oily as ever. Unfortunately, that didn't make him any less right.

Castiel was well aware, for example, that he was one of the 10 or 20 most powerful angels in existence currently. There weren't that many seraphs, and those that existed were out of practice in fighting from their years spent doing paperwork and making "important decisions". Who else would stand up to Raphael, if not him? He had wondered why God would bother to make him seraph in addition to bringing him back… Now, Castiel thought that he knew.

Even with his new rank, Castiel would still need Crowley's souls, however. It was the price he would have to pay, perhaps, to continue to avert the Apocalypse. And pay it he would.

The next day he entered Ken Lay's Heaven, charged with the 50,000 souls. "There will be no Apocalyplse!" he exclaimed, blasting Raphael from the room. It wouldn't be enough to kill him, but it would scare him for certain. "And let it be known - you're either with Raphael or you're with me."

 **ONE YEAR LATER**

The year had flown by. Angels were militant by nature, and they organized quickly. Many of them seemed glad for a cause again, and for a new leader that was not Raphael.

Castiel was busier than he had ever remembered being, which was saying something. Much of it involved organizing scouting, spying, or reconnaissance missions with his brothers and sisters. He was pleased to find that more than half of Heaven was willing to follow him. He provided new ideas, a new way of thinking, and many angels were tired of the "status quo" that Raphael offered. They liked Castiel's ideas about free will, and they felt that God had "chosen" him.

Still, it wasn't enough. His armies were enthusiastic, and fought tirelessly, but it was never enough. Raphael's side was merciless, and quite a few of the other seraphs had sided with Raphael. The death count mounted on both sides, and after awhile Castiel was forced to borrow more souls from Crowley just to mount a suitable opposition.

When he wasn't organizing scouting and reconnaissance missions, or fighting in battles, he was meeting (secretly) with Crowley. If he wasn't doing either of those things, he was reassuring his troops, preaching about free will, and trying desperately not to think about how many of his brothers and sisters were dying for this cause.

But the war stretched on.


	15. S6 Part 2, Lies, Lies, and More Lies

**Author's Note: I'm a huge fan of Megstiel, so I hope I did this chapter justice. Megstiel is my OTP. Let me know what you think! I don't own Supernatural!**

 **October 8**

Castiel was in the middle of a battle when he received a prayer from the Winchesters. Sam and Ember had prayed to him several times over the past year, but never Dean.

Still, ultimately, it wasn't the fact that Dean had prayed to him that pulled Castiel away from the fierce battle in which he was engaged – it was what Dean was praying about. Heaven had lost a number of weapons recently, and he could hear from Dean's prayer that he had somehow found them.

Leave it to Dean Winchester to find a way back into his life. "Hello," he said, unsure of exactly what to say. He hadn't seen the brothers in well over a year, after all.

The younger Winchester was not happy. "I spent all that time trying to get through to you," he whined to Castiel. "Dean calls once, and now it's 'Hello?!'

"Yes," said Castiel.

"So, what, you - you like him better or something?" Sam scoffed.

It wasn't the reunion Castiel had hoped for from his old friends, nor was it one that he had time for. "Dean and I do share a more profound bond. I wasn't gonna mention it."

"Cas, I think what he's trying to say is that... he went to Hell for us," Dean said. "I mean, he really took one for the team. You remember that? And then he comes back without a clue, and you can't take five friggin' minutes to give him some answers?"

Castiel hadn't meant to ignore Sam's prayers… he had simply been busy. But it didn't matter. Sam couldn't know that Castiel had brought him back, not with the Civil War. It would paint a target on Sam's back for Raphael's side. The Winchesters and Ember were still hidden from angels, of course, but Castiel wanted to take all precautions necessary, especially since Dean and Ember now had a permanent home and jobs.

"If I had any answers, I might have responded. But I don't know, Sam. We have no idea who brought you back from the cage... or why."

"So... it wasn't God?" Sam asked.

"No one's even seen God," Castiel answered. "The whole thing remains mysterious."

"What the hell does that mean?" Sam asked.

Now Castiel was beginning to get annoyed. He didn't have time for this. How many angels would die while he was off the battlefield? But he couldn't pass up this lead on the weapons of Heaven, not when it had so fortunately reached Castiel first. "What part of 'I don't know' escapes your understanding?" he snapped, impatient.

"Cas, look, if Sam calls, you answer. Okay? You wing your ass down here, and you tell him, 'I don't know.' Just because we have some sort of a - a bond or whatever..."

"You think I came because you called?" Castiel snapped. He knew he was making his old friends angry, but he was short on time. "I came because of this." He pointed at Dean's research regarding the weapons.

"Oh, well, it's nice to know what matters," Dean snapped.

"It does help one to focus," Castiel said.

"Wait, so - so you and the Halo Patrol, you guys aren't the cause of these killings?"

"No," said Castiel. "But they were committed with one of our weapons. There's only one thing that could have brought this into existence. You call it the Staff of Moses."

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

In the end, despite the fact that both of the Winchester brothers were irritated with him, the three of them worked together as well as Castiel remembered. Though he didn't have time to tell them, Castiel enjoyed more than he was willing to admit the opportunity to work with the brothers again. It was an opportunity he'd never thought he would have, and he cherished it, particularly now in the midst of the Civil War.

They managed to find the Staff of Moses – or at least part of it – in the hands of a small boy named Aaron. Aaron had sold his soul for the Staff, and he had been using it to get revenge on people he felt deserved it. Castiel had had to read Aaron's soul to find the name of the angel who had made this possible, and this process had been painful for the young boy. Dean had been appalled at this, but things were different now. Castiel was a Commander, now, and he had to make decisions and do things he didn't like, for the good of everyone. Dean would have to understand.

He managed to get the name of the angel who had sold Aaron the staff: Balthazar. The name shocked him, but not as much as the appearance of Elenial.

Elenial was Raphael's Lieutenant, a powerful seraph, and he had clearly been trailing Castiel without his knowledge (a difficult feat in itself). "Balthazar," Elenial said. "Thanks, Castiel. "We'll make use of the name. And by the way, Raphael says hello."

They fought, then , right there, in front of the Winchesters. Castiel had hoped to avoid getting the brothers this far involved in angel business, but perhaps it was for the best. It felt good sharing some of this burden with friends, after over a year. Rachel and his soldiers were good soldiers, but he could sense that none of them felt entirely comfortable speaking their minds around him. He wished they would; they probably had good advice, but it went against their nature as angels, as it had gone against his nature for so long.

Elenial and Castiel were evenly matched. Elenial was more powerful, but Castiel was by far the better fighter, and Elenial ultimately disappeared, leaving Castiel to explain his situation to the brothers.

"Raphael and his followers, they want him to rule Heaven. I - and many others - the last thing we want is to let him take over. It would be catastrophic," Castiel explained, quickly gathering the contents of the spell he needed to locate Balthazar.

"You're talking civil war," said Sam.

"Technically, yes," Castiel answered, pulling Sam's weapons bag from under his bed. "Which is why we have to find Balthazar and his weapons before Raphael does. Whoever has the weapons wins the war."

"Help yourself," Sam said sarcastically, and Castiel ignored him.

"And what happens if Raphael wins? What - what does he want?" asked Dean.

"What he's always wanted," said Castiel, pulling a flask of holy water from Sam's bag. "To end the story the way it was written."

"You mean the Apocalypse, the one that we derailed?"

"Yes. That one. Raphael wants to put it back on the rails."

Castiel took a short sojourn to a shop in Arabia to get myrrh for the spell he needed, then returned.

"Why does Raphael want to bring back all this crap?" Dean asked when he appeared behind them.

"He's a traditionalist," Castiel said, drawing a location spell on the table with chalk.

"Cas, why didn't you tell us this?" said Dean, and Castiel noticed concern and fear in his eyes.

For the first time since he had arrived, Castiel stopped. "I was ashamed," he said honestly. "I expected more from my brothers." He had known, of course, that there would be several angels that would oppose his teachings about free will. He hadn't counted on Raphael, though. He had never meant for things to go this far. "I'm sorry," he said.

So, the Winchesters were back on board with his plan and up to date with the situation. It was a situation Castiel had not expected. Even though he wished Dean and Ember had been able to successfully retire, he couldn't deny that this turn of events was most welcome.

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

In the end, Balthazar turned out to be one of a few angels that had taken Castiel's words about free will to an unhealthy extreme.

"Why take the weapons?" Castiel asked him. "Why run away?"

"Because I could!" Balthazar explained. "You're the one who made it possible! The footsteps I'm following - they're yours. What you did, stopping the big plan, the prize fight? You did more than rebel. You tore up the whole script and burned the pages for all of us." He laughed. "It's a new era. No rules, no destiny. Just utter and complete freedom."

"And this is what you do with it?" Castiel said, aghast.

"Hey, screw it, right? I mean, dad's not coming back. You might as well blow coke and jump on the bed. You proved to me we could do anything, so I'm trying everything. What difference does it make?"

But they didn't have much time to talk, because Raphael himself caught up with them shortly after that.

Castiel hadn't seen Raphael since their original showdown at the start of the Civil War, over a year ago. This had been on purpose. It had been easy enough to do, since Raphael was fairly obvious about his goings and comings. Raphael was a "Bull in a China shop" sort of General, who expected to win based on sheer power and brawn. Castiel was a strategist, and with any luck he would fully exploit this.

Therefore, this turn of events was extremely unlucky. Raphael kicked Castiel, then punched him several times. Raphael's strength was incredible, and Castiel felt silently thankful that he had thought to borrow some more souls a few days before. Still, he could already tell exactly how this was going to end.

"Somehow, I don't think God will be bringing you back this time," said Raphael, raising his angel-killing sword over Castiel's head.

 _At least, in the end, it's like before,_ Castiel thought. He thought briefly of all of the times he had died, or thought he was going to die, before and during Lucifer's sojourn on Earth. _Fighting for what I believe in, with the Winchesters. Team Free Will._ The thought made him smile.

"Hey! Look at my junk!" screamed Balthazar, holding up a glowing crystal. It was another of the weapons that Heaven was missing. Raphael's vessel was turned to salt, and the fight was over.

In the end, Castiel let Balthazar go. He would need Balthazar later, perhaps, and Balthazar had been an able soldier who had stood for him against Raphael. Balthazar was more than capable at fighting and hiding, and the remaining weapons of Heaven were perhaps safest in his hands until Castiel had further use for them. For now, Castiel had to appease those who supported him, even if their ideas of Free Will were a far cry from what Castiel had attempted to preach.

Dean wasn't very happy about Castiel's choice, but Castiel thought, once again, that he no longer had the luxury of caring what Dean thought.

 **November 3**

 **ONE MONTH LATER**

Dean and Ember both prayed to Castiel quite a bit over the next month.

 _"_ _Cas, get your angel ass down here, there's something wrong with Sammy,"_ said Dean.

 _"_ _Cas, please come visit us. I haven't seen you in forever. I know you're busy, but something is really wrong with Sam…"_

When Castiel had an opportunity, he finally touched down to have a look at Sam. He had been hoping Ember would be present, but had no such luck. Still, the brothers and Ember had prayed so much over the past month that Castiel couldn't afford to ignore them. They were still his friends, after all, war or no war.

When Castiel realized, finally, what was wrong with Sam, he was truly horrified. How could he have done this? How could he have overlooked something so important? "Somehow, when Sam was resurrected, it was without his soul," Castiel admitted, doing his best not to look guilty.

"So, where is it?" Dean asked.

"My guess is... Still in the cage with Michael and Lucifer."

"So, is he even still Sam?" asked Dean.

"Well, you pose an interesting philosophical question," answered Castiel.

"Well, then, just get it back!" Dean exclaimed.

"Dean," Castiel said warningly.

"Well, you pulled me out," Dean protested.

Castiel resisted the urge to shout at his old friend. "It took several angels to rescue you, and you weren't nearly as well guarded. Sam's soul is in Lucifer's cage. There's a difference, a big difference. It's not possible."

"Okay, well, there's got to be a way," said Dean.

The brothers started by retracing Sam's resurrection. Castiel listened half-heartedly, but really he was thinking about his options. He still couldn't afford to be honest with them and explain that he had brought Sam back. At the time, Hell had been in disarray, with demons doing whatever they wanted with no leader. Even then, it had been too easy – he understood that, now.

Currently, Hell was a well-oiled machine. Crowley would never allow Castiel to free Sam's soul from the cage – he was asking too much of the demon already, borrowing too many souls and relying on him too heavily. He couldn't ask the other angels for help, either – he was asking too much of his soldiers, too, and they could never understand his allocation of soldiers for a trip to Lucifer's cage. They would lose faith, and he couldn't afford that.

Nor would Castiel want to resurrect Sam, not now. Dean would never be happy with Sam in Heaven, Castiel knew that. Instead, he would want Sam back on Earth. But Sam's soul was too damaged. He had been in Hell for over a year now, which was over 100 years in Hell. Heaven was the only place Sam's soul belonged.

Castiel had learned to think outside the box, though, over the past two years. Perhaps he _could_ find a solution for Sam… Either way, he couldn't afford to spend any more time here on Earth.

"Sam, Dean... I have to get back," he said.

"You're leaving?"

"I'm in the middle of a civil war," he reminded them.

"You better tear the attic up, find something to help Sam," Dean said.

"Of course," Castiel said irritably. "Your problems always come first." He was wondering, now more than ever, if it might've been better if he had left Sam well enough alone. At least then his soul and body would be united, rather than his body up here causing turmoil. "I'll be in touch," Castiel said finally, and disappeared.

 **December 4**

 **ONE MONTH LATER**

 _"_ _Castiel. We need you. It's important."_

Castiel paid the prayer no mind. He shoved his angel blade into a cupid with his left hand, and smited a demon with his right. Another uprising of Raphael's followers had broken out, and they'd recruited demons to help them wreak havoc on Earth in protest of the situation. They hadn't counted on Castiel to show in person, but Castiel needed to ensure that his troops knew that they had his support.

 _"_ _Cas, we found something. It's this gold box. Apparently Nazis were after it back in the day, someone opened it and their face melted off. I think it's – ready for this – the Ark of the Covenant. Yeah. So…"_

Had Sam had a soul, Castiel would've known that the prayer was a deception. Prayers always come with thoughts and feelings beyond what was being prayed about, but Sam's never did. Therefore, Castiel showed in earnest. "Where is the box?"

The truth of the matter was, however, that the Winchesters had teamed up with the demon Meg and recruited him to help seek out Crowley. This caught Castiel off guard, but he made certain not to show it. How had this happened?

He searched around Dean's mind, being as clandestine as possible. Fortunately Dean's last interaction with Crowley was on the forefront in Dean's brain, and Castiel's seraph powers didn't require him to look far.

 _"_ _You may as well share with the class, Crowley. We know you're looking for Purgatory," Sam said._

 _"_ _So you heard about that?"_

 _"_ _Yeah. You want to tell us why?"_

 _"_ _Isn't it obvious? Location, location, location," Crowley had said. "I'm a developer. Purgatory is vast, underutilized, and hell-adjacent, and I want it."_

 _"_ _What for?"_

 _"_ _Best shut your gob," Crowley answered. "Employees don't question management."_

 _"_ _We ain't your employees," said Dean._

 _"_ _Of course you are!" said Crowley. "Have been for some time now, thanks to gramps. I don't keep Captain Chromedome around for his wit, do I? Samuel knows things. More than any of you, actually. Walking encyclopedia of the creepy and the crawly. And I knew... You two are so hung up on family-loyalty nonsense, he said jump, you'd get froggy."_

 _"_ _Yeah, well, the game's over," said Dean._

 _"_ _Yeah, well, afraid not, not if you want to see Sam's soul ever again."_

 _"_ _No, Cas says it takes big-time mojo to pull something like that off, and you're nothing but a punk-ass crossroads demon," said Dean._

 _"_ _Was a punk-ass crossroads demon," Crowley clarified. "Now? King of Hell. Believe me, I've got the mojo. I snap my fingers, Sam gets his soul back. Or you can be...You, and I shove Sam right back in the hole. Can't imagine what it's like in there... and I can imagine so many things. So, we clear? Me, Charlie... you, angels. Job's simple enough - bring me creatures. Aim high on the food chain, please. Everybody wins. It's been a pleasure. See you soon."_

 _Now what?_ Castiel thought desperately. He was caught completely off guard by exactly how much the Winchesters knew. How could this have happened? Why hadn't Crowley told him about this interaction? They'd seen each other just a couple of days ago.

He couldn't tip Sam and Dean off to the fact that he was working with Crowley. It wasn't just that he felt guilty about it, and it wasn't just that he knew they wouldn't approve. It was more than that. Any powerful angel could see into Dean's mind just as easily as Castiel had, and he couldn't risk his armies losing faith.

He had two goals; he'd always had two goals. _Stop the Apocalypse. Keep the Winchesters safe._

Deception it was, then.

First, he wrongly completed the ritual to summon Crowley. Then, at his first opportunity, he left to go find the demon himself.

"Crowley," he accused. "Why do the Winchesters know about Purgatory? Why have I been asked to assist them in finding and killing you?"

Crowley barely looked up from the werewolf he was torturing, but Castiel could see a flicker of panic in his beady eyes. " _Unfortunately,_ " he said snidely, "The alpha vampire was a little more talkative than I'd hoped, and your precious _Winchesters_ failed to keep him contained. I said what I _had_ to."

He faced Castiel, smiling snidely. "Don't worry. I left _you_ out of it."

"What am I supposed to do now?" snapped Castiel. "Clearly you said more than you _had_ to. They think you can help Sam get back his soul."

Crowley grinned. "So tell them what _really_ happened to poor Sammy's soul."

"You know I can't do that."

"So figure something out," said Crowley, shoving a large metal electric rod into the brain of the werewolf. The werewolf shook violently, but Crowley ignored him. "Surely you can look out for your little pets."

They narrowed their eyes at each other. "I'm waging war," Castiel snapped at the demon. "I don't have time to keep an eye on Sam and Dean."

"I suggest you _make_ time," snapped Crowley. "I don't _have_ to work day in and day out trying to find Purgatory. _I_ have duties too, you know. _King of Hell_ , and all that. I don't _have_ to keep loaning you souls, either."

"Maybe I'll just let them kill you," Castiel snapped at him, standing close to and above the demon.

"On your own head be it," Crowley said, turning away from him.

Castiel held in his roar of anger, and disappeared.

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

Castiel sat idly watching a movie about a pizza man as Dean and Sam did research on Crowley and what they might be facing. It almost felt like old times, Castiel thought. Taking on enemies with the Winchesters. Having idle time. _Enjoying himself._

Except for the fact that he was in league with the enemy, and he had about a thousand other things that he needed to be doing up in Heaven.

"It's very complex," Castiel said, watching the movie half-heartedly. "If the pizza man truly loves this babysitter, why does he keep slapping her rear? Perhaps she's done something wrong."

"You're watching porn? Why?" asked Dean.

"It was there," Castiel said honestly. Porn… and then he thought of Ember, and himself, in the compromising position of the pizza man and the blond girl on the television. He hadn't thought about Ember in several weeks, nor had he seen her in over a year. _Why now?_ Perhaps it was being with Dean and Sam again that reminded him so much of her.

His vessel was reacting to the porn and the thoughts of Ember.

"You don't watch porn in a room full of dudes," Dean was saying. "And you don't talk about it. Just turn it off. Well, now he's got a boner."

The boys' grandfather, Samuel, chose that moment to knock on the door. Samuel had been taken from Heaven by Crowley (with Castiel's help, of course) to assist with cracking Purgatory. "This what you boys do, sit around watching pornos with angels?"

"We're not supposed to talk about it," said Castiel.

"Why are you here, Samuel?"

"It's what Mary would want. Now, this is what I know. Whatever we bag ends up there." He got out a map with a location. "That's where he tortures 'em, interrogates 'em, I don't really know. I've only been outside the place, but it's a death trap. Nothing gets in that Crowley doesn't want in and nothing gets out, period."

Castiel knew Crowley had set them up. Earlier, Samuel had been adamant about not helping them. He breathed easier – Goal Number One was secure. _Stop the Apocalypse._ Unfortunately, he didn't trust Crowley to follow through with Goal Number Two: _Keep the Winchesters safe._ He would still have to accompany them.

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

Castiel had been right. Crowley had employed the use of hellhounds.

They were trapped. Even Castiel couldn't fight off this many hellhounds at once – not in a way that spared his vessel, anyway. He couldn't see them, any better than Sam and Dean. He missed Ember – she had been able to see hellhounds. As it was, the only one that could see them was –

Meg. Meg the demon had teamed up with Sam and Dean because she was on the run from Crowley, Castiel knew. Now, however, she was trapped in her meat suit due to a spell, and had nowhere else to run. Castiel doubted, however, that the demon would be willing to fight the hellhounds for them.

He was completely shocked, therefore, when she said, "You kill the smarmy dick. I'll hold off the dogs." Castiel thought with surprise that it was the sort of thing Ember would have done.

"How you gonna do that?" Dean asked.

Castiel was completely caught off guard when Meg began kissing him. He knew Meg was going for his blade, but she smelled so good that he didn't care. She smelled like Ember – not exactly like Ember, because the ethereal element was not there, which Castiel knew was the element that attracted him to the half-demon so much. Still, Meg smelled of citrus perfume and demon, both smells which he had come to associate with Ember. With his eyes closed, Castiel could easily imagine that he was kissing the half-demon woman.

Suddenly he was overtaken by a feeling of daring, perhaps brought on by the lack of free will that had stifled him so much over the past few months. When Meg's lips left his, he reached for her again, pressing her up against the wall and himself into her. Her lips were soft, and he had never been kissed before, and he could almost imagine that this is what it would have felt like to finally kiss Ember, like the pizza man in the porno movie.

"What was that?" Meg asked when she disentangled himself from him.

"I learned that from the pizza man," he said honestly.

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

Castiel, Sam, and Dean had barely left Meg behind with the hellhounds (and Castiel's angel blade) when Samuel showed up. Castiel knew what was going to happen before it happened, but was powerless to stop it.

This time, the banishment took him to a small city in Spain, and he swore in Enochian. By the time he managed to return, Crowley had all of them – Sam, Dean, and even Meg – pressed up against the wall with his demon powers, helpless.

"Leave them alone," he snapped.

"Castiel, haven't seen you all season. You the cavalry now?" At least Crowley had decided to play dumb.

"Put the knife down," said Castiel rigidly.

"You that bossy in Heaven? Hear you're losing out to Raphael. The whole affair makes Vietnam look like a roller derby. Hey, what's in the gift bag?" Castiel knew Crowley's real implications: " _Don't even think about it. You need me."_

Castiel removed a skull from a burlap bag. "You are."

"Not possible," said Crowley.

He was right. It wasn't possible. But it was the best idea Castiel had had on the fly. He had gotten the idea from the Winchesters themselves, actually, from a story Dean had told one time when Castiel had come to visit. His plan would get the Winchesters off Crowley's back, so long as Crowley had the good sense to play along. "You didn't hide your bones as well as you should have." Crowley would understand his hidden meaning as well: _"Play along, or these will be your real bones."_

"Cookie for you," Crowley told him mockingly. _"I understand,"_ Crowley was really saying.

There was one little matter to take care of. "Can you restore Sam's soul or not?" Castiel asked Crowley sharply.

"If I could help out in any other –…"

"Answer him!" Dean commanded.

"I can't," said Crowley.

Castiel snapped his fingers, and Crowley disappeared at the same time. Castiel effortlessly flew nearby, grabbed one of the monsters, and burned them in Crowley's place.

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

"Thanks, Cas," Dean said. "If it hadn't been for you –…"

"Crowley was right," Castiel said, playing the sympathy card. "It's not going well for me upstairs."

"If there's anything we can do –…"

Good. They were done being angry at him. "There isn't," he said. "I wish circumstances were different. Much of the time I'd rather be here." That much was the truth, at least.

"Look, Cas, we know you got a steaming pile on your plate," said Dean. "There's no need for apologies. We're your friends."

"Listen, Sam, we'll find another way," said Castiel.

"You really wanna help?" Sam asked. "Prison full of monsters. Can't just leave 'em, can't let 'em go."

"I understand," Castiel said, and he disappeared to go ensure the monsters were properly caged.

Lies, lies, and more lies.


	16. S6 Part 3, Angels to Betray

**Author's Note: Re-reading this chapter, it's a bit fast-paced. I didn't want to dwell too much on what we already knew from the TV show, though. I want to focus on Cas' interactions with Ember as well as his betrayal of her and the Winchesters and not get too bogged down in minutia. So, I had to throw a bunch in one chapter and then move on. Let me know what you think in reviews! Also, keep in mind that this is the sister story of "Ember: Half Demon, Half Human," so bits and pieces will overlap occasionally.**

 **I do not own Supernatural.**

 **December 13**

Castiel was halfway through recruitment of a dozen new angels to their cause when he heard Dean's prayer: "Please Cas, damn it, show up for once. Don't make me make up a damn weapon to lure you here with. Sam's got his soul back. But he won't wake up."

Castiel thought of several choice swear words in Enochian, but he made his excuses and headed in the direction of the prayers.

Almost immediately, he ran into Ember. He didn't have a second to respond before she flung herself at him. "Cas!" she cried, hugging him. "It's been so long!"

Cas tried to remember the last time he had seen Ember. Had it really been over a year and a half now? It had been before the Apocalypse, when she had sent him flying across the room.

She was too close, he thought. One moment in her prescence and everything else – the war, Sam's soul, Raphael – everything flew out of his head. All he could think about was throwing her against the wall and kissing her, like he had a week or so before with the demon called Meg. _Damn_ her demon (and angel) attraction powers!

He extricated himself from her. "I don't understand," he said calmly. "The Apocalypse is over, and Lucifer is locked up again. Why is your demon and angel attraction still so strong?"

Ember and Dean both looked at him strangely. "It's… not," Ember said. She stuck her hand out and tried to move him, but he barely felt it. "That's… that's my full power, now."

Castiel tilted his head. "That's odd, then."

"Cas!" Dean interrupted. "My brother!"

"What have you done, Dean?"

Dean explained what had occurred with Death, while Castiel felt Sam's soul.

"Well?" Dean asked, after his explanation and Castiel's investigation were over.

"His soul is in place," Castiel said, rolling up his sleeve.

"Is he ever gonna wake up?" asked Dean.

Castiel was angry now. Sam's soul had been so weak and tortured. It should never have been put back into the body. "I'm not a human doctor, Dean." _You better hope he never wakes._

"Could you take a guess?" snapped Dean.

"Okay," Castiel said, turning to face him. "Probably not."

"Oh, well, don't sugarcoat it," Dean said sarcastically. Ember put her arm around him.

"I'm sorry Dean, but I warned you not to put that thing back inside of him," Castiel said, his anger surging again.

"What was I supposed to do?" asked Dean. "Let T-1000 walk around? Hope he doesn't open fire?"

"Let me tell you what his soul felt like when I touched it," said Castiel. "Like it had been skinned alive, Dean." Dean gulped. "If you wanted to kill your brother, you should've done it outright," Castiel finished. And with one last look at Ember, he was gone.

 **Winter**

Castiel didn't see Ember for some time after that. He rarely saw the Winchesters, either. He was happy to learn that Sam _had_ awoken, and that Death had placed a wall in Sam's head that kept him from his memories. It was unnatural, and it made Castiel uncomfortable, but he had more important things to think about.

The war was going poorly. There were spies on both sides, but Raphael's spies seemed more effective. He had had two more run-ins with Raphael, both of which he had only narrowly escaped with the help of Crowley's soul loans and several of his soldiers dying on his behalf. There were days when he wished he'd never started this war, and other days when he would do anything to end it. He was getting desperate.

Finally, near the end of February, the tides turned, and Castiel was able to secure the weapons that Balthazar had stolen. He had had to use the Winchesters as decoys while Balthazar retrieved them, but it was a necessary evil. In the end, Raphael had confronted the brothers outside their motel room, but Castiel had gotten there just in time and Raphael had flown away when confronted with the possibility of the weapons.

Still, the Winchesters were not happy. "When will I be able to make you understand?" Castiel implored them quietly. "If I lose against Raphael, we all lose _everything."_

"Yeah, Cas, we know the stakes," Dean snapped. "That's about all you've told us!"

"I'm sorry about all this," Castiel said guiltily, looking downward. "I'll explain when I can.

 **Spring**

The weapons had helped. Without them, the war would have been lost ages ago. Raphael's seraphs were powerful, but Castiel's army was picking them off one by one. Still, it wasn't enough.

In desperation for more souls, Castiel had asked Balthazar to unsink the Titanic. The act would create 50,000 more souls Castiel could use without disrupting the flow of Heaven, as the souls should never have existed in the first place.

Atropos, the God of fate, was not happy with this plan, however. "If you don't go back and sink that boat, I'm gonna kill your two favorite pets… Sam and Dean are target one… for simple vengeance. You're not fighting a war or anything, right? You can watch them every millisecond of every day?"

Atropos' point had been made, and Castiel ordered the Titanic re-sunk.

He would need another loan from Crowley then. _Again._

More desperate.

 **April 22**

 **FOUR MONTHS LATER**

Things had gone from bad to worse. Castiel was still losing the war. Angels were still dying. And now, the monsters were fighting back. They had released Eve, the Mother of all monsters, from Purgatory, and Eve was determined to get retribution for the monsters that Crowley had been killing and torturing.

This was both fortunate and unfortunate. It was a complication, true, but Castiel felt that if they could find Eve, she would be the key to finally finding Purgatory.

Then in late April, things took a turn for the worst.

"We need to talk," said Rachel.

"You summoned me here?" Castiel said. He worried about Rachel sometimes. She seemed to have decided that what she wanted to do with her "free will" was to follow him. It made her a good lieutenant, but he wished she could find her own enjoyment.

"Castiel, I've been hearing things," said Rachel. "Things I don't want to believe. Just tell me if it's true."

"If what's true?"

"You know," Rachel said. "Your dirty little secret."

 _She knew._ He should have known. He never should have allowed her near that high-level demon the week before. He should have known better, but he'd been so busy…

"I have to defeat Raphael," Castiel insisted, barely able to look at her. He knew it was risky. He knew there were too many of them dying. But he had to finish this now. _Stop the Apocalypse. Keep the Winchesters safe._

"Not this way, Castiel."

"Rachel," he pleaded.

"We put our faith in you, and...look what you're turning into."

"I don't have a choice," he protested.

"Then neither do I," Rachel said. Before Castiel could react – before he could even wrap his head around what was happening – Rachel stabbed him. It wasn't a fatal wound, but his reactions were faster than hers, and they began to fight.

Castiel's heart wasn't in it, but he could tell that Rachel's wasn't either. He defeated her easily. He wondered if she wanted to die. Her faith in him had been shattered. "I'm sorry," he whispered, lowering her to the ground.

If angels could cry, he would've done so.

He wished he'd never started this war.

 **May 8**

Everything was out of control. Rachel was dead – he had killed her. The archangel Raphael had taken the blame, of course, but Castiel almost wished he hadn't.

There was one victory. Castiel, along with Ember and the Winchesters, had managed to kill Eve, the Mother of All. Crowley was torturing her currently, attempting to learn what he could from her. It had come at a cost, however. Eve had told the Winchesters and Ember that Crowley was still alive, and that somehow Castiel had torched the wrong bones.

Castiel knew that the brothers suspected him. Therefore, he made it his business to watch them as often as he could spare. The Winchesters were not to be trifled with – he knew that all too well.

"If there's a snowball of a snowball's chance here... that means we're dealing with a Superman who's gone dark side," Bobby said. He didn't know that Castiel was watching, invisible. "Which means we've got to be cautious, we've got to be smart, and maybe stock up on some Kryptonite."

"You can't have friends, not anymore," Crowley advised him at their next meeting. "I mean, my God. You're losing it!"

"I'm fine," Castiel snapped.

"Yeah," Crowley said. "You're the very picture of mental health. Come on. You don't think I know what this is all about?"

"Enlighten me."

"The big lie - the Winchesters still buy it," Crowley said. "The good Cas, the righteous Cas. And long as they still believe it, you get to believe it. Well, I got news for you, kitten. A whore is a whore is a whore."

And Castiel was the whore.

One slip of the tongue, and the cat was out of the bag. He had been so careful. He had saved them, even when Crowley had sent demons to kill them.

"I think we owe you an apology," Bobby said.

"Why?"

"We've been hunting Crowley this whole time... And keeping it from you," said Dean.

"We thought...You were working with him," said Bobby.

"You thought what?"

"I know. It's crazy, right?" said Dean.

"It's just that you torched the wrong bones," said Bobby. "It doesn't matter. We - we were wrong."

"You know...You could've just asked me," said Castiel. He felt horrible.

"And we should have," said Dean. "We never should've doubted you. It's...I just hope you can forgive us."

He nodded, and they thanked him. But it was just another lie.

"It is a little absurd, though. Superman going to the dark side. I'm still just Castiel."

And that was the end. He should've known something stupid would give him away, in the end.

"You're in it with him?" Dean accused. "You and Crowley have been going after Purgatory together? You have, huh? This whole time."

"I did it to protect you," Castiel said determinedly. "I did it to protect all of you."

"Protect us how?" Sam said accusatorily. "By opening a hole into monsterland?"

"He's right, Cas," said Bobby. "One drop got through, and it was Eve. And you want to break down the entire dam?"

"To get the souls," Castiel protested. "I can stop Raphael. Please, you have to trust me."

"Trust you?! How in the hell are we supposed to trust you now?" said Sam harshly.

"I'm still me. I'm still your friend. Sam...I'm the one who raised you from Perdition." It felt good to finally say it.

"What?" said Sam, appalled. "Well, no offense...But you did a pretty piss-poor job of it. Wait. Did you bring me back soulless...On purpose?"

Something shattered inside Castiel. It felt as though he had been stabbed. "How could you think that?" he said desperately.

"Well, I'm thinking a lot of things right now, Cas."

"Listen. Raphael will kill us all. He'll turn the world into a graveyard. I had no choice," Castiel protested.

"No, you had a choice," Dean said. "You just made the wrong one."

And Dean was probably right, thought Castiel as the demons swarmed around them and Castiel shouted to the brothers to run. But this changed nothing, in the end. The Winchesters knew, but it changed nothing.

The Apocalypse would still come, if he didn't win the war. God was still not answering his prayers, even now, even in this dire moment.

 _Stop the Apocalypse. Keep the Winchesters safe._ Perhaps Crowley was right: having friends was no longer a luxury he could afford.

 **May 20**

Castiel was finishing off a battle when he heard Sam's prayer. Though they had won this battle against Raphael, there were more casualties than Castiel had hoped for, and he was already in a bad mood.

 _"_ _Castiel, it's Sam. Um, so look, I don't know if you're in on this whole Ember thing, but if you have any heart whatsoever, bring 'em back to us, man. C'mon. Please. I'm begging you. I am begging you, do you understand?"_

Now that Sam had a soul, his prayer had sent a spiral of direct thoughts and images into Castiel's head. He turned on his heel and immediately set off for Crowley's lab hideout in a tirade.

"Sweetie, you look tense," Crowley said sweetly, looking up from a book.

"You took Ember," Castiel accused, looking murderous.

"Oh. That," Crowley said, as though it made no difference.

"I told you -…"

"Not to touch Sam and Dean," Crowley said. "And I've respected that. I'm merely exploiting the obvious loophole."

Castiel remembered Ember's memories of what demons had done to her as a teenager. Furious, he sent a gust of angel power across the room toward Crowley, who was blasted back into the wall. "Crowley, I _swear_ , if you touch her, you haven't-…"

"Relax, Feathers," Crowley said, recovering himself and radiating his own power. "I know you've got a thing for her. We all do."

"I do not have a-…"

"She's in a cage, of my own design, and I have the only key," Crowley said warily. "Nobody will touch her, and while she's there her treatment will be entirely humane. We just need something to keep Tweedledum and Tweedledee distracted, since _you_ won't do it."

"Where is she, Crowley?" Castiel demanded. His initial fear was relaxing some, as he believed what Crowley had said, but that didn't mean he would allow it.

Crowley made a motion of zipping his lips and putting the key in his coat pocket.

"Why you-…" But then Castiel heard Balthazar calling to him. _"Castiel, I've been talking with some people, they have some interesting news about you…"_

"Call on the bat-phone?" Crowley asked, watching as Castiel touched his temple. "Never call during business hours, do they?"

"I'll be back," Castiel said, glaring at the demon.

"Cas, Cas, Cas," Balthazar said when Castial appeared in front of him in the middle of a forest.

"Balthazar. Why'd you summon me here?"

"Can I ask you a direct question?" he asked.

"Of course."

"Are you in flagrante with the King of Hades?"

"Of course not," said Castiel, but he knew Balthazar would see right through him.

"Always were such a terrible liar," Balthazar said, laughing at him. "So it's true. Alright then, why?"

"It's a means to an end. Balthazar, you understand that?" asked Castiel.

"Oh, absolutely," said Balthazar. "But what's the end here exactly? You know, raid Purgatory, snatch up all the souls?"

"Win the war," said Castiel, with more conviction than he felt.

"And I can only assume that you'd be the vessel, correct? Suck up all those souls into yourself? All that power?"

"It's the only way," Castiel said regretfully. _Stop the Apocalypse. Keep the Winchesters safe._

"Or too much juice for you, in which case you explode, taking a substantial chunk of the planet along with you," pointed out Balthazar.

"That won't happen," said Castiel. He had been chosen. By God.

"Sure, sure," Balthazar said mockingly. "Of course. Just - just tell me that it's entirely risk-free."

"I'm sorry that I didn't tell you, but I need to know," Castiel said. "Are you with me or not?"

"Ah," Balthazar said. "You know, you may be certifiable, but fine. In for a penny, in for a pound."

"How'd you hear about this anyway?" asked Castiel, feeling relieved.

"Oh, your howler monkeys of course. See they're just a touch worked up about that kidnapping business, you know?"

"Where are they?" Castiel said. "I must go to them."

Balthazar shrugged. "They're at Bobby's," he said. "Don't get cocky."

"I'll take that into consideration," Castiel answered, and flew, invisible, to Dean's side.

Castiel was glad he arrived when he did. He got there just in time to watch a mid-level demon throw Dean against a van. Castiel didn't wait, but smited the demon in an instant, allowing the brothers to see him.

Dean was, predictably, not as happy to see Castiel as he might have been. "I didn't ask for your help," he snapped at the angel.

"Well, regardless, you're welcome," Castiel said.

"Why are you here?"

"I had no idea Crowley would take Ember," he explained.

"Yeah right," Dean said, scoffing.

Castiel felt the feeling of dread, and sharp betrayal. "You don't believe me," he said with a potent mixture of awe and disappointment.

"I don't believe a word that's coming out of your mouth," Dean said emphatically.

Castiel was stung. "I thought you said that we were like family. Well I think that too. Shouldn't trust run both ways?"

"Cas, I just can't..."

"Dean, I do everything that you ask. I always come when you call, and I am your friend. Still, despite your lack of faith in me, and now your threats, I just saved you, yet again. Has anyone but your closest kin ever done more for you? All I ask is this one thing."

"Trust your plan to pop Purgatory?" Dean asked.

"I've earned that, Dean," Castiel insisted, but Dean simply glared at him and made a derisive noise.

"I came to tell you that I will find Ember, and bring her back unharmed. Stand behind me, the one time I ask," Castiel begged his old friend.

"You're asking me to stand down?"

"Dean," Castiel said warningly.

"That's the same damn ransom note that Crowley handed me," Dean yelled. "You know that, right? Well no thanks. I'll find her myself. In fact, why don't you go back to Crowley and tell him that I said you can both kiss my ass."

The sharp pain of betrayal and loss sliced through Castiel, and he flew away, angered by Dean's words.

Fine. He would find Ember himself.

It took him several hours, because she was cloaked from him, but he finally _did_ find Ember. He still couldn't get into the room where she was being held, however, because of the angel warding. He couldn't find Crowley, either, though he had a feeling this was because Crowley didn't want to be found.

Finally, after several hours of looking for Crowley in his usual haunts, Castiel wandered back by the warded building holding Ember. With a shock, he noticed the door open and several demons lying dead outside. Another low-level demon wearing a bald man was surveying the damage.

"What happened?" Castiel demanded, coming up behind him and using his angel powers to trap him.

The man turned around, fear in his eyes. "I don't know, I haven't-…"

" _What. Happened?"_ said Castiel more slowly. He spotted blood lying on the door handle. He could smell it from here, and a wave of panic swept through him as he realized it was Ember's blood.

 _"_ The pretty-smelling girl got stabbed by my boss when the Winchesters took her back," he said. He appeared to be summoning his courage and attempting to look taller, although Castiel could tell he was afraid.

"Where is she?" he yelled at the demon.

"Crowley says-…"

"WHERE IS SHE?" Castiel yelled louder, and he began to torture the demon in earnest. He saw it in the demons' mind: Ember had been kidnapped along with one of her clients. A demon had resided in the client, and said demon had stabbed her when Dean had attempted to help her escape. Once satisfied, Castiel smited the demon. He then looked around quickly at nearby hospitals until he found Ember.

She looked frail, sleeping lightly in her hospital bed. Her eyes were closed, and her hair cascaded around her shoulders. Castiel realized, with horror, that he could barely smell the ethereal smell that usually drove him crazy.

She was dying. This was _his fault_. He knew Crowley was a loose cannon – he should've watched more carefully.

Dean was sitting by Ember's bed, holding her hand. "What do you want?" he snapped at the angel.

"Dean, listen-…"

"What do you want me to say? She'll be dead by midnight," said his old friend accusatorily.

"I'm sorry," Castiel said. And he truly was. He had never meant for this to happen. At least it hadn't been worse… at least he could put it right.

"I don't care," Dean snapped. "It's too little, too late."

"Okay," Castiel said, fixing Dean with a hard stare. "Well, regardless, I didn't come for you."

"Meaning?" Dean asked.

Castiel placed his hand on Ember's forehead, healing her. He felt the power flow into her. He hadn't been terribly sure about healing a half-demon from an injury in this way, but fortunately it seemed no different than healing a normal human. Castiel breathed a sigh of relief.

Finally, he turned back to Dean. "She is my friend, too," he said in earnest. "Did you really think I'd let her die?" He shook his head. "She's fine now. She'll wake soon."

Dean continued to avoid looking at Castiel.

"Dean, I said I'm sorry, and I meant it," Castiel said, once more attempting to mend fences.

Dean swallowed. "Thank you," he said slowly. "I wish this changed anything."

Castiel once again felt the sharp sting of betrayal. He had done so much for Dean, and now his friend refused to even grant him a small amount of trust. "I know," Castiel said finally. "So do I."

He sighed. There was still work to be done. He remembered Carl, the client that Ember had been forced to kill nearly two years ago at the beginning of the Apocalypse. The demon said Ember had been kidnapped with one of her clients. Ember would never forgive him if this client was in any way damaged because of the demon possession, and this issue, at least, Castiel could solve. "All else aside, I just wanted to fix what I could," Castiel said. "I'll erase the boy's memory of this event as well, and returned him back to Ember's job."

Dean looked at Castiel in surprise, and Castiel wondered what was going through his head.

"There's one more thing you can do for me," he told Castiel finally. Then he said, "Can you erase her memories? Of… of me?"

Castiel felt a small shock course through him. "Why?" he asked.

"She should never have had to go through this," Dean said emphatically, still glaring at Castiel. " _Any_ of this. She shouldn't have had to endure the Apocalypse, or any of the last two years. Just… take away her memories of us. Of being stabbed, of the Apocalypse, everything."

Perhaps this was best, Castiel thought. Ember had never wanted to hunt – he knew that. That's why he hadn't seen her much lately, after all – she was living her life, as a Therapist. Perhaps this was what she wished for these days, Castiel thought. Dean knew her best, after all.

Castiel felt a large pang of disappointment. If she didn't remember her experiences with Dean and Sam, she wouldn't remember him, either. She would never greet him with a hug again, never put her hand in his like she had when they had fought together. After this final trip into her mind (which he was looking forward to more than he wanted to admit), he would never feel that wonderful pleasant feeling again that always arrived and left with her.

But that was the point, wasn't it? She'd be better off the less she knew about the Winchesters, and demons… and angels. He thought, for once, he understood Dean's line of thinking.

Her mind would be weaker now, too, with Lucifer in the cage and with her body still finishing recovering from the knife wound. Now would be the time, if he was to make her forget. He nodded to Dean.

Dean looked at Ember and walked toward the bed. Very softly, he put his lips on hers, and Castiel fought the small jealous feeling that fluttered in his stomach. "I'm sorry," Dean whispered. "I love you." Then he nodded at Castiel and left the room.

Castiel put both hands on Ember's head. There it was – now that she was mostly healed, the ethereal smell, the pleasant feeling, was back in full force. Castiel had forgotten how good this felt. Everything else fled from Castiel's mind, and he allowed it, this very last time. For just a short while, he allowed himself to forget the war. He forgot about Dean, and Raphael, and Eve, and Crowley. He surrounded himself in the feeling that Ember's mind gave him, like a drug. It could have been five minutes, or it could have been an hour – he wasn't sure.

Finally, with significant effort, he forced himself to search for the memories of Dean, Sam, and himself that needed to be removed. Her mind was laid bare to him, and he could see several memories of the group of them as friends. There were even a few memories of Ember with Dean, intimately. Castiel didn't want to view those properly once he realized what they were, but they still had to be removed-

"What the _fuck_ , Castiel!" Ember yelled, reeling back on the bed.

The connection was cut immediately short, and Castiel felt cold and somehow naked. "Ember, I-…"

"You were trying to remove them!" she accused, jumping up. "You were trying to take them!" Her eyes were wide and full fire, and he felt the push of her powers around him, though they had no effect on him. She was trying to force him away from her, but ever since Lucifer went back into the cage she no longer had the powers she once did.

"Ember, I-…"

"Why would you do that?" she asked, hurt in her eyes.

"Well, Dean thought that it would be best if-…"

But he never got to finish, because Ember let out a scream of rage and tore down the hallway.

As Castiel could fly, he got ahead of her and attempted to explain what had happened. "Dean, uh-…"

But Ember was too quick. Did you just ask Cas to _white-wash_ my _memory?!"_ Ember asked Dean. She put her hand on her hip where she usually kept her weapon, and, finding only the hospital gown, brandished her fist at Dean instead. "You're lucky I'm a half-demon and it didn't work, or Bobby and Sam would've kicked your ass into next week!"

Then Ember turned to Castiel. "Don't you have demons to fraternize with, or angels to betray, or Heaven to take over or something?" she snapped.

Castiel gave her a hurt look, then disappeared.


	17. S6 Part 4, The Rise of Godstiel

**Author's Note: Anyone who reviews gets Godstiel to come to their house tonight... although that actually might not be so great. But, review anyway!**

 **I don't own Supernatural.**

 **I tried to show Cas' progression into megalomaniac, but again I only wanted to make Season 6 a few short chapters and I didn't want to draw it out. Let me know how I did!**

 **May 29**

Eve had revealed nothing. Loathe though Castiel was to admit it, Crowley had been right – they had needed her alive.

Fortunately, Castiel caught a break. He managed to steal a book from the Winchesters by a lady named Moishe Campbell, which ultimately led him to a creature from Purgatory known as Ellie Visyak. She had been the first and only creature from Purgatory to come to Earth through a portal created by H.P. Lovecraft in 1937.

"I'm sorry," he told her. "If the Winchesters are protecting you, you are good at heart. All we need is for you to tell us how to open Purgatory, and we will let you go. It's an offer I have not made before."

"We will do no such-…" said Crowley.

"Quiet," Castiel commanded.

"You can't do this, Castiel," she said. "It's a mistake."

He had no choice, then.

 _Stop the Apocalypse. Keep the Winchesters safe._

 **June 2**

Castiel couldn't watch _everything._ He had to keep an eye on Crowley (both when Crowley did and didn't know he was there), as well as the Winchesters, as well as the creature from Purgatory. He had offered to kill her after he had tortured the information he needed out of her, but she refused. He offered again. She spat in his face. He gave up.

What he didn't realize was that the reason she hadn't wanted a merciful death is that she had been determined to tip off the Winchesters.

"…-Crack Purgatory wide open," she was telling them when Castiel found her once more, bleeding in a forgotten corner of a busy city. "They need virgin blood. That's a milk-run for them. And they need the blood of a Purgatory native, and well, they've got plenty of that now. Tomorrow. The moon - an eclipse. I'm sorry, Bobby."

Castiel sighed. "I'm sorry this had to happen," he said as Bobby stood up to face him. "Crowley got carried away."

"Yeah, I bet it was all Crowley you son of a bitch!" shouted Bobby. He moved toward Castiel as if to hit him, but Sam and Dean formed a barrier in front of him.

"You don't even see it, do you?" Dean accused him. "How totally off the rails you are!"

Castiel felt a large twinge of guilt, but he ignored it. What other choice was there, after all? "Enough!" he said, getting angry now in his defense. "I don't care what you think. I've tried to make you understand. You won't listen. So let me make this simple. Please, go home and let me stop Raphael. I won't ask again."

"Well, good, 'cause I think you already know the answer."

There was nothing else for it, then. It _had_ to be done. The last resort, the action he'd hoped he wouldn't have to take. His two goals were all that mattered now. _Stop the Apocalypse. Keep the Winchesters safe._

That didn't mean they had to like him. They didn't trust him anymore anyway, after all. His delayed realization that Sam's soul had remained in Hell for more than a year had been unfortunate, but it would be helpful, now.

Castiel shook his head. "I wish it hadn't come to this. Well rest assured, when this is all over, I will save Sam, but only if you stand down." And Castiel appeared behind Sam and touched the back of his head, eroding the wall that Death had placed there to block him from his memories of Hell.

Castiel stayed a second to watch. Sam would remain unconscious, he knew. Castiel could return in a couple of days and heal the younger Winchester, once he was full of the souls from Purgatory. He was _so close…_ And they would see, when Raphael was gone and there was no Apocalypse.

Or perhaps they would never forgive him, but Castiel supposed that in the end their forgiveness was not required. _Stop the Apocalypse. Keep the Winchesters safe._

Truthfully, though, the Winchesters would still trust him if it hadn't been for Crowley. The sneaky demon had gone behind his back and told the Winchesters things he hadn't wanted them to know. He'd revealed himself as their employer. He hadn't been careful enough to stay out of their way. He'd sent demons to kill them. Worst of all, his demon partner had had Ember kidnapped. She had almost been killed. She could have been _much_ worse.

That, Castiel could not abide. There was a line, he decided; even _he_ had a line of evil which he was not willing to tolerate to achieve an end.

"I'm renegotiating our terms," he told the demon when he returned to the lab. Crowley had just given him the mixture that would allow him to open Purgatory – blood of a virgin, blood of a Purgatory native, and a few other select items.

"Is that so? What terms do you propose?" asked Crowley snidely.

"You get nothing. Not one single soul."

"Can't help notice, seems a bit unfairly weighted." Castiel remained silent. The demon protested, "Castiel. You wouldn't dare. I brought you this deal."

"You think I'm handing all that power to the king of Hell? I'm neither stupid nor wicked," Castiel challenged. He wondered briefly if he was trying to convince himself.

"Unbelievable," Crowley snapped. "Have you forgotten that you're the bottom in this relationship?"

"Here are your options," Castiel said. "You either flee, or you die."

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

After Crowley left, Castiel immediately took the blood shake and hid it in one of his old safe houses. He wasn't sure what his next action was, but he _did_ know that the blood shake wasn't safe. He found a similar-looking jar of dog's blood in Bobby's fridge, then returned to the lab before Bobby or the Winchesters noticed him.

After that, he sat thinking about his next move for quite awhile.

First, there was the matter of betrayal. How had the Winchesters known where to look for Ember when she had been kidnapped? They should have trusted him to keep her safe. How could they think that he had ordered her kidnapping? _They knew how he felt about her…_

Worse still, one of his guards had informed him that the Winchesters were en route.

How could they know where he was?

 _Balthazar._ Balthazar had to die.

Castiel thought of the many times he and Balthazar had fought together.

In the end, however, he was a General, now. He was about to become the new God.

It was the first time he had thought of it this way, but he found that he didn't hate it. This was what God had wanted, right? God had brought him back, twice, with more power, after all… He was the _chosen one._

He couldn't afford angels that betrayed his word.

 **May 24**

It was just as Castiel had planned it. Raphael and Crowley appeared to him some many hours after Balthazar's death. Raphael was wearing a female vessel. It had taken longer than Castiel had thought, but not long enough that he was suspicious.

Still, it was a shock seeing Raphael there, so bold. After all this time, this was it.

"Raphael. Consorting with demons. I thought that was beneath you," said Castiel slowly.

"Heard you were doing it," Raphael responded. "Sounded like fun."

"You know, Castiel, you've said all sorts of shameful, appalling, scatological things about Raphael," said Crowley derisively. "I've found him, her, to be really quite reasonable."

"You fool," snapped Castiel. "Raphael will deceive and destroy you at the speed of thought."

"Right, right, 'cause you're such a straight shooter," replied Crowley. "She, he, has offered me protection against all comers."

"In exchange for what?" Castiel asked.

"The Purgatory blood."

Raphael clicked his tongue. "Castiel, you really think I would let you open that door? Take in that much power? If anyone is going to be the new God, it's me."

"He's gonna bring the Apocalypse, and worse," Castiel protested to Crowley.

"Hey, this is your doing, mate," replied Crowley. "I'm merely grabbing the best offer on the table. Now, you have two options." He mocked Castiel's voice from earlier. "Flee, or die."

Castiel picked up the jar of dog's blood. He threw it at Crowley and disappeared.

Then he went back to his safe house. With one fell chug, he swallowed the Purgatory blood. Then, slowly, he created the necessary sigil and said the spell. "Aperit fauces eius ad mundum nostrum, nunc, ianua magna aperta tandem!"

It was slow. And painful. It could've gone on for one minute, or a hundred. A giant void opened, leaving a maw of black nothingness. Then Castiel inhaled, and sucked in the souls he could feel coming from the giant maw. He had a flash, briefly, of Famine sucking in the demons Sam had exorcised, so long ago.

And then the pain stopped, and he felt it – power, like he had never felt before. He could do anything. He could make time stop. He could bend the world around him. He was _God._ He was _everything._

Castiel wasted no time, but returned to Crowley's lab. "Mm-hmmm," Crowley was saying. "Maybe I said it wrong."

"You said it perfectly," Castiel said, surprising the angel and the demon. "All you needed was this." He placed the empty jar on the table.

Dean and Bobby were there too, Castiel realized suddenly. He gave them a firm look. _Good. They would see now. They would understand._

"I see," Crowley said venomously. He walked to the wall where Raphael had created the sigil and tasted the blood on the wall. "We've been working with... Dog blood. Naturally."

"Enough of these games, Castiel," Raphael commanded. "Give us the blood."

Crowley rolled his eyes at Raphael. "You- Game's over! His jar's empty. So, Castiel, how'd your ritual go? Better than ours, I'll bet."

Castiel closed his eyes, emanating a bright light. It filled the room, and Dean, Bobby, Crowley, and Raphael shielded their eyes.

"You can't imagine what it's like," Castiel said in wonder. "They're all inside me. Millions upon millions of souls." He still hadn't gotten used to the feeling. It was as though he was drunk again, except that it was much more pleasant. The _power._

"Sounds sexy," Crowley said. "Exit stage Crowley." And the demon disappeared.

Castiel allowed it. At the very beginning, Crowley had been correct: Castiel _would_ rather have Crowley in place as the King of Hell than literally any other alternative.

Raphael attempted to leave as well, but Castiel held him still. He looked frightened.

"Now, what's the matter, Raphael?" he jeered, still high on the power. "Somebody clip your wings?"

"Castiel, please. You let the demon go, but not your own brother?" Raphael begged.

"The demon I have plans for," Castiel said. "You on the other hand..." And Castiel didn't think, for once, about killing one of his brothers. He snapped his fingers and Raphael exploded, like he had done to Castiel two years before. Castiel doubted that God would be bringing Raphael back. _He_ was the chosen one.

Castiel turned to Dean and Bobby. "So, you see, I saved you."

"Sure thing, Cas. Thank you," said Dean, but he looked scared.

"You doubted me, fought against me, but I was right all along."

"Okay, Cas, you were. We're sorry. Now let's just defuse you, okay?"

"What do you mean?" asked Castiel, confused.

"You're full of nuke," Dean said. "It's not safe. So, before the eclipse ends, let's get them souls back to where they belong."

"Oh no, they belong with me," said Castiel with assurance. He would not let go of this power. God had _chosen_ him.

"No, Cas, it's it-it's scrambling your brain," Dean protested, looking concerned.

"No, I'm not finished yet," Castiel said confidently. "Raphael had many followers, and I must punish them all severely."

"Listen to me," Dean protested. "Listen, I know there's a lot of bad water under the bridge, but we were family once. I'd have died for you. I almost did a few times. So if that means anything to you... Please. I've lost Ember, and now I've lost Sam. Don't make me lose you too. You don't need this kind of juice anymore, Cas. Get rid of it before it kills us all."

Castiel felt pride, and righteous anger. This was _his_ right. God had _chosen_ him. He wouldn't let go of the power. "You're just saying that because I won. Because you're afraid." _Now_ Dean dared to talk about family? After he had fought him this whole time? "You're not my family, Dean. I have no family." The goals were achieved. The Apocalypse had been averted – _again._ The Winchesters and Ember were safe. He would put Sam back together again, if Dean could understand…

Suddenly he felt a stabbing sensation in his back and whirled around. He pulled an angel blade out of his back, but there was no blood on it. He put it down, looking at a stunned Sam. He had awoken, then. Castiel was glad. "I'm glad you made it, Sam. But the angel blade won't work, because I'm not an angel anymore. I'm your new God. A better one. So you will bow down and profess your love unto me, your Lord. Or I shall destroy you."

There was a pause. Finally, Bobby began to kneel. "Well, all right then," he said, his eyes wide. "Is this good, or you want the whole 'forehead to the carpet' thing?" Bobby looked around, but Sam and Dean were not kneeling. "Guys?"

Castiel felt a twinge of guilt, but ignored it. This is what his father had always done, after all.

Finally, the brothers began to kneel, but it wasn't genuine. "Stop. What's the point if you don't mean it? You fear me. Not love, not respect, just fear."

"Cas..." protested Sam.

"Sam, you have nothing to say to me; you stabbed me in the back," Castiel said frankly. "Get up," he commanded the other two.

"Cas, come on, this isn't you," protested Dean.

"The Castiel you knew is gone," Castiel said. He was God now.

"So what, then? Kill us?"

"What a brave little ant you are," Castiel said, smiling at his subjects. "You know you're powerless, you wouldn't dare move against me again. That would be pointless. So I have no need to kill you. Not now. Besides...once you were my favorite pets before you turned and bit me." That was all they were… pets. He was too powerful now to pay them mind. There were bigger things at hand.

"Who are you?" asked Dean.

"I'm God," said Castiel. "And if you stay in your place, you may live in my kingdom. If you rise up, I will strike you down. Not doing so well, are you Sam?"

"I'm fine," he said, clearing his throat as though trying to convince himself. "I'm...fine."

"You said you would fix him - you promised!" shouted Dean.

Had he promised? Something deep inside him didn't like the idea. Sam was fine, after all. He was walking, and talking, and the rest was what he deserved for standing against God. " _If_ you stood down, which you hardly did," Castiel answered. "Be thankful for my mercy. I could have cast you back into the pit."

"Cas, come on, this is nuts! You can turn this around, please!"

"I hope for your sake this is the last you see me," said Castiel, and he flew away.


	18. S7 Part 1, The Fall of Godstiel

**Author's Note: I wasn't sure what to do with Godstiel, exactly. I feel like there was always a part of Castiel that led him in the right direction, but he was too pumped up on God juice and Leviathans for it to make much of a difference. Let me know what you think in your reviews! They make me SQQQQUUUUUEEEEE! I do not own Supernatural.**

 **June**

"Understand," Castiel said to the Heavenly Host. "If you followed Raphael, if you stood against me, punishment is certain; there is nowhere to hide. As for the rest of you, our Father left a long time ago, and that was hard. I thought the answer was free will, but I understand now. You need a firm hand. You need a father. And I am your father now. Be obedient, children."

Castiel was a strong God. He struck down those that opposed Raphael. Everyone in Heaven feared him, and loved him. Domiel would have been proud.

 _Wouldn't she?_

"It is a new day," he finished. "On earth, and in Heaven. Rejoice."

Castiel was a just God. He struck down the worst of the corrupt preachers who spoke in his name while really molesting boys or stealing from the church. He only struck down the worst, to set an example.

 _Was this right?_

 **June 5**

" _Castiel, I know you're busy being God and all that… but if you'd like to chat…"_

It was Ember.

 _Ember._

Castiel had been working hard as God, and on the seventh day, God rested. He looked forward to being with Ember.

But when he entered her presence, he felt none of the things he used to feel. A dull sense of disappointment flooded through him, but he understood: he had no time for this, now, as God.

"Cas, what are you doing?" she asked, taking his hand.

He noted that he felt nothing like he used to feel, just a dull sense of affection.

"I am God," he explained. "I smited Raphael. I averted the Apocalypse. Just like I told Dean that I would. Now I'm doing everything I can to right the world."

"But Cas," she protested. "All those souls… that's not… it's not healthy. Remember what happened with Famine? Someone could tear you apart! Someone could… use them against you!"

"I am too powerful for that," he explained.

 _Isn't that what you thought about, before you took in the souls…_

She sighed, looking downward. "Cas, please put Sam back together. He's suffering. A lot. If you ever… if you ever cared for them… if you ever cared for _me…"_

 _I care for you, still._

"I have no time for this," he said. "I am God now. I do not have the affection for you that I used to. You are still in my favor, and in Heaven's, however Sam and Dean have fallen out of my favor. They did everything they could to work against me."

"Castiel-…"

"Do not attempt to intervene on their behalf," he said. "I am a just God, but they have done wrong."

Ember looked down at the floor. "Then Castiel is truly gone," she said, and a tear leaked out of her eye.

"He is," Castiel agreed. "I am God now."

 **June 7**

The first time he heard the voice was only a week after he had taken in the souls. He had just killed a corrupt pastor when a voice whispered inside his head. It was a low, sinister voice. "Castiel…"

But he was God. There would always be evil in the world. He would fight it. He could not let go of this power.

 _This is wrong… this isn't you…_

 **June 23**

Castiel was a fair God, but firm.

"So, the jig is up. You found me," said Crowley.

"I never lost you." Castiel looked around at the Enochian sigils scrawled on the wall of the mobile home in which Crowley was staying. "These scratches, they're all useless."

"Still," Crowley said, "Can't blame a girl for trying. Fancy a drink before you smite me?"

"No," Castiel answered.

"You like to bend them right over, do you? Let's go." Crowley stretched out both of his arms and cringed.

"I'm not going to kill you, Crowley," Castiel said. "I have plans for you."

"What's it?" Crowley said in surprise.

"Here's our new arrangement; I let you live, and you return to your post as King of Hell."

"But-"

"I choose where each soul goes," Castiel continued. "I control the flow, and you take whatever I give you."

Crowley turned his back on Castiel. "I take it you intend to keep the live share? So, what you're saying is, Hell's being downsized."

"I would have done away with it completely, but I need a threat to hold over my enemies, and we need to keep Michael and Lucifer's cage." He was a forgiving God.

"Right. I gather this is not a, uh, negotiation," said Crowley.

"No."

"Then I graciously accept, boss."

And then Castiel saw them. There were 2 sores on top of his hand. What was this? How could this happen?

 _You're burning through your vessel._

"I'll be in touch," Castiel said, and flew away.

 **July**

Castiel was a kind God. He helped the homeless, and healed the sick. Perhaps this was why the boils were getting worse.

He could heal his vessel, but each time he performed magic – each time he even flew – the scars and boils on his vessel would return.

He tried everything – he healed more sick, and he helped more homeless. The world was a better place. The Klu Klux Klan disbanded. More people believed than ever. It was like in the old days, when his father walked the Earth.

It was only natural that he would burn through his vessel, he supposed. He would need a new one. Perhaps, like God, he would be forced to retire to Heaven in the end.

And then one day the voices got worse. "A mistake. Too late. Let us out." And he could see them under his skin, the souls he had taken in, moving around under a new set of boils. "Let us out! Let us out!"

He would not let go of the power. He was God, now, after all.

"No."

 _They will be the end of you._

 **August 3**

Death had been bound. He knew it the instant it had happened, because he was God.

It was the Winchesters. He knew _that_ because he knew the Winchesters. He had known they wouldn't stop.

"We need you to kill God," Dean was saying to Death as Castiel watched, invisible.

"Pardon?"

"Kill God," said Bobby. "You heard right. Your... Honor."

"What makes you think I can do that?" Death asked curiously.

"You told me," said Dean.

"Why should I?" Death asked.

"Because... We said so, and we're the boss of you," said Dean. "I mean... Respectfully."

"Amazing," Castiel said, becoming visible.

"Cas!" said Sam in surprise.

Castiel looked at his old charges with contempt. They had gone against God. They must be punished. "I didn't want to kill you, but now..."

"You can't kill us," protested Dean.

"You've erased any nostalgia I had for you, Dean," Castiel pointed out.

"Death is our bitch," Dean snapped. "We ain't gonna die, even if God pulls the trigger."

Unfortunately Dean had a point. "Annoying little protozoa, aren't they?" Death asked, turning to Castiel. "'God?' You look awfully like a mutated angel to me. Your vessel's melting. You're going to explode."

"No, I'm not. When I've finished my work, I'll repair myself," Castiel said. _Again._

"You think you can because you think you're simply under the weight of all those souls, yes?" Death asked. "But that's not the worst problem. There are things much older than souls in Purgatory, and you gulped those in, too."

 _The voices. They will kill you, and cause another Apocalypse._ "Let us out!" Even now.

"Irrelevant," Castiel said. "I control them." He could not let go of this power. He still had work to do.

 _You will release them upon the world._

"For the moment," Death said.

"Wait - uh, what older things?" asked Dean.

"Long before God created Angel and man, he made the first beasts - the Leviathans," said Death.

The word sounded familiar, though Castiel had never heard it before.

"Leviathans?" asked Dean.

"I personally found them entertaining, but he was concerned they'd chomp the entire petri dish, so he locked them away," said Death. "Why do you think he created Purgatory? To keep those clever, poisonous things out. Now Castiel has swallowed them. He's the one thin membrane between the old ones and your home."

"Enough," snapped Castiel.

"Stupid little soldier you are," said Death.

"Why?" asked Castiel, and he sounded suddenly like a petulant child, even to himself. "Because I dared open a door that he shut? Where is he? I did a service, taking his place."

 _You are not God. You are just a mutated angel who can't let go of power._

"Service? Settling petty vendettas?"

"No. I'm cleaning up one mess after another – selflessly," insisted Castiel, though he was starting to wonder if he believed it.

 _Leviathans. Not like the creatures in Purgatory… not like the souls. If you explode, they won't dissipate or return to Purgatory… they will be released upon the world._ He could hear them inside him now, louder than ever. "Let me out! Let us out!"

"Quite the humanitarian," commented Death.

"And how would you know?" Castiel asked. Perhaps Death was lying.

 _You know he's not._

 _"_ What are you, really? A flyswatter?"

"Destined to swat you, I think," said Death.

"Unless I take you first," Castiel challenged.

It was impossible without Death's scythe, and Death's power far outmatched Castiel's. Both of them knew it, but Castiel was angry. "Really bought his own press, this one," Death said. "Please, Cas. I know God, and you, sir, are no God."

"All right, put your junk away, both of you," said Dean. "Look, call him what you want. Just kill him now!"

"All right," said Death casually, sizing up Castiel. "Fine."

Castiel snapped his fingers and released the bonds on Death.

"Thank you," Death said sarcastically. "Shall we kickbox now?"

Castiel stared at him, not understanding the joke.

"I had a tingle I'd be reaping someone very, very soon," said Death. Dean backed away from him.

"Let us out, or we will come out ourselves!" shouted the Leviathans, stronger than ever this time.

"Don't worry - not you," Death said to Dean, and stared at Castiel. Panic-stricken, Castiel vanished.

He appeared in a campaign room for a senator he knew was corrupt. He was desperate. He had so much more he needed to put right, before… before… "I am not petty," he protested to the aide that came to assist him. "I'm punishing a woman who causes poverty and despair in my name. I put your needs first. Don't you understand?"

But everyone simply stared at him, confused.

"All of you!" Castiel said, addressing the room at large. "I am a better God than my father. How can I make you understand?"

"Let me out, let me out!" screamed the Leviathan.

And they were coming, and he couldn't hold them back…

 **August 5**

When Castiel awoke early the next morning, there was blood all around him.

Everyone was dead.

What had he done? What had _they_ done? For a moment, he thought he had let them out, without meaning to… but they were still inside him, whispering.

What could he do? This had all gone wrong. He should've listened to the one voice inside of him that was truly _his,_ the soft, subtle, low voice of Castiel. How could he have been so blinded by power? By the Leviathans? How much had they whispered in his ear all this time, and he hadn't even realized?

He was back in the autistic man's Heaven, mercifully, thankfully alone.

"Let us out! Let us out!" They roiled under his skin. They were louder than ever, and he couldn't fight them. They were coming out, whether he liked it or not. The bloodshed in the campaign room had been only a taste of what they were capable of – he knew that now.

He should've listened to the Winchesters. He had been right to take in the souls, he knew that. He _had_ been right, about that. _Stop the Apocalypse. Keep the Winchesters safe._

But he hadn't thought beyond that, and when the souls had made him powerful, he had become… what was the word? _Cocky._

He should've listened to Dean. He should've given the souls back right away, right after he got rid of Raphael.

But what could he do now? They needed the eclipse. He had a bit of leftover purgatory native blood, and a bit of leftover virgin blood… But even _he_ didn't have the power to create an eclipse.

Perhaps he should've listened to Dean in the first place, even. Perhaps he should've asked for help…

 _"Hey, Castiel. Um... Maybe this is pointless. Look... I don't know if any part of you even cares, but, um, I still think you're one of us, deep down. I mean, way, way, way off the reservation, but... Look, we still have until dawn to stop this. Let us help. Please."_

It was Sam, and Castiel wasted no time. He needed help, and he wouldn't make the same mistake twice.

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

They were back at the lab, all four of them – Castiel, Dean, Sam, and Bobby. Death had made a deal with the Winchesters to create another eclipse, just long enough for Castiel to send the souls back to Purgatory.

"We need the right blood," Castiel said. "There's a small jar - end of the hall, s-supply closet." There had been extra blood, though Crowley didn't know it – Castiel had made sure of it, when he'd tortured the creature from Purgatory…

That seemed a lifetime ago. She had been kind, and hadn't needed to die.

"Got it," said Sam.

"Dean?" Castiel asked.

"What, you need something else?"

"No," Castiel said. "I feel regret, about you and what I did to Sam."

He was still drunk on the God-like power, but he had a feeling that when that was gone, if he wasn't dead, he would feel much more than regret. It would be like it had been when he was still loyal to Heaven, when he had turned Anna over to the angels – only worse.

"Yeah, well, you should," said Dean.

"If there was time, if I was strong enough, I'd - I'd fix him now," Castiel said. He wanted it more than anything, but he had a feeling that he barely had enough energy left to send the souls back to Purgatory. The Leviathans were sapping his power, he could feel it. He wouldn't survive this. How could he have let this go on for so long? "I just wanted to make amends before I die."

"Okay," Dean said tersely.

"Is it working?"

"Does it make you feel better?" asked Dean.

"No," admitted Castiel. "You?"

"Not a bit," said Dean.

A few minutes later, everything was ready. "Okay, step right up, Cas," said Bobby, performing the spell. "Ianua magna purgatorii, clausa est ob nos lumine eius ab oculis nostris retento sed nunc stamus ad limen huius ianuae magnae et demisse fideliter perhonorifice paramus aperire eam."

The wind howled. A giant black hole erupted in the wall where Dean and Bobby had drawn the symbols a few minutes before.

Castiel looked back at Dean, tired but determined. "I'm sorry, Dean," he said again.

"Creaturae terrificae quarum ungulae et dentes nunquam tetigerunt carnem eius ad mundum nostrum nunc ianua magna, aperta tandem!"

The souls cascaded out of him in a burst of light. He felt lighter, somehow, as the power finally left him. It was a relief.

And everything went black.

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

He was alive. He was _him_ again. The power was gone.

 _So much pain. "_ That was unpleasant," he said, attempting to stand.

"Let's get him up," said Dean. "Easy, there."

"I'm alive," Castiel said, still in shock. _And me again._

"Looks like," Bobby said.

"I'm astonished," Castiel said with relief. "Thank you - both of you."

"We were mostly... just trying to save the world," said Bobby.

There it was. The guilt. Overwhelming. He _wanted_ to die. He was happy to be alive, but he was sure he didn't deserve it. How many had he killed? How many of his own kind… all in the name of justice, of _God._ It sickened him.

"I'm ashamed," he said. "I really overreached."

"You think?" Dean snapped.

"I'm gonna find some way to redeem myself to you," he said. He would start with healing Sam, when his powers weren't so depleted. A week, perhaps.

"All right, well, one thing at a time," Dean said. "Come on. Let's get you out of here. Come on."

"I mean it, Dean," he said.

"Okay. All right. But let's go find Sam, okay?"

And then he felt them. The Leviathans. They'd held on! They'd made sure to wait until the eclipse was over to make their presence known. Now they were making an almighty effort, more than ever before. "Let us out! Let us out! You are nothing now, without your souls!"

"You need to run now!" Castiel screamed. "I-I can't hold them back!"

"Hold who back?"

"They held on inside me," Castiel explained breathlessly. "Dean, they're so strong."

"Who the hell -?"

"Leviathan!" Castiel screamed, and he could feel them, coming coming out through his mouth, his nose, everywhere. He was done for. "I can't fight them. Run!"

He knew he wasn't coming back this time. His vision clouded, and he remembered Team Free Will – Dean, Sam, Ember, and himself. _Ember._


	19. S7 Part 2, Crazy Cas

**Author's Note: I enjoy writing "Crazy Cas." I feel like his thoughts would have been disjointed, and nothing would have made sense. If I were completely true to the character, I would have put a lot more in about different animals and plants and nature, but I didn't want to be obnoxiously boring. Anyway, let me know what you think in reviews! I don't own Supernatural.**

 **Also as a side note I usually don't like labeling anyone as "crazy", as I believe strongly that "Normal is a setting on the washing machine." However, as there isn't exactly a real-life comparison for Castiel's affliction, I don't feel bad about calling him "crazy."**

 **March 26**

Emmanuel knew there was something missing. His memory of most of his life was missing. He had a feeling, however, that he didn't want to know about the things he couldn't remember. He liked his life with Daphne. He liked doing God's work. He was happy.

Since he had met Dean, and the demon Meg, however, the feeling of "something missing" had increased. Why was he so comfortable with this man he barely knew? Why did he trust him when he said that the demon girl was a friend? Why had those two gone off together to talk in hushed voices? And who was this "Cas" that Dean had spoken of, that had betrayed his brother so badly, and why did this name seem so familiar as well?

Quietly, Emmanuel approached Dean and the demon. "You know what he did," Dean was saying. "And you want to tell him and just hope that he takes it in stride? He could snap, he could… disappear! Who knows?"

Emmanuel had known it, somehow. He had known it all along. "I gather we know each other?"

Dean looked upset, but the demon girl was calm. "Just a dollop," she said sarcastically.

Emmanuel knew what he had to do. "You can tell me. I'll be fine."

"How do you know?" Dean said irritably. "You just met yourself, I've known you for years!"

"You're an angel," Meg said.

"I'm sorry," Emmanuel said. "Is that a flirtation?" But there was something so familiar about her words that he knew it wasn't.

"No, it's a species," said the demon. "A very powerful one."

He knew this. He didn't even need to look at Dean for confirmation.

"She's not lying," Dean said. "Okay? That's why you heal people. You don't eat. I'm sure there's more."

This explained everything. All of the things that Daphne had said were so very strange about him…

"Why wouldn't you tell me?" Emmanuel said slowly. It was a lot to process, but he knew there was more still that Dean wasn't telling him. "Being an angel… it sounds pleasant."

"It's not, trust me," Dean said. "It's bloody. It's corrupt. It's not pleasant."

"He would know," the demon said. "You used to fight together. Bestest friends, actually."

"We're… friends?" Emmanuel said. And Dean's face told him everything he needed to know, and he understood. "Am I… Cas?" There was no answer, and he took this as an affirmative. "I… I had no idea. I don't remember you, I'm sorry."

"Look… you got the juice," the demon woman said. "You can smite every demon in that lot." She gestured to the hospital where Dean's brother was being kept, which was surrounded by demons in human meatsuits.

He had known this too, somehow, though he didn't want to admit it. For the first time since he could remember, his life was starting to make sense… and suddenly, he desperately didn't want it to. "But I don't remember how," he said.

"It's in there," Dean said, coming closer to him. "I'm sure it's just like riding a bike."

"I don't know how to do that either," Emmanuel replied frankly. But he looked at Dean, who was so sure of him. "All right, I'll try," he said.

And as he smote the demons, he remembered. _"I am the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition"… "Hey, assbutt!" … "I'm sorry, Dean…"_

The first thing he felt, once the demons were gone, was an overwhelming sense of guilt.

And suddenly, a new feeling came over him, as he was enveloped suddenly in a fierce hug. _Ember._ And he remembered. " _I may be a half-demon, but I'm pretty sure I'm more righteous than you today."… "Now I understand these feelings I've always had for you. For a moment I was scared I was actually attracted to a demon!"_ And, more recently, " _Don't you have demons to fraternize with, or angels to betray, or Heaven to take over or something?"_

"I remember you," he told the group fiercely, separating painfully from her hug. He wanted it desperately, he realized, but he didn't deserve it. "I remember everything. What I did. What I _became_. Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because Sam is dying in there," Dean said.

"Because of me!" Castiel exclaimed. "Everything! All these people! I shouldn't be here." And he walked away, because that was all he knew how to do.

"Cas! Cas!" Dean and Ember yelled, chasing after him.

"If you remember, then you know you did the best you could at the time!" Dean yelled after him.

" _Don't_ defend me," Castiel snapped at Dean. "Do you have any idea the death toll in Heaven? On Earth?" _Hundreds…_ "We didn't part friends, Dean!"

"So what?" Dean said.

"I _deserved_ to die," he answered shortly. "I can't possibly fix it. So why did I even walk out of that river?" _Why am I still here?_

"Maybe to fix it," said Dean, and Ember nodded, reaching out to hold Castiel's hand. He flinched back, suddenly scared, and she put her hand in her pocket, shooting him a hurt look. _I can never fix it_.

"Wait," said Dean. And from the trunk, he pulled out Castiel's old trench coat. _You saved it? Even though I had betrayed you?_

Castiel couldn't fix everything he had done. But he'd do what he could to fix Sam.

What he could do, however, was not much. Apparently he'd done too good a job, way back when he was determined to open Purgatory.

"What do you mean you _can't_?" snapped Dean, and Ember put her head in her hands next to him.

"I mean there's nothing left to rebuild."

"Why not?" Dean asked.

"Because it crumbled," Castiel said. "The pieces got crushed to dust by whatever's happening inside his head right now."

"So you're saying there's nothing? That he's gonna be like that until his candle blows out?" Dean asked.

"I'm sorry," Castiel said. "This isn't a problem I can make disappear. And you know that." _This is my mess_ , Castiel thought. _I can take it upon myself… I owe that much to him…_ "But I may be able to shift it," Castiel told Dean.

"Shift?" said Dean.

"Yeah, it would get Sam back on his feet." He sat down at Sam's bedside, flinching at the man's crazy eyes. "It's better this way," he said. "I'll be fine."

"Cas?" Ember said, starting forward, but Castiel held up a hand, and she stopped.

"Wait, Cas, what are you doing?" asked Dean.

"Now Sam, this may hurt," Castiel said, facing the scared man on the bed. "And if I can't tell you again, I'm sorry I ever did this to you." Castiel took one long look at Ember and Dean as he took in Sam's pain. Ember looked scared, and Castiel wondered if she was scared for Sam, or for him.

After that, all he saw was Lucifer, for a very long time.

 **April 28**

It might have been a few days, or weeks, or months; Castiel didn't know.

Sometimes Lucifer was there. His older brother taunted him, jeered him, and called to him mercilessly. Other times, there was only merciful blackness.

Castiel was not a human like Sam, however; he was an angel. And being an angel allowed him more ability to control his own mind than that which was possessed by the younger Winchester brother. Unfortuntely, it also allowed him more power. So Castiel did what was best for humanity, while also serving his penance – he remained asleep, plagued with dreams of Lucifer.

Then one day something changed – a shift in angelic power of some sort. He could feel it, somehow, and it lessened Lucifer's control over his mind just enough so that he felt that he was safe to wake.

It felt… it felt like it had felt after he returned from being tortured in Heaven. There were pieces of his mind that were missing… no, that wasn't right. It was more like… there were _places_ in his mind that he shouldn't access, because they had been touched by Lucifer. These places in his mind that he should never again access were the places he needed to think clearly, but it was a small price to pay for… something.

"Hiya, Clarence." There was a demon with him, but she was smiling. He knew her. She smelled good. "You are the demon I kissed," he said, recognizing her. Was she still on his side?

Memories were okay. He remembered who he was, what he was, and what had happened to him in the past. He couldn't put all of the memories together at once, and they didn't mean anything, but they seemed in tact, at least. But planning, judgment… these were some of the places in his mind that he could no longer access. What would he do if this demon was no longer an ally? An escape plan which was safe both for him and others was beyond his mental capacity.

"I'm also the demon that's been watching over you for the past month, Feathers," she said. "Guess I'll call the flannel crew and tell 'em you're awake."

Relief flooded through Castiel, and then, for whatever reason, he thought of oranges. The demon smelled like an orange.

A few hours later, Ember came to see him. Ember smelled exactly like he remembered, of oranges and demon and something ethereal that he couldn't place. He was no longer afraid of enjoying her presence, though he made sure not to get too close to her lest he be tempted like the demons.

Dean and Sam came to see him as well, and they had the angel tablet with them. He talked with them about the angel tablet, and about a cat's penis, and he told a joke. Meg and Dean had started to yell, so he dropped the tablet because it was too loud. Dean had become angry with him. Then Dean had thrown the "Sorry" board game across the table, and Castiel had only been trying to tell him how sorry he was…

And then there were angels, and they wanted answers, but Castiel couldn't reach that part of his mind. It was shut off for a reason, and he couldn't go there, he _wouldn't_ , it was too painful… "There are still many things I can teach you," he said desperately. "I can offer… well… perspective!"

"Here," he said, suddenly having an idea. "Pull my finger."

But there was no light to blow out… "Meg will get another light, and I'll blow it out again, and this time it'll be funny. And we'll all look back and laugh."

Even Castiel knew how crazy he sounded. Then he heard Dean's voice, and he was banished, along with the rest of the angels.

 **April 29**

Dogs were barking everywhere.

Castiel called Meg, and she told them where she was currently, with the Winchesters in the Impala in Minnesota.

Castiel liked being with friends again. There was a new human, too, a prophet. The angels were gone, and Ember would come by from time to time, and Meg would look after him.

He was going to be okay.

 **May 1**

"You seem troubled," Castiel commented, watching Sam. "Of course, that's a primary aspect of your personality, so I sometimes ignore it."

"Okay," said Sam uncertainly. "Um... right now I'm just wondering about you."

Castiel was happy. He was with friends. "What about me?"

Then he understood. "You're worried about the burden I lifted from you."

"I think I was done for," Sam admitted. "Do you see Lucifer?"

"I did at first," Castiel said. "But that was... It was a projection of yours, I think, sort of an aftertaste. Now I more see... well, everything." It was difficult to explain, and the words wouldn't come to his mouth. He saw more, because he looked more. He was no longer in battle. He was _enjoying himself._ Did that makes sense?

He could feel Meg watching him from across the room. "It's funny," Castiel said. "I was – I was done for, too." He paused, and thought hard. It was difficult to make words come out the right way, but things seemed clearer somehow, here with friends. He could sense that this was important to get right.

"The weight of all my mistakes, all those lives and souls lost, I... I couldn't take it, either. I was… I was lost until I took on your pain. It's strange to think that that helped, but –…"

He was happy now. He was serving his penance. He was a penitent angel, no longer a warrior.

"I know you never did anything but try to help," Sam said. "I realize that, Cas, and I'm grateful. We're all grateful. And we're gonna help you get better, okay? No matter what it takes."

"What do you mean, 'better'?" Castiel asked. He was in penance, and he was happy… what was wrong with that?

 **May 4**

Meg had killed an angel for him, before he was killed. They couldn't stay at the cabin anymore, with the Winchesters. He was safe, with Meg. She said he was her unicorn. He wasn't sure what that meant, but it seemed to make her happy.

He didn't know what to do now, but perhaps he would watch the bees. He couldn't do much, because he was in penance, and because he couldn't make thoughts run straight most of the time. Meg seemed to make things a bit clearer, somehow.

 **May 14**

Bees were beautiful. He was with them when Dean and Ember called to him. He liked to watch them climb over him. He had found that if he spent some time enjoying himself, he was more able to do so when he really had to focus.

Meg said he had "moments of clarity", and "moments of crazy."

"Cas!" Dean cried in alarm when he appeared in the Impala.

"What the fuck!" Ember yelled.

"What is wrong?" Castiel said, staring at them out the window, perplexed. He looked at the bees, crawling around his naked vessel. "Aren't they magnificent? It's true perfection, really, the way they each carry out their jobs and live to be harmonious, all consistently working nonstop for the bigger picture!"

"Look, Cas, uh, maybe you should go back to where you were before and put some clothes on, and give the bees back, and then head back here. Do you think you can do that?" Ember was avoiding looking at him.

Perhaps he was too naked.

"Oh, I suppose," he said, and disappeared again.


	20. S7 Part 3, Purgatory

**Author's Note: I figured I would include this adorable scene between Benny, Dean, and Cas as a point of foreshadowing. Let me know what you think in the reviews! I don't own Supernatural.**

 **May 20**

Sam, Dean, and Ember wanted him to fight. Meg wanted him to fight, too, against the Leviathans. His friends were forming their final stand, taking up arms… and he was worthless.

Even the demon, Crowley, wanted him to fight. "Given the particulars of your enemy, sadly you're vital." What had he meant? Castiel felt as though he should know the answer to this question, but it continued to escape him.

He _couldn't_ fight! Half of the time he couldn't even focus… how could they expect him to fight? Perhaps because he had always fought before… but hadn't that been the problem? He had done horrible things, while he was fighting…

Castiel sat in the trees outside the cabin playing Connect Four by himself. The games helped him focus. They helped him think about less important things, and he thought perhaps this helped him focus on the more important things when he had to think about them. But perhaps this was wrong, and things were upside down.

Ember was coming near him, and Ember scared him far more now than she used to, because he didn't trust himself to control his attraction to her anymore. "I don't like when you come near me," he said to her honestly.

She gave him a hurt look. "Whatever, asshole, I'll leave then."

"Wait!" he said, confused. "Did I say something to hurt you?"

She looked at him strangely, then shook her head. "Cas, you just told me you didn't like having me around."

"No," he said frankly. "I said I don't like it when you _come near me._ I know what I said. I don't trust myself. You smell good."

Ember smiled, and, alarmingly, sat on the ground right in front of Castiel. He thought his message had been clear.

"What are you doing?"

"I trust you," she said.

Castiel squirmed backward, just slightly, so that her smell wasn't quite so intoxicating, and she didn't follow. Instead, she said, "Cas, without you, we can't tell which Leviathan is Dick."

"I won't fight."

"Fine. I get that. But Cas, you can do math, right? And probabilities?"

"I still know my math." He thought for a second. "Did you know that all animals use simple math in some way?"

"Cas," Ember said, and his focus whipped back to the half-demon girl. "With you, this plan _might_ fail. _Without_ you, this plan _will_ fail. Got that?"

"I don't trust-…"

"You fucked up, Cas," Ember said, moving near him again. "It's called _forgiveness_. Isn't that what you angels are supposed to be about? I'm pretty sure there was something in the Bible about God being about forgiveness, at least. Or, in the new testament, anyway. Look, the point is, I trust you. You should trust yourself."

And then she did the kindest thing she had ever done for him, and kissed him on the cheek. He scrambled backward from her again, alarmed.

"See?" Ember said. " _Trust yourself_. We need you."

And she walked away, the mark of her lips still burning the angel's cheek.

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

Everything seemed clearer somehow. Forgiveness… _"I trust you. You should trust yourself."_ He played Uno and tried to think.

Ember's lips still burned on his cheek, and it helped him to focus, because it was one solid thing, still palpable.

Dean walked over to him. "Cas, I need a wingman."

"Dean..."

"You don't want to jump into the jaws of death, that's... fine. How about we run a little errand?"

Dean gave him an address, and Castiel could still fly, at least. When they arrived, Castiel could see Dean's Impala under a tarp.

It was under a tarp because of the Leviathans, Castiel realized. Dean had had to go under cover.

Things were clearer now… sharper. "Dean…?"

"Cas, we've been over it," Dean said. "I get it – you can't help."

Castiel felt as though he was sifting through mud. "If we attack Dick and fail, then you and Sam die heroically, correct?"

"I don't know. I guess."

"And at best, I die trying to fix my own stupid mistake. Or... I don't die – I'm brought back again. I see now. It's a punishment resurrection. It's worse every time."

Perhaps he had been avoiding thinking… avoiding feeling… because he didn't want to feel _this._

"I'm sorry. Uh, we're talking about God crap, right?" asked Dean.

"I'm not good luck, Dean," Castiel said. It was something he had wanted to say for months, but hadn't quite known how.

"Yeah, but you know what? Bottom of the ninth, and you're the only guy left on the bench... Sorry, but I'd rather have you, cursed or not. And anyway, nut up, all right? We're all cursed. Do I seem like good luck to you?"

Something shifted, just slightly. There was less mud, and Castiel's head was clearer still. He stared at Dean incredulously. "Well, I don't want to make you uncomfortable, but I detect a note of forgiveness," he said.

"Yeah, well, I'm probably gonna die tomorrow, so..."

"Well, I'll go with you. And I'll do my best." He had avoided for too long, crawled under the sand for _too long._

 **May 21**

Castiel's mind was clearer than it had been in nearly a year. It was like waking up from a fog. There were still times when he thought about animals, but it had happened much less often, even over the past 24 hours…

Dean's plan was simple. How could Castiel have considered not going with them? He understood, now: he was the only one who could identify which Leviathan was truly their leader. It was so obvious to him, yet the others seemed completely unaware, even Ember.

And so finally, with Castiel's help, they cornered the Leviathan's leader: Dick Roman. He had a longer name, a very old name - one that even Castiel could barely pronounce, and one that only Castiel knew. Everyone who mattered used the name of the human he had killed and copied, the business mogul Dick Roman.

"You sure I'm even me, Dean?" said Dick Roman. The others saw the human business mogul, but Castiel saw only the black maw of the Lead Leviathan, the gnashing, twisting evil.

"No," Dean said. "But _he_ is." Dean gestured at Castiel, who was behind him.

Then there was fighting, and a scramble, and then Dean had stabbed the weapon they had specially prepared through the neck of the Dick Roman Leviathan.

Castiel knew what was going to happen a second before it did. He should've warned them… he should've _known_. How could he be so _stupid?_ Just like usual. Stupid, stupid, stupid, failure. Fallen. Of _course_ Dean would be sucked into Purgatory… But he had only just awoken from the fog today, and even then perhaps not completely…

Without thinking, Castiel stepped into the maw with Dean. He would follow Dean anywhere…

 **Purgatory, Day 1**

It was Purgatory, as he suspected.

He was sharp again. He was himself.

And in his sharpness, he realized… an _angel_ , in _Purgatory_ … he would be a beacon. Now that he was here, he understood that. He thought briefly about Ember and her demon attraction issues.

He did not regret coming here. It was part of his penance… that, he knew for certain. He had to make sure that Dean found a way out. But, he had to do it from a distance.

"Wake up," said Castiel, staring down at his friend.

Dean opened his eyes and sat up.

"Good. We need to get out of here."

"Where are we?"

"You don't know?" Castiel asked.

"Last I remember, we ganked Dick."

"And where would he go in Death?"

"Wait. Are you telling me...?"

"Every soul here is a monster. This is where they come to prey upon each other for all eternity."

"We're in Purgatory? How do we get out?"

"I'm afraid we're much more likely to be ripped to shreds," Castiel said.

He could feel them. They were all converging on this place. Several of them were coming at once… for the _angel._ He would run them off, away from Dean.

 **Purgatory, Day 259**

Dean had not allowed himself to be separated from Castiel.

Castiel had tried. He had tried to stay a few steps ahead of Dean, always leading the monsters away. Dean prayed to him all the time. _"Castiel, please. Why aren't you answering my prayers? I know you can hear me." … "Cas, what the hell? You're in here too, why are you staying away? I forgave you, but I swear I'm regretting it…"_

Dean had caught up with him on Day 73, and refused to be parted with him since. Castiel had explained a million times that he led the monsters toward them like a beacon, like Ember. Still, Dean followed.

Dean had made a friend by the time he caught up with Castiel, a friend that had helped him survive – a vampire named Benny. Benny and Castiel didn't always get along, but ultimately they tolerated each other. They had to – this was Purgatory, and they fought side by side, for better or for worse. Benny and Dean had hatched a plan to get out of Purgatory, and Castiel had to admit that it had possibility, if they could ever find the seam between worlds. He didn't plan on going with them. He was happy here, serving his penance for what he had done. This was where he belonged.

He didn't tell Dean, because Dean would have attempted to convince him to leave with them. He thought Benny knew, though. Sometimes the vampire looked at him strangely, and he thought that on some base level, they understood each other. He thought that perhaps Benny was like him – desperate for redemption. Like him, Dean was the only true friend Benny had had in a very long while.

Most of the time, the trio fought the monsters. From time to time they attempted to stay in one place and rest, but it never lasted for long. There were things they could do to keep themselves safe from most monsters, but no one shelter ever worked for _all_ monsters, and nothing worked for the Leviathans. Besides, shelter was not necessary – none of them ever slept, and the environment was always the same.

Sometimes, they would talk. When they had a moment away from monsters, they would talk about Earth, about their experiences, and about happier times. Dean talked often of Ember, and even more often of Sam. He and Benny discussed sex often, and Castiel tuned them out. He didn't want to hear about sex, and he especially didn't want to hear about sex with Ember.

Sometimes, there were bad days. Monsters kept coming, and there was no rest. Dean seemed to enjoy these days, almost. He said it "kept him sharp," and that he "needed to kill something." He said Purgatory was "pure." Benny seemed to accept these days as par for the course, but on the worst days he made snappish comments in Castiel's direction. For his part, Castiel attempted to take the brunt of the fighting, to draw the monsters away from Dean and Benny whenever possible, and to try to stay positive.

Day 259 was the worst day yet. They had run into no less than 8 Leviathans, and Castiel had been forced to use every ounce of his angel power to keep them at bay. He was depleted, and it would take more than a week before he could even hope to use his powers again.

"Dean, it's never been this bad before," said Castiel, leaning against a tree after the fight. "I beg you, _please_ leave me behind. If we run into another group of Leviathans, we have _no chance._ "

"And what about you?" asked Dean. "What will you do, without _us_ there?"

"I'll catch up with you in a week or so," he said, "when my powers have returned."

"You won't _last_ a week, Cas," said Dean, "And you _know_ it."

"I still don't understand how you two are such good friends," Benny mumbled, shaking his head. "Considering everything."

Dean and Cas turned to look at him. Benny grinned. "I mean, _how_ many times have you betrayed each other?"

Both of them started talking at once.

"I feel that we have grown-…" started Castiel.

"That's all been dealt-…" started Dean.

"Not to mention being in love with the same girl," added Benny in his thick southern drawl.

They looked at each other in shock, and Benny gave a sideways grin at Castiel.

"What do you mean?" both men asked at once.

Then Dean said, "Dude, I thought you were, like, _over_ that?"

"There's nothing to get _over,"_ said Castiel. "It's simply her demon and angel attraction issues… that's all."

"That hasn't… gone away?" Dean asked.

"Well, no," said Castiel, honestly. "It is a part of who she is."

"But I thought, after Lucifer was gone… it was… you know… not as _potent,"_ said Dean, a slightly irritated look in his eyes.

"I'm not sure," Castiel said. "She attracts angels and demons. That's all there is to it."

Dean shrugged. "Well… you know… we're broken up anyway," he said, looking at Benny to signal the end of the conversation.

"And I am an angel, and she is a half-demon who attracts angels and demons," Castiel confirmed.

"Okay, if you say so," said Benny.

Dean raised his eyebrow, and Castiel said frustratedly, "What?"

Benny looked between the two of them, genuine shock showing on his face. He sighed. "I'm hundreds of years old," he said. "I've been around awhile. I'm a vampire. I know the difference between supernatural love and… whatever it is you feel for her, angel-boy."

Castiel shook his head. "You're wrong," he said. "I have Fallen, but I'm still an angel."

Dean looked at him suspiciously, but nodded.

After that conversation, Castiel noticed that Dean stopped talking about Ember quite as often.

 **Purgatory, Day 501**

They had found the seam, a blue, glistening thing in the otherwise drab forest landscape.

Castiel had come to dread this day, though he had worked tirelessly for it alongside Dean and Benny. Despite Dean's claims, he doubted the portal would work for angels. Now that he was near it, he knew this for sure; he could already feel his magic rejecting it; he wanted away from it. Benny's soul could hitch a ride in Dean's arm, and Dean could slide through the seam because it was made for humans, but Castiel had no soul. He was stuck here, for eternity.

As he should be. It was his penance, and he must serve it, for the sins he had committed on Earth and in Heaven. The best he could do, then, was help Dean and Benny escape.

Then he would serve his penance for eternity.


	21. S8 Part 1, A Kiss to Break the Spell

**Author's Note: It kind of broke my heart to leave out the Megstiel scene in this chapter. I am a huge shipper of Megstiel, but I couldn't find a way to work it in with Ember. It just didn't seem right. My love for Megstiel is undying though.**

 **Also, this being the first kiss was completely unplanned, it just sort of came to me. I'd wanted it earlier, actually, but it didn't fit until here. The full story is in the sister fic, Ember: Half-Demon, Half-Human. I don't own Supernatural.**

 **November 14**

After Dean and Benny had left Purgatory, Castiel had run, endlessly. He had lost track of the days he was there, though before Dean and Benny's escape he had been the most likely of the three to keep track of it. It was all the same now – running, and fighting, and running, and fighting.

And then one day he found himself by the side of the street in Illinois.

He had no idea how he had gotten out, though perhaps it was God – it had always been God. That didn't seem right, though – not this time.

He sought out the Winchesters immediately, though it took three days before he was able to catch up with them. He hadn't been restored at full power, and he knew it would be at least a week before he was able to fly properly again.

He had been brought back from Purgatory just in time. Somehow, his old adversary the King of Hell (Crowley) had found the demon tablet, written by the Scribe of God and dictated by God himself. Castiel knew it held all sorts of secrets. Worse, Crowley had also managed to capture the prophet, Kevin, to help him translate the tablet. Castiel assisted the Winchesters in rescuing Kevin, but he was only able to obtain half of the tablet, while Crowley hung on to the rest. Castiel wished he could have done more, however he still wasn't at full power.

The prophet Kevin revealed that there were other tablets, and also that the demon tablet revealed a way to shut the demons in Hell forever. Castiel knew what this would mean to the Winchesters, and he was willing to help. Perhaps he was needed here on Earth… perhaps his penance was over.

 **November 27**

"Cas!" Ember exclaimed, and jumped into his arms.

Castiel had forgotten how she made him feel, and so his senses were immediately assaulted by her smell – citrus, and demon, and whatever that bit of her was that made him so damn attracted to her. It was worse than ever now. It hadn't been like this, he reflected, since sometime before the Apocalypse. After that he had become a seraph, and then he had tried to become God. And then he had let out the Leviathans, and then he had been crazy, and then he had been in Purgatory.

It had been just under two years since he had last been this close to her, and he had been so distracted at the time by realizing his true identity, rather than the miracle-healer Emmanual, that he hadn't felt her presence as potently as usual. It had been just under five years, before the Apocalypse, since they'd spent more than five minutes together one-on-one.

 _Perfect. It was all perfect._

"Cas," Ember said gently, and Castiel realized that he still had his arms around her.

"Sorry," he mumbled, extricating himself and feeling strangely cold.

"I'm glad you were finally able to come," she said, ignoring the awkward moment. "Sam and Dean have gotten to hang out with you for a week now, but I've been so busy with work, I haven't been able to get away to come visit."

Castiel nodded. "They're out getting food now," he said. "I needed some time to recover since we took back the prophet, but I came to see you as soon as I could properly fly again."

"Good. I mean, it's been, what, like, _five years_ since we sat and talked… like, _really_ talked?" Ember asked, echoing his earlier thoughts. "I've got food, but I know how you are."

Castiel smiled, happy to simply watch her scurry around her kitchen. She grabbed a beer and brought it to him, knowing that it was the only human food or beverage that he even halfway enjoyed.

"No idea how you got out of Purgatory, then?" she asked when they were both settled with drinks.

"None," he said, watching the way her hair swung as she talked. "I've thought perhaps God… but somehow it doesn't feel right."

Ember shook her head. "Your grace seems brighter now," she commented. She tilted her head somewhat and seemed to scrutinize him. "Not as bright as it was when you were God. Then it was… blinding. But… dark, somehow, too. Not angelic. Now it's just… bright. In a good way."

"It's because I'm happy," he said, without thinking, and she raised an eyebrow.

"I'm… enjoying myself," he added. "There are no wars now, and my head is clear, and I do not desire to return to Heaven and face my brothers and sisters. So I am simply exercising my free will in a way that will help others to the best of my ability."

Ember gave him a wide smile. "Good for you, Cas," she said. "Good for you."

 **Winter**

Over the winter, Castiel drifted. He was not lost – quite the contrary, in fact. He was simply enjoying himself.

First he went on a hunting excursion with the Winchesters. It was an interesting endeavor, and they encountered Fred Jones, a man who possessed very strong powers of psychokinesis and could bend reality around him. Fred was elderly, however, and no longer in his right mind. The owner of the nursing home where he stayed was taking advantage of Fred's condition and manipulating him in order to rob banks, and several people had been murdered in the process. After everything had been put right, Castiel stayed to watch over Fred to ensure that he died in peace, and that no one else attempted to use him for ill. A psychchokenetic that powerful could not be left unchecked, Castiel knew, but Heaven was busy. Fred died a natural death on December 31st, and Castiel felt that finally, he had done something right.

When he wasn't with Fred, Castiel spent time with the Winchesters, with Ember, or simply righting various wrongs in the world. He did quiet things, such as feed the homeless, heal the occasional pious sick person, and kill the occasional demon when he ran across them. He spent a memorable Christmas with the Winchesters, only slightly marred by the fact that Ember was apparently back together with Dean.

Castiel had thought many times of going back to Heaven. At first he was scared. It was like he told Dean. "When I was… bad… and I had all those things, the Leviathans, writhing inside me… I caused a lot of suffering on Earth, but I _devastated_ Heaven. I vaporized thousands of my own kind, and I can't go back."

"'Cause if you do, the angels will kill you," Dean confirmed.

"Because if I see what Heaven's become, what I made of it, I'm afraid I might kill myself."

 **January 16**

He had been curing a hernia in a baby when he heard Samandriel's distress call on angel radio. _Had he really heard that on angel radio? He had turned angel radio off, and it was still turned off…_

He had recruited Sam, Dean, and Ember to help him rescue Samandriel. He remembered that Samandriel had watched over Ember, a long time ago. He remembered that the angel had seemed bored with the job and wanted to see battle…

Just as they were about to confront Crowley and a screaming Samandriel, however, a horrible ringing started in Castiel's ears. He remembered, suddenly… sharp pain, and screaming, and an angel called Naomi… There was a silver tool, coming closer, and closer… The screams coming from Samandriel became his own, from a distant memory, and Castiel was frozen in fear.

And then Samandriel had been dead in his arms. Samandriel had come toward him, crazed from the torture he had undergone, and Castiel had killed him in self-defense. _That's not right, either. Samandriel wouldn't do that. You know him. The memories aren't right… There's something he said, something important, and it's been forgotten…_

And he was crying blood…

Suddenly the urge to go to Heaven was overwhelming. _None of this makes sense._

 **Heaven**

 _He was surrounded by Dean Winchester, dead. He was numb, so numb. This wasn't real. It was of no consequence._

 _"_ _Finally, you're ready," said Naomi._

 _This was wrong._

 **March 20**

Castiel was doing Heaven's bidding. He was a righteous angel again. He was no longer a Fallen.

 _That's what you thought last time._

He was killing demons, and searching for the angel tablet. The demons had told him it was in Lucifer's crypt.

 _When did he receive these instructions?_

He should've known Sam and Dean would catch up with him. He hadn't exactly been quiet about killing the demons.

There was something different about Sam. He was sick, very sick… it wasn't his concern.

 _Of course it's your concern!_

The search for the angel tablet was difficult, but he was finally able to track down the hostage that had been feeding Crowley's demons information: Meg.

She looked terrible. Castiel had heard that Crowley had caught her on the same day he had been sent to Purgatory. That meant Crowley had been torturing her for over a year…

 _She took care of you… remember that?_

Fortunately, Meg had been giving Crowley and his men false locations to Lucifer's crypts, which is where the angel tablet was being kept.

"I just get them in the ballpark," she said. "Enough time's passed and enough's changed that they bought it."

"Why lie?" asked Dean.

"Buy myself some time, dummy. Try to find a way to get free."

"Wait - so... A bunch of innocent people died so you could... buy yourself some time?" asked Sam.

"Hi. I'm Meg. I'm a demon," she said sarcastically.

"So, what have they found?" asked Castiel.

"Bupkis," she said. "Every crypt's been one Al Capone's vault after another. And on top of that, someone kept picking up the trail and icing demons. I'm guessing that was you, Castiel. But Crowley just keeps sending more. He's hell-bent on finding that Angel Tablet."

 _Angel tablet… Naomi…_

 _Who was Naomi?_

Meg sighed, staring at Castiel and the brothers intensely. "I lied to the demons, which means they're digging in the wrong place. But not for long. They'll be back here soon. So, who's up for fleeing?"

"She's right," said Sam. "We need to find those crypts before they do. Meg, you're the only one who's been there."

"We need your help," agreed Castiel.

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

"Cas!" Ember exclaimed that evening, hugging him. "I haven't seen you in months! I prayed, but-…"

"I heard your prayers," he said, relishing the feel of her. "I apologize, but I was very busy."

"Sure, he's nice to _her_ ," Dean grumbled.

There was a flash of something in his head. _A silver tool, coming close to his eye… He was screaming… Naomi…_

"Cas? You okay?" Ember asked him, and he realized that he was across the room from her now, but he couldn't remember why.

"Yes, sorry," he said, straightening his trench coat. "I'm fine."

 **March 21**

It was so clear now. Now he understood. He was being mind controlled. He had known it all along, but until now he had been able to ignore it. Naomi had sent angels to break him out of Purgatory because he was a strong warrior, a seraph, and she thought she could control him with her mind control. And she had been right.

Dean had the tablet. It was in his hand. Naomi's voice was in his head. She was telling him to kill Dean, to kill Ember, if he needed to. Castiel did not want to kill Dean. He did not want to kill Ember or Dean. He had been trained to kill Dean – he knew that now, on some amount of a conscious level. He had not had training to kill Ember. The angels did not understand how he felt for her because they had never known her personally. They thought that it was no concern, because she was a half-demon. How had he hidden that from Naomi? Castiel didn't know.

But that didn't matter now. What mattered was that Dean was not giving up the angel tablet, as Naomi had commanded. "I can't let you take that, Dean," Castiel said.

"Can't or won't?" Dean asked. Ember's eyes were blown wide and fearful as she looked back and forth between the two of them.

"Both," he answered.

Dean gave a significant look to Ember, who gave no response. He paused for a second, then asked, "How did you get out of Purgatory, Cas?"

He didn't want to kill them. There had to be another way. Naomi was screaming in his head. And Castiel was advancing on Dean.

"Just tell me how you got out of Purgatory," Dean said. "Be honest with me – for the first time since you've been back – and this is yours."

"We don't trust you, Castiel," Ember said. "Something's off about you. Who's controlling you? Why did you kill Samandriel? How did you get out of Purgatory? Dean said he saw you die." She was covering Dean now, backing up with him, but both were standing their ground.

 _No. No, I don't want to. It's not a drill this time. This is real. This isn't me. I don't want to. I lo- I love her. I love them both._

"Cas," said Dean. "Cas, I don't know what the hell is wrong with you, but if you're in there and you can hear me, you don't have to do this! Cas!" But Castiel had struck out against Dean, who had put up the tablet in defense of himself. And Ember had taken the trunk that the angel tablet had come out of and used her force powers to hit Castiel over the head, but it hardly distracted him. Gone were the days when she was more powerful than him…

 _This isn't right. I won't hurt Dean. I won't hurt Ember._

But Naomi was screaming in his head, and he could feel himself fighting, as though he had no control over his body. And he remembered. " _The Apocalypse is over, and Lucifer is locked up again. Why is your demon attraction still so strong?" … "Hey, assbutt!" … "With you, this plan_ might _fail. Without you, this plan_ will _fail. Got that?"_

"Cas, fight this, this is not you!" Dean was screaming. "Fight it!"

Ember was screaming, too, and he could feel the effect of her power, but it was futile against him.

 _What have you done to me?_

"What have you done to me, Naomi?"

He only realized he had said it aloud when Dean and Ember both shouted, "Who is Naomi? Cas?"

But she was still screaming in his head. He felt his fist collide with Dean's face, and heard Ember scream, "No!" and launch herself at Castiel. He sent her flying, and she hit the other wall and screamed in pain, her leg twisting under her horribly, and sunk to the ground.

" _Castiel… I may be a half-demon, but I'm pretty sure I'm more_ righteous _than you today."_

But just as he remembered, he felt Dean's wrist crack beneath his hand. The tablet had escaped from its stone encasing, and there was thunder outside. "You want it? Take it!" Dean said, his face bloody. "But you're gonna have to kill me first. Come on, you coward. Do it. Do it!"

Why wouldn't his vessel obey him? And Ember launched herself on top of Dean, somehow, screaming in pain as she did so. But he was still hitting both of them, and he wasn't sure which one.

He felt himself raise his hand up one more time to finish them both, because he had listened too long to the resisting voice, and should have smited them both in the first place. "Cas… it's me," Dean said. "We're family. We need you… I need you."

But he could feel that he wouldn't be able to resist. And suddenly there were lips on his, and he wasn't sure how it had happened, because he hadn't seen her coming. Shock coursed through his body, and stars exploded behind his eyes, and he dropped his angel blade and his fist without realizing he was doing so, and backed up in horror.

"I'm sorry, I'm – oh, what have I done?!" he said, alarmed. As he backed up, he found the tablet on the floor, and picked it up. As he did so, he felt the last bit of Naomi's control break. _He was free again._

"Heal him!" Ember screamed from his feet, gesturing at Dean, who Castiel realized with alarm was bloody and swollen.

Castiel reached down slowly and healed both of them. "I'm so sorry," he said again.

They were both out of breath, and it took a few minutes before Dean and Ember could speak again, despite their complete healing. Castiel could still feel her lips on his, and it scared and confused him. What did it _mean?_

"What the hell just happened?" asked Dean, distracting Castiel from his thoughts.

He began to tell them about Naomi. He owed them an explanation, after all this.

"So, this "Naomi" has been controlling you since she got you out of Purgatory?" asked Dean when Castiel had finished.

"Yeah," he agreed.

"And, what?" Dean snapped. "A kiss woke you up? Was it some sort of demented sleeping beauty sort of bullshit?" Ember flinched, and had not looked him in the eyes since the kiss.

"It surprised me, that's all," Castiel lied. "A good shock seemed to be helpful."

He decided a subject change was best. "I have to protect this tablet," Castiel said.

"From Naomi?" asked Dean.

"Yes," agreed Castiel. "And from you."

"From me, what are you talking about?" But with one final look over his shoulder at Ember, Castiel flew away.


	22. S8 Part 2, Falling Angels

**Author's Note: I don't own Supernatural.**

 **I wonder what Castiel's rationale was for listening to Metatron over Naomi... I bet it was this.**

 **April**

Castiel wasn't sure whether he was running from angels or demons attempting to get the tablet, or from his feelings for Ember.

All this time he had fooled himself into thinking that his attraction to her had been supernatural, because of her demon attraction issues… But it was more than that. He knew that, now.

He longed to see her, or the Winchesters, but the tablet was too important. Noami was after him, and she was strong. He was still shaking off the vestiges of her mind control, and sometimes he could feel her, attempting to re-gain control.

He hatched a plan, finally. Biggerson's restaurants were the same all over the world – the same ugly walls and obnoxious colors. Angels would get confused. And so he hid the tablet in the safest place he knew of – inside himself – and went from Biggerson's, to Biggerson's, to Biggerson's.

He tried not to think about the kiss, but admittedly it dominated most of his thoughts.

 **May 1**

Finally, the angels found a new tactic. At the Biggerson's in Santa Fe, New Mexico, Castiel was greeted by a gruesome scene. Tables had been upturned, there was blood everywhere, and the patrons' eyes had been burned out. Only one patron was left, two dark holes where her eyes had been. "They said you have to stop. You have to stop. You have to-…"

Castiel could feel the angel blade held to his throat. The last patron must've prayed to the angels when she had heard his arrival.

"We were supposed to be their shepherds, not their murderers," he accused his captors.

"Not always, angel," said Naomi. He hated her, hated the sight of her. "There was that day, back in Egypt, not so long ago, where we slew every first-born infant whose door wasn't splashed with lamb's blood. And that was just PR."

"Well, I wasn't there."

"Oh, you were there," Naomi snapped. "You just don't remember it."

Castiel shook his head angrily. "How many times have you torn into my head and washed it clean?"

"Frankly? Too damn many," Naomi snapped.

She caused one of the chairs to slide over to her and sat down facing him. "You're the famous spanner in the works. Honestly, I think you came off the line with a crack in your chassis. You have never done what you were told. Not completely. You don't even die right, do you? Where is the angel tablet, Castiel?"

Castiel felt a swoop of pride and narrowed his eyes at her. "In the words of a good friend... bite me."

"Oh, we'll bite," Naomi said. "Don't worry."

But Castiel was a strategist, if he was nothing else. He had often wondered occasionally, many years ago, if he had missed his calling, if perhaps he should have been in intelligence. Domiel would joke about it occasionally, when she would complement him. Now, he wondered if he _would_ have been in intelligence had he not apparently been so disobedient along the way.

Naomi wouldn't find the tablet, even now that she'd found Castiel. Castiel would be tortured, perhaps, until he gave away the location. He had planned for this, too, and he had the power to escape. He had to wait, though, for a time when he wasn't being watched by at least three angels including Naomi, and until he had time to figure out where to go next. His safe houses were no good – Naomi would've learned about them in her raid on his mind.

Then Crowley appeared. "Naomi, darling," he said in his British accent, pulling a gun. "Miss me?"

He gestured toward his gun. "Do you like it? I had my R&D people melt down one of your angel blades, cast it into bullets. Seems to do the trick."

"How dare you!" Naomi snapped.

"I'm the daringest devil you've ever met, love," he said.

Naomi began to prepare for an attack, but Crowley aimed the gun at her. "We've been here before, haven't we? Let's see who blinks first."

Crowley shot, and Naomi disappeared.

Castiel was (in the words of Dean) screwed, and he knew it. He hadn't expected this. Crowley couldn't have known where he was unless one of the angels present was acting as a spy for the demons. This would also mean that Crowley would have demons as back-up hanging around outside if things went awry. Crowley was also a strategist, like him – he would probably guess that Castiel had hidden the tablet inside of himself.

Yup, he was screwed.

 **May 12**

Castiel had caught a lucky break. Crowley had left abruptly to deal with a (very timely) emergency situation. Castiel had barely managed to get the jump on the angel that had been working for Crowley and escape. In the process, he had been shot in the stomach with an angel bullet, and lost the tablet to Crowley.

It was another failure, in a long string of them. He missed being the Fallen angel that had stopped the Apocalypse. He would never make up for what he had done while he was playing God. Now, he couldn't even keep the angel tablet out of the hands of demons.

Castiel knew it would be at least a week until he had healed properly from the bullet, which had been created specifically for angels. His safe houses were useless, so he headed to the bunker to heal.

 **May 13**

As sick as Castiel felt, he was alarmed to return to the bunker and find that Sam was worse. He had known that his friend was undergoing a series of trials elaborated on the demon tablet that Kevin, the prophet, had been translating. The eventual plan was to close the Gates of Hell and trap all demons in Hell forever. Sam was about to attempt the third of the three trials, which was (apparently) to cure a demon. Castiel wasn't sure if Sam would survive the trials, however – he was getting worse by the day, and it was a sickness of the soul, one that even Castiel couldn't heal, at least not immediately.

He tried to discuss this matter with Dean, but Dean wasn't speaking to him. "I'm sorry," Castiel said.

"For what?"

For becoming God. For knocking down the wall that kept Sam's mind in tact. For letting the Leviathans in. For beating the crap out of Dean a month previously while under Naomi's mind control. "For everything."

"Like, uh… like ignoring us?" Dean snapped.

There had been several prayers, he realized, while he had been at Biggerson's… but the tablet had been too important. (As though that had done any good.)

"Yes," agreed Castiel.

"Or like kissing my girlfriend, bolting off with the angel tablet, and then losing it," Dean said, "because you didn't trust me."

"You're not officially dating," Sam reminded Dean.

"Yes," Castiel agreed again. "Although to be fair, I didn't kiss her," he added, because it was the only thing he wasn't sorry for. "She kissed me."

"You can take your little apology and you can cram it up your ass," Dean told him.

"Dean," he protested. "I thought I was doing the right thing."

"Yeah, you always do," said Dean.

 **May 16**

Dean was still angry with him.

The brothers had left on a mission to complete the third trial, which was to cure a demon. Dean wouldn't let Castiel accompany him, nor would he pick up the phone.

Finally, Castiel went to Ember for help.

"You've certainly been a stranger," she said when he showed up in her living room. "I haven't seen you since March." _Since the kiss._

"I… have been busy."

"Yeah, Dean told me," she said, rolling her eyes.

"You're mad at me as well?" he asked. They had texted a few times, and she hadn't seemed angry...

"No," she said, sighing. "A little perturbed, maybe, but not mad."

He remained silent, signaling for her to go on.

She sighed. "Dean forgets that you're an angel, Cas. I love him, you know I do, but he never has had a proper appreciation for the fact that you're not _human._ You've lived thousands of years on your own. He has difficultly trusting anyone but himself after 30+ years, so I can't even imagine how he thinks you're supposed to do it after a few millennia.

"You look human, to him, but not to me, not entirely. You're much more than that, and he forgets that, and holds you to human standards. He forgets that angels can read minds from across the room, can kill with a touch. If I were an angel with the secrets to my species, I wouldn't trust Dean Winchester with it, either."

Castiel was taken aback. "But… he is my friend."

"And he's my… well, I don't know what we are," she admitted. "But if I were an angel with the secrets to angel coding, I'd play it close to the vest. Granted… you could've properly explained yourself. That would've been helpful."

"Yes," Castiel said, embarrassed. "I can see now how that would've made a difference."

They were silent for awhile, before Castiel said, "What should I do now?"

"It's not like you tried to become God again," Ember said, and Castiel felt another horrible stab of guilt. "He'll come around. If you really want to make up with him, it shouldn't take much. Just buy him some beer and some porn and some pie. He's really not that complicated, in some ways."

So Castiel went to the gas station to follow Ember's advice. He had never been to a gas station before, and it was difficult to navigate. And, they were out of pie.

He grabbed the attendant, frustrated. "I. Need. Pie!" he exclaimed desperately.

"Put the virgin down, Castiel," said a voice from behind him. "We need to talk."

And that was how Castiel met Metatron.

 **May 17**

Metatron had news about Heaven.

"I've been looking around, crawling through a few divine nooks and crannies, and from what I can see, without the Archangels, it's a mess up in Heaven. Open warfare. There are factions upon factions, all fighting, betraying each other. It's just a matter of time before they start ripping each other apart. It's all broken."

"I know," said Castiel guiltily. "I'm the one who broke it. There was a time when I thought I could lead our people, but I was mistaken. I spilled so much blood. And I've tried to atone for my sins and I did penance. And I betrayed my friends to protect our secrets, but I've just failed. And now –…"

"Look, I know," said Metatron. "But now the angels – Heaven – need someone to come to the rescue. They need us."

"Us?" asked Castiel, surprised and skeptical.

"Yeah," Metatron said excitedly. "Just – just picture it. We ride to the rescue, save the day – make a great story. Look, the angels are like a big, dysfunctional family. We need to lock them all in a room until we work these problems out – all the factions, you, me –…"

"What, like a big family meeting?" Castiel asked.

"Exactly," Metatron answered. "Which is why we have to shut down Heaven."

 **May 18**

Castiel was surprised at first, but the more he thought about it, the more Metatron's plan had merit. "It would stop the fighting up there from spilling out down here, which will happen. It always does."

He was right, Castiel thought. He had already seen evidence of it. There were kills every few weeks that he recognized as angel-on-angel violence, or even angel-on-human. The Winchesters didn't know about most of it, because Castiel heard the majority of it on angel radio. It was driving him mad.

Metatron said that there was a series of trials, like with the demon tablet.

"You're gonna complete these tests?" he asked.

"No. I can't," said Metatron. "I am a pencil pusher, always have been. I'm not strong enough. But you – you are a warrior. I've got the plan. You've got the muscle. We can do this. Heaven needs your help, Castiel."

"I am the one that caused these problems," he agreed. "I should be the one to fix them."

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

The first task was to kill a nephilim, a cross between an angel and a human. Castiel was highly unsure about this, and began to doubt Metatron's intentions. Still, nephilims were abominations – they were never supposed to exist. He had been taught that from Day 1.

The nephilim in question, the only one in existence, had managed to hide, somehow, or else she would've been killed long ago. Her power was low at best. Normally nephilim were twice as powerful as their angelic parent, so Castiel had to assume that her angel parent had not been very strong – perhaps a rogue cupid.

Castiel believed firmly that the nephilim in general were abominations and should be wiped out – he had heard all of the stories. This one, however, did not seem to be bothering anyone. He thought about how Ember would feel if someone judged her simply on the fact that she was a half demon. He should give this woman a chance…

Just as he made up his mind, however, the nephilim attacked Metatron, and Castiel was forced to kill her.

The first trial was complete.

 **May 19**

The second trial was to capture a cupid's bow.

Metatron knew who the next cupid was scheduled to shoot, a bartender called Dwight.

One minute they were in a bar called Doc Martin's, and the next moment Naomi had entered with a group of angels. Castiel tried to defend Metatron, but the older angel said, "Stop. Please, Castiel, don't make this any worse. Please."

And then Castiel was left alone.

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

Perhaps it was finally time to ask Dean for help.

It was the worst of timings – he knew that, as soon as he called Dean and met him at the given address. They were in the process of the third trial, and Sam was looking worse than ever.

" _Now_ , Cas, _seriously_?" Ember said to the angel.

"Little busy, Cas, take a number," Dean said.

"I'm afraid this can't wait," Castiel insisted. "Naomi has taken Metatron."

Ember looked at Dean. "Wait, the Scribe of God? I thought you said that dude was in deep cover in Colorado?"

"How do you know Metatron?" Dean asked Castiel.

"I've been working with him on the angel trials," Castiel said.

"The _what?"_ said Ember and Dean.

"We're gonna shut it all down," said Castiel. "Heaven, Hell, all of it."

"Metatron?" Dean asked in disbelief. "The guy who was full-on crazy, cat-lady-hoarder angel yesterday – now he wants to save Heaven?"

"Yes, he wants to," Castiel said. "But I'm the only one who can. I can't fail Dean, not on this one. I need your help."

"Are you sure, Cas?" Ember said. "This sounds like another half-cocked plan to me."

"Metatron is the Scribe of God," Castiel said, turning to her. "He knows what's on the tablet. Don't you think the angels should stay in Heaven for awhile? They're all fighting up there in Heaven, and eventually if Heaven isn't sealed, it's all going to spill over on Earth."

"Look, Cas, that's all well and good, okay, but you're asking me to leave Sam. And we've got Crowley in there tied and tressed. Now if anybody needs a chaperone while doing the heavy lifting, it's Sam," protested Dean.

"You should go," said Sam, walking up behind them. "Seriously."

"What, and leave you here with the King of Hell?" asked Dean.

 _Seriously? They were trying to cure Crowley?_ Castiel knew that the third trial was to cure a demon, but… _Crowley?_

But at the moment, it wasn't Castiel's concern.

"I'll be here," Ember said.

And so it was decided. Dean and Ember kissed each other goodbye, and Castiel and Dean flew away.

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

Asking Dean for help turned out to be a very good idea. As luck would have it, Dean had the angel tablet, which the brothers had gotten when they had captured Crowley. Castiel felt a sharp stab of guilt for not trusting his friends sooner, and for not being around to help.

First, they took the angel tablet back to the bunker in Kansas that Sam and Dean now called home. There, they asked the prophet, Kevin, to attempt to translate it. He was not very happy about it, but with Metatron in the angels' custody, Castiel did not have the luxury of time and social finesse.

Dean also helped him get the cupid bow. "I've been afraid to go home for some time now," admitted Gail, the cupid. "Orders used to come once a day, and now it's chaos. It all seems to be breaking down. And you think you can fix that?"

"With time, yes," said Castiel.

"Take it, then."

Two trials were complete.

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

There was one last trial, but Castiel didn't even know what it was. Metatron had been taken, and Kevin had not yet been able to decipher the angel tablet. "I think I found the Angel trials, but I don't see anything about a Nephilim or a Cupid's bow or anything like that," he told Dean and Castiel over the phone.

Suddenly, Naomi appeared in front of them. "I'm not here to fight you, Castiel. Not anymore."

"Where is Metatron?" Castiel said viciously, anger threatening to overflow.

"He told you he was going to fix Heaven, didn't he?" asked Naomi. "Murdering a Nephilim, cutting off a Cupid's bow - it's a lie, all of it. I've been in his head."

"You've been in all our heads," Castiel agreed. "That's the problem."

"No, Castiel, you're wrong," she insisted.

Castiel shook his head. For a year he had listened to her lies… no longer. "This is what you do. You twist things. I'm trying to fix Heaven. Metatron is trying to fix Heaven."

"Metatron isn't trying to fix anything," Naomi insisted. "He's trying to break it - an act of revenge for driving him away."

"Break it how?" Dean asked.

Castiel gave Dean a significant look, not wanting him to fall for Naomi's tricks. "Dean," he protested.

"Expel all Angels from Heaven, just as God cast out Lucifer," explained Naomi.

"Cast you out? To where?" Dean asked. "Hell?"

Naomi shook her head. "Here. Thousands of us, walking the Earth."

"Lies," Castiel said. He would hear no more. How long had Heaven been under Naomi's control, and no one had even known… He began to charge at her with his angel sword, but Dean grabbed his arm to stop him.

"Wait!"

"Our mission was to protect what God created," Naomi said. "I don't know when we forgot that."

She sighed, then spoke to Dean. "I want nothing more than to see you shut the Gates of Hell, but I told you that you could trust me. If Sam completes those trials, he is going to die."

"What the hell are you talking about?" asked Dean.

"I saw it in Metatron's head," Noami insisted. "It was always God's intention - the ultimate sacrifice."

She turned to Castiel, and he stared back at her, seething. "As for you, Castiel, I beg of you, stop this path. Metatron has been neutralized. If you want back in, truly, I will listen."

"She's lying," Castiel insisted. Everything she said was a lie, like Lucifer – it always had been. She'd made him kill Dean, a million times… He could barely see past his anger.

"Take me to him," demanded Dean.

"Dean -…"

"Take me to him now!"

Castiel sighed. This was getting nowhere. Kevin was at a dead end with the tablet, anyway – he would have to go after Metatron in Heaven.

Castiel brought Dean back to the church where he had first found him. "Dean, I'm not wrong," he insisted, leaving his friend to the demon trials. "I'm going to fix my home."

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

It felt like ages since Castiel had been in Heaven. It _had_ been ages since he had been there of his own volition. He missed it – _so much –_ but he didn't have the time to think about that now.

The halls were bare. He met only two angels on the short walk to Naomi's office, and he didn't even need to kill them to neutralize their power. Without the archangels, Castiel was by far one of the most powerful angels. His power rivaled that of Naomi, now that her mind control no longer worked on him.

In Naomi's office, however, he was met with a shock. Naomi lied dead on her desk, though she had only seen him a few minutes before. In the back of her neck was the drill she had used on him.

Suddenly, Castiel felt an angel sword on the back of his neck. "She told you I lied, didn't she? You should've listened to the bitch," said Metatron.

"No!" Castiel exclaimed. Metatron had caught him off guard. He felt himself strapped into the chair, despite that he was struggling with all of his might.

Metatron was stronger than Castiel had expected. Castiel was the stronger of the two, but Metatron had caught him unawares. He had talked so much about how he was a "pencil pusher", but Castiel realized now that this had been an image crafted by Metatron himself. _NO!_

"You promised!" Castiel said gruffly, looking around quickly for an escape.

"Shh!" Metatron said. "Castiel, I want you to stop thinking about master plans, Heaven and Angels, and all this. That doesn't concern you anymore."

Castiel felt his head slam back against the rest of the arm chair. Metatron made a cut on his neck, and Castiel felt his grace seeping out. _NO!_ He was horrified. _How could this have happened?_

"These were never trials, Castiel," Metatron said. "This is a spell. And what I'm taking from you now - your essence, your grace - is the last piece."

Castiel felt the cut heal, and he felt hopeless – graceless, and hopeless, and worthless. What would Dean say? What would Ember say?

"I want you to live this new life to the fullest," Metatron was saying. "Find a wife. Make babies. And when you die and your soul comes to Heaven, find me. Tell me your story."

"Hmm?" Castiel said. _Human._ He was _human!_

And then he was falling. He could feel his wings – worthless, now, since he couldn't fly – as they burned up in the atmosphere, and it was pain, pain like he'd never experienced, and he wanted only for it to end.


	23. S9 Part 1, Sins of the Flesh

**Author's Note: "I'm No Angel" is one of my favorite episodes of all time. I think it's very rare to see Castiel smile, for one thing. There's not much different in here than the actual episode, though, fair warning.**

 **I don't own Supernatural!**

 **May 20**

Castiel woke up in a forest. He was somewhere in the mountains, he knew that… perhaps Colorado. He no longer had the ability to tell exactly where he was, which was off-putting. _He was human now._

Everything ached. His back ached, his feet ached, and it wasn't the normal kind of ache, as though he was out of batteries… it was a new kind of ache, coming from his vessel. Not his vessel… not anymore. Not it was simply his _body_. Jimmy was long gone, and he was human, and now the body was _his._

A nice man helped him. The nice man almost ran him over, but then he helped him find food, and water. Water tasted different. It tasted good, and wet, and it quenched the dry fire inside him that he now recognized as thirst. Food tasted different, too – where before it had all tasted the same, now each different food tasted wonderful and unique.

There was screaming in his head, and he knew it was the angels. The one thing he still had left was angel radio, and it was the one thing he wanted to turn off, more than anything. But the angels yelled, on every channel, every frequency. They were screaming for help, all of them, thousands of voices – and it was _his fault._

When he found a payphone, Castiel called Dean.

"Cas, what the hell's going on?" Dean asked on the other end of the phone.

"Metatron tricked me. It wasn't angel trials. It was a spell. I wanted you to know that," Castiel said, saying the words as quickly as he could.

Dean hardly seemed to hear him. "Okay. That's great, but we've got ourselves a problem."

"What's wrong?" Castiel asked.

"Sam. He's, um – they say he's dying," Dean answered, and Castiel's heart dropped.

"What happened?"

"I don't know," said Dean. "I mean, first he was okay, and then he wasn't. And I – have you heard my prayers? I've been praying to you all night."

Castiel felt another sharp stab of guilt, and then shame. "Dean, Metatron – he – he took my grace."

"What?"

He didn't want to talk about it. "Don't worry about me. What are you doing for Sam?"

"Uh, everything I can," said Dean. "There's actually another angel in there working on him right now."

"What other angel?" Castiel said urgently, imagining the worst. If it was Zerekiel, or Cydiel…"

"Um, his name is Ezekiel," said Dean, and Castiel let out a breath of relief. "He's cool. I mean, I think he is."

"Yes," said Castiel, smiling slightly. Sam would be okay, then. "Ezekiel. Yes. He's a good soldier. He should be able to help until I get there."

"Wait, no, no, no," said Dean. "No, hey, that's not an option."

"It might be a few days, but –…"

"Hey, Cas, listen to me," said Dean. "There are angels out there, okay? And they're looking for you, and they're pissed."

 _And rightfully so._

 **May 21**

Dean had been right.

At first, Castiel thought that perhaps he could help the other angels who had fallen. It would help assuage some of the guilt, at least. They were all so scared, and he could help them see that there was nothing to be scared of.

But the angels were out for blood, and above all, they simply wanted to make Castiel pay.

Sam and Dean had enough trouble of their own with angels right now, and it was possible that one of the angels was keeping tabs on them somehow, waiting for Castiel to contact them… so he daren't show himself at the bunker.

Castiel was hungry, and thirsty, and tired, and guilty.

 **May 22**

Castiel wandered for 2 days. He didn't think it was possible to get any more tired or hungry than he had been, but it was. He knew his vessel – his _body_ – was losing weight. He could feel the pit of hunger in his stomach, relentless. Humans were so weak, so fragile…

He remembered a kind elderly woman, and a banana, and riding in a car, and falling asleep. "I'm an angel… no I'm not…" he had said.

"What's your name?" she had asked him.

"Cas - … Clarence," he said. "It's Clarence." And then he slipped away again.

 **May 27**

Castiel awakened in a shelter at St. Anne's Cathedral in Emory, Iowa.

The shelter was good to him. They got him toothpaste and a toothbrush, and a razer, and a few extra clothes. He hadn't realized he needed to brush his teeth, or that he needed to change his clothes and do laundry, or how easy it was to cut himself while shaving - this was all new to him. He learned quickly, though. For the first few days he simply squirted the toothpaste into his mouth, and then another man made a comment about it and he learned that he was supposed to put it on a brush first. He also learned that if he put too much soap into his laundry people looked at him strangely and he felt itchy for the next few days. Eventually he even got the hang of shaving, though he still always managed to cut himself at least once.

Humans were so complicated, Castiel thought often. There were so many bodily fluids, and feelings, and sensations! He felt completely helpless and at the mercy of his body now. He urinated and defecated at its command, and was required to eat and drink at its command as well.

The most difficult new sensation was that of sexual longing. Were it not for his experience with Ember, he would not have recognized the feeling that began to dominate his thoughts once he was eating and drinking regularly. As it was, he _did_ recognize it, but was loathe to take care of it – he had been an _angel_ , after all. He held out as long as he could, but ultimately was forced to pleasure himself simply to have some peace and quiet within his own mind. When he did, he thought of Ember, and her smell of oranges and demon and something ethereal. He found that afterward the world came rushing back, but at least he could forget, for a tiny moment, about everything, and have pleasure.

Aside from the struggle to fit in with humanity, Castiel found his place quickly at the shelter. Many of the men there had fallen ill to drugs or to mental illness, but overall they were kind. Once a man offered him something called "Mary Jane" and said it would make him "feel real good." Remembering Dean's description of the alternate universe in which he was a drug addicted human, Castiel turned down the offer.

The men at the shelter were asked to leave if they didn't assist with various tasks such as cooking, gardening, and mowing the lawn – both for the shelter and for the church and surrounding community. Castiel liked cooking the best, and learned when he could. The cooks were kind to him, and they taught him how to make the different meals that were served to the men at the shelter. He liked to taste different food, and thought that perhaps it was the sole experience that was better as a human than as an angel.

Castiel was loathe to leave the safety and comfort of the shelter, but he knew the angels would catch up with him quickly. When, five days after he had arrived, he found two priests skewered on fence spikes with their eyes burned out, he knew he had already stayed for too long.

Two wonderful men had died – _again –_ simply because he had stayed in one place for five days. He felt the guilt again, more potent than it had been since he entered the shelter - he would have to stay on the move.

 **May 29**

Castiel had hitchhiked to Indiana, then spent the past two nights with a crowd of other homeless people. It wasn't as comfortable as St. Anne's had been, but the other men had taught him some tricks, so at least he wasn't hungry. The next day he would move on again, to a new city.

He had fallen asleep on an abandoned bus when something – a bad feeling, perhaps – woke him suddenly. There was someone outside the bus, watching him…

Cautiously, angel blade in hand, Castiel got up and opened the door of the bus, but there was no one there. He turned to go back to his seat, only to be face to face with the man who had been watching him.

 _Angel._ He had known it, even though he could no longer recognize angel-kind from regular humans. Pain erupted across Castiel's shoulder, and he realized with a start that the angel had sliced him.

"You're human?" said the angel in surprise, looking at the blood.

Castiel took advantage of the angels' distraction and stabbed him in the stomach.

Time to move on again.

 **May 30**

Castiel had asked around, and found a tattoo parlor that was inexpensive. It wasn't as clean, perhaps, as it should have been, and smelled strangely, but at least it was affordable. He wouldn't eat today, but at least he could protect those who were kind enough to feed him, like the priests at St. Anne's.

 _Guilt._

The tattoo was painful, but not as much as Castiel had expected. And when it was over he could breathe freely for the first time in a week, because he knew that he could no longer be found unless he desired it.

Now he was no one.

 **June**

The days wore on. Castiel never stayed in one place long. First a soup kitchen, then a street corner, and then he would hitchhike to another town to start over. He ate food out of trash cans and through the goodness of kind humans. He slept in dark alleys, and he begged for coins.

Sometimes there were days when he helped others still. One day he gave part of the money he had found to a hungry little girl, and it made him feel good, even though he was still hungry. Another time he helped a very crazy man to the hospital where he could get help.

Most days, however, were filled with hunger, and thirst, and the crushing weight of what he had done to angel-kind.

 **June 13**

Detroit had been a good idea, in the beginning. It was a dirty city, but a big one, and people threw out a lot of food. He had spent a good week and a half at a shelter before he had decided it was time to move on, despite the fact that no angels had tracked him down. He had learned even more about cooking.

Today had been a particularly bad day, however. It had rained for much of the day, and Castiel was cold, and wet, and out of energy. Just when he had resolved himself to going to sleep hungry and cold and wet, a woman had taken pity on him and given him a sandwich and invited him back to her house.

The kindness of strangers surprised him sometimes. She was a beautiful woman, and he was human enough to notice this, but he was more interested in her warm, dry apartment at the moment. "Wow, it's beautiful," he said.

"If you say so," she answered. "Uh, just so you know, I don't usually bring home strange men."

"Am I strange?" Castiel asked. It occurred to him then that this woman was putting herself at risk, letting him into her apartment like this. He would be sure to repay her kindness, somehow. She certainly was very pretty.

"No, I mean... men I don't know," she was saying as she pushed aside various belongings in her apartment. "But you look like you've been to hell and back."

"Yeah, a few times," Castiel said honestly.

"April, by the way. April Kelly," she said.

"Um, Castiel."

"One name?"

"Yeah, like God," he said.

"Or Cher?" She smiled and handed him a towel, which he took readily. As he began to dry off, she said, "Uh, not to raise any red flags, but do you know your shirt's soaked in blood?"

"Yeah, it… I was attacked," he said, embarrassed. "There was a fight."

Castiel tried to tug on his shirt to better mask the blood, but she put her hand over his. Her hand was warm, and her face was close to his.

"This won't do," April said. "Here, take your shirt off." And to Castiel's surprise, April actually began to tug on the bottom of his shirt.

"I…" He felt his body respond to her nearness. It was surprising, because he had just pleasured himself that morning. Perhaps he was thinking too much like Dean. " _With his downstairs brain,"_ Ember had said once, and now Castiel understood the innuendo.

"Relax, I'm just going to clean your wound. I can tell from here it's pretty big. Someone has to clean it, or it's going to get infected."

She had a point. One of the homeless men had said something about that, actually. He had cleaned the wound yesterday, but one of the priests had said that rainwater was dirty, so perhaps he ought to clean it again. "It's no problem," said Castiel. "I've got it." Slowly, he peeled off his shirt, and removed the rag from where he had tied it around his arm.

"Ugh," April said, giving the rag a seething look. "Look… Castiel, is it? Like I told you before, I've come on hard times. You seem like a nice guy. Or at least, you don't seem like you're going to stab me in my sleep. I've relied on the kindness of strangers before, too, and the least I can do is clean your wound properly."

Before Castiel could say anything else, she grabbed the rag out of his hand and dropped it in the sink. "You call this rag a bandage? You're lucky this wasn't infected. What happened to the guy who attacked you?"

"Oh, I stabbed him," Castiel said, not thinking. "He exploded."

April appeared to consider this, and then seemed to decide he was joking. "Funny. You don't look like the knife-fight type. Or the homeless type, actually." She started cleaning his wound. It stung. He _hated_ being human.

"Yes," Castiel agreed. "Well... I guess I trusted the wrong person."

"Bad investment advice?"

"No, vanity," Castiel answered as she finished his bandage. "I thought I was more important, more effective than I am, that I could... fix everything. Now all I can do is keep running."

"Well, all patched up, but, God, your delts are in knots," she said. She was rubbing his back, and it felt… _so good._ She really was beautiful… "You've got to relax."

"It's all new to me," Castiel admitted, groaning at how good his back felt under her warm hands. "Hunger. Cold. This feeling, being all alone."

"You're not alone tonight," she said. She was entirely too close to him, and another feeling was stirring inside him, now more potent than anything he had yet felt as a human.

She kissed him on the cheek. And she was warm, and pliant, and she had offered him kindness, and he didn't want to be alone.

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

It had taken long enough that Sam and Dean would have been proud. He wasn't quite sure what he thought about it, to be honest. The physical sensations had been good… _very_ good. There was something missing, something very important, and it hadn't been… it hadn't been… but it _had_ been very pleasurable.

"Well, say something," April said.

"There aren't words," he said honestly.

"So, that was okay?"

"Very much so," he answered. "Um... what I did, that was, uh... correct?"

"Very much so," she said.

"Good," he said, smiling. He felt as though it was the first time he had smiled in ages.

"Castiel... I can't help thinking, all that stuff you said earlier, blame... and guilt. It seems like you're taking on a heavy load for such a sweet guy," said April.

"Believe me, I've done a lot of foolish, unwise things," he said. "I'm no angel." The confession made him smile inwardly, somehow. Perhaps he was still delirious from the orgasm.

"Well, whoever you trusted... can't they help undo this?" asked April.

"We're not in contact," he answered.

"So what happens next for you?"

"More of this, I hope," said Castiel.

And so there was.

 **June 14**

April wasn't in bed when Castiel woke up. It was almost 9 hours later, and it had been the best sleep he'd had in weeks.

Would she want him to stay? He was happy for the kindness, and the sandwich, and the _sex_. But he couldn't stay here, with her… not forever. He didn't belong here.

"I washed your stuff," she told him as he emerged from the bedroom. "Find everything okay?"

Castiel searched through his belongings, then stopped cold. _His angel blade was missing._ He tried to quell the panic that surged through him. "As a matter of fact, something is missing," he said.

"Oh?"

"It was with my jacket. It's hard to describe."

She spun around, suddenly threatening, with the angel blade in her hand, and held it to his throat. "Oh, you mean this?"

Roughly, Castiel felt himself forced into a large lounge chair. April snapped her fingers and ropes coiled themselves around his legs and arms, too tightly to escape. _A reaper._ He should've known.

Panic rose within him as she said, "It's probably pointless, washing the blood out of your shirt, really. It's the kind of thing the real April would have done." She took a bite of fruit thoughtfully. "I miss being her. Very sweet. Didn't mind me entering her one bit."

Castiel felt the sharp sting of betrayal. "Why didn't you just attack me right away?"

"My briefing said you were dangerous and powerful," she answered. "And you did arrive armed, so... I needed information, so I had to gain your trust."

"And that required intercourse?" Castiel challenged.

She laughed. "Well, I am allowed some leeway for executive decisions."

She straddled him, and his body betrayed him, rising again to the occasion. She smiled at his predicament. "And I can't say I didn't find you attractive."

"Who hired you? I assumed with Naomi gone, things were in chaos," he challenged.

"New sheriff in town, Cas," she answered. "He hired a bunch of us. I got lucky."

She got up and walked behind Castiel. "Enough questions from you," she said roughly. "I have several of my own. Let's talk about your buddy Metatron."

And then there was pain.

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

As torture went, this was nothing to what the angels had done to Castiel two years ago after he had helped Dean and Sam avert the Apocalypse. He also had no reason to lie, and he told her everything she wanted to know.

She didn't believe him, though. She seemed to think that he had plotted with Metatron, that the angels falling had been his intention all along…

And Castiel was human, and he didn't have the pain tolerance he once had. Part of him almost wished she would simply kill him and get it over with. He had had a long life, and he was human, and he had failed. He wanted it _done._

Another part of him was still desperate to live, however, and strategy came to him in a last-ditch effort to dissuade her from the final stab he knew was coming. "It may be unwise to kill me," he said. "If my grace were the key to empowering the spell, I may be key to countering it."

"Are you negotiating with me, Castiel?" she snapped.

Then the door burst open and Sam and Dean ran in. They had _found_ him! They would save him! "Cas!" Dean screamed.

But then he felt a stabbing pain through his abdomen, and everything went black.

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

Castiel was groggy when he awakened. "Dean," he said, acknowledging the hazy face in front of him.

"Yeah," said his old friend.

"And Sam," Castiel said, looking beside him.

"Cas," said Sam, sounding surprised. "You're okay."

"Never do that again!" Dean shouted at him.

Castiel ran through the fog in his head, attempting to make sense of the situation. "All right," he said finally. "But I'm confused. I know she stabbed me, but I'm – well, I don't appear to be dead."

"Well, you got dinged," Dean said, turning to Sam, who was lying against the wall and appeared equally confused.

"And, uh, you," he added, turning back to Castiel. "I made a deal with her. Said she wouldn't get kabobed if she brought you back. She brought you back."

It was lucky Dean had been quick, before he had been reaped. "You lied," Castiel said, seeing April's body on the floor. He felt that this should have affected him differently, seeing the dead body of the woman he had lost his virginity to only hours before. He felt only relief, however, and perhaps betrayal.

"I did," Dean said, smirking. "I do that."


	24. S9 Part 2, Protection

**Author's Note: So from here on out a lot of this overlaps with the sister story, Ember: Half Demon, Half Human. There are a few different points of view in both, the main difference being that this is entirely Castiel-centric.**

 **Also, let me know what you think, because this has been one of the harder chapters to edit for this story. I wanted to make it clear that Dean was really loathe to send Cas to Ember's, even if it wasn't clear to Castiel himself. Dean did it because he had no choice but to kick Cas out of the bunker (thanks to Gadreel), and because he felt bad for Cas. AND he made Cas promise to stay away from her long-term, even though there's really no reason to do so. At this point Dean doesn't really see Cas as a romantic rival, but he DOES know that Cas has some sort of feelings for Ember.**

 **June 14**

It had been ages since he had been tracked down by angels, ever since he had gotten the tattoo. Perhaps he would be safe, now, at the bunker.

"I am really enjoying this place," he said to Dean and Sam. "Plentiful food. Good water pressure. Things I never even considered before. There really is a lot to being human, isn't there?"

"It ain't all just burritos and strippers, my friend," Dean joked.

Castiel was glad Dean was no longer angry with him. He had been worried that Dean would be angry about the angels falling, but he seemed to understand. "Yeah. I understand what you're saying," Castiel agreed.

"You do?" asked Sam doubtfully.

"Yes, there's more to humanity than survival," said Castiel. "You look for purpose, and you must not be defeated by anger or despair. Or hedonism, for that matter."

"Where does hedonism come into it?" asked Dean.

"Well, my time with April was very educational," Castiel answered, thinking of the sex.

"Yeah. I mean, I would think that getting killed is something," Sam agreed.

"And having sex," Castiel clarified.

Sam's eyebrows flew toward his hairline, and Dean choked on his burrito. "You had sex with April?"

"Yeah, that would be where the hedonism comes in," said Sam.

"Shh," insisted Dean, curiosity alighting in his eyes. "So... did you have protection?"

"I had my angel blade," Castiel said, wondering what was meant by this question.

"Oh – oh, he had the Angel blade," said Dean.

"In any event, I – I do now see how difficult life can be and how well you two have led it," Castiel finished. "And I think you'll be great teachers." He was _so_ happy that they weren't angry with him. And, he was happy to have somewhere to live, and help, and _eat_.

"Thanks, Cas," Dean said.

 **June 15**

Castiel was happily eating a burrito when Dean found him in the library. "Epic food," Castiel said appreciatively. "I can't get enough."

"Cas, uh, can we talk?" asked Dean.

"Of course," said Castiel cheerily, pulling out a chair. "Dean, you know I always appreciate our talks, our time together."

Dean ignored the chair, opting to sit on the table. "Listen, buddy. Um... You can't stay."

There it was again… the stab of betrayal… confusion… _guilt._ Was Dean still angry with him, after all?

"I… I understand," said Castiel finally. "You are still angry with me."

"What?" Dean asked, confused. "No, man! No. It's not that."

Castiel looked at him in question, and Dean shifted uncomfortably. "It's… look, man, I'd love to have you stay here. I really would. It's just… I need a couple of weeks to… work some things out."

Castiel waited to see if there was more explanation, still somewhat in shock. The idea of going back out into the world of hunger and thirst and rain terrified him, to the core. He wished he could tell what Dean was thinking. He was so _weak_ now…

Dean sighed. "Look, man, we've got the King of Hell in our dungeon. Abaddon – she's a Knight of Hell, it's a long story - is out for our asses. And the angels… if someone figures out about this bunker, or sees us going in and out of it, this is the _first_ place they're going to look for you. And Sam, you know, he may not look it, but he's still really weak…"

Castiel nodded thoughtfully. "I understand," he said solemnly. "It is too much of a risk. Now that Naomi has hacked my mind, other angels may know about the bunker, and this will be the first place they'll look for me." This made sense, actually. But there was still the issue with going back to the cold, and the _hunger_ …

Dean looked at him, and Castiel could tell that the other man hated this conversation as much as he did. He could see, now, that Dean didn't want to turn him away. He was doing this to protect Sam, more than anything, and perhaps Castiel, too – he understood that, now.

"Look, man, just give me a month or so to work some of this stuff out, and you can come back and stay here maybe," Dean said, again looking pained. "In the meantime, if there's anything else I can do…"

The thought of the hunger and cold made Castiel shiver again. "I hate the thought of being hungry and cold again," Castiel said honestly. "But I understand. I'll wait until you feel safe." He shook his head sadly and looked out the window. Rain splattered against it, and the sky was a dark grey. "It's supposed to do that all night," Castiel said, sighing.

Dean winced at Castiel's words, and the pained look returned to his features. "Cas, man, you've been nothing but good to us," he said. "And I wish…"

Dean trailed off, and looked more pained than ever. He seemed to be debating something. Finally, he said, "Look, man. You've saved our asses more than a few times. You're… you're totally human, now, right?"

"Yes," Castiel agreed. "I can hear angel radio, but aside from that I am completely human."

"OK," Dean said finally, looking as though he had made a decision. "Look, why don't you call Ember? You could stay at her place tonight. She's just moved into a place about 4 hours from here. It's a new place, and it's warded to the max, almost as well as this place. No one knows where to find her there."

Castiel nodded, though his heart had begun to speed up. "Will you drive me there?" he asked. "You could see her too, then."

Dean smiled, an odd, prideful smile, but shook his head. "We broke up. We're done. Finite. We don't speak."

Castiel felt a swoop of surprise, then a thump as his heart leapt. "Why?"

Dean shot him an annoyed look. "Look, I don't wanna talk about it. We're done, that's all there is to it. It's broken. It's over. I'm moving on, and dating other people, and so should she."

"But-…"

"Look, take it or leave it," Dean said, looking increasingly annoyed. "It's an option. Just for tonight," he warned. "She's got some –…" He looked pained, then started again. "She's got some kids, you know, that we got hooked up with along the way, some orphaned hunters' kids. She's got a little family, so don't settle down there, because it's not a permanent option. She's happy…"

Dean got a faraway look in his eyes, then seemed to come crashing back to Earth. "She's doing her thing, and I'm doing mine. I found this girl, perfect body, dirty talker in the bedroom, and we spent a couple of nights together…"

Castiel gave Dean a distasteful look. He couldn't imagine moving on from Ember that quickly, but perhaps Dean truly was over her. "Look, man, don't hang out there, it's too dangerous," said Dean again. "But it'll get you in out of the rain tonight, at least, and after that you can keep going. I'll give you a few bucks, and you can get a bus ticket from here. But promise me you're not gonna stick around… not anywhere. Not until I get things figured out, and then you can come back here, okay? I'll let you know."

Castiel supposed it was good that Dean still cared about Ember enough to not want him to stay there for long… especially since he was already having sex with other women. "I don't want to put her in danger," he agreed. "I promise."

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

With trepidation, Castiel picked up Dean's phone to call Ember after Dean left the room. He hoped she wasn't angry with him for everything that had happened…

"Cas?!" Ember said excitedly. It was good to hear her voice. "Jesus, I haven't heard from you since before the Fall! Sam said that Metatron took your grace, and-…"

"Hi. Look, I hate to ask," Castiel said, cutting in. "But… Dean's been really busy with Sam –…"

" _Yeah he has_ ," grumbled Ember.

"Is everything okay?" Castiel asked, surprised at her sudden gruff attitude.

"Yeah," said Ember, her tone becoming chipper again. "It's a long story. Where are you? I haven't heard from you in weeks. Sam said you were human now, and I've been so wor-…"

"Yeah," said Castiel, relief flooding through him. "I'm nearby, actually, at Dean and Sam's, except… well, some things have come up. I'm awfully embarrassed, but… if you're willing, I could really use some help…"

"What's up?"

"Well, Dean's… you know, like I said, he's really busy with Sam, and..." He didn't want to tell her about Crowley and Abaddon, because he wasn't sure how much she already knew. "Dean says, you know, that if angels are looking for me, they'll be tailing him and Sam, and… well, I can't stay here."

" _What?"_ Ember yelled into the phone. "What, did he kick you _out?"_ She mumbled a bunch of things at that point that Castiel didn't entirely understand, something about "stupid angel possession."

"What?" Castiel said.

There was silence for a minute, then Ember said, "Nothing. Jesus, it's supposed to storm tonight, Cas. I can be there to pick you up in a few hours…"

"It's no problem," he said. "I'm taking the bus. I'll only stay for tonight, and then I'll be off."

"It's no problem," she echoed him. "I'll be happy to have you. This house is warded, and if you get a tattoo or some hex bags to hide you from the angels, you should be able to stay for as long as you-…"

"I got a tattoo already," Castiel agreed, happy that he'd done something correct. "And I couldn't possibly risk you and your new little family. I'll just be there for a day or so, to get out of the rain."

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

It was late at night when Ember picked Castiel up from the bus station. She hugged him when she saw him, and he mentally prepared himself for the onslaught of her demon attraction issues.

Instead, the experience was completely different. There was no ethereal smell, no feeling of immediate calm and pleasantness. Instead, she smelled of oranges, and a faint whiff of demon. He thought of their kiss a few months previously, and of the sexual experience he had now had, and of pleasuring himself to the thought of her. His body responded immediately, and he backed up, alarmed.

"Christ you're thin," she said, looking him over. "C'mon, we can grab some food on the way home."

"It's fine," Castiel said. "I've already had a burrito today."

"That's it?" Ember asked, raising her eyebrows.

"If… if I have too much more, it will spoil me," he said, repeating something he had heard from one of the homeless men. "If I get used to eating a lot, I'll be more hungry on days when it's hard to find food."

Ember looked at him, stunned. " _Jesus_ , Cas," she said, shaking her head. "Why didn't you call me straight away?"

"I didn't call anyone," he confessed. "I was too ashamed."

And she hugged him again.

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

Castiel and Ember talked late into the night. It was good to catch up. Ember talked excitedly about her children, and about the new house and new job. She seemed happier than she'd ever been, Castiel thought, and it almost made her glow.

Castiel wanted to listen to her forever, but when she asked him about his experiences he answered obediently. He told her about being hungry and thirsty, and about the priests, and about April.

She began to laugh. "So you finally lost your virginity, huh?" she said.

"I suppose so," he agreed.

"How was it?" she asked.

"Good," he answered honestly. He saw a flash of something like displeasure on Ember's face, which confused him. "Until she killed me," he added, and Ember laughed.

Tomorrow he would head out into the cold and the wet, but tonight he could laugh and talk and have fun.

 **June 16**

It was early in the morning. Castiel had awoken early at Ember's. He had found some ingredients in the kitchen, and made some bacon. He had learned to do this when he worked at the soup kitchen, and was extremely proud of his knowledge.

As he had hoped, Ember was the first one to stagger down the stairs. "Whoa, Cas!" she exclaimed when she saw the bacon. "Jesus, wow, thanks!" Her smile lit up her face, and Castiel felt an uncomfortable swooping in his stomach.

Ember piled some bacon on a plate and went to sit next to Castiel. "Cas, are you sure you need to leave this evening? I mean, we could _really_ use this sort of culinary talent…"

Castiel glowed at the compliment, but nodded. "Dean told me I would need to keep moving, even if I came here. The girl I told you about last night, Rachel, was proof that reapers can find me, if they're really looking."

Ember frowned when Castiel mentioned Dean's name, and Castiel caught the look. It marred her previously smiling face, and he was almost sad he had brought up Dean. In the end, however, curiousity got the better of him. "Ember, why did you and Dean break up again?"

Ember looked at him, and she appeared to be weighing her words, and possibly considering how much she wanted to say. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to," he said.

Finally, Ember shook her head. "No, it's okay. It's not like I have any loyalty to Dean anymore anyway. The only Winchester I still talk to is Sam, and to be honest, he might actually be better off if you _did_ know. It's just…"

Castiel looked at her questioningly. "Cas, you have to promise that even if you take this up with Dean, or even Sam… you can't tell _anyone_ else. Okay?"

Who was he going to tell? It's not like he talked to _anyone_ else. "Good point," said Ember when he explained this.

Once again, Ember seemed to be weighing her words, and finally she said, "How much do you know about… about the end of the trials? About Sam… you said that he was 'damaged in ways even you couldn't heal.' Remember?"

Castiel thought back to what Dean had told him on the phone that first night after the angels had fallen. "Dean said… he said he was dying. But… he said there was an angel healing him. Ezekiel." But now that Castiel thought about this, it didn't seem to make sense. He had been so caught up in surviving, and all the nuances of being human, that he hadn't really thought about Dean and Sam. Now, however, he realized that something seemed horribly fishy.

"Is that what he told you?" Ember asked, and her voice turned cold.

"Ember… what happened?" He wished he still had his angel powers, and that he could read her mind… but he couldn't.

Ember told him that Sam had been ready for death, that he had wanted it – for some of the wrong reasons, perhaps, but possibly for some of the right reasons. She explained that Dean had made a deal with Ezekiel to heal Sam from the inside. She explained that Ezekiel had posed as Dean so that Sam would consent.

"Why would he do that?" Castiel said.

"I'll tell you why," Ember said. "Because Dean is afraid to be alone, that's why. He pushes others away, but he's terrified to be alone. The fact that he would go against Sam's wishes, after all of the suffering Sam has been through…"

"Not Dean," said Castiel. "Ezekiel."

"What?" asked Ember.

"Ezekiel was a good soldier, a good warrior. Kind-hearted, and always obeyed. He was never the first to kill, nor anxious for leadership. He was never ambitious. But he would never so readily break a rule that is so important to angels, particularly if he were not commanded by a superior. Ezekiel would never possess a human with dubious consent."

Ember looked sour, and Castiel thought for a moment. "Perhaps the Fall has scared him. I will visit him tomorrow. I should see if I can help."

"Cas, that's a terrible idea," Ember said, looking suddenly fearful.

"Ember, you must understand… this is my responsibility. I must do what I can to help."

Ember shook her head. "I shouldn't have told you," she said. "Can't you just… can't you just call them?"

Castiel thought about this for a second. "I suppose that would be safer, given that I am human now," he agreed.

With trepidation, Castiel dialed Dean's number. "Dean," Castiel said. "Would you please put Ezekiel on the phone?"

There was silence, then Dean said bitingly, "I take it you made it to Ember's okay."

"Yes, thank you," Castiel said pleasantly.

There was no further response, but a few moments later a voice that sounded like Sam, but was not quite Sam, answered the phone. "Castiel, I presume?"

"Ezekiel," answered Castiel. "How are you? After the Fall?"

"I am hurt," said Ezekiel calmly from the other end of the line. "What you did was unforgiveable, Castiel."

"I'm sorry, Ezekiel," said Castiel miserably. "I was tricked. I-…"

"I know," said Ezekiel. "But other angels will not be so kind."

"I know," said Castiel. "I wanted to ask you about Sam. How is he doing?"

"He is hurt very badly," said Ezekiel. "As am I. We are healing each other."

Castiel was silent for a minute. Then he said, "Ezekiel, why would you go against Sam's wishes to die? Against his wishes to be possessed?"

Ezekiel paused. "It is a time for angels to reconsider our rules, Castiel. You taught all of us that. You should know, more than anyone, the value of the Winchesters owing you a favor. I am doing what I must." He paused again. "Besides, is this not what you would have done? Would you allow a Winchester to die?"

Castiel paused to consider his answer to that, but Ezekiel spoke again. "Do not call on me again, Castiel. Sam will begin to get suspicious."

"Ezekiel, I-…"

But it was Dean who spoke next. "Look, Cas, I'm sorry, okay? Call _me_ , if you _really_ need something. But otherwise… just, until Sam's better…"

Castiel looked at Ember glumly. "I understand, Dean. I'll stay away, from now on."

When Castiel hung up the phone, he looked over at Ember. He wasn't sure what to say about the conversation he had just had, or how he should react to it.

"Dean lied to you," Ember said angrily, taking the matter out of his hands. "He didn't want you to know about Ezekiel. Really, it was Ezekiel that didn't want you at the bunker." She scoffed. "Assholes."

Castiel thought for a moment. He felt less hurt, knowing now that Dean really _did_ want his company. And, he supposed he could understand why Dean had turned him away, even better now than he had before. He had been trying to protect Sam, even more than Castiel had originally thought.

He could also understand why Dean had lied to him about the situation. From a strategic standpoint, Dean had been right in playing this close to the vest. Castiel knew that Dean made no exceptions and took no chances when it came to Sam's well-being. "I don't understand," said Castiel. "What is so bad about wanting Sam to live? I agree that he should not have been… deceived, in this way. But aren't these mistakes part of what make you human?"

Ember had finished the bacon, and put the plate in the sink, slamming it with perhaps more gusto than she needed to. "I want Sam alive as much as anyone," she said. "That's not the part I'm angry about."

Castiel looked at her curiously.

"I mean, there's the obvious part, that it should've been _Sam's decision_ , and that Dean and Ezekiel did this without _Sam's consent._ And then there's the fact that we don't know anything about Ezekiel… I mean, obviously he's changed from how you remember him. And who knows when Ezekiel's going to take a notion to rebel, to use Sam's body for whatever the hell he wants…"

"I don't think Ezekiel would-…" Castiel began.

"But it's more than that, Cas," Ember said. "Sam had a chance to go to _Heaven_. And he _chose_ to go to Heaven. After… after Purgatory, after the trials, after watching his mother and his girlfriend burn on the ceiling, after Lucifer. His soul spent more than 120 _years_ in that damn cage, and after _all that_ , he had a _chance,_ and Dean _stole_ that from him. You know how the Winchesters live. One day they're fine, and the next they're, I don't know, 500 years in the past, or _burning in Hell!_ Who can tell when he'll get the opportunity to go to Heaven again – _if he ever does!"_

Castiel had not thought about this, but now that Ember explained it, he was startled by his friends' decision.

"Does Dean understand this?" Castiel asked.

"Yes, Dean understands it," Ember said darkly, beginning to rinse the dishes. "He just doesn't _care_. He doesn't know what to do without Sam. He's scared to be alone. He's being selfish. This, on top of… of him never being around, never wanting to settle down, and all the other dumb decisions he's made… how can I be in a relationship with someone when I'm constantly scared they're going to do something _stupid_?"

Castiel thought about this as he walked over to help Ember with the dishes. He thought about Dean, and Ember, and their pasts, both together and apart from each other. Finally he said, "I suppose I understand. It must hurt you, especially, after you've had to work so hard for the chance to get into Heaven, being a half-demon. It's like Dean is throwing that away, for Sam."

Ember froze, both hands still covered in water and soap suds. She turned to Castiel, and for a second he thought that perhaps she might slap him. Her face went through several emotions – angry, upset, devastated. Finally, Ember dropped the plates into the sink and turned off the water, and Castiel realized that she was crying. There were large tears rolling down her cheeks, and she was trying not to look at him.

Without knowing what he was doing, without thinking about it, Castiel reached out to Ember and pulled her into his arms. He remembered, as though from another lifetime, the first time he had been forced to provide comfort to her, when she had been confronted at her home by Alastair. _I'm not accustomed to dealing with crying women…_ How things had changed. She smelled like oranges and demon, and he felt his human body respond to her nearness once again. He stepped back, after what seemed like a very long time.

"I'm sorry, Cas," she said, wiping her eyes. "I… just…"

"I didn't mean to upset you," Castiel said.

"No, you're right. Maybe that is why… why it hit me so hard. That doesn't change anything though," she said. "What Dean did is still wrong."

"Undoubtedly," Castiel said.

Ember looked surprised. "Really?"

"You've given me your reasons, and I agree with them," he said simply. And he did.

She appeared to have cheered up somewhat, and smiled wanly. "Thanks, Castiel," she said.


	25. S9 Part 3, Heaven with You

**Author's Note: Again, much of this is very similar to my sister story, Ember: Half Demon, Half Human. I do not own Supernatural. Please review!**

 **July**

The days when Castiel was not at Ember's home felt like they were moving slowly. True to his promise to Dean, he kept himself moving. He always came and went under the cover of nightfall, hoping that this made him more inconspicuous. He spent nearly a week in a shelter in Chicago, then returned to Ember's for two nights. After that he spent five days homeless in Burlington, Vermont, then caught a ride back to Ember's but stayed only one night. He began July in Birmingham, Alabama, only to work his way back west and end up at Ember's house again for two nights. He was taken in by a shelter in Omaha, Nebraska, but left after a few days, then returned to Ember's after two days of living on the streets.

The pattern continued. From there he spent two days on the streets before coming across a shelter in Waterville, Maine. Ember called and asked when he was coming to visit after he had spent 7 days there, and he complied, but only for two nights. He was homeless for 3 nights wandering around Louisiana before returning to Ember, this time only for one night. After that, he found a shelter in Las Vegas, Nevada, but returned to Ember again near the beginning of August.

With Ember's help, and thanks to several hard lessons, Castiel was getting better at saving food, and no longer felt constantly hungry and thirsty. In the wake of these basic needs being (usually) satisified, Castiel's heart and mind turned to other issues.

Guilt was Castiel's constant companion, and his unshakeable shadow. What he had done was incomprehensible, and he was absolutely desperate for some way to make things better, _any_ possible way to redeem himself. There were small opportunities, and plenty of them, but somehow it never seemed like enough.

The other problem was hormones. Castiel had never truly understood the male sex drive, but he was beginning to understand why humans committed so much sin.

Having sex with April had been a mistake. Aside from the obvious fact that he had ended up dead as a result, Castiel often felt that the sex seemed to have awakened something inside of him that left him constantly wanting. This constant need had been bad enough before April – he had gotten used to the need to pleasure himself daily, but at least he hadn't known what he was missing. It was only after April, however, that he began to constantly imagine what sex would be like with the person he was truly in love with – Ember.

It had been bad enough when he was an angel, and her half-demon powers attracted him. Now, being around her felt like a sweet kind of torture. She was kind enough to let him into her house on a regular basis - to let him eat her food, sleep on her couch, and keep her company. He was ashamed of the way that he wanted her, with every part of his being, in very human ways. Still, the days he spent with Ember were the highlight of his life, and forcing himself to leave always seemed like a monumental challenge.

"Are you sure you have to leave?" she would ask each time he left. "What about the warding? Shouldn't that protect you?"

He would shake his head. "I can't allow you and your family to be hurt on my account," he would say. "No one can know I come here from time to time."

She would sigh and allow him to leave, but never empty-handed. Each time he left her home, it was with food in his backpack and in his belly. It wasn't much, but it was enough to sustain him, and he was thankful for it.

Ember also sent him away each time with dozens and dozens of quarters for the payphone, requesting that he call her "whenever he wanted." Eventually he found himself calling her often in the evenings, when he was bored and tired. She encouraged him, and he hoped that he could provide encouragement for her as well. He knew she had been hurting since she had lost Dean.

In return for her hospitality, he did chores for her around the house. He fixed things to the best of his ability, cooked, cleaned, and did laundry. He helped the children with homework, and taught them fighting skills. Cooking was Castiel's favorite thing to do, and it also seemed to be Ember's favorite thing for him to do; she hated cooking herself, and avoided it at all costs. Apparently, he had picked up more than he thought about the craft in homeless shelters and soup kitchens. It seemed to be one of the few things that came naturally for him, now that he was a human.

Ember never asked for Castiel's help, but she always seemed thankful. "Cas, you don't have to do all of this," she would say. "I know it's been hard for you, all of this new humany stuff. Let me take care of you."

"Nonsense," Castiel said. "You give me the gift of your hospitality, as often as I can risk it. I do as much as I can to earn my keep."

Castiel was getting to know and like Ember's children as well. She had become a foster parent, he learned, and was legally adopting all four children. Dean had located them for her. A vampire had killed their parents, and they had banded together. Each was special in their own way – Josephine was smart, Aidan was quick and athletic, and Krissy was tough as nails. The four of them formed a tight-knit family, and Castiel longed to join it, a dream which he knew could never really come true.

More than anything, however, Castiel enjoyed evenings with Ember. All three of the children would spend their evenings at various appointments – studying, with friends, or on various forms of social media. Ember would watch television or play video games, and Castiel would always join her. He asked questions about everything, and felt that he was learning more and more about humanity and what that entailed. Somehow, these questions always turned into deep conversations about the human existence.

Ember and Castiel talked about everything – Dean, Sam, the Apocalypse, Castiel's days as "God", Ember's job, therapy in general, the children, Ember's relationship with Dean, and Castiel's time on the run. Ember smiled more than Castiel had ever seen her smile, and he hoped desperately that he was the cause of that. He loved to make her laugh, and when he was feeling hungry or guilty he would try to picture her laughing face. It always made him feel better.

 **August 3**

"You do realize this game is very crass, don't you?" asked Castiel for the third time that night.

"Duh," said Krissy. "That's what makes it so much _fun_."

Ember rolled her eyes. "I can't believe you guys talked me into playing _Cards Against Humanity_ with an _angel,_ for Christ's sake," she said, her head in her hands.

"I'm not an angel," Castiel responded. "I'm human now."

"Exactly," said Aidan. "And, as a human, it is our duty to introduce you to _Cards Against Humanity_. Besides, Cas. you're _winning_. Josie, it's your turn to choose."

"Fine," said Josephine. She picked up a black card. "What never fails to liven up the party?"

"An ex-angel who keeps asking what all of these cards mean," joked Krissy, giving Castiel a big grin.

"I'm not sure whether to be insulted or not," Castiel said honestly.

"Don't be," Ember said. "We're having a great time. This is literally the most fun game of _Cards Against_ I've _ever_ played."

"What is 'pixelated bukkake'?" asked Castiel, and the entire group, including him, burst out laughing.

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

"I hope I didn't embarrass myself in the game earlier today," Castiel told Ember late that night. They were watching a show called Doctor Who _,_ and it was a commercial break. Ember was sitting too close to him on the couch. He liked her nearness, but he had to constantly refrain from watching her instead of the television show.

Ember laughed. Castiel liked the sound of her laugh. "You did," she said, "But it was in a good way. Here, it's back on."

Castiel supposed that would have to be good enough; he had made her happy, and that was something. He watched the show intently, but he found that he didn't understand it. "I don't understand this show's concept of Heaven," he told Ember during the next commercial break. "Why is Heaven full of skeletons in tanks of water?"

"It's not _actually_ Heaven," Ember told him. "The Doctor's enemy, the Master, has figured out how to use advanced technology from their home planet to intercept the souls when people die and put them into Cybermen so that she can take over the world."

Castiel thought about this. "It's all very complicated," he said.

Ember was staring at the screen intently, even though the episode was over. It was obvious she was still thinking about something.

"Castiel, where do angels go when they die?"

Castiel stopped to think about it. "I've been told we – I mean, they – go to the empty."

Ember frowned, staring curiously at Castiel. "What's that?"

"I'm not sure," he said honestly.

"And… what about you?" asked Ember, looking at him and scooting closer as if to search for something in his eyes. "You're human… but do you have a soul?"

"I… don't know that either," he said. He thought back to his time in the homeless shelters and on the run, and what he had learned so far about his human self. "But… I have no temptation toward wrong-doing, like other humans do when they don't have a soul. I've been angry, but I have no urge to kill humans. I've been upset, and guilty, and remorseful, and I feel it deeply." He continued to think about it. "Perhaps I do have a soul, or… perhaps I simply have lived too long as an angel for it to matter."

Ember seemed to consider this. Finally she said, "If you _do_ have a soul, then that means when you die, you'll go to Heaven, right?"

"I suppose so, yes."

"Each soul has its own Heaven, right?" she asked. "Dean told me that."

"Yes, that's true," Castiel said. Then he asked, "What would yours look like?", because he simply wanted to know.

She thought a moment. "Spending time with my mother," she answered honestly. "Before I knew about demons, and before I had powers. Before I was constantly scared."

Castiel was shocked at her answer, and the flippancy with which she said it. He wished that she never had to be scared again. For a second, he wished that Sam had gone through with the trials and locked the demons into Hell forever. As he was about to say something to this effect (though perhaps not about Sam), Ember asked, "What would yours look like?"

Castiel thought back to the eternal Tuesday afternoon of the autistic man who had drowned in a bathtub in 1953. It had been peaceful there, he thought, with flowers, and a sprawling landscape. He was about to explain this to Ember, but then he had another thought.

"Here, I think," he answered honestly. "Here, with you."

"Really?" She asked. "Why am I so special?"

"You are very special," Castiel said, thinking fast. "You accept me, even after everything I've done. And… and you're funny. And your children are truly delightful. You are all models of the human species."

Ember began to laugh, and she reached across the sofa to hug him. They gave each other quick hugs when they said good-bye, Castiel reflected later, but this was only the second time she had given him a hug as long as this one. Once again, he inhaled the scent of oranges and felt his body begin to respond to her closeness. This time, however, he did not let go, but simply moved slightly backward, making sure to cover the evidence of his arousal. Finally, when she moved to let go, he did as well, feeling suddenly cold at the loss of her body.

"Castiel, seriously, you _really_ need to stay for longer," she said. "You always know how to make me smile."

 **August 11**

Castiel loved the taste of eggs and bacon. He had made a spread for the rest of the family on Saturday morning. He would never admit to Ember that he had continued to search out opportunities to learn how to cook, simply to impress her and the kids. Cooking seemed to be the most useful thing to do in Ember's new home, because it was the only chore that she point-blank refused to learn, and so he had approached the task with gusto.

He thought he had done a fairly good job, too. He was the first one to awaken, and the thought of the look on Ember's face when she saw the spread brought a smile to his face. It felt like his first smile this week.

Castiel's head turned sharply when he heard whispering. Suddenly Josephine emerged from the living room, clearing her throat as she entered. "Excuse me, Mr. Castiel," she said, approaching him formally. Then she saw the food. "Wow, did you make these?"

"Yes," he said, "It's the least I could do. Eat up!"

"Thanks!" she said, seeming to forget what she had been about to ask. She grabbed a plate and a lavish amount of eggs, and sat down across from him at the table. Aidan also emerged from the living room, and at the sight of him, Josephine seemed to remember what she had been about to ask. "Oh! Right!" She was much less formal now, as though the eggs had been some sort of icebreaker. "We wanted to know if you could practice fighting us."

"What?" said Castiel, surprised.

"Last time you were here, you said you'd practice fighting with us someday if it was okay with Ember," Aidan spoke up. "We have all the foam weapons we use with her in the basement. You know, for practice?"

Castiel was caught off guard. "Ember - what would she say?" He hoped this was the correct answer.

"She practice fights with us sometimes, so that all of us can keep up our strength if someone tries to attack us," Josephine filled in. "She said it was okay when Aidan asked her, but that we had to ask you. You don't have to if you don't want to, though."

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

When Ember had come down to breakfast around 10AM, she had been pleased with the spread. Her face had lit up, and she had given Castiel a huge smile and thanked him profusely. Then she had looked at his clothing, which was the same as what he had worn yesterday. "Cas, I'm taking you shopping today. You've been so kind to us lately, it's the least I can do."

When they had left at noon, Krissy had yet to come down to breakfast, and Josephine had had to leave for her job at McDonald's, where she worked from 11 to 4. When Aidan had asked Ember, again, about Castiel practicing fighting with them, she had said that it was a great idea (if he would agree to it), and that they could do it after Josephine got off of work.

During the shopping trip, Ember regaled Castiel with what he had missed in the lives of the children since his last trip over a week ago. "Krissy's math has been better since you helped her last week," Ember said. "I checked her grades this morning, even though she doesn't know I know how. She still doesn't trust me. Victor did a number on them, though, so I can't be surprised..." She sighed. "It's the same old story. They're always worried that I'm going to come home a vampire, or that I'm not _going_ to come home…" She trailed off. "Of course, I'm not really sure how much of that is related to them being in foster care and the trauma they've been through, and how much of it is related to just hunting in general."

"You're a great mother," Castiel said. "The situation you've been put in, with you being half-demon, and the choice you've made, to take care of other children who have been orphaned as a result of hunting, is admirable." He had said it before, and it always made her smile.

Ember also told Castiel what to expect in regards to the children's fighting styles as they picked out first a suitcase and then several new pairs of shirts and pants for Castiel. "Watch Aidan, he needs the most work, but don't tell him that," she said. "He never puts his feet right, and he makes these big sweeping strokes that don't hit… Krissy is nearly always on target, though. And what Josie doesn't have in agility and speed, she makes up for in accuracy. Once, Krissy and Josie together almost beat me, and I had to use my force powers to repel them. They want to see if they can beat you."

Castiel couldn't help remembering a sparring practice with Ember a very long time ago, when the group of them were working to take down Lucifer. He wondered if this would be like that.

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

Castiel learned quickly that this was _nothing_ like sparring with Ember. The basement of the large house had been converted into a matted sparring room, which was full of foam and other practice weapons. Ember and Castiel served as instructors, and Castiel was surprised at the ease with which he slipped into the role. "You're leaving yourself too open," he told Josephine slowly, watching her fight with Krissy. "You're concentrating too much on accuracy and sacrificing quickness." Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Ember give him a smile and a quick nod.

Castiel knew, without asking, that Dean had been down here at one point, sparring with the children and instructing them as well. Krissy in particular had picked up a few moves that Castiel recognized as very Dean-like.

The children were good fighters – better fighters than most hunters, to be honest, though no match for Ember or Castiel. As Ember had warned him, Krissy was lethal with a blade. In their first match, he went easy on her, and almost let her get the better of him. While they stopped for water, Castiel watched Ember dual-wielding a pair of foam knives against Aidan and Josephine. Ember's hair was tied in its usual ponytail, and she wore lounge paints again with a black crop top and tennis shoes. She dodged Aidan's blows easily as she discussed trigonometry homework with Josephine during their swordfight.

"Dean said he taught her to fight like that," Krissy said, following Castiel's eyes. "But I think she has completely her own style."

Castiel agreed. "Her force powers play a role in her style," he said. They had discussed it once, late one night, with Dean and Sam. "She picked up some moves from Dean, but her force powers help determine which moves are easiest to use and which ones are best left for practice sparring or playing around. That's why she likes to dual-wield – so she can keep her force energy even on both sides."

Krissy appeared to think on this for a second, then slowly raised her foam sword to his face, signaling that the water break was over.

They had been fighting for about half a minute when the teenager spoke up. "Castiel, how long are you staying this time?"

"Should you really talk until you're confident you can fight in silence?" Castiel asked, forcing her slowly backward toward the wall.

"Ember encourages us to talk," Krissy said. "Because our opponents will be taunting us."

Suddenly, she grinned evilly, ducking under his arm in a quick move he didn't anticipate. "Hey Cas, what are you doing tonight?"

Castiel was suddenly on the offensive, but it only lasted a second before he had used his strength to force Krissy backward while parrying. "I'm not sure, why?"

"Just figured we might all want to get out of here," she said, concentrating so hard that tiny lines appeared on her forehead. "You know, so you and Ember can have some time alone together." And, once again, she ducked away from him.

Castiel froze at her words, only for a second, but then he felt the foam sword pushing comically into his chest.

Aidan noticed it first, and became so distracted that Ember was able to hold him easily at swordpoint, effectively ending the fight on the other side of the room. Ember turned around slowly and grinned when she saw Krissy and Castiel. "Finally got the better of you, did she?" she said proudly.

Castiel prayed that Krissy wouldn't explain the full situation to Ember, and fortunately she didn't seem inclined to elaborate on her win. He thought his face must be horribly red, however. Ember raised her eyebrows at Castiel, but that was the only sign she gave that she knew something must be amiss.


	26. S9 Part 4, Romantic Feelings

**Author's Note: Note the rating change when this chapter was added, for a reason!**

 **Also note that this is a sister story to my other story, Ember: Half-Demon, Half-Human. That story has scenes from multiple points of views and this one is much more Cas-centric. There are more differences in the beginning, but as the focus morphs toward Castiel and Ember as a romantic couple there is a lot more overlap between the two stories. This chapter is almost identical to "I'm No Angel: Part 2" in that story. Thanks for your constructive criticism!**

 **I do not own Supernatural. If I did, I would have a lot more money to go to fan conventions, but would probably spend it on something much more economical and much more lame like investments and the stock market.**

 **August 11**

Castiel methodically packed the shirts Ember had bought for him in the suitcase she'd provided. He knew that the few things he owned would leave the suitcase pathetically empty, but he admitted there was still something far more satisfying about seeing his belongings in a suitcase than in the plastic bag they had recently inhabited.

Once again, it was time to leave. He'd stayed two nights last time, which was already too long. This time, he felt he _had_ to stay only one night. He had gotten too close today, he thought. Surely she must know how he felt about her. He _had_ to leave, for both of their sakes. He was embarrassed – what use had she, for an angel who was now mortal, and on the run? The rain was pounding right now, but he would leave when the storm passed. He _had_ to leave when the storm passed.

Suddenly, from the doorway, Castiel heard a voice say, "What are you doing, Cas?"

He froze. Even her voice made him ache, in a terrifyingly sweet way. "Packing," he said carefully.

She was frowning, he could already tell. "I thought you weren't gonna leave until tomorrow evening?" she asked. "I have the day off tomorrow except for one client…"

She had showered after their fighting practice, and was wearing baggy lounge pants and a tight tank top that left far too little to the imagination. Castiel swallowed hard, forcing himself to look away. Yes, this had been the problem. This had been why he was packing.

"Castiel, what's wrong?" she asked. "You've been acting weird ever since the sword fight today." She put her hand on his shoulder, and fire seemed to spread through his body at the point where she touched him. "Cas, what did Krissy say to you that has you so freaked out?"

Castiel looked at Ember, arrested. She was so close. She was _too_ close. "How did you know that she-.."

"Who do you think taught her that trick?" she said, smiling. "What did she _say_ , Castiel? Even if you don't tell me, I'll be able to get it out of her eventually."

"She said-…" Castiel trailed off, then tried again, looking away. He was struggling for words. He did not want to tell her this, had never planned on telling her. Surely she must know, but to hear it confirmed was something different. Still, he supposed that he ought to tell her, rather than allowing her to hear it from Krissy. "The thing is, I have… I mean, I've developed… feelings." When he finally looked back at her, he found that she had somehow moved imperceptibly so that she was right in front of him.

"What kind of feelings?" she asked, and there was something different in her eyes now, something that reminded him somehow of the look in Dean's eyes just before he made a kill.

Castiel gulped again, and he could feel bits of his anatomy responding that definitely weren't supposed to, but which seemed to respond to everything these days. "Uh… romantic… feelings," he stuttered.

She studied him, her face unreadable.

"I thought… I thought since you weren't an angel… I thought you didn't feel that way anymore?" she asked.

"I don't," he said. "I mean… that part of it is gone. This is…" he gulped, looking away. "This is something different."

To his utter surprise and amazement, she smiled. "That's what I was waiting for," she said softly. She was so close now that he could see the small bead of moisture on her lips, and smell her potent citrus smell.

And then he realized what was going to happen, and his heart jumped to his throat. She was standing _so_ close to him, and looking at him in a way that he'd never dared hope she would. He was powerless to stop himself from moving the last couple of inches toward her lips.

He had been kissed by April, and of course he had been kissed by Ember when he was being controlled by Naomi (a kiss which had haunted him for the next several weeks). He had never imagined, however, that a kiss could be quite like this. It was like soaring and falling at the same time. How long had these feelings, or some variation? How long had he imagined kissing her? Since he _met_ her?

His kiss with April had been exploratory, and April had been very pretty, but it had been nothing like kissing Ember. He felt her tongue push into his mouth, and he added his own tongue to the mix, his heart thudding frantically into his chest. Was this happening? After all of this time, was this really _happening?_

He felt Ember's hand on his face, and bravely he slunk a hand on her back, pulling her just a little bit closer. He was desperate for more, but terrified to ruin what he already had.

" _Cas,"_ she said breathily, and something very animalistic stirred inside of him. Then she moved a final inch forward until they were touching, and she could feel how much he wanted her. He fought with his traitorous human body not to grind into her, but she took matters into her own hands and moved him back toward the bed. He had one hand on her back and one on her neck, and he didn't want to let go with either hand long enough to fall backward onto the bed, so she moved with him.

She ground into him, and he moaned into her mouth. Were they really – were they _really_ going to do this? Apparently they were, because she was tugging at his shirt as if to remove it, which he allowed. "I've always wanted to see an angel naked," she said, smirking at him in exactly the right way.

"I'm not an angel," he pointed out.

"You're still _my_ angel," she said, not missing a beat. Ember took both of Castiel's hands then and put them on her breasts, which Castiel took as his cue that this was allowed. He leaned up once more to kiss her, and very slowly began to peel off first her top shirt and then her undershirt. "You're… you're beautiful," he said, and she kissed him, hard.

His hands skittered up her stomach and ended on her breasts, because he couldn't _not_ touch them, and meanwhile her hands were on his chest as well. She smelled _amazing,_ different from how he remembered when he was an angel, but somehow even better. And then her hands went lower, and lower, until-

"Ember," Castiel said, breaking their kiss. "Are you sure?"

"Aren't you?" she asked.

 _Yes!_ But instead he kissed her again, until she broke their kiss to once more begin unzipping his pants. He reached for hers, meanwhile, and for a few seconds there was an awkward bit of undressing and finagling out of trousers. When both pairs of pants had been discarded on the floor, however, Ember and Castiel looked at each other, suddenly unsure.

Castiel had been so busy looking into Ember's eyes for clues – how was she feeling? Would she allow this to go on? – that he was completely surprised to feel her hands on him. He gave a loud moan, and she gave a salacious grin. Holding eye contact, she climbed slowly down him, and then disappeared from view.

Suddenly he felt her mouth close around him, and it was unexpected, and different from anything he had ever felt before, and _wonderful_. Even with April he had never done this, and how had he never known how _amazing_ this could be? But he wanted more, he wanted… "Let me see you," he said gruffly.

Her mouth came off of him, and he felt suddenly cold at the loss, but she shifted back into view. She smiled at him shyly before once more closing her mouth around him. The sight of it almost tipped him over the edge, but by now he was able to recognize the warning signs. He scooted up and away from her, gently guiding her until she was lying back on the bed and he was bent over her. He had wanted this for _so long_ , before he had even known it was what he wanted, and he'd be damned if it was over this quickly.

He trailed kisses down her stomach, and she moaned his name breathily. He wasn't terribly experienced with this, but he had learned enough from watching Dean's porn of the pizza man, and from April, and a few other things that he had seen and heard over the years. He knew where to touch her, and where to put his tongue. He moved around and listened to what made her gasp, and he was surprised when she came undone around him. She was beautiful, shaking, and he kissed her on the tops of her breasts as he watched her come down from her orgasm.

"That was… Cas, I… didn't know you knew…"

He smiled, glowing with pride. " _Cas,"_ she breathed. And then she was kissing him again, fiercely, and he didn't know where he ended and she began, and he was helpless to stop it. She rolled them over, and he felt an unnatural sensation, and looked down in alarm. She had wrapped him in a condom.

"Sorry," she said shrugging. "Protection."

 _Protection!_ He understood, now, what Dean had been asking. But he had no time to think about that, because it meant – it meant she was going to -…

Ember was standing over him, the moonlight glowing off of her pale skin, and her face was searching for something – reassurance for him, or perhaps an answer? He gave a small nod, and very, very slowly, she slid onto him. It was exquisite, and Castiel fought with himself not to thrust. " _Ember,"_ he begged. Very, very slowly, she began to move up and down, and he reached up to touch her, like he'd seen in the movies.

Castiel knew it wouldn't be long before this was over. He had wanted to draw it out longer, but he was powerless to stop it now (even with the condom), and it felt _so_ good. And finally he could feel her walls clench around him, and she cried out. He followed her a second later, rasping her name as he came inside her.

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

Castiel was a human (a lousy human at that, he often thought) who was wanted by every angel in the world, and had been kicked out of the house by his best friends… but damned if he wasn't grinning from ear to ear. He was happy just to watch her sleep, the sound of her deep breathing calming him.

Still, he had only another half hour or so until the first light, and he needed to leave. Slowly, he began to move away from her, quietly gathering his clothing from the floor. He smiled to himself as he saw, in the dim light from her night light, the various bits of his clothing flung haphazardly around the room, mixed with hers.

"Cas?" she said, and he froze, looking at her through the darkness.

"Cas, you're not leaving?" she said, looking hurt.

"I…" He fought against the urge to stay another day, knowing he was already pushing his luck. "Ember, I shouldn't have stayed even this long…"

Her face fell. "I don't want you to be in danger," he said desperately. "I don't want…"

She nodded, though her face remained guarded. "I'll get up with you. I'll walk you out."

Slowly, she shuffled out of bed and turned the light on, wincing at the bright light. When Castiel's eyes got used to the light, he saw that she was wearing only her underwear from last night. The sight sent a jolt of arousal through him, which caught him off guard. How could he be feeling this _again_ , after last night? Still, he had learned long ago that Ember made him feel things he might never fully understand. Unable to resist, he moved toward her and put his arms around her, kissing her shoulder and her neck.

She had been in the process of putting on her jeans, but turned around in surprise, and her mouth had curled up into a smile. "I thought…"

He looked at her questioningly.

"Never mind," she said.

"What?" he asked.

"I thought you wanted to leave."

"No," he said, surprised. He kissed her neck, careful to keep his erection away from her, because he didn't have time to have intercourse again, as much as he would have liked to. "But I _have_ to."

She hung her head. "I understand." And she leaned up again, kissing him on his neck. Just as he felt he couldn't resist her any longer, and went to pull her closer, she stepped away, not realizing what he had been about to do.

"Where does that leave us?" Ember asked.

Castiel was confused at the question. "What do you mean?" he said.

Ember thought for a minute. "O… kay. Um… do you want to sleep with other people?"

Castiel thought this was an odd question. He was pretty sure he had been fairly clear on that subject. Now that he thought about it, though, he had never actually _told_ her _anything_ on the subject. "No, why would I want to do that?" he asked. Then he had a thought. "Wait… do you want to sleep with other people?"

"No," she said, and he felt an immense amount of relief.  
"Good," he said.

"So where does that leave us?" she asked again. She had turned away from him and was picking up her clothes off the floor, as well as his.

Now he was really confused. "I… don't understand the question?" he said honestly.

She smiled, facing him again as she handed him his clothes. "I was beginning to get the feeling you were lost," she said honestly. "Cas, when two humans – I mean, when two people – have feelings for each other, and especially when they have sex, it's customary to decide at some point whether or not they want to have casual sex, or be in a relationship, or-…"

"What's 'casual sex?'" asked Castiel, stopping halfway into a pantleg.

Ember turned toward him. "That's when two people have sex sometimes just for the fun of it. But there's no feelings behind it, and they can have sex with other people if they like."

Castiel looked downward. "I don't want that," he said. He thought a second. He thought he knew what "in a relationship" meant, but perhaps he ought to be sure. "What does it mean to be in a relationship?"

Ember smiled. "It means basically what we've been doing over the past month or so," Ember said. "You make each other happy and keep each other company sometimes, and try to do good stuff for the other person. And, you commit that you aren't going to have sex with anyone else."

"Okay," Castiel said. "Can we be in a relationship, then?" He was finishing tying his shoes, because he really, _really_ did need to leave soon.

This had apparently been the right thing to say, as her face split into a big smile. "I'd like that," she said.

"Me too," he said. She seemed to be waiting for something, so he went over to her and put his arms around her. He hoped that this was the right thing to do. He was pleasantly surprised when she put her arms around him as well, then moved toward him and kissed him, on the mouth this time.

Stars exploded behind his eyes once again, and it occurred to him that perhaps being "in a relationship" meant that he could kiss her whenever he wanted. That was certainly what it had meant with her and Dean. And there was something about the thought of Dean that bothered him, but he couldn't put his finger on it. Just as he was about to move his hand downward, Ember let go of him, and he remembered with a start how much he very much _did_ need to leave before it got light outside. He extricated himself from her, apologizing, as he had never before wanted to stay quite so much. A minute later, he was gone.

 **August 17**

Castiel had been worried that when he finally returned to see Ember again, something between them would have changed. He was excited to realize that he was allowed not only in her arms but in her bed again. It was the best two days of Castiel's life. He had not known it was possible to have so much sex, to laugh so much, or to be so happy.

Halfway through the weekend, Sam called. Ember had a very short conversation with him, during which she shushed Castiel and explained that she "was spending the weekend alone… the kids are all at their friends' houses, and I'm taking a night to myself."

"You're not telling Sam that we're in a relationship?" Castiel asked, surprised and a little hurt.

Ember sighed. "No, not yet. The way our lives work, we'll need to tell them eventually. It's just… even if Sam doesn't tell Dean, Ezekiel will."

"So?" he had asked, confused. He pulled her close to him on the bed.

Ember sounded as though she were holding back an annoyed sigh, but was patient with his questions. "Okay, so say that in a year or so we broke up, and-…"

"Why would we break up?" he asked.

"I don't know," Ember said. "Say… say I didn't make you happy anymore. Or… say you found another woman you wanted to have sex with. Or something like that."

"That won't happen," he said.

"Thanks, Cas," she said, clearly touched. Then she began to sound serious again. "Okay, just… say that it does. Like, with Dean, the first time, we broke up because he convinced you to remove my memories, which really weren't his - or yours – to take away."

"I'm sorry," Castiel said. Was she still mad at him about this? Hadn't he been at fault in that instance?

"I don't blame you for that," Ember said, as if reading his mind. "I blame Dean. It was his dumb idea. You were just doing what _he_ thought was right. But it wasn't right, because they're my memories, and so they're my right."

Castiel supposed he could understand this. Just as he decided that, however, she moved on to something else. "Okay, so say we break up. And then say I start dating someone else. Would you be a little upset at that person?"

Castiel shook his head. He understood now, but she needn't worry. "No, he said he was over you," Castiel said. "He said it was over, and he was over you."

"Yeah, he _has_ to say that," Ember said, "That's what Dean says when he's mad about something."

Castiel shook his head. "But he even slept with someone else."

A flash of hurt shone in Ember's eyes, but she laughed. "Yeah," she said, "Because that's what Dean _does_ when he's not in a relationship."

"Well that's… that's just…" Castiel struggled for words.

"That's _Dean,"_ said Ember.

"Are you… are you just sleeping with me to get over him?" he asked carefully.

Ember's eyes flashed a warning, and she untangled herself from him, staring at him intensely. " _No_ , Cas," she said. "I haven't slept with anybody since Dean. I slept with you because… because I have _feelings_ for you. That's typically why people get into a relationship."

"I'm sorry for asking," Castiel said, holding out his arms.

Ember wriggled into them again, and Castiel breathed a sigh of relief. "It's okay," she said. "I know these things are new to you. You can read people pretty well, but you don't always understand human customs. But… just because a relationship is over, doesn't mean you suddenly stop having feelings for the person. Eventually you get over each other, but it's not something you can just turn on and off, you know?"

Castiel wanted to ask if Ember still had feelings for Dean, but he didn't want to make her angry again. He also had a feeling he already knew the answer.

"So… Dean still has… _feelings…_ for you?" Castiel asked carefully.

"Probably," said Ember. "It was never going to work, though. We just need some time apart, and then we'll be fine."

But this changed things. Why had he not thought about this? He remembered the feeling that he had forgotten something important, something that had to do with Dean… Had Ember thought about this, when she was with him last night?

"But… Dean's my friend," Castiel said. He felt guilty again, but also indignant. Would he give up this thing he had with Ember for his old friend? He didn't think so.

"Dean chucked you out," Ember said, looking disgusted with her old boyfriend. "When you needed him most. To keep secret a decision he never should've made in the first place. We both know that bunker's the safest place you could be right now."

"Even aside from Ezekiel, I still wouldn't want to put them in danger by staying-…"

"Bullshit," Ember said. "Look, it doesn't matter."

"But… it doesn't feel right not to tell him," Castiel said. "I don't like keeping secrets."

Ember paused, looking frustrated. "Castiel, I agree. I want to shout about our relationship to the rooftops. But… you're on the run right now, from just about everyone. And Dean is volatile at the best of times, and Sam's got an angel inside him that seems to have a few new ideas about living on Earth than he did when you last saw him. Adding Dean's anger about this new relationship that we have is just going to be too much for everyone, okay? And I'm not talking to Dean, and you're not talking to either one of them. And traditionally, _you_ need to be the one to tell Dean that we're together anyway, if you really want to save the friendship."

"Why?" Castiel asked.

"If you tell him, you can say, 'I'm sorry, but she's beautiful and I couldn't resist her, please still be my friend,' Ember said, smiling up at him and kissing him on the cheek. "But if I tell him, it'll just be his ex-girlfriend gloating about a new relationship with his best friend," Ember explained. "And he'll be even more mad at you, for not being the one to tell him."

"I should tell him then," Castiel said, confused.

"No," Ember said, "Not yet. Give him some time to get past things. You know… let him sleep with a few more women. Whatever. Then, when Ezekiel has finished healing Sam, you should tell him. Right now, it's just too complicated."

Castiel couldn't deny that he wasn't looking forward to telling Dean about this new relationship, if Dean was going to be angry with him. "I suppose so," he agreed reluctantly.

They grew quiet, and Castiel sighed. "Do you think… do you think it'll be that easy? Do you think he'll be okay with things if he has a few months to… sleep around?"

Ember sighed, turning around to face him. "No," she said. "I think it's going to suck. I think he's going to be pretty mad. But… you also saved his ass about a million times. You saved _the world_ , Castiel, more than once. If your friendship can survive you being _God_ , and breaking Sam, it can survive this."

Castiel felt the sharp stab of guilt again, but Ember added, "Besides… do you really want to give this up?"

Just the thought of giving up this small piece of happiness made Castiel want to cry. Crying was a new sensation that had only happened to him a couple of times, and he didn't much fancy it. "No," he admitted, kissing her again.

 **September**

Castiel had lived for thousands and thousands of years, but he couldn't remember ever being this happy.

Early September marked three months since April, the rogue reaper, had found him. In that time, he had not seen another angel, nor had the deaths of angels, or humans, continued to follow him. He wondered if perhaps they were no longer looking as hard. Perhaps they believed what he had told April before she had killed him, about not knowing what Metatron had intended. He was sure that they wouldn't hesitate to torture or capture him if they found him, but he supposed they had at least "called off their most vicious attack dogs," as Ember said one evening.

To test this theory, Castiel began to stay in one place for longer, and didn't move around as much. He favored a soup kitchen in Rexburg, ID, and he spent most of his time away from Ember there. After another month with no incidents, he surprised Ember by getting a job in Rexburg at a local gas station. She surprised him by setting him up in an apartment there under a fake name. They took turns visiting each other almost every week, as well. Usually she took a plane while invisible, but his schedule also accommodated the ability for him to work double shifts for several days in a row, then hitchhike his way to and from Conway Springs, KS during a 5-day break.

Castiel loved everything about Ember. He loved the way her body moved during sex, and the way she laughed when she thought nobody was listening. He loved the way she steadfastly refused to cook, and the way she smiled when he cooked for her. He loved the children, too, who seemed to grow, both physically and emotionally, each time he saw them.

All in all, Castiel was so happy that for the month of September he was able to forget – about Dean and Sam, about Ezekiel, about Metatron, and even about the other angels.


	27. S9 Part 5, Dean Finds Out

**Author's Note: Again, this chapter is similar to one in the sister story, Ember: Half-Demon, Half-Human. Check out "Heaven Can't Wait" in that story - I added some to this one, but there are some bits in the other that are from Dean's point of view that I'm fairly proud of.**

 **I don't own Supernatural!**

 **October**

Castiel had no doubt in his mind that he wanted to be with Ember forever. She was the only thing keeping at bay the guilt and sadness that threatened to overwhelm him when he thought too much about it, for one thing.

As time went on, he saw more and more on the news that he recognized as angelic activity, and as people (or angels) suffering as a result of his mistake. It began to grate on him, a giant bullet shooting through his cloud of happiness.

"Okay, Cas, let's think about this," Ember said one day when the guilt began to overwhelm him. "Let's tally this up a little bit. We're just going to count the amount of times you saved _the world_ , or at least thousands of people, and when we couldn't have done it without you."

"I've never saved-…"

"Bullshit," Ember said. "Okay, we'll start with when you saved literally all of us from Lucifer in Carthage. What would the world be like without the three of us?"

"You would've managed," said Cas.

"Again, bullshit. I was there. We had no way out, and we were surrounded by demons. And _Death,_ who was at Lucifer's direct command and in his presence immediately after you flew us away. Then you saved _the world_ from Pestilence, both in person, and by helping out with the Croatoan virus. And then you saved _the world_ with that Molotov cocktail. So that's three right there."

"And then I got cocky about it and tried to become God," Castiel said.

"Cas, I know why you did what you did, and you had no choice," Ember said. "You do understand that if you hadn't done that, we'd be living in some kind of freaky Apocalypse-world right now?"

"But the Leviathans…"

"You should've followed our advice, and stuck them all back in Purgatory right away," said Ember. "It's like Lord of the Rings, and you just couldn't manage to dump the ring back in the Fires."

"I don't understand that reference."

Ember rolled her eyes. "I'll put Lord of the Rings on the list of stuff you need to watch," she said. "Fine. So you saved _the world,_ which makes _four_ times, but killed a lot of angels. And you broke Sam."

"I thought you were-…"

"And then you _un_ broke Sam," Ember continued. "And then you _saved us_ from the Leviathans. We won't count that, if you like, since you let them out in the first place. You're still basically four world-saving events ahead.

"And then you did pennance, or so you've said, although to be honest you had already corrected what you had broken, so I don't know what the pennance was for."

"And then I betrayed the angels," he said miserably.

"Cas, you got _tricked._ Basically you're still three world-saving events ahead."

He was still unsure, and Ember tried again. "Cas, you, and Dean, and Sam, and me… we're major players. Saving the world is basically a once-a-year thing for us. The down side is, when we make a mistake… we make _big_ mistakes. It's bound to happen. But there are thousands of humans, and even a lot of angels out there, that are thankful for everything you've done… for their _existence._ "

"I don't want to be a 'major player,'" he said thoughtfully.

"Neither do I," she said. "I never have. And you're human now. And I know you hate it, but… just… be human. With me."

So he did. There was a strange dignity in working at the Gas 'N Sip, in babysitting on the side, in spending time with Ember's children… and in making Ember happy.

 **November 4**

It had been three months since the beginning of their relationship. Castiel had asked around, and done some studying online, but he wasn't sure when was the right time to say "I love you." He knew it wasn't right to do it "too early," but he was never sure how early was _too_ early, and how early was too late. He wished he could ask Dean, but he wasn't sure he wanted Dean's advice, even if Dean wasn't furious with him about the question.

For their three-month anniversary, Castiel decided that it was time. He had saved up enough money to buy Ember diamond earrings. They were tiny angel earrings. They had only one tiny diamond, but they held a field of protection as well, which would ward away demons when she was wearing them.

"Cas!" Ember exclaimed when she saw them and learned what they did. "Cas, this is… this is the most thoughtful gift anyone has ever given me!" And she leaned in to hug him.

"Ember… I love you," he told her, steeling his nerves.

She froze. "Cas, you're… you're not supposed to say that yet," she said. "It's only been three months."

He felt his face heat up. He should've waited.

"But… but I love you too, Cas," she added, glancing downward.

"You… you do?" he asked.

"Yeah," she said. "I mean… you're perfect, you know? You know what I've been through, and how to protect yourself, and how to deal with my demon issues. And you're kind, and you're hard-working, and you bought this with _honest_ money… it's everything I've ever wanted."

"You're everything I ever wanted too," he said in wonder, holding her close. "And I didn't even know it. For thousands of years, I had no idea…"

And he could forget his guilt for a little longer.

 **November 12**

Castiel hadn't been looking for a case, but he had happened upon one by accident: "Local man presumed dead. Fourth unexplained disappearance in weeks." He had a bad feeling it had to do with angels, and it was right there, in Idaho. Now, with a case in his back yard, the urge to do something helpful had never been so overwhelming.

"Don't do it on your own," Ember said. "Please, Cas, I'm begging you."

"Ember, you don't even have to ask," Castiel said. "I'm not an angel anymore. I'm not going to risk getting myself killed, not with everything I have to look forward to. You're still coming tomorrow for your birthday, right?"

"I sure am," she purred, and Castiel couldn't help but grin on his end of the phone line.

"Look, just make the call to Dean, and tell him you're busy, or… something," Ember said, sounding business-like again. "Just _don't_ tell Dean about us yet, okay?"

"I thought you said that the next time we talked, I _needed_ to tell him we were in a relationship," Castiel said. "It's been nearly six months since you guys broke up."

"Yeah, but not when he's going to be in your neighborhood," Ember said. "Jesus, Cas, he might come over and shoot you!" Castiel was still trying to figure out if Ember was joking or not when she continued. "Look, just tell him you're referring this case to him, but you're busy. Okay?"

"Yeah, I guess so."

So, Castiel called Dean. "I may have a case for you," he explained. "Four missing in Rexford, Idaho. Presumed dead, but no bodies have been released to loved ones. And, there were reports of a strange substance at the scenes."

"Oh, well, hello to you too, Cas," Dean said. "How are you?"

 _I'm dating Ember. Please don't be angry with me. I love her._ "I… am busy."

"Alright, so how do you want to do this? You want to meet up at the latest scene?You want me to pick you up? What?"

"Um… I've got my hands full over here," Castiel said. "I just thought you would want to know about the case." And then he hung up.

 **November 13**

Castiel was completing his work at the gas station when he was absolutely shocked – and horrified – to see Dean Winchester standing in front of his cash register. "I'll have some beef jerky and a pack of Menthols," he said.

"What are you doing here?" Castiel said, alarmed.

"Gee, it's nice to see you too, Cas," said Dean.

"It's 'Steve' now," Castiel said, pointing at his name badge. "And… you surprised me."

"Well, the feeling is mutual," Dean said. "I mean, I knew you had to lay low from the angel threat, but wow! This is some cover!"

 _I'm dating Ember._ "My grace is gone. What did you expect? Do you have any idea how hard it was when I fell to Earth? I didn't just lose my powers. I-…" _Was shunned by all the other angels, and then got kicked out by my best friends._ "I had nothing. Now? I'm a sales associate." _And I'm dating Ember._

"A sales associate?" Dean said in surprise.

"I'm responsible for inventory, sales, customer service. I keep this place clean and presentable. And when my manager's busy, I even prepare the food." Castiel was proud of his job. It was simple, and he was good at it. At least he was good at _something._

"Wow," said Dean. "So you went from fighting _heavenly battles_ … to nuking Taquitos?"

"Nachos too," said Castiel.

"This is not you, man. You are above this, come on," Dean said as Castiel took a box out of the back room.

"No, Dean, I'm not," Castiel said. _Ember says it's good work to start out and build a resume. Good_ honest _work._ "I failed at being an angel. Everything I ever attempted came out wrong. But here, at least I have a shot at getting things right. I guess you can't see it, but there's a real dignity in what I do. A human dignity."

Suddenly, the gas station phone rang. It was Ember, Castiel realized before he picked up the phone. "I just wanted to let you know, I'm getting on the plane," she said. "You'll still be there to pick me up?"

"Yes, I'll be there when you get here," he said, forgetting about Dean momentarily. "I can't wait until you're in my arms again."

When he got off the phone, Dean was grinning. "That's what this is about!" he exclaimed.

"What?" asked Castiel, still happy from the phone call.

"A _girl."_

"No, Dean, it's not," said Castiel, which was halfway true.

"Okay," said Dean, looking skeptical.

"Dean, there's something you should know," Castiel said, unable to wait any longer.

At that moment, however, Dean got a phone call about the case. "There was another kill over at the high school," Dean told Castiel when he hung up. "You comin'?"

"I wouldn't be much use," Castiel said. "I don't have my powers."

"So? I've never had powers," Dean answered.

"You're a hunter," Castiel said.

"And you're a hunter in training, remember?" Dean asked.

"Yeah, I remember," Castiel said. "You said I sucked."

"I didn't say _that_ ," Dean said. "I said that there was, uh, you know, _room for improvement._ Come on! _"_

Castiel was almost certain that he was going to regret this, but he missed Dean. "Alright, my shift's over in five minutes, and my date's not until later, so…"

"Attaboy," Dean said. "I'll go get the car."

"Not just yet," Castiel said. "I have to clean the bathroom."

Twenty minutes later, Castiel walked up to a sight that made him forget all about Ember for the first time in weeks. A girl had been vaporized at the high school – exploded into tiny bits of pink. "I've seen this before," Castiel said, near to tears. "In Heaven. Dean, this is bad," he said. "This is very bad. On the battlefields of Heaven, there was a special class of angel, the Rit Zien. It's Enochian for 'Hands of Mercy.' They functioned like medics. They tended to the wounded. They healed those that could be healed. But for the mortally wounded, those who were past saving, the Rit Zien's job was to put them down."

"But the granulated bodies?" asked Dean.

"This was their special ability," said Castiel. "They had this way of smiting that was so quick and so total that it rendered death virtually painless."

"Yeah, but these aren't wounded angels that they're vaporizing. They're people," Dean said.

"Right," Castiel said. "I don't know. The Rit Zien home in on pain, it's like a beacon to them. So when this angel fell to Earth, he heard the victim's cries, their anguish… same as he'd hear an angel's in Heaven. He's continuing his heavenly work down here, one suffering human at a time."

"Yeah, but this victim was not suffering," Dean said. "She was just a normal moody kid."

"But he just got here," said Castiel. "The ebb and flow of human emotion… Dean, I've been on Earth for a few years, and I've only begun to grasp it. Ember's been-…" He stopped, and he and Dean both froze.

As if in slow motion, Dean turned toward Castiel, who was sitting in the passenger seat of the parked Impala. "You've talked to Ember?"

It was now or never. "Dean, look, I wanted to tell you, but…" Dean was looking anxious, but he was waiting on Castiel to continue. "After you told me not to come back, I started staying at her place from time to time, and… we sort of… started… dating."

He waited for Dean to get angry, but instead Dean's lip curled up into a laugh. "No," he said, continuing to laugh. "No, you're not. I mean, I know you, like, had a bit of a crush on her, because of the demon attraction thing…"

Now Castiel was irritated. "Dean, I'm not making a joke."

Dean's face went from mildly amused to angry to skeptical. Finally he said, "How do you know you're dating?"

"We've agreed to only sleep with each other," Castiel said.

Now Dean's face had definitely moved toward angry. "Get the fuck out of my car," Dean said.

"Dean, I wanted to tell you I'm sorry, I-…"

"Was that Ember on the phone earlier?" Dean asked accusatorily.

"Yes, she-…"

"Get the _fuck_ out of my _car_ ," Dean said again.

So Castiel did.

-SPN-SPN-SPN-SPN-SPN-

"I don't think he's ever been that angry with me before," Castiel said miserably to Ember half an hour later. "He kicked me out of the Impala."

"He'll get over it," Ember said. "I mean, you would _think_ he would get over it. He got over it when you decided you were _God_." She was stroking Castiel's hair, holding his head in her lap. Both of them were laying on the full-size bed that was one of only two pieces of furniture in the sparse bedroom of his apartment.

Castiel winced at the memory. Maybe Dean had moved on from what he had done back then, but _he_ hadn't. "After everything Dean and I have been through together, even after Purgatory, I can't stand the thought of failing him _yet again._ "

Suddenly, Ember and Castiel heard a _thump_ at the door. Ember immediately went invisible, and both of them ran into the front room of the apartment. Castiel attempted to throw himself in front of Ember, but realized that he couldn't do so now that he could no longer see her when she was invisible. It was times like these – when others were in trouble – that he most missed being an angel.

Despite not being able to see the beings' true form, he somehow knew that it was Ephraim, the Rit Zien.

"Hello, Castiel," Ephraim said. "Ember." He looked around. "This is quite a squallid little dump."

"What do you want, Ephraim?" Castiel asked.

"You remember my name," the angel commented. "I was just a nobody when we met. But you – you were a legend. You've been here before. This is my first time, and it's… intense."

"You know, there's a lot you don't understand about humanity at first," Castiel said. Ember was staying silent, for which Castiel was grateful. If he could talk Ephraim down, maybe nobody else would have to die. "If you would just stop-…"

"Stop?" Ephraim asked. "I won't stop until I wash the planet clean of all suffering."

Ember threw a gust of force powers toward Ephraim, but they didn't seem to have any effect. Ember made toward Ephraim, but Castiel stood in front of his girlfriend, or at least in front of where he thought she must be. "Don't. Touch. Her," he told Ephraim, his voice low and dangerous.

"You think I came for her?" the angel asked. "No, Castiel. I came for you."

Castiel felt Ember shoot a gust of force power by him toward Ephraim again, but Ephraim easily held her back. Meanwhile, he continued his monologue. "So much pain, and despair. So many voices, begging out for relief."

"How'd you find me?" Castiel asked.

"Because you're warded?" asked the angel. "The same way I find all of my patients. I just followed the sound of your pain. You have no idea how loud it is. I could hear you for miles."

Castiel resented this, a bit. He was guilty, sure, and he had had an especially bad day today because of Dean, but he was also extremely happy these days with Ember. "Do you really think you're doing Heaven's work down here?" asked Castiel.

"I know I am," Ephraim said.

"You're wrong," Castiel said. "Earth can be a hard place. Emotions are difficult, they don't stay the same. These humans, they can get better. They're just doing the best they can." He was backing slowly toward the wall, where he and Ember had put up angel wardings behind picture frames.

"Is that what you think you're doing, Castiel? The best you can? Well I'm sorry, but if this is the best that the famed Castiel can do, you're a more urgent case than I thought." He scoffed. "I used to admire you. You failed more often than you succeeded, but at least you played big."

Just as Castiel had reached behind the painting, however, Ephraim grabbed his hand, yanking him easily away from the wall. "Now what are you doing?" he asked. "Burying your head in the sand. Right when your kind needs you the most! But don't worry. It'll be over soon. I'll take the pain away."

"I _want_ to _live_ , " Castiel said. Jesus, Ephraim was _crazy_.

"But as what, Castiel? As an angel? Or a man?"

And just when Ephraim's hand had almost touched Castiel, he heard a crash. Dean had come running through the door, angel blade held high. Ephraim threw him aside, just as he had Ember. "You say you want to live, but you can't see what I see. By choosing a human life, you've already given up. You chose… death."

But just as Ephraim once again raised his hand, Dean slid his angel blade across the floor. Castiel caught it, stabbing the angel with all his might through the heart.

There was a flash of light, and then Ephraim was no more.

Ember became visible as she fell forward, and the three of them stared at each other, frozen for a quick second. It was Castiel that spoke first." "You saved us," he said. "Dean, thank you."

But Dean was looking at the two of them. They weren't touching – Castiel had reached out for Ember's hand, but she had deftly maneuvered away from him out of respect for Dean. Still, Dean seemed disgusted, and he looked away from both of them. "Well, that's the case solved, then. You guys can handle the rest. I've got to get back to Sam."

"Dean!" they both called after him, but he strode to his Impala and did not look back.


	28. S9 Part 6, Saving Grace

**Author's Note: I think Dean would forgive Cas, after awhile, for being with Ember, especially in the face of everything that happens with Sam in this chapter. He's not really at that point YET, but he has to pretend he is. Keep in mind that this is now 7 months after their break-up. Dean has to save face. What do you think? Let me know in reviews. It was easier in the other story, Ember: Half-Demon, Half-Human, because I could tell things from Dean's point of view, but this is Cas-centric. (See the chapters "Holy Terror" and "Road Trip" in that story.) Let me know what you think in reviews!**

 **I don't own Supernatural.**

 **December 3**

Something had changed since the Rit Zein.

Before, Castiel had been able to bury his head in the sand, and turn a blind eye to the suffering of angels. Now, his eyes had been opened to exactly how bad things were. Since the Rit Zein, he had done more and more research. He had actively looked into angel kills and possessions, and the more he saw, the more upset he became.

He could no longer ignore the overwhelming guilt, even for Ember. Where before it had been something he only thought about when he was bored or had down time, now it was a constant companion.

He had come up with all sorts of suggestions to help the fallen angels, all of which Ember had shot down. She was right, he supposed. Killing himself to go to Heaven to see Metatron was a one-way ticket. Praying to the angels to see which one of them would show up was also probably suicidal.

"I appreciate you discussing this stuff with me and not just going off half-cocked and doing something stupid," Ember said darkly on one occasion. "Because Dean made these types of decisions without me, over, and over, and _over_ again. But _no_ , Cas… that's not going to do any good. How is your death going to help?"

When he read about a war between angels at a biker joint, however, he showed Ember excitedly. Here was something he could do – _finally –_ that would not almost certainly result in his immediate death.

"I'm coming with you," she said.

"This is my mess," he said. "You don't need to-…"

"I'm coming with you," she said again.

Truthfully, he wanted her with him, so he didn't protest further.

The scene of the crime was horrible to behold. There were dead bikers all around the biker joint, with a few church choir girls in between. Both sides had been angels, identifiable by the angle-blade-sized holes in their chests. There was blood everywhere, and the shapes of burnt wings could be seen on the floor between the tables.

Castiel had barely begun to look around when Sam and Dean came in. Ember spotted them first and nudged him, her face going sour. Castiel knew that she had yet to talk to Dean since their break-up. She still spoke with Sam at least once a week, but she described their conversations as "strained."

Still, Castiel was happy to see them. Perhaps a month of distance had done Dean good, and he was less angry now.

The four of them greeted each other stiffly. "Cas, what the hell are you doing?" asked Dean gruffly.

"Um, I still have that badge you gave me," Castiel admitted, referring to his FBI badge.

"Yeah," Dean said. "Uh… what the hell are you doing?"

"The murders were all over the news," Castiel said. "I thought I might be of help." Ember frowned, avoiding Dean's gaze.

"Yeah, but Cas, you know this is an _angel_ situation, right?" asked Sam. "You left that night because angels were on your ass."

"Yeah, and you were living the life, you know?" Dean asked. "Early retirement, working your way up the Gas N' Sip ladder?" " _Dating my ex"_ was implied – even Castiel could tell that.

"If angels are slaughtering one another, I have to do what I can to help," Castiel said. "This is a risk we should be willing to take, don't you think?"

Ember was staring at Dean, as if daring him to contradict.

Castiel grinned when he received no answer. "Cas is back in town!" he said, trying to stay positive.

"Seriously, did you - Did he just say that?" Dean asked Sam.

Castiel ignored them. "These angels, they were butchered," he said, holding up the folder for the brothers to see now that the bodies had been taken away. "Much more violence than was required."

"Definitely took more than one or two killers to pull this off," Sam commented, also looking at the pictures Castiel had provided. Castiel was glad Sam had taken his hint to ignore "the elephant in the room" – a colloquialism he had picked up from Ember.

"Hit squad? Bartholomew's people?" asked Dean.

"Well, Bartholomew has a faction we know about, but this could be somebody else entirely," Sam said. "We don't know."

"Well, whoever it is, we'll find them," said Castiel, flashing everyone grins.

Ember spoke, for the first time that day. "Please, Dean. We need your help."

Dean stared at Castiel and Ember. He appeared to be thinking something over. Finally, he nodded once.

Castiel grinned. Perhaps things would get back to normal.

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

"It is so good being together again," Castiel said over beers half an hour later.

"It's fuckin' weird," Dean admitted. "But I guess we've always made a good team." Ember shot a sidelong look of surprise at Dean, but Castiel knew his old friend hadn't caught it. This was going better than he'd hoped. Dean was speaking to him, at least.

"We have to figure out who we're up against, what do they want, and how do we stop them," Sam was saying.

"Well, Bartholomew wants to reverse Metatron's spell," Castiel said. "Presumably to – to retake Heaven once his following is large enough. That's according to April."

Ember frowned, and Castiel realized too late he shouldn't have mentioned her in front of Ember. Dean caught the frown, and smiled just slightly. "The reaper you banged," he clarified, and Castiel understood his implied insult to both of them.

"And you stabbed," Castiel added. Perhaps reminding Dean of shared experiences and camaraderie would make this less awkward.

"Yeah," Dean said. "She was hot." A further attempt to insult.

Castiel made an attempt at de-escalating the situation. "I thought so as well," he admitted. "Up to the point she started torturing me." Ember rolled her eyes and shot Dean a dirty look, and the moment was over.

"I'm gonna get us another round," Sam commented.

"I'll get it," Castiel said. He took a drink from his beer again. It was very different, drinking beer as a human. Somehow Ember had fallen out of the habit of keeping beers in the home, and he worked too much to bother to keep them in Idaho. "You know, I've never done this before," he said, smiling and walking away. Dean was ornery, Castiel could see that… but, again, at least they were _speaking._

"Here we go," Castiel said, returning with the beers and handing Ember water. "Three brewskies."

"I'm going to get something out of the car," Sam said pissily, rising suddenly from his seat and marching away.

"What's Sam's deal?" Castiel asked once he was gone.

"That was Ezekiel," Ember groaned, rolling her eyes. "He wants you to leave."

Castiel's heart dropped. Things had been going well… _sort of_ … Castiel looked down at the table. "Perhaps I _should_ leave," he said.

"I'm really sorry, Cas," said Dean, though the sincerity didn't reach his eyes. "But it might be best."

Ember gave Dean a look that could burn through concrete, and locked her arms with Castiel. "Come on, Cas. Let's get the hell out of here."

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

"I can't do it anymore, Ember," Castiel said, defeated. "I'm sorry, but I just can't."

"Don't listen to them, they're assholes," Ember said to him. "We'll investigate ourselves."

"We have _no leads,"_ Castiel said exasperatedly.

"Cas, I've told you a million times, it's a suicide mission."

He didn't care anymore. He just didn't care. The guilt was thumping, unceasing. He could do nothing to help, _nothing_ , and now even Dean and Sam hated him.

Ember had been right all along… love _didn't_ conquer all. The realization hit him like a ton of bricks. "Ember, you've told me that your relationship with Dean ended because he made horrible decisions without telling you, decisions that could jeopardize your future and the future of your children. So that's why I'm telling you, Ember. I'm sorry, but this has gone on too long."

Ember looked as though she'd been slapped. "Cas," she choked out. "Cas, you can't be serious. What you want to do is _suicide_."

"Maybe not," Castiel argued. "The angels couldn't all come at once. They're in disarray. They don't have anyone to listen to." He didn't want to die, but he had to do _something._

"They have Bartholomew," said Ember crossly. "And the other faction leaders, whoever they are. And _everyone_ is after _you."_

"Ember, this is my _responsibility,"_ he said. "This is my _fault._ I can't sit idly by and watch it happen, _not anymore."_

"Castiel, I understand how you feel, but you're _not_ an angel, you're-…"

"Exactly!" he shouted, and Ember looked at him in surprise. "I'm not an angel! I'm a damn human, and I feel helpless! I wanted _so badly_ for _this,_ for _us_ , to make me happy enough to keep living like this! And I love you, I love you _so much!_ But I can't anymore, Ember. I can't even look at myself in the mirror anymore, because I've done nothing, _nothing_ to help, even though I was the one that destroyed _everything!"_

Then he collapsed on the bed, tears falling freely. He hadn't wanted to cry in front of her… but he could no longer hold back the tears that had been threatening to overwhelm him since he had left the Winchesters in the bar.

Ember was silent, though she put her arm around him. "I'm going with you," she said finally.

"You can't," he insisted, startled. "You have children who need you."

"They need you too," Ember said.

"Not the way they need you," Castiel said. Ember was also crying, and he pulled her close. He wished he didn't have to hurt her like this… but he had made up his mind. There were too many deaths.

"Ember, if I survive this, I promise – I _promise_ I'll come home, and raise the kids with you, like we both want. But I _have_ to try. I have to try, and you have to let me, and not try to come with me."

There was nothing else to say. Castiel knew that Ember knew that he was right. She had seen how miserable he had been the last few months. This wasn't depression, or even "normal human guilt." He may not be an angel, but in his heart he had never stopped being one. "I love you, Castiel," she whispered.

 **December 4**

If it weren't for Ember, Castiel would reflect later, he might have taken his punishment. He might have simply allowed himself to be killed by the henchman of the leader of the second faction, Malachi, the Anarchist.

But to tell the truth, he wanted to keep helping. He wanted to help other angels, like Muriel – Muriel, who had been refusing to pick sides in the war, and who Malachi had killed for it. And, he wanted to go back to Ember. He wanted to be someone Ember could be proud of.

So he told the lies he needed to tell to escape. "It's true… Metatron and I do have a working relationship. You're clever, Theo. We could use a skilled soldier like yourself." And then, when he was free, he did something he had promised himself that he would never, ever do again – he killed them all, and stole a grace back for himself.

Then he made a single phone call, before he headed back to Ember's. He counted himself lucky when he heard Dean's voice at the other end. "Dean, I don't have a lot of time, so listen. The leader of the opposition is an angel named Malachi."

"How do you know that?"

"He had me. I was tortured. But I got away."

"How?"

Castiel paused. Guilt still pricked at him, even harsher than before. _"Just following your example, Castiel,"_ Malachi had said. " _How many did you kill in Heaven? And in the Fall?... A host of angels died in the fall. Died doesn't even begin to describe it. Wings shredded, unspeakable agony at your hands…"_

But now, with a grace, he could make things right again. Now he could finally be helpful. "I did what I had to. I became what they've become. A barbarian," he said finally.

"Cas, what are you – where are you?" Castiel was glad to hear Dean's concern, even after he had rebelled him the other day.

"It's better I don't say over the phone," Castiel replied. "They're gonna want me even more now. But I'll be alright, I… I got my grace back. Well… not mine, per se, but it'll do."

"Wait, you're – you're back?" Dean asked. "You got your mojo?"

"I'm not sure," Castiel said honestly, "but I _am_ an angel."

"And you're okay with that?" Dean asked.

"If we're going to war, I need to be ready," Castiel said.

"Cas-…"

"Dean, there's more," Castiel said hurriedly. "Ezekiel… he died, in the fall. I just found out. Whatever angel is inside of Sam… it's not him."

Dean was silent on the other end. Then, finally, he said, "Thanks, Cas. I gotta go."

"Good luck," Castiel said. "I'll come as soon as I can, if you'd like."

"Yes, please," Dean said.

 **December 5**

It was still dark outside when Castiel finally arrived back at Ember's house in Conway Springs, KS. He had called the previous evening from a payphone, but he had only said that he had "survived" and that he was "on his way". He had also told her, "our friend is in trouble. I'll pick you up, and then we must go there." Ember had asked if he was sure he didn't want to stay the night in Wyoming before heading to Kansas, but he had simply answered, "That won't be necessary."

When Castiel arrived, however, he realized with annoyance that the house was warded against angels. He had forgotten about that. Slowly, he knocked.

He heard a shuffle outside, and then Ember opened the door.

Castiel almost stepped back in alarm and surprise. He was so used to coming to this door as a human that he had forgotten what it was like to be near her as an angel. She radiated power, and the ethereal smell was back. There was something different, too – everything was different, because now he was no longer restrained by either the confines of being a "proper angel" or the fact that she was dating Dean. Now she was _his_ – a very human thought.

"Cas!" she screamed, running toward him. "You're – how?"

But he didn't register the words. He simply swept her off her feet, kissing her hungrily. He was lost, so caught up in her that he no longer knew where he ended and she began. It had _never_ been like _this_ before…

She responded in kind, wrapping her legs around him, and he was just about to take her inside when he felt the uncomfortable sting of the angel warding. He cursed in Enochian.

"You're an angel again," she said wonderously. "How…"

She looked thoroughly kissed, and Castiel's desire was still potent, though his embarrassment at his actions was currently forefront in his mind. Straightening his tie, he said, "I'll tell you on the way. Are you ready to head to the bunker? We can deal with the angel-proofing later."

Ember nodded, still shocked. "I'm driving," she said.

"Fine," Castiel said. "Never did get the hang of it, anyway."

Twenty minutes later, Castiel had explained everything to Ember about how he had stolen another angels' grace. "I feel terrible," he finished. "But I did what I had to do. I wanted to come back to you."

Ember looked at him shrewdly for as long as she could before she had to look back at the road. "So… nothing between us has… changed?" she asked carefully.

"Yes, much has changed," Castiel said, trying to concentrate on his words and not his desire for her. "I will of course quit my job in Idaho, though perhaps I should keep my apartment for now. There is other work I can do, now, which will be more helpful. We will have to be even more discreet, of course. The angels are looking for me more now than ever.

"There's so much more I can do to help now that I have grace again. I can attempt to reason with Bartholomew, perhaps-…"

"So… nothing has changed _between us?"_ she asked, cutting him off.

Castiel was alarmed suddenly. _Had_ things changed between them? Would things change for her, now that it was safer for him to take a more active role in helping the angels? He certainly hoped not… but perhaps that wasn't what she wanted.

He would take his best shot. "I meant what I said, Ember. I love you. Maybe I will outlive you a long time, now – maybe not. But I would be honored to spend the life you have with you."

Ember smiled at him and reached over to squeeze his hand. "I love you too, Cas. And I would like that."

Castiel breathed a sigh of relief.

 **December 6**

Castiel and Ember had come as quickly as they could, but it had been too late.

"After you told me it wasn't Ezekiel, I did a spell," Dean said. "But it didn't work. Whatever angel was inside Sam…" He stopped talking, then collected himself again. "He heard me planning the spell. He killed Kevin, and then he disappeared."

First there was the matter of finding Sam. Fortunately, Dean apparently still had Crowley locked in his basement, and one of Crowley's contacts had managed to track the Impala, which Sam's angel had stolen, ultimately leading them to a place called Somerset.

From there, Castiel had an idea that he hoped would help. "Do you remember Alfie?" he asked Dean. In the wake of an emergency with his brother, Dean seemed to have forgiven Castiel, at least temporarily. There were moments where their discussions were almost back to normal, for which Castiel was thankful. If his idea saved Sam, perhaps Dean would forgive him completely.

"The kid angel? Yeah. Why?" Dean asked.

"Before he died, he told me the demons were able to dig into his mind, access his coding. We might be able to do that here. We might be able to bypass the angel and talk directly to Sam."

"And you think that would work?" asked Dean.

"I don't know, but I think we should try," Castiel said.

They tried… and tried… and _tried._ After hours, nothing Crowley did in the way of torture appeared to be affecting the angel, aside from making him scream in pain. He continued to refuse to leave Sam's body.

Ember had left shortly after the torture had began and not returned. Castiel didn't blame her. He would leave too, if he could, and if this wasn't an angel matter.

Finally, even Dean could stand it no longer. "I can't watch that anymore," he told Castiel. The angel followed Dean into the bowels of the abandoned building where they had chained up Sam. From there they could still hear the screaming, and even see Crowley, but it was not quite as graphic.

"I understand," Castiel said. "It's not Sam, but… It's still Sam."

"Pretty much, yeah. How are you doing?"

Castiel was surprised. "You want to talk about me now?"

Dean looked pained. "I want to talk about anything that's not a demon sticking needles into my brother's brain." He looked out of a window. "Yeah, humor me, man. How are you doing?"

"Uh... I'm okay," Castiel said. He paused. Finally, he added, "I miss your friendship." He paused again, before adding, "I'm sorry. About Ember, I mean."

"Not sorry enough to let her alone, I suppose," Dean said.

"No," Castiel said slowly. "Not… not that sorry." He paused, then added in his defense, "You told me you were over her."

"I _-..."_ Dean cut himself off, then sighed. "Dude, you really don't get humans."

Castiel thought a moment, then said, "I think I'm starting to."

Both men were quiet for a minute. Then Dean said, "If you hurt her, I'll kill you."

"I understand," Castiel said.

Silence, again. Then Dean said, "It never would've happened if I hadn't kicked you out of the bunker."

Castiel nodded. "You thought Sam's life was at stake."

"Yeah," Dean said, "I got played."

Castiel sighed, looking at Dean. "I thought I was saving Heaven. I got played, too."

"Maybe we're both a couple of dumbasses," Dean said, smiling at him weakly.

Castiel smiled back, his smile a bit more wide than Dean's. "I prefer the word 'trusting.' Less dumb. Less ass."

Suddenly, they heard Crowley yell, "Laverne! Shirley! Get in here!" They rushed into the other room, only to find Sam unconscious.

"Pinhead's out cold, but watch this," said Crowley. He moved two of the needles stuck in Sam's left temple.

The angel sucked in a breath and began to speak in Enochian. "Zir noco iad Gadreel. Zir noco iad Gadreel."

"What's he saying?" asked Dean.

"His name. Gadreel," Castiel answered. Anger surged within him until it boiled over. How could this have happened? If he had only been an angel earlier…

"Does that mean something to you?" asked Dean.

"Well, it's why I've never seen him," answered Castiel. "He's been imprisoned since the dawn of time. Gadreel was the sentry who allowed Lucifer into the garden."

"My, my. A celebrity," said Crowley.

"Wait, _the_ garden? Like, Eden? Adam and Eve? Fig-leaves garden?"

"It's his fault – all of it!" Castiel exclaimed, letting his anger get the better of him. "The corruption of man, demons, _Hell_. God left because of him. The archangels – the Apocalypse. If he hadn't been so weak, none of it would have happened." Castiel had grabbed Gadreel by the jacket and begun to shake him. "You ruined the universe, you damn son of a bitch!" He was angry at Gadreel, but he was also angry at Dean, at Sam, and most of all at himself.

Dean grabbed Castiel quickly. "Cas! Cas! Hey!"

"Dean, he-…"

"I get it," Dean said, worried for his friend. "But you've got to chill. Go find Ember, and bring her back here."

Castiel took a walk, and found Ember sitting outside in the car reading a book. Her presence calmed him, and together they headed back in to face Gadreel.

In the end, it was Crowley that saved Sam. Castiel watched, in Sam's head, as Crowley convinced Sam that he was being possessed and together they fought to expel Gadreel. For all that Gadreel had done, he _had_ healed Sam – Castiel could see that. There was still quite a bit of healing to be done, but Castiel felt confident that he could do the rest without possession, over a period of time. He wished that Sam felt better, but he was also glad of a reason to continue to gain Dean's friendship and forgiveness.

Castiel could tell that Sam was angry with Dean. The group stopped at the side of the road so that Castiel could begin the healing. Afterward, Ember squeezed Castiel's hand and drug him backward, away from the two brothers as they argued.

The arguing seemed to go on forever. He had seen the two brothers argue, but never like this. Ember squeezed his hand, and he took comfort from her.

"I was ready to die, Dean!" Sam exclaimed at one point, and Dean looked miserable.

"I tried to tell him," Ember whispered. Castiel saw a tear on her face, and brushed it away. Ember gave a fearful look at Dean, and Castiel moved backward again, resolutely letting go of her hand.

It was difficult – he wanted to touch her, all the time. Becoming an angel again had made things much, much worse.

Finally, Dean climbed into the Impala, and Sam headed toward Ember's car looking dejected.

"What happened?" Ember asked.

"Dean's leaving for awhile," Sam answered.

Ember nodded. "Ride home?" she asked him solemnly.

"Please," said Sam, folding his large frame into the tiny car.

The three of them drove in silence for awhile. It had been almost twenty minutes, and Castiel thought that perhaps Sam was asleep. Out of nowhere, Sam said, "Ember… that's why you and Dean broke up." It was a question, not a statement.

"Yeah, Sam," Ember said, not looking at him from the drivers' seat. Then she added, "I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

"No," said Sam, "I understand." Then he added, "And Cas… I'm so sorry. I'm sorry to both of you. I'm sorry for all the trouble, Cas, and all the months you spent homeless, and… and for my brother."

Ember shook her head. "Sam… I'm _happy_. I know Cas and I will take some getting used to. And I didn't expect it, it just sort of… happened. But… he makes me happy. And I hope someday that Dean will be okay with that... or at least okay with Cas."

Castiel smiled, placing a hand on Ember's upper arm. For once, even in Sam's presence, she allowed it.


	29. S9 Part 7, I am No Leader

**Author's Note: Most of the reason I wanted to write a more Castiel-centric version of the sister story, Ember: Half-Demon, Half-Human was because I wanted to fill in the gaps. What did Castiel do when he was away from Dean, Sam, and Ember? Truthfully quite a bit of this story is more of a "missing pieces" story and doesn't need to include Ember at all, though I feel that it's better with her and I like for Castiel to have a love interest. This chapter is all new content and almost none of it is in the sister story.**

 **I don't own Supernatural. Please review! Thank you for your continued reviews!**

 **December 8**

Sam, and then later Castiel, drove most of the way back to Kansas. Castiel had assisted in putting Ember to sleep in the back seat. Sam had seemed dejected when they had dropped him back off at the bunker, but Castiel promised to drop in on him in a couple of days. It was early in the morning by the time Castiel and Ember finally returned to Ember's home in Conway Springs.

During the absence, the children had erased the angel warding and moved it to their rooms only and to the basement. It was Sunday, and Ember was off work - a perfect day for Castiel and Ember to spend the day together and celebrate him getting his powers back, now that the Winchester crisis had been resolved.

Castiel barely made it into the house, so strong was the urge to be with Ember. It had been a constant urge of his, never far from his mind even during the past few days with Dean. He had spent years loving her from afar as an angel, and a few months being intimate with her as a human. But this… this was uncomparable.

He picked her up feverishly.

"Cas…!" she exclaimed.

"'Need you," he said roughly. He didn't want to tell her that he had forgotten what she smelled like when he was an angel, how strong her powers of attraction powers were. Now that he knew what it was like to truly _be_ with her, it only intensified this.

He began to tug at her shirt. "Cas," she moaned. "Bedroom… bedroom!"

Castiel did a mental scan of the house and noted that Aidan was upstairs with one of his friends. He picked up Ember and obediently took her to the bedroom.

Once he had shut the bedroom door, he pulled her backward on the bed so that she was in his lap, desperate for some sort of contact with her. She wiggled purposefully and he groaned, already hard. It occurred to him then that he was an angel once again, and he no longer had to spare the time for things like buttons and straps – he could simply snap his fingers and their clothing would be on the other side of the room.

He did so, and she looked around in shock, tensing. "Where-…!"

He pointed to a neat and folded pile on the opposite side of the room, all the while running his hands down her finally naked flesh.

"Cool!" she said after a moment, and then relaxed into him, wiggling again on top of him. She reached backward and began touching any part of him she could find, setting his skin on fire with each touch.

He reached her most sensitive part and she moaned out his name. Then something occurred to him. " _Before he Fell, he bragged about things he could do to humans, that he could coax out of them wonderful things during sex, using his angel powers. He said if our powers weren't for this, what were they for? But our Father gave us these powers to do good…" Domiel had said._

 _"Father said that sex is a beautiful thing," Castiel had protested._

 _Domiel had considered. "Our kind wasn't meant to make love with humans, Castiel." She paused for a second, as though she didn't entirely believe this. "But perhaps his sin was more that he made love with many different human women."_

In his current state, Castiel didn't spare a thought for Domiel, but instead continued his ministrations. He felt the heat pool between Ember's thighs, and used his angel powers to bring on the explosion he could already sense.

She gasped, quaking and then sagging against him. "C-Castiel, what the f-…"

"Angel powers," he whispered into her ear.

She wiggled out of his embrace and faced him. He had only a second of warning before she pounced, knocking him flat on the bed and kissing him hard. Somehow he found his way inside her, and sharp stabs of pleasure began shooting up his spine.

She set a pace, but he wanted a faster one, and he knew she was tired from her own orgasm. He rolled them over and thrusted in earnest. He tried to hang onto the fact that she was human and he didn't want to hurt her, but after a few minutes even that was gone, and there was only bliss. She cried his name on a gasp, and he came with her, finally sating the need he had had for the past few days.

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

"Is it different now, than it used to be?" she asked him, hours later. They had done little else for most of the day aside from having sex. Castiel had assisted with some cleaning tasks that Ember insisted needed to be done, but overall it had been a day of bliss and leisure. Ember's words from years before returned to him: " _When was the last time you did something simply because you enjoyed it?"_ The thought made him smile.

"Very much so," he answered. "Food does not taste like it used to. I can taste all of the molecules now, instead of tasting the food as a whole. It's disgusting. I miss the taste of food." He looked at her reflectively. "I don't miss requiring it constantly, though."

Ember looked at him with surprise. "Yeah? What else?"

"I no longer have to do mundane human things," Castiel said. "Like sleep, and urinate." He pulled her toward him, sprawling out farther on her bed as he did so.

"What about sex?" she asked with trepidation.

He grinned widely. He had thought that this was obvious, but perhaps it wasn't. "It's much better," he said. "Have you not noticed?"

"I wasn't sure if… if it was good for you, though. Or if you were just doing it because you knew it was what I wanted…"

"I very much enjoy it," he said, quirking a smile at her.

She smiled back at him, tracing a finger down his chest. "And your… your love for me?" He raised an eyebrow. "It's just… I know angels don't feel emotions the same way that humans do," Ember said.

"I loved you when I was human," he answered, nodding. "Now, your powers and your smell, your demon attraction, have added to this love and amplified it even more. My love for you and my desire to help the angels, and my resolve to rectify my failures, are the only emotions I have now that I am once again a celestial being. The everyday problems are no longer a concern, and it leaves more room for more important emotions." It was an oversimplification, but it would work for the sake of this conversation.

"Okay," she said. "I just… I guess I was worried things have changed."

He smiled at her. "I love you, Ember. And I'll always love you."

"But Cas," she said, looking at him suddenly with concern, "You'll live so much longer as an angel, now, than me."

Castiel frowned. He didn't want to think about the time he would spend without her after she passed. He could visit her in Heaven, true… but it wouldn't be the same. Actually, the thought made him realize that this time with her was precious. There had been enough conversation…

"This is true," he said, squeezing her shoulder as though tightening his grip on her mortality. "But we won't have to worry about it for at least another 150 to 200 years…" He began to kiss a trail across her collar bone."

"Cas, what are you talking about?" she mumbled.

"Stop worrying," he said, kissing across the underside of her neck. "It'll be at least 200 years, won't it, with you being half-demon… shhhh."

Ember froze, and Castiel moved back from her. Had he offended her by pointing out that she was half-demon? He knew she was sensitive to it, but he hadn't meant it, or even voiced it, as an insult… "Castiel, what do you mean?" she asked, sounding alarmed. "I… what do you mean at least 200 years?"

Castiel backpedaled and tried to explain himself. "Well, you'll live 2 or 3 times as long as the average human, obviously, with you being half-demon." _Had she not known?_ "I mean… you knew that… right?"

"No," Ember said. "I had no idea. I…" She looked at him helplessly.

He pulled her into his arms. He hadn't meant to cause her pain. "I'm sorry," he said genuinely. "I thought you knew. But this is a good thing, Ember. It means we have all that time together…"

Ember looked penseive, but still seemed unsure.

"If you'd like, I can show you how I feel about you," he said, his blue eyes dancing as he had an idea. He had been inside Ember's mind on four memorable occasions: their first meeting, immediately after she had killed her client to get at Alastair, when she was attempting to show Castiel what had happened with the Trickster, and finally, when he had attempted to erase her memories. The last time had been almost three years ago. Castiel never thought he would get the opportunity again – and never completely willingly.

"What do you mean?" asked Ember.

Castiel held out two fingers, requesting permission, and Ember nodded.

He sunk into her mind like a hot bath, allowing it to permeate his being and heal him completely. He hadn't thought it would be possible to be any more happy than he had been this day…

Finally, he reflected the feel of her mind back at her, so that she could see what he was feeling. He heard the intake of her breath when it hit her, and he squeezed her other hand, which he only just now realized he was holding.

"Cas," she whispered. "This is – this is how you feel?"

"Always," he told her, kissing her softly.

They stayed that way for a very long time.

 **December**

Castiel didn't talk to Dean for almost two months after the incident with Gadreel, but neither did Ember or Sam. Dean had made his choice to go out on his own, and Sam said that he "needed some space."

On the contrary, Sam was at Ember's house at least once a week, and she brought the kids to the bunker at least twice a month. Sam made excuses for how often he was coming around – to help with a new kind of angel proofing, for example, or to help teach the kids to fight. Still, Castiel suspected that he missed Dean more than he was willing to admit.

Castiel finished healing Sam. They attempted a procedure that, had it succeeded, would have allowed them to trap Gadreel using the remnants of his grace left in Sam's body. Ultimately, however, the procedure was very painful for Sam, and Castiel refused to complete it.

Although Castiel was once again an angel, the price on his head was even higher now than when he had been human. This caused a security issue for Ember's tiny house. They had removed the angel warding from the home in general and placed it in the children's individual rooms, but it wasn't enough. Ultimately, Castiel, Sam, and Ember worked their schedules so that one of the three of them was always home with the children in case angels came looking for Castiel. Meanwhile, the angel did his best to make sure that he came and went unseen.

The small family spent a memorable Christmas at the bunker. Christmas was an odd holiday, and Castiel had never been as involved with it as he was now. He found that he liked the traditions of human Christmas, despite the fact that many of them made no sense, and almost all of them retained little similarity or representation of the events in Bethlehem many years previous.

"I don't understand what Santa Claus has to do with Jesus," he said one evening.

"Neither do I," said Ember. "I think Santa Claus got added later. But only part of it is about Jesus, Cas. A lot of it is about giving gifts to others, and celebrating family."

"If we're celebrating family, then Dean should be here."

"I agree," said Ember, "But that's up to him, you know?"

So Christmas occurred without Dean. Castiel made a gift for him and saved him some Christmas food in the fridge, but ultimately the food got moldy and Castiel was forced to throw it out.

 **January**

In January, Castiel left for weeks at a time to search for Metatron. He had quit his job at the gas station in Idaho upon getting back his grace, but he continued his old pattern of staying with Ember for one or two days out of every week. The rest of the time, he worked tirelessly to combat the plight of the angels. He strengthened two new safe-houses for himself, Ember, and the children if they should need one on short notice. He sought out other angels who needed help or wanted advice, though he tried to stay off of angel radar unless he knew the angels in question wouldn't try to kill him on sight. Most of all, he searched for Metatron… but there was no luck.

Near the end of January, Sam informed Castiel and Ember that Dean had once again resumed hunting with him. Castiel called Dean, and was pleased when Dean agreed to meet him for a beer.

 **February**

Castiel was texting and calling Dean almost as much as they had done before Castiel had become human, and then begun dating Ember. Despite Sam agreeing that Dean could hunt with him again, Sam had apparently also him that he "can't trust you – not the way I thought I could. Not the way I should be able to."

"He told me, 'If you want to work, let's work. If you want to be brothers… those are my terms,'" Dean complained to Castiel on one of the rare occasions they met for beers. Castiel had had to drive six hours out of his way to meet up with Dean, but Dean didn't need to know that. Somehow, Castiel was miraculously managing to maintain his relationship with Ember as well as resume his friendship with Dean.

"It won't last," Castiel told him. "You're brothers. You've both made mistakes. So have I. The things we've done, sometimes, have determined whether or not the universe gets to survive another day. But just because we play big, doesn't mean we're perfect. Sometimes we just make the wrong call."

Dean seemed to feel better after his conversation with Castiel. They talked a lot about Castiel's hunt for Metatron, and some about Dean's more recent hunts. Dean never discussed Ember, however, and Castiel was all too keen to follow this rule if it meant he could maintain this very complex friendship.

In regards to Ember, Castiel had learned that Valentine's Day was very important to humans. (Aidan had tipped him off, actually.) With Aidan's help, Castiel managed to sweep Ember away for a romantic getaway to Miami for four days near the middle of the month. It was four days of sex, bliss, and happiness.

 **February 25**

After Miami, Castiel finally thought he had a lead on Metatron. He was tracking an angel named Rebecca, who had been friends with Metatron before Lucifer was cast into the cage. They had been best friends, actually, like himself and Domiel.

As it turned out, however, Rebecca had had no contact with Metatron since before the Fall, according to Elijah, the last remaining member of the Penitants.

"Another faction," said Castiel gruffly.

"Not like the others," said Elijah. "We don't make war. We live humbly among these humans. Or we did. He killed all the others. And he killed Rebecca."

"Who did?" Castiel asked.

"Who else? The monster. Bartholomew."

As it turned out, however, Castiel wasn't the only angel who had been tailing Rebecca; Bartholomew had sent a delegation, as well.

Finally, he would face the leader of the opposite faction, one of the leaders of this-

"Madness, wasn't it?" asked Bartholomew jovially, reliving the war a few years previous. "A puny force of 20 behind enemy lines, launching an incursion against Raphael and his loyalists."

"It was a calculated risk," Castiel said, with a small hint of pride. Things had gone completely wrong after that, of course, but he supposed that in this conversation, at least, it was appropriate (if not necessary) to take pride in his previous success as a Commander.

Bartholomew had once been a direct subordinate, but free will had not done him any favors. At least Malachi the Anarchist, the leader of the other major faction, had always had a reputation for operating somewhat off the beaten path – rather like Castiel himself. Bartholomew was different – he had taken Castiel's worst example of free will and applied it to something far less important than averting the Apocalypse.

"I thought you'd gone insane, and I questioned your leadership, second-guessed every step of the campaign," said Bartholomew, his eyes betraying his previous loyalty. "But you were my Commander. I held my tongue. I followed orders. Raphael fled. Most of his loyalists, dead or captured. Your gambit paid off. You...Won."

If he'd had it to do over, Castiel wouldn't have killed as many of his loyalists. The numbers were too few now. But it wouldn't do to explain this.

" _We_ won," Castiel said, a proper Commander.

"Word of your victory spread," Bartholomew continued. "You got called back to the garrison. You became the great Castiel... While I stayed behind, just a grunt."

But that wasn't true – not entirely, and Castiel knew this. When he returned to Heaven from the battlefields as God, he left loyalist captives on the battlefield and was unspecific about what to do with them. This, too, had been a poor decision – he should have commanded mercy.

The loyalists in Bartholomews' care had been the worst off. Most angels had chosen to kill any captives under their care, but Bartholomews' garrison had tortured and mutilated their charges. Castiel remembered the gruesome scene. Even with the Leviathans swirling inside him and egging him on, he had still called it "unnecessary and disgusting."

"You gained a reputation for yourself, as well," Castiel accused. "The captives I left in your care… you tortured and killed them."

"I was ordered to kill those captives," Bartholomew said, his blue eyes narrowing at the suggestion that he had been insubordinate. "You've been flying solo for so long, you've forgotten that's what angels do. We follow orders."

"Not you, though. Not anymore," said Castiel.

"That's right. I give them," said Bartholomew, suddenly stern. He stood so that he towered over Castiel.

Then he held out a hand, the threat gone from his voice. "Come, old friend. Let me show you my base of operation."

What followed was a long tour of a very militant organization. Castiel agreed with parts of it. Barthlomew was also looking for Metatron, and he was attempting to find a way to reopen the gates to Heaven.

Other parts were less agreeable, particularly the parts about going after various factions and finding human vessels no matter the cost.

During the tour, Bartholomew's followers all took time to stare at Castiel. Some of the stares were curious, and others appeared malicious. Why was Castiel here? When would the questioning commence, the torture? Bartholomew may have once been his subordinate – may even have respect for him – but the younger angel had already made it clear that he was the one in charge here.

"Are you nervous, Castiel?" Bartholomew asked finally, addressing the elephant in the room.

"Your followers want me dead. I'm not entirely certain you don't, too."

"If I wanted you dead, you'd be dead," Bartholomew pointed out.

"So, we're friends here?"

"Yes," Bartholomew agreed.

"And I'm free to go?"

"Of course," Barthlomew said, severely. "Though, I don't know why you would. What's out there for you, Castiel? What do you really expect to accomplish on your own? You'll never find Metatron that way."

Castiel looked at Bartholomew in surprise. "How'd you know about Metatron?"

"I figured that's why you were pursuing Rebecca, engaging with her follower," said Bartholomew. "We have different methods, Cas, but we want the same thing - to find Metatron and restore our kind to Heaven."

"Then why kill Rebecca and her followers?" Castiel asked. "They're no threat to you."

"Perhaps, but better to nip a fledgling faction in the bud than let it grow into a bigger threat down the road. A drop of blood to save a gallon."

"I don't agree," Castiel said. It was typical of Bartholomew. Castiel had always wondered why Bartholomew hadn't deflected to Raphael in the previous civil war. He suspected that Bartholomew might have done, had he not been so young and idealistic.

"I'm not asking you to," Bartholomew answered. "I will outrace Malachi in the hunt for Metatron, and I will certainly outrace you on your own. But if you can set aside your qualms about methods for one second, there's no reason the two of us can't take him down. Together."

They entered an office with a large map on the wall with dots on it, which Bartholomew explained represented sightings of Metatron on Earth. "That's the benefit of a massive ground operation," he said. "Eyes and ears everywhere. It's only a matter of time before we get an active location."

"Why wait?" Castiel asked. "With this kind of information, I'd lure him out."

"I knew you'd be an asset," Bartholomew said. "No one's as motivated as you to take him down. I've had my hands so full with the factions, it's distracted me from the real goal. But with you by my side - the new boss and the ultimate rebel working together - think of the message that would send to would-be dissidents. They'd finally understand that resistance is futile. Think of the bloodshed we could avert... What a united angelkind could accomplish in Heaven... Elsewhere."

A poster boy. That's what Bartholomew wanted… a poster boy for his "new world order." Now it made sense.

Suddenly, two angels came in, dragging Elijah between them. Barthlolomew knealt, putting an angel blade to Elijah's throat.

"Bart, what are you doing?" exclaimed Castiel.

"What needs to be done," Bartholomew said with a determined expression. "I'm gonna torture the rebel, find out what he knows, then kill him. And you're going to help."

 _The hell he was._

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

"Tell me where they are!" Bartholomew commanded a few minutes later. Elijah had been cut, and tortured, and Castiel was still waiting for an opportunity to save himself and Elijah, one which might never come.

"I told you," said Elijah with a grim determination. "They're dead. I'm the last."

"Can't you see he's telling the truth?" exclaimed Castiel finally. "He's done."

"Yes, I believe he is," said Bartholomew, holding the blade out to Castiel. "Now finish him off."

"Bartholomew, it doesn't need to be like this," said Castiel.

"Castiel, get your head out of the sand. Do you know why they brought you back from the battlefield? The truth?"

"Yes, I know the truth," said Castiel.

"Our leaders wanted those captives killed, and they knew you'd stand in the way of their order," said Bartholomew. "They said you didn't have it in you. That you couldn't do what needed to be done. But I know different. I know you've changed."

Castiel knew who he was. Perhaps he hadn't, once, but he did now. He had known since he had gotten his mind back in Purgatory, and Ember had only made his convictions stronger. "I'm not a murderer," he said determinedly.

"You weren't," said Bartholomew. "Not then. But since then, you've slaughtered thousands of angels. You killed Malachi's man for his grace."

Castiel had slaughtered thousands of angels, but as Bartholomew himself had pointed out, his own methods had been more brutal, even back then. And Malachi's lackey, Theo, had been a torture extraordinaire whose loyalty went to whichever side he thought could get him what he wanted, no matter the cost. "Who I was, what I did, that's not who I am," insisted Castiel.

He would not survive the guilt of another Anna, another Samandriel. " _We don't make war. We live humbly among these humans."_ Elijah's faction had had the first set of beliefs that Castiel supported since he'd learned that God was absent from Heaven.

"No? Then who are you?" Bartholomew asked him. "I want to work with you, Castiel, but I need proof. They need proof that they were wrong. That you can do what has to be done. _This_ has to be done."

Castiel thought of Ember. He would never see her again, and he had never even had a chance to say good-bye… But she wouldn't thank him for sinking any further into his guilt. "I was never free to leave. My only choice was to obey or be killed. Well, I choose," he said, and handed the angel blade back to Bartholomew, aimed at his own chest.

"I am truly sorry to hear that," Bartholomew said, but he turned and stabbed Elijah in the heart.

"No!" Castiel screamed.

"As your refusal makes perfectly clear, you always thought you were better than me," said Bartholomew, turning back toward Castiel. "Shall we put your superiority to the test once and for all?"

With a snide look, Bartholomew punched Castiel in the mouth, twice.

"No," Castiel said with determination. "Angels fighting angels has to stop somewhere. Might as well stop with me."

"Fine," Bartholomew said, picking up the angel blade, but Castiel was too quick for him, and grabbed his arm in defense. Two angels came to Bartholomew's aid, but he said, "Stand down! This is between me and the rebel."

Castiel was older, more powerful, and a better fighter. If he could not die for the right reasons, he had no intention of dying. Bartholomew had an angel blade to his throat a second later.

"To the victor," Bartholomew said gruffly. "Do it."

"No," Castiel said, letting him go. He only wanted to go home, back to Ember.

"What are you now? A penitent?" asked Bartholomew.

"I'm nothing," Castiel said, and dropped his angel blade on the floor to signify that it was done.

"You never did understand, Castiel. There can be no peace without bloodshed," Bartholomew said, and Castiel heard him draw another angel blade from his suit. Again, Castiel was too old, and too quick, and Bartholomew was dead a few seconds later.

 **February 27**

"You did the right thing, Cas," Ember said, cradling his head. They had then had sex for two hours on the living room sofa, during which she had reminded him why he had wanted so desperately to return. Now, he held her loosely, a blanket draped over both of them.

"I know," he said. He was silent for a moment. Then he asked, "Will you go with me on Saturday? I would like to visit Rebecca's grave. She was the leader of the Penitents. It isn't far from here."

"Of course, Cas," Ember answered.

 **March 1**

Two days later, Ember and Castiel were standing in front of Rebecca's grave. The human vessel was called Darlene Foster, and her grave was beautiful, with a picture and some flowers nearby.

"Sorry I created this chaos," Castiel said. "Sorry I couldn't do more to fix it." Ember squeezed Castiel's hand. "You may have lost the war, Rebecca, but you tried a new way. You have my respect for that."

Suddenly Castiel felt a hand on his shoulder, and he whirled around, throwing his arm in front of Ember. "I don't want to fight," he told the angel gruffly, "But if I have to, I will."

"I didn't come to fight," the angel told Castiel. It was Hadraniel, one of Bartholomew's guards. "Either of you," he said, nodding at Ember. "When I Fell, I thought I had no choice. But yesterday, you've showed me that there is a choice. And I choose you."

Castiel looked at Ember, who said nothing. "I'm sorry," Castiel said, shaking his head. "I'm no leader."

"Yes, you are," said Hadraniel. "If you'll have me, Castiel, I will follow you. And I am not the only one."

Castiel looked at Ember again, determination in his eyes. "I'm sorry," he said again, "And I wish you the best. But I am no leader."

 **March 4**

Castiel returned to Bartholomew's base of operations a few days later. He had no choice. Bartholomew had been correct – Castiel _did_ need the information he had amassed regarding Metatron's sightings and whereabouts.

He hadn't expected to meet the angel Caraheal at the door.

Caraheal was a capable angel, a Garrison Captain, though not a seraph.

"I will propose again what Hadranial requested," she said. "You should know that the few angels who disagreed with us on this have defected to Malachi, though there weren't many. Most of us felt that Bartholomew too quickly threw away the lives of other angels, but we came to him because he promised us vessels. We regret this now. We are eager to have a leader who puts a high price on the lives of angels. Bartholomew assured us, when he was alive, that the angels falling was the result of Metatron. You have shown yourself to be a worthy and passionate adversary to Malachi and to Metatron himself, and we would be honored if you would lead us."

"I am no leader," Castiel said again, and Caraheal looked down dejectedly.

"But I would be honored if you would allow me to assist your search for Metatron," he said.

 **March 26**

The more Castiel tried to explain to the other angels that he was not a leader, the more they attempted to make him one. It was just like before, after he had come home victorious from the Apocalypse, and he was attempting to teach them free will.

On March 26, Castiel's loose-knit team of angels celebrated upon hearing that Malachi had been killed. The rumor was that he had been killed by Gadreel, but Castiel had no way of knowing whether or not this was true.

Either way, Malachi's death had not come a moment too soon. The day previously, Malachi had managed to capture Hadraniel. To Castiel, it was the scariest thing about this war, because it meant that Ember was compromised. He had tried very hard to keep her out of angel business. He told her everything that was going on, of course, but even the angels close to him – Hannah, Dumah, Kelvin, and even Hadraniel – had no idea about their relationship.

Ember had stayed off of angel radar since the end of the Apocalypse, after all. Even the angels who knew of her saw her as the ex-girlfriend of the righteous man, the half-demon who had been declared harmless enough to remain alive. Hadraniel, however, had been one of the few angels to see them together since the Fall.

He never should have taken Ember to Rebecca's grave. He cursed himself for not even having had the sense to insist that she go invisible.

Still, Malachi was dead, and Hadraniel had survived. Castiel liked to think that every day the angels came closer to finding Metatron. With Malachi's death, however, more angels continued to approach Castiel and ask for guidance and leadership.

"I am not upset that he died," said Zuliel. "I was beginning to hear of your ideas, and they sound like a better way. I will follow you, if you'll have me."

"I'm no leader," Castiel said again.


	30. S9 Part 8, The Break-Up

**Author's Note: Another chapter full of quite a bit of newer material that is completely Cas-centric, very fill-in-the-blanks. SOME of the material in this chapter is paralleled in the sister story, Ember: Half-Demon, Half-Human, in the chapter "Metafiction."**

 **I do not own Supernatural. Thanks for your reviews! Have fun GISH-ing, anyone that is!**

 **April 14**

Castiel was searching for Metatron in Albania when he heard a strange ringing. The ringing _called_ to Castiel. It felt like Heaven, and Castiel was drawn to it, as though for his very breath. He followed it to a dank and dreary warehouse. There, an angelic symbol was drawn on the wall, surrounded by at least a dozen dead angels.

Castiel bowed his head. He recognized Hadraniel among the dead, as well as three others from his team. Anger boiled within him.

Suddenly, he saw Hannah. "What happened?" he asked her in alarm. She was close to dead herself, and Castiel hurried to assist in healing her. One of her eyes had been closed with a giant cut from an angel blade.

"I don't know," she said, her eyes wide and scared. "It, uh, it sounded familiar. It sounded like Heaven. It's so strange down here. I, uh, followed the tone and found so many of my brothers and sisters had, as well. It felt safe here, and then the doors slammed shut and a strange angel arrived. He said he worked for Metatron. He made us an offer... join Metatron, fight for him, and those that did would one day be allowed to return to Heaven.

"Return to Heaven?" Castiel said in disbelief.

"I didn't believe him, either. But he said he would take us home. Some angels joined him. But Hadraniel, and Zachiel, and Myel, and a few others…" She trailed off, gesturing sadly around her.

"I'm sorry for your loss. For all our loss," Castiel said, bowing his head. He reached out again to attempt to further heal her.

"Castiel, you _must_ step up as leader again," Hannah complained. "We're lost without a leader. We-…"

"I'm no leader," he said harshly.

"But you-…"

"I am no leader, Hannah," Castiel said again, closing the discussion. "But I will find Metatron, and I will make him pay. Now… who was this angel who attacked you?"

"He said his name was Gadreel," said Hannah.

Castiel's insides turned to ice.

Then, out of nowhere, his favorite brother, Gabriel, appeared.

 **April 15**

Castiel had a decent sense of irony. It did not escape his notice that he had spent weeks looking for Metatron, only to be captured by him and held prisoner.

It had started when Gabriel appeared. Castiel had been overjoyed to see his brother… but it had been a trick, an illusion created by Metatron to trick him.

Metatron was what Dean would have called "crazy". He had fashioned himself a hero and was attempting to rebuild Heaven in his image. "Every hero needs a good villian, Castiel," he had told him. He wanted Castiel to lead a group of angels against him.

"Do you know why I didn't kill you after I stole your grace? I like you. Truly. Among all God's little windup toys, you were the only one with any spunk. I left you human because I was hoping you would live happily ever after, but you screwed that up, too. I mean, you've got a great piece of ass like Ember at home, and you still go off to save the angels? How does that compute?"

"Watch your tone," Castiel said, attempting to break out of his bonds, but it was no use. Metatron knew about Ember! It must be because of Gadreel…

"And now... you leave me no choice," Metatron continued. I mean, if you want to get back on board, fine, but you're gonna have to follow my script."

Castiel wasn't entirely sure what this meant, but he was sure he didn't like the sound of it. "Well, based on your assessment, that doesn't sound like me."

"Lead the dumb, disenfranchised, rebellious angels against me, Castiel," Metatron said. "They will follow you. And they'll all die, but I'm gonna save a nice, warm seat up top for you. You will be saved."

No, Castiel definitely didn't like the sound of that. "No," he said firmly.

"Mm. You're gonna make me do the hard pitch, aren't you? How's that, um, stolen grace inside you working out?" Metatron asked.

"It's fine," Castiel said firmly. It wasn't. There was something wrong with it, something different, uncomfortable. But he hadn't told Ember, and he certainly wasn't going to tell Metatron.

"No. It's not," Metatron said. "It's burning out. It's gonna burn you out. But I will give you an endless supply of rechargeable batteries. Deal?"

Castiel didn't show his panic on his face. _Does that mean I'm dying?_

Fortunately, just then, a woman entered the room. "Sorry to interrupt your writing session, sir, but something's happened."

"What's wrong?" Metatron asked.

"It's Gadreel," the woman said.

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

Metatron returned a few minutes later. "Well, Castiel, you're in luck," he said, looking irritable. "I had other plans for you, but it seems I'm being forced to let you go without your agreement." He paused, then smiled. "No matter… barriers to the goal are what make stories interesting. What a great plot device!"

Metatron had clearly spent too much time isolated from the other angels… or perhaps he had always been crazy.

"No matter," Metatron said. "I'll cut right to the chase. I've been forced to make a trade: you, for Gadreel. Tomorrow I'll be making the trade-off, with those annoying Winchesters and your little girlfriend."

He cocked his head, seeming to think about something. "Tell me, have you and her ever _actually_ -…"

But Castiel's face betrayed him.

"You have!" Metatron said, grinning. "What was that like?"

"Fuck off," snapped Castiel.

Metatron shrugged. "Suit yourself," he said. "Just think on my offer. Every story needs a villian…"

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

Castiel suspected that the Winchesters would attempt to thwart the trade-off and double-cross Metatron. Whatever they attempted didn't work, however.

"You, and your little brother, and your half-demon pet, and your fine feathered friend, and all those secrets you've got locked away in your bunker can't stop me," Metatron said to Dean as Castiel departed with Dean, Sam, and Ember. "But I am gonna enjoy watching you try. It's gonna be a hell of a show."

Next, Metatron turned to Castiel. "I'll see you around, Castiel. Never forget, I gave you a chance." And Metatron and Gadreel both disappeared.

"Somebody want to tell me what the hell's going on here?" Dean asked irritably.

"Metatron is trying to play God," Ember said, taking Castiel's hand.

"Play God?" Sam asked. "Cas, he erased our angel warding. He friggin' blew out holy fire. He _is_ God. He's powering up with the angel tablet. How the hell are we supposed to stop this guy?"

"All right, so what if there is a stairway to Heaven?" Dean asked. "We find it and get a drop on the guy."

"You want to sneak onto the Death Star, take out the emperor?" Sam asked.

"Okay I... I'm not sure what a fictional battle station in space has to do with this, but if taking out the emperor means taking out Metatron, I'm on board," said Castiel. Metatron had schooled him on all of popular culture during their time together, which had been the one highlight of the kidnapping.

Ember, Dean, and Sam looked at each other.

"Cas," Ember said slowly.

"Wait, did you... did you just understand a Death Star reference?" Dean asked slowly.

"Yeah, I think so," Castiel said. "But I don't understand what that has to do with Heaven."

"It's halfway, I guess," said Sam.

"You sure you're all right?" Dean asked Castiel.

"Yes. Are you?" Castiel asked. There was something dark about Dean, something horrible… "There's something different about you."

Dean patted Castiel on the arm. "I'm fine." He could feel Dean's energy, however, and it was writhing with something new, something awful. _No, it couldn't be…_

Castiel grabbed Dean's arm and pushed up his sleeve. There on his arm was the Mark of Cain.

"Dean!" Ember said sharply. "Is that-…"

"What have you done?" Castiel asked Dean, alarmed. It was too many in a series of large blows over the past 24 hours – the fact that Castiel was dying, the fact that Metatron knew about Ember, and now the Mark of Cain on Dean's arm.

"It's a means to an end," Dean said. Castiel knew that Dean was attempting to face off with a very old demon, Abaddon.

"Damn it, Dean," said Castiel frustratedly.

"Look, you find Heaven, you drop a dime. Meantime, I got a knight to kill." And Dean stomped off back to the Impala.

Ember was left with Sam and Castiel now. "Be safe out there," Sam said awkwardly to the couple.

"You too," said Castiel, and Ember echoed his statement. "Hey Sam?" Sam looked up. "You keep an eye on him," Castiel finished.

 **April 24**

In one day, everything had shattered.

First of all, he was dying. He knew that now. Perhaps he had known it for awhile, but never really wanted to admit it. How long did he have? Two months? A year?

And then there was Dean, with the Mark of Cain. How could Dean have done it? Did he know what he had done to himself? Did he understand the consequence of accepting that Mark? That part, at least, he could be open with Ember about. "More of Dean's stupid decision-making," she had called it once he had explained the situation to her. "I'm glad I've moved on."

But Dean was Castiel's best friend, and Castiel had hurt him by going out with Ember – he understood that now. And Castiel knew, better than Dean himself, that Ember may be the only person who could truly get through to Dean now that he had taken on the Mark. Dean would need Ember, far more than Castiel would.

And finally, there was the angel war. Being a rogue angel, a "fallen angel", was one thing. Being the leader against Metatron was something different entirely. He would've been kidding himself if he hadn't admitted that this created a much greater risk for their continued relationship. And _this_ … Metatron would know everything about Ember, from Gadreel.

He had enjoyed being a human - at least, the parts where he was with Ember. Perhaps in a perfect world, he could have settled down with her. He'd known an angel who had done that once, Akobel. He had been a good man… until they had had a Nephilim, an angelic child. Castiel would never make that mistake, he thought.

But this was not a perfect world. He was Castiel, fallen angel, and despite his best efforts, he had once again been called upon to lead the angels. He knew what he had to do.

It took him a week to work up the courage, but ultimately he was simply procrastinating. Just thinking about separating from her hurt him to his very core. Thinking about her with Dean again made something deep inside him clench in a horrible way. Thinking about pushing her toward Dean made him want to throw up, which was an odd sensation for an angel.

He had caused enough damage, though. This, perhaps, was his pennance for the Fall.

Ember did not seem surprised at all, though her eyes filled with tears.

"I knew it," she said, unable to keep the accusatory tone out of her voice. "I knew it, as soon as you stole that grace."

"I'm sorry," Castiel said. "You know it's not because I want to. It's not because I don't - …."

"I know," Ember said tersely, cutting him off. "But that doesn't make it any better."

"And besides, Dean needs you," Castiel said.

Ember looked angry, suddenly. "What the hell has Dean got to do with this?"

"Ember, Dean took on the Mark of _Cain_. I've told you what that means. You're one of the two people he cares most about, I can see it when he's near you. He loves you, Ember. And _we need that_."

"Dean Winchester's love for me shouldn't determine my destiny _or_ my love life!" Ember snapped.

"It _shouldn't_ but it _does,"_ Castiel said calmly. "Do you not understand? We do _not_ want _Dean Winchester_ , of all people, going dark."

"I thought you said it was inevitable," Ember said.

"It _is,"_ Castiel said derisively. "But let's not speed it up."

Ember looked at him, her eyes blazing. "So what am I supposed to do? What, are you, like, _whoring_ me out to Dean Winchester?"

Castiel looked at her, suddenly angry. Tears were sliding down her face, and he couldn't ever remember being this miserable. " _I'm_ leaving for _your_ safety," he spat at her. "I didn't want this, you know that. I've made mistakes, and I have to make them right."

"You _promised_ ," Ember said. "You promised, remember? You said you would pray to the angels, and if you survived, we could settle down." Her eyes were full of accusations, and she spat them at him.

"Yes, but now I can do some _real_ good," he said. "I can put this back together, I can make it _right_. You wouldn't love me if I didn't try to fix my mistakes, we both know that."

She gave him an angry look, but didn't respond for a second – he was right, and she knew it. Finally, however, she said, "Fine. Say you win this war, you and your followers. Say you put it right, and Heaven opens again. Then what?"

She was leaving the door open for him, he understood that. It was a tempting offer, and one he desperately wanted – a life with Ember, for however long Ember was alive. Before he knew that he was dying, he had even thought about waiting until she was old, then removing his grace himself to die with her, like they did in so many of the movies Metatron had shown him.

He was dying, though. And, as much as he hated it, she would be better with Dean. Dean might not be better for her, but the world would be better for it. She could help Dean fight the darkness that Castiel knew was growing inside of him. Ember would be good at that – taking in a wounded puppy off the street and giving it love and faith. Hadn't that been what she had done for Castiel? Plus, Castiel knew that Dean and Ember still loved each other – he had seen it in both of their minds.

He never should have been with Ember. It was eight months of pure bliss in an otherwise bleak existence, but it never should've happened. And so he said, "Then, my place is in Heaven." She turned away, tears streaming down her face.

"Call me if you need me," he told her. "I will always come if you need me."

And then he was gone.

If angels could cry, he would have wept.

 **April 25**

"I have decided to lead the charge against Metatron… if you'll have me," Castiel told the other angels.

One by one, they began to smile and nod. A few put their hands up into a cheer, and a few others bowed.

He hated this.

He wondered what Ember was doing right now.

 **May 2**

Being a leader was different this time than it had ever been before.

The first time, when he was Garrison Captain, he was full of righteousness, sure he was working for God and Heaven. He had known nothing, then – not really.

The second time, he had been full of guilt – guilt because of the angels that were dying, guilt for the subordinates he was betraying by working with Crowley, and guilt for deceiving the Winchesters.

This time, he was almost numb. It was methodical. It wasn't that he wasn't highly invested – he was. He wanted, desperately, to win the fight against Metatron and find a way back into Heaven for angel-kind – not to mention the thousands of souls stuck in the veil. This time, at least, he was doing it for the right reasons. The angels had put their faith in him to rectify what he had done wrong, and for that he was grateful.

Still, he thought about Ember often. He had been happy – guilty, but happy. It had been… it had been _wonderful._

He dared not get near her again, for fear that he would go back on his decision. He felt obsessed, even moreso now than when he was with her. When he wasn't thinking about strategy, and battles, and angels, he thought about her – her smell, the feel of being inside of her, the way she laughed.

She called him occasionally, even prayed to him a few times to meet, but he ignored her. He responded to texts occasionally, but if she called he forced himself to let it go to voicemail. If she needed something, he referred the matter to Sam or Dean. He knew better than to get near her now – one smell, or the sound of her voice, and he would be lost.

On May 2nd, her prayer was somewhat different. _"Castiel! There are angels outside my house!"_

He had been just about to call the Winchesters when she called him. Concerned for her, he picked up the phone. It was the first time he'd heard her voice since they'd broken up, and he felt a painful twinge near his stomach.

"Castiel!" Ember said hurriedly over the phone. "There are two angels standing at my doorway."

"What do they want?" he asked, forcing himself to sound brusque and business-like despite his rising panic.

"They won't say," she said. "They just asked me to come out."

"What do they look like?"

"One's black with black leather pants and a leopard-print top. The other is male, white, wearing a suit, and thin,"

"I don't know the man," Castiel said, determinedly keeping his voice clipped. "But the woman is Lethandriel. She's one of Metatron's, when last we checked. Take the kids and head down to the basement."

"Will you come? Or at least send someone?"

"The closest are Dean and Sam," he said. This was true, thankfully – he was far away from Kansas, in Missouri, at the moment. Otherwise he might've been tempted to come himself. "We don't have news of any other angels in the area, so you should be okay until they get there. I'll call them."

And he hung up _,_ burying his head in his hands. Worry for the half-demon girl clouded his mind, and he thought of the way it had felt when she had hugged him.

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

Ember called back later, and Castiel couldn't resist answering the phone once again.

"It's done," Dean said, and Castiel let out an audible breath of relief. Still, he couldn't help the stab of jealousy upon realizing that Sam, Dean, and Ember were all three at Ember's house together without him.

"They're dead?" Castiel asked.

"Yes," said Dean. "It wasn't as hard as we'd thought it might be."

Castiel sighed. "Metatron might send others. We knew it was a risk. We discussed this, after we found out Gadreel was working with Metatron. It seems they want to use you against me. It's not safe anymore. You'll need to move out. I'm sorry."

She would be angry with him, he thought. Even he was angry with the way he was forcing himself to sound, as though he simply didn't care… as though it was like it used to be, before he was human, before he'd realized that he loved her. As though it was just business, and he was still Castiel, Garrison Captain.

"Cas, it's not that simple," Ember said, and Castiel's breath hitched at how upset she sounded. "The kids are still in school. Even if we moved somewhere else, I can't pull them out of school. They're out in a _month_ , and it-…"

"I can send guards," Castiel said abruptly. "But not all the time. We're scraping for soldiers as it is. You'll still have to go to the bunker on the weekends." He was proud of himself for his strategy, to be honest. He hadn't been lying – he _couldn't_ justify sending guards all the time. The way angels thought, he could barely justify sending guards at all. They would be more likely to support the assigned guard duty if he reminded them that she was in Heaven's high favor and that she had helped save the world. They wouldn't understand the real reason… that he loved her.

But there was more. Pushing her into the bunker on weekends would put her closer to Dean, who would need all the help he could get resisting the Mark of Cain. If there was anyone who could help him resist the demonic force growing inside him, it was Ember.

Even if the thought made Castiel want to eat his own angel blade.

"We'll be happy to have them," said Sam's voice.

"I can stand guard whenever you can't spare any angels," Dean said, and Castiel suppressed the urge to smash his cell phone.

"That would certainly make things easier," he said, keeping his voice even. "It'd still be safest for you to move into the bunker in June, Ember."

"I hope the war will be over by then," Ember snapped tersely. "But if it's not, I _suppose_ I have no _choice."_

This time Ember hung up.

Castiel sank into a chair. He was getting a headache – at least, that's what he thought it was. He had never had one before, as an angel.

He didn't have time to stew, however. Caraheal came rushing into the office at that point, with Zuliel and Hannah on her heals. "Commander, are you alright? The lights were flickering, and we realized the source was coming from this office…"

Castiel forced himself to gain control of his anger. "I apologize," he said. "Sometimes it makes me angry to think of those who have fallen."

"That is understandable," said Zuliel, smiling. "Perhaps when the war is over, I shall use my free will to create a memorial for them, like the humans do. But for now, I will honor their memory by fighting for you, Commander."

Castiel sighed.


	31. S9 Part 9, King of the Damned Stairway

**Author's Note: So I think this is basically my favorite thing that I've ever written with maybe a few exceptions. Let me know in reviews! I don't own Supernatural.**

 **May 28**

 **ONE MONTH LATER**

Castiel hadn't talked with Sam or Ember in almost a month, and he had barely talked with Dean. One of his guards had been killed while protecting Ember, and Castiel had sent another in his place. He was getting increasing pressure to assign these angel guards to other duties, however, and so Dean spent quite a bit of time at Ember's home.

Human literature, and the movies Metatron had shown him, seemed to imply that break-ups got better with time, but perhaps this didn't apply to angels. In fact, Castiel felt worse with each passing day that he didn't hear from Ember, that she didn't pray to him, and that he continued to ignore her.

The war was going well, however – much better than the previous one. His side seemed to be winning all of the minor skirmishes against Metatron's side (including the one in front of Ember's house), and they were closing in on Metatron himself, and on a possible location of a secret entrance into Heaven.

Finally, near the end of May, Benjamin captured an angel who had bragged about being Metatron's subordinate in a bar. Castiel called Dean and Sam for help.

"We have a prisoner," Castiel explained when they arrived. "It's an angel from Metatron's inner circle. I need to know what they're planning, but so far, he's revealed nothing."

"So, you're done with the rough stuff, and you want us to be your goons?" asked Dean.

"Well, you've had success at these situations before," Castiel answered, carefully avoiding mentioning Hell. "If you don't want to do it, I understand."

"Who says I don't want to do it?" asked Dean.

Sam shot Dean a surprised look, and Castiel did not miss the gesture. Clearly the Mark of Cain was affecting Dean faster than Castiel had hoped.

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

Once again, the Winchesters came through for Castiel. The angel Benjamin had captured, Ezra, explained that there was a shortcut to Heaven, operated by Metatron. Unfortunately, it was portable, and controlled entirely by Metatron.

Shortly after they had gleaned the information they needed, however, Ezra was killed by someone on the inside. Castiel had suspected for sometime that there was a mole… he would simply have to keep things closer to the vest from now on.

 **June 18**

 **THREE WEEKS LATER**

Things had been going very well indeed. Castiel's followers vastly outnumbered Metatron's, and they were planning an offensive strike as soon as they could resolve the details. Metatron didn't have a chance, even powering up with the angel tablet.

Castiel still thought about Ember constantly, and it still hurt him to the core, and he was still miserable… but at least he was winning the war.

On June 18, however, things took a turn for the worse. First, one of Castiel's Captains, Josiah, mysteriously disappeared. Shortly after, disaster struck at an ice cream parlor called Colonel Scoop's.

Dean and Sam were there when Castiel saw the surveillance video. A tall angel in a white coat ripped the coat open to reveal a sigil carved into his chest. Then he rammed an angel blade through his heart as he yelled, "I do this for Castiel!"

Then everything exploded.

It had been strategic, on Metatron's part. Employing a suicide bomber claiming to be from the opposite side was a strategy that Castiel never would have considered, due to the cost of innocent lives. It was meant to shake his soldiers' faith in him.

Things needed to be handled delicately. Dean pointed out that he would be best suited to question angels close to the suicide bomber, Oren. He was right, Castiel thought; he himself was a Commander, and he could barely get his own soldiers to treat him with anything but respectful fear and deference, much less someone secretly working for Metatron. Dean had a reputation as the righteous man and as a friend of Castiel's, but he was also human, and so would be seen as less intimidating. Plus, he had more experience with interrogation and questioning.

Meanwhile, Sam and Castiel headed to Colorado to follow Josiah's trail.

 **June 19**

Sam and Castiel tracked the missing angel to a warehouse in Pray, Montana. He could feel it! He could feel the portal to Heaven, from the warehouse! "I can hear it. It's calling to me, Sam. If we control this door, we can take the fight to Metatron. We may not even need to fight at all."

But he had been deceived. Instead, the room was full of atrocious party decorations. The decor was made complete by a note that read, "Welcome to your own personal Heaven, Castiel. Good luck finding the real one."

Worst of all, against the wall sat Josiah, burned in holy oil which had fallen down from the ceiling when the door had first been opened. Josiah had been the mole, as Castiel had suspected, and Metatron did not like loose ends.

Disappointed and upset, Castiel rushed back to Missouri with Sam. When Castiel had last spoken to Dean on the phone, the hunter had discovered that a reaper called Tessa, and at least one other reaper called Constantine, were planning suicide bombs like the one Oren had completed. Dean had subdued Tessa, and was supposed to be working with the other angels to find Constantine, and to find out for certain who they were working for and what their goal was.

Castiel hoped that Dean and the other angels would give him good news when he and Sam returned to Missouri. Apparently not, however; he received bad news as soon as he walked through the door.

"Castiel, thank God you're back!" said Benjamin. "The Winchester ape stabbed Tessa with the First Blade."

 _WHAT._

"Castiel, please proceed to the Room for Captives," Hannah said. "Dean Winchester killed Tessa, but we have managed to subdue him."

Sure enough, Dean was handcuffed to a chair in the warded room in which captives were held. There was duct tape over his mouth, and his nose was bleeding. "He put up a fight," Hannah said in explanation.

"Get out," Castiel commanded, and she did.

Dean reported that Tessa had impaled herself on the First Blade, but the result was still the same. To Castiel's soldiers, it appeared that his human friend had killed an angel.

Sam seemed to understand Castiel's predicament. He began a loud and angry argument about it with Dean when Hannah interrupted them again. "Commander, I'm sorry, but you have a call... From Metatron."

Metatron was waiting on video conference in the large War Room. "What do you want, Metatron?" Sam asked wearily.

"Just to tell ass-tiel, there, that I'm still alive. His bomber failed."

" _My_ bomber?" asked Castiel,

"The crazy guy. Big knife. Kablooey. I'm fine, thanks for asking, but Gadreel is wounded, and Tyrus - R.I.P. His followers are not your biggest fans, by the way. They've all come over to my team."

 _Constantine._ Apparently the other suicide bomber Dean had warned him about had hit his mark while Dean had been messing around with the First Blade. "I didn't send anyone to kill you."

"Oh, stop lying, Castiel," Metatron said.

"Who are you to lecture me on lying?" Castiel said gruffly. "Your deception led to the Fall."

"I did what I had to do," Metatron responded, leaning forward into the camera. "I have always done what I have to do, for God and for the angels. What I did was neither good nor bad. It was necessary - a small hardship to make us all stronger, to make us a family again."

"Yeah, except for the angels you had Gadreel kill," Sam pointed out.

"Okay, yes," Metatron said, rolling his eyes. "Maybe I got a little carried away at first, but those days are over. A near-death experience makes you re-evaluate. So, one time only, I'm offering amnesty. Every angel, no matter what their sin, may join me and return to Heaven. I will be their God, and they can be my heavenly host."

So _that_ was the end game. Castiel had thought as much.

"Why would we follow you?" Hannah asked.

"Well, look around," Metatron said, chuckling. "You've seen Earth. You've had a taste of free will. I've got to ask you - do you like it? I mean, the way you've flocked off to follow Castiel tells me you need to follow someone. It's in your DNA. But Cas - he's not what you think he is. He sends angels out to die. Have you told them about your stolen grace, Castiel? How it's fading away, and when it burns out, so will you?"

 _No._ The angels around him began to murmer, and Castiel guiltily looked at the floor. "And how about your half-demon abomination girlfriend?" asked Metatron.

There was more murmering, but Castiel felt his stomach drop through the floor. _Ember._

But now was not the time to think about her. Castiel knew it was over. He had been so careful… but he was sunk. Metatron had concocted this plan perfectly.

"So...No, then," Metatron said, speaking to Castiel's army. "I'm not the best, but I'm the best you've got. You want to stay with Castiel, fine, but he's playing you, because at the end of the day, the only thing he cares about is himself and the Hardy boys there, and the abomination. You've got a choice to make. Make the right one."

Then Metatron ended the signal.

"He's lying," Castiel said, turning to his soldiers. One by one they had turned to face him, all with accusatory glares.

"About the grace?" asked Hannah. "And your girlfriend, the half-demon?"

"It's complicated," was all he would say.

"So he wasn't lying."

"He was about everything else," Castiel said desperately. He had been caught off guard, and was losing the thread of the conversation. "He...you believe me, don't you?"

"I want to believe you, but I...we need proof," Hannah answered.

"Name it."

Hannah pointed to Dean. "Punish him."

"What?" said Dean in surprise.

"He murdered Tessa," Hannah explained. "He broke our rules."

"Y'all can all go to Hell," Dean said. He turned to leave.

"Dean," Castiel said in warning, and Castiel's guards moved to restrain his friend.

"Hey, wait a sec," said Sam, but the angels restrained him as well.

"You gave us order, Castiel, and we gave you our trust," said Hannah. "Don't lose it over one man." Then she handed the angel blade to Castiel. "This is justice."

Castiel took the blade and considered his options. Should he kill Dean? Now that he had the Mark of Cain, it might be for the best… although he honestly wasn't sure what happened when someone with the Mark died. That could backfire…

On the other hand, killing Dean could mean the end of his competition for Ember, the end of the final test to win the War against Metatron… and the end of his best friend.

"No. I can't," Castiel whispered, defeated.

There was a beat of silence.

"Goodbye, Castiel," said Hannah.

One by one they left him there, alone with his thoughts and his grief.

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

There was nothing. Ember hated him, and had stopped calling and praying. Metatron had won the war. Castiel would never return to Heaven – not that it would be a place he wanted to return to anyway, now that Metatron was in charge.

Death was coming. He could feel it now, now that he no longer had a goal. He hadn't realized how tired he felt until he had stopped moving.

The Winchesters offered to let Castiel stay in the bunker, but at the moment it was more important for Ember to be there. Instead, he retreated to one of his safe houses, and thought of Ember and all that he had lost.

He would rally, of course. He wouldn't give up the fight against Metatron, not until the day he finally passed on. Dean and Sam would help him… they owed him that much. For now, though, he wanted only to close his eyes.

 **June 20**

Castiel awakened in a cold sweat. Someone was praying to him. _Ember._ His heart leapt.

" _Castiel, I know you can hear me. I know what's happened. Sam and Dean told me you're dying. Meet me tomorrow at my house, 6:00 PM."_

Castiel cursed in Enochian.

 **June 21**

All day Castiel had argued with himself about whether or not he wanted to see Ember again. He _wanted_ to see her, of course he did… but perhaps it would do more harm than good.

In the end, however, he owed her an explanation. And, perhaps, he wanted to see her one last time before he died.

It was raining heavily when he arrived. He could still see the Enochian warding on her old house, so he couldn't come inside. Rain smattered on his umbrella, and he shivered. "Ember!" he shouted.

"Castiel?" she said, emerging outside. A giant ache of longing flowered in him upon seeing her. He felt his vessel respond, and he willed it away… but he couldn't will away the feelings she evoked simply with her nearness. He felt himself grinning, just to be in her presence again.

"You didn't tell me you were dying," she accused.

Castiel panicked. What had he expected? That she would say "I understand why you broke up with me and won't speak to me?" That she would make everything feel better, like she had so many times in the past?

"What did it matter?" he asked her sharply.

"What did it _matter?"_ she asked, heatedly. "I was in _love_ with you! I-…"

"We _shouldn't_ have been," he said calmly. The rain was pouring now, and he moved closer to the front of the house, because they could barely hear each other. "I never should've-... we were lucky you're still alive." He had put her in so much danger…

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, Metatron, blah, blah, blah," Ember said. "But ending this, ending us, permanently? Metatron is one thing, but you wouldn't even let me wait for you. You shut down all hope, and you _passed me off to Dean!_ _Tell_ me it's not because you found out you were _dying_ , Castiel. Because it's the only thing that makes sense. _"_

"Exactly!" Castiel said, willing her to understand. "I'm dying! And just because you know about it now, nothing has changed! I'm still talking to a lot of different-…"

" _Why didn't you tell me?"_ she screamed him. He was on the porch, now, his umbrella hanging to the side. There was barely enough room on the small porch for both of them.

Castiel didn't think. He was angry, and upset, and betrayed, and guilty, and in love. _"Because you would never have left!"_ he screamed.

There was quiet for a moment. Castiel attempted to collect himself. He was here because he owed her an explanation… yes, that was why he was here. It wasn't because he thought of her constantly, because his vessel ached for her, or because it was simply too hard to stay away. "You would have insisted on staying by my side, in secret, or… something. _Despite_ Metatron. _Despite_ the fact that this war will probably kill me, and if it doesn't, the stolen grace _will._ And _look_ what I've done. You've had to leave your _house_ , your kids are living in a bunker with Dean, _despite_ the First Blade. You're back moving around _again_ , and we both know how much you hated that with the Leviathans. An angel _died_ protecting you, and that's even _with_ the decision I made! _And_ you couldn't even get into Heaven, because it's _still closed_!" Castiel realized that even though he had started off calmly, he was desperate by the time his speech had finished.

"Do you know what the last month has been like for me?" Ember screamed back at him. "I'm worried about you all the damn time, I'm worried about my _kids_ , and Dean is trying to worm his way back into my life! And the one person I _really_ want to talk to has shut himself off from me completely, and is passing messages through my _ex-boyfriend!"_

"You think I _wanted_ to do that?!" he said, jealousy getting the better of him. Something inside him snapped, and he could no longer deceive her. "I _loved_ you! I _still_ love you! I'll _always_ love you! I just can't _be_ around you, because your damn _voice_ , and you smell so _good_ , and I can't _stand_ not being with you, but we _can't!"_

He had never meant it to get this far. He had just wanted to see her again before he died, to explain why he had broken up with her… But she was looking at him as though she wanted to cry and scream at the same time, and all he wanted to do was touch her.

At the same time, they launched themselves at each other. The umbrella fell out of Castiel's hands, and Ember clung to the front of his trenchcoat, ripping it off of him. Their mouths attacked one another, and it felt to Castiel as though he could finally breathe again. A second later, Castiel had hoisted her upward and pressed her against the wall in front of her house.

She smelled of oranges, and demon, and that ethereal smell that drove him crazy. They were both wet, but somehow it made the friction on their clothes that much better. She clutched Castiel's back, and he ground upward into her, a guttural groan escaping his mouth.

He splayed his hands out across her hip, shifting her only slightly while still grinding into her. She was _his,_ not Dean's, in that moment, and he wanted to remind her… A few sudden orgasms for her were worth the draining of his grace. She arched at the touch of his powers, then went lax in his arms. He continued to grind into her just slightly as she came down from the high.

"Damn you and your stupid angel powers," she said, and it was the happiest he'd been in months.

"Stay _right_ there, _do not leave,"_ she said, extricating herself from him suddenly, and he felt cold. He set her gently on the ground, looking away. He should leave, he should really go…

Just as he had made up his mind to leave, Ember pulled him inside and used her powers to shut the door behind him. "Ember, I…"

"Cas, _shut up,"_ Ember said, kissing him again. He responded eagerly in spite of himself, his hands winding themselves up her back. They kissed deeply for a second, standing in the middle of the forlorn-looking living room.

He was lost. He slid off her top and bra, and she peeled off his layers of wet clothes. They sighed happily at the skin-to-skin contact, and Castiel wasted no time backing her up onto the room's single couch and pulling off both pants and panties in the process.

She reached upward to attempt to pull off his pants, but he danced away. "It's been too long," he said gruffly, burying his face between her thighs.

She gasped at the onslaught of his tongue, and all too soon arched her back for yet another orgasm. He could wait no longer. "Ember… _now."_ He plunged inside her, filling her to the hilt, and she clung to him as they moved together. He had missed this _so much…_

It was all too much, and yet not enough, and too soon it was over, and both of them laid piled on the sofa, out of breath. Castiel regained his breath before Ember did, and he pulled her close to him, kissing her lightly on the forehead. "I never stopped loving you," he said. "I never stopped. I never will. You know that, don't you?"

"Yes, Castiel," she whispered.

"But… it doesn't change anything. You must understand that."

She looked up at him, her eyes wide, and bit her lip, holding back tears. He could spend the last few months of his life with her… she wanted _him_ , not Dean…

"Cas, just... promise me you'll still be here when I wake up?"

"Of course," he answered.


	32. S9 Part 10, Victory, Love, Peace, Death

**Author's Note: Despite the fact that this chapter is labeled as being the end of Season 9, it also covers the beginning of Season 10. I just didn't want it to be super short, and there was a natural breaking point later on. Also, if you're curious about the demon blood bond, check out the original story, Ember: Half Demon, Half Human. I don't own Supernatural.**

 **June 22**

Castiel knew he shouldn't be here. Here was the last place he should be – at the house that had been _made_ weeks ago by Metatron's camp, with a girl he didn't deserve. And yet, he couldn't leave. _Just a few more hours_ , he kept telling himself. A few more hours of watching the way that her hair fell across his arm, and how peaceful she looked as she slept…

He wondered, truly, if he would ever be able to force himself to leave this bare-looking living room with the one large couch. If Ember didn't want to leave, perhaps he would stay here for eternity. He had a promise to keep, he thought, to stay until she awoke in the morning, but then he had to leave. He could still fight against Metatron. Angel by angel, he could still convince them there was a better way. He _had_ to.

He just had to work up the inner strength. Truthfully, it had been heartbreaking to leave Ember the first time, and Castiel had no idea how to attempt a second round.

Suddenly, Ember's phone rang, and she shot upright. She answered it sleepily, but as the caller spoke her eyes got wider. "What do you mean?" She gasped. "Oh my God, Gadreel? The _dungeon?!_ I'm on my way."

What's going on?" Castiel asked when Ember hung up the phone.

"When Sam and Dean got back to the bunker, Gadreel showed up, saying he was looking for you. He couldn't get into the bunker because of the warding we put there for the kids, but it didn't matter. Dean attacked him with the First Blade, and -…"

" _What_?" said Castiel sharply.

"Yeah, and Sam had to hold him back, and Krissy saw what was going on, and came out and helped!"

"Oh _no,"_ said Castiel. "The bunker was supposed to be _safe_ for them!"

"Exactly!" Ember said. "So they locked Dean in the dungeon, Krissy says. And Sam went to go look for Gadreel, because Gadreel ran off after Dean knifed him."

"I had asked Gadreel if he wanted to switch sides," Castiel said. It had been a gamble, but he hadn't known if anything would come of it. "He killed for Metatron, but overall I think he feels misunderstood."

Ember wrinkled her nose. "I don't care how he feels, he needs to stay the hell away from my children."

"We need to get back there now," said Castiel.

And so, the two set off for Lebanon, Kansas, both of them in Castiel's car.

Ember and Castiel arrived approximately the same time as Sam showed up with Gadreel. Gadreel was hurt badly, visibly bleeding from the chest. Castiel moved immediately to heal him.

"Don't!" Gadreel said. "Your grace!"

But Castiel ignored him and, with an apologetic look toward Ember, healed him anyway.

"Thank you," the other angel said.

"We should talk somewhere safer," Castiel answered. "Can you erase the angel warding? Just in the front room."

Upon coming inside, however, all four of them smelled sulfur immediately. "I tried to stop them!" Krissy said, appearing suddenly in the main room of the bunker. "But neither of them listened."

Over the next few minutes, the group of angels, men, and teenagers was able to put together that Dean had summoned Crowley to help him break out of the dungeon and go after Metatron.

"He and Crowley have been bromancing over the Blade ever since Dean got the Mark," said Sam.

"Great." Ember rolled her eyes. "Let's add that to the list of things he _didn't tell me."_

The group ignored her. "The Mark?" Gadreel asked.

"The Mark of Cain," Castiel clarified.

"So that's what Dean cut me with - the First Blade. In a way, that could be useful," said Gadreel.

"Slow down," said Krissy. "What's the Mark of Cain?"

"I'll explain everything to you guys, just give me a few minutes," Ember told them. "Go to your rooms for now."

"I'll explain everything to you, Kris, just give me a few minutes," Ember told them. "Go to your room for now, and in a few minutes I _promise_ I'll come get you."

"But-…" Krissy started, but Ember gave her a look, and she begrudgingly headed for her room.

"Metatron is more powerful than ever, but if Dean has the First Blade and the mark, that might give us our best chance," Gadreel was saying.

"You're joking, right?" Sam asked angrily. "An hour ago, we were ready to throw Dean into a padded cell, and now you say he's our best chance?"

"Hear him out, Sam," Castiel said, and Ember shot him an annoyed look.

Sam seemed to feel similarly to Ember. "Oh, right. Excuse me. Sorry, guys. Uh, sorry I'm a little less than eager to hear that our best chance is arming the warhead and hoping it hits the mark. This is not a bomb we're talking about. This is my brother."

"And your brother would not be in this alone," Gadreel countered. "We can help."

"How?" asked Sam and Ember.

"I believe Metatron has found a way to tap into the Angel tablet, harnessing its power to give him powers equivalent to -…"

"God, right?" Sam filled in. "I mean, that's what this is all about, isn't it? Metatron wants to be God."

Gadreel nodded.

"Great, well, that basically makes him unstoppable," said Sam.

"Not if we can break the connection between Metatron and the tablet," said Gadreel. "That would make him just an ordinary angel."

"Where's the tablet?" asked Castiel.

"Metatron's office," said Gadreel.

"In Heaven?" asked Ember.

"I can get us to the door," Gadreel answered.

"And then what?" asked Ember. "Does anybody else think that this plan is most likely _not_ going to work?"

"Why would they let you in?" asked Sam. "If Metatron's number two shows up with Heaven's most wanted…" he shook his head hopelessly.

"Sam, we have to try," answered Castiel.

 **June 23**

Castiel and Gadreel's plan to infiltrate Heaven worked about as well as could be expected, meaning that it failed dismally.

"Did you really think your little ruse would work?" accused the angel Ingrid as Heaven's jail appeared around Gadreel and Castiel.

Castiel tried to remain calm, but Gadreel sounded terrified. "Please. Please!" Gadreel had been here before, Castiel remembered, for thousands of years…

"Welcome to heaven's jail, Castiel," snapped Ingrid, with Hannah trailing behind her. "I believe Gadreel can give you the tour."

Hannah came to visit shortly after, and they explained their story to her.

"Okay, so you're telling me that Metatron set you up, arranged those suicide bombers to make himself look like the victim," Hannah clarified.

"Gadreel was his second in command," Castiel pointed out. "For what other reason than the truth would he turn against Metatron?"

"So now I'm expected to trust the word of an angel who's only ever thought of himself since the Garden, and you?" Hannah scoffed. "You told us not a single angel more would die in this fight."

"What do you think I have been trying to do?" Castiel protested, looking intimidatingly at Hannah through the bars.

"Trying? By killing Metatron?" Hannah challenged.

"He is the reason for all of our suffering," Castiel said.

"Nothing you say matters."

"Would you rather I not try at all?"

"Not if you can't prove it," Hannah said resolutely.

"So give us a chance," pleaded Castiel. "Let us out, Hannah. Please."

But it was all for naught. After she left, Gadreel sighed frustratedly. "I sat in this hole for thousands of years, thinking of nothing but redemption, of reclaiming my good name. I thought of nobody, no cause, other than my own."

"You've been redeemed, my friend," said Castiel. He could ask nothing else of Gadreel… he had asked too much already. Whatever he came up with from here (and he would come up with something), he would do without risking Gadreel's life.

"The only thing that matters in the end is the mission - protecting those who would not and cannot protect themselves -the humans," continued Gadreel. "None of us is bigger than that. And we will not let our fears, our self-absorption, prevent us from seeing it through. Not anymore."

"No. Of course not," Castiel agreed.

"Move to the other side of your cell, Castiel, and keep your head down,"commanded Gadreel.

"What are you doing?" Castiel said fearfully, but he followed Gadreel's instructions. He saw Hannah rush in and shoot a horrified look at Gadreel, then fumble and drop the key to Gadreel's door.

"When they say my name, perhaps I won't just be the one who let the serpent in," said Gadreel.

He was going to sacrifice himself to give Castiel a chance. "Gadreel," Castiel said in warning, but he already knew it was too late. And Hannah wasn't going to get the door unlocked in time…

"Perhaps I will be known as one of the many who gave Heaven a second chance," said Gadreel. "Run, sister."

Hannah threw herself away from the cell, and there was a bright white light.

When the dust cleared, there was a giant hole in the side of Heaven's jail, and Castiel slowly climbed out of it.

"Do you believe him now?" Castiel asked, staring down angrily at Hannah.

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

With Hannah's help, it was easy. She would be a good leader of Heaven, Castiel thought. They found the tablet in Metatron's office, and smashed it. Metatron appeared then, as they had expected he would.

"Well played, Castiel," he said. "Obviously, you and Gadreel managed to turn a few dead enders against me."

"Gadreel is dead," Castiel said.

"Ah," Metatron agreed. "So Gadreel bites the dust. And the Angel tablet - arguably the most powerful instrument in the history of the universe - is in pieces, and for what again? Oh, that's right - to save Dean Winchester. That was your goal, right? I mean, you draped yourself in the flag of Heaven, but ultimately, it was all about saving one human, right? Well, guess what. He's dead, too."

 _NO!_

"And you're sitting in my chair," Metatron added, taking advantage of Castiel's distraction to handcuff him to the chair. Metatron was still much stronger than Castiel even without the angel tablet, now that Metatron had been powering up and Castiel's grace was dwindling.

"You will never get away with this," Castiel said determinedly.

"Get away with what?" Metatron asked, laughing. "You told a silly story to a group of less-than-believers. I'll clean up your mess in an hour."

"You give our brothers and sisters far too little credit," said Castiel. "They will soon learn that you have been playing them."

"And then?" Metatron asked, smiling. "They will do nothing because they are frightened little sheep following my crook wherever it leads. And where I'm taking them, back to our rightful place atop this mountain of human shame and excrement - when that happens, trust me, they're not gonna care how they got there."

He cocked his head, considering. "You know why you could never quite pull it together, Castiel? While you're sitting here with your grace slowly burning away and your reputation long extinguished? No curiosity. You didn't read enough. You never learned how to tell a good story."

"But you did," Castiel said triumphantly.

It was over, then. Castiel had expected this. He had known Metatron had some sort of device in his office that he was using to broadcast across angel radio, longer and louder than he could by himself. It hadn't taken long to find it and turn it on. The other angels had heard _everything…_

Sure enough, the doors to Metatron's office flew open, and several angels walked in and took Metatron by the arms. Castiel raised an angel blade to kill him… but perhaps Hannah had been right. Perhaps there _had_ been enough death… He had lost Ember (at least in every way that mattered) and now, if Metatron was telling the truth, he had lost Dean.

There had been enough death.

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

It was finally over. Castiel had completed his pennance. He had found a way into Heaven. He had opened up the veil for the lost souls. Things could function normally again… or as normally as they ever had, he supposed.

"You're doing the right thing - letting him live," said Hannah as they locked up Metatron in Heaven's prison. It was once more the intimidating stone walls it had been before Gadreels' death, restored to its former glory by Castiel's own angel grace.

"It's what a leader would do," Hannah added, and Castiel felt a swoop of peace settle over him. _At last._

But there was so much more. Metatron had said Dean was dead, but Castiel didn't want to believe it. It was a ploy, surely. And Ember, and Sam? What had become of them? "I'm no leader, Hannah," he said. "I never was. I just want to be an angel."

"And your grace?" asked his second in command. "What will you do about that? You will die if you don't replenish it."

Castiel didn't know, but he wouldn't steal another angel's grace.

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

What Castiel came back to at the bunker was worse than anything he could have imagined.

"What do you mean 'they're both gone?' he asked Sam and the children with alarm. "Metatron said Dean _died_!"

"He _did_ ," said Sam emphatically. "That's what I was trying to tell you. Metatron killed Dean. I checked him myself, Castiel, and he was stone dead. And I tried to summon Crowley, but he never came. And when I returned to the room with Ember and Dean… they were both gone, and so was the First Blade."

 **August 9**

 **TWO MONTHS LATER**

Castiel and Sam had looked everywhere for Ember and Dean, with no luck. They clearly did not want to be found. And Castiel had gotten sicker… and sicker… and sicker. He felt horrible. And miserable. All he wanted to do was sleep. He had heard of human sickness before, but he was starting to wonder how sick he would get before he actually died.

In July he had left the bunker to die in peace, and retired to the home he used to share with Ember. She hadn't re-done the angel warding since the last time they had met in the house, and so Castiel had settled down in their old bed to die.

Finally, near the beginning of August, Castiel had gotten a surprising visit from Hannah, who had asked for his help tracking down a couple of stray angels. It had been a disaster, but Castiel felt as though Hannah was at least starting to see why humans were so special.

When the phone rang on August 9th and it was Sam, Castiel picked it up with trepidiation. Sam never called just to talk; there must be news.

"You need to get to Beulah, North Dakota – now," Sam said when he finally answered.

"I do?"

"Yes. Ember and Dean were there, with Crowley. We've got to pick up their trail."

"Good. Great," said Castiel. He was happy there was news about Dean and Ember, but he was also _so_ tired. Then there was Hannah, and explaining to her about Ember and Dean was going to add another complication.

"Yeah, um...not so much. Cas... Dean's a demon. And if Ember is with him I think… I think they both must be."

Castiel's breath seemed stolen from him. He thought back to Ember's pride in her ability to control her demon side. " _She'll be really upset about the 13 humans she killed, and how close she got to going 'dark side'"… "Castiel, I may be a half-demon, but I'm pretty sure I'm more_ righteous _than you today..."_ Sam had told him that Ember was influenced by the Mark's influence on Dean, but he still didn't understand how Dean had gone from apparently dead to being a demon. "Dean's a demon? How?"

"The Mark," said Sam. "I-I guess it -it just messed him up. I don't know."

"That is a vast understatement," said Castiel.

"Right. Now, Cas, listen. I know you're not feeling so hot, but this is kind of an 'all hands on deck' situation here, so..."

Castiel understood. "So... I'll meet you there."

Although Hannah seemed less than thrilled about the prospect, she opted to accompany Castiel.

"Are you sure about this?" she asked him carefully on the road to North Dakota.

If you wanted to stay behind..." said Castiel.

"I didn't," she said, taking a breath. "I just...Castiel...I think the Winchesters are a bad influence on you."

"Sam and Dean may be a bit rough around the edges, but they're the best men I've ever known," said Castiel. "And they're my friends."

"And the half-demon?" Hannah asked. "You weren't seriously…"

Castiel felt insulted on Ember's behalf, and he had to remind himself that angels thought as he used to. "She's not like you think," Castiel said. "She's so much more."

"I've heard of her powers of attraction," Hannah said, and Castiel could tell she was trying to be delicate. "That must be…" _Wonderful? Sinful? Amazing? Tainting?_ Castiel wasn't sure which word Hannah was going for, and perhaps Hannah didn't either.

"It wasn't her choice to be born a half-demon," said Castiel. "But it _was_ her choice to fight, for all of these years, on the side of Heaven, to turn against her own nature in the process. And it's more than just about her supernatural attraction. She cared for me when I was human, and we fell in love."

"But now you are once again an angel, Castiel. So you no longer have the feelings-…"

"Yes, I do," Castiel said firmly.

"Why?" Hannah asked.

Castiel considered this. "I don't know," he said.

"Then… why did you end the relationship?"

"Because of the mission," he answered.

"But the mission is over."

Castiel was becoming tired of her questions, and tired in general. "But I have not long for this world," he said. "She is better off with someone whole and healthy." He paused. "That's a part of what love is, Hannah. You want what is best for someone else, even if it isn't what is best for you. Like angels who follow a mission… except that it centers on a person."

Hannah seemed to consider this. "That is a very good explanation," she said. Then she added, "I have never felt that. It sounds wonderful… but inconvenient."

Perhaps it was.

 **August 10**

It had been a long day. Castiel had fallen asleep in the car, and driven himself and Hannah off the road. A lovely couple had been kind enough to take them in for the night and help them fix the car. Castiel had slept through most of it, but Hannah reported surprise at human kindness. The couple had had a little girl, and Hannah said that she was "very inquisitive and bubbly… are all young humans like that?"

"Many of them," Castiel had said, and he had related stories about Ember's children… Josephine's intelligence, Aidan's tenacity, and Krissy's determination. Hannah had seemed genuinely interested and asked a lot of questions, and at some point Castiel had fallen back to sleep.

When he awakened, he was at the playground that was the entrance to Heaven, and Hannah was nowhere to be found. He knew exactly what she was doing, and he wouldn't have it. He had won against Metatron and could die without guilt. He wanted only to see Dean and Ember be human again, perhaps, and then he could truly die in peace.

As he had feared, he found Hannah in Heaven's jail talking to Metatron. "What are you doing?" he said gruffly.

"Ugh. You know perfectly well what she's doing, ass-tiel," said his nemesis.

"I had to. You are dying," protested Hannah.

"She's right. You totally are," agreed Metatron.

"You shut up!" snapped Castiel at Metatron.

"He said your grace - it's still out there," pleaded Hannah.

"He's lying. He is a liar."

"Hey, words hurt!" Metatron said.

Castiel ignored him. "Listen to me, Hannah. You don't want this. I've made deals born of desperation, and they always end in blood and tears - always." _Raphael. Becoming God. Destroying Sam's wall. The Leviathans. The Fall._

"So I'm supposed to let you..."

"Yes. It's my life, and it's my choice. And I don't want this." He was surprised that his voice still had this much clarity, that he could still feel this passionately about anything while he felt so sick.

"I...You're right. I'm sorry," said Hannah, and she left Castiel with Metatron, shame peppering the face of her vessel.

"You're wrong," Metatron said. "Not about the lying part. I am a terrific liar. But there is some of your mojo left. Not a lot... But enough. And it can be yours for the low, low price of –"

"Keep it," Castiel said

"Seriously?" said Metatron. He narrowed his eyes. "What about Ember? You're just gonna die on her? I thought you loved her…"

Castiel smiled. "You don't know what love is. And I've made peace with my fate."

"Who's the liar now?" Metatron asked.

Castiel smiled again. "I enjoy thinking about you locked up in here, rotting until the end of time. It's my...happy place." Then he turned on his heel and left with a smile, with Metatron shouting after him.

 _Peace._


	33. S10 Part 1, Hannah

**Author's Note: GISH was so much fun. If you haven't done it, you should. It'll be the best week of your life.**

 **This chapter is mostly new material. I don't own Supernatural, but I do own Ember. Please review!**

 **August 11**

"Cas! I've been trying to reach you for hours!"

Castiel sent an angry look at Hannah, who had not awakened him despite the fact that his phone had been ringing. "I'm very sorry Sam, it seems that my phone has been on silent. We'll be in Buelah in an hour."

"Don't bother," Sam said. "I've got them. But... is there a chance you can head back to the bunker?"

"Of course," he said, and relief flared in his chest and blossomed outward. He suddenly seemed to have energy again, as though just knowing they were safe made his body feel lighter.

"How are they?"

"Ember's okay, Cas," Sam said, and then he paused. "Well, she's… she's pretty messed up. But… she'll get over it with time, I think. But Cas, Dean is still a demon."

"I expected so," Castiel said. "But why Ember?"

"It's called a demon blood bond, according to Crowley," Sam said. "It was a failsafe put in place by Lucifer. He didn't want to lose demonic souls to the power of love. It's also been used as a conversion method. _When two souls have been bonded, if both with demon blood, the demon blood shall rule."_

Castiel thought about this. "It makes sense, I suppose," he agreed. "So the blood bond has been broken?"

"Yeah, Crowley told me the spell," said Sam. "I guess Dean and Ember were getting a little out of control. I had to get some of Dean's blood and some of Ember's, and pour them both onto the person possessing the most demonic power and say the incantation."

"Who had the most demonic power?" Castiel asked, thinking of Ember's extremely strong natural power.

"In this case Dean, thanks to the Mark," said Sam. "So the Demon Blood Bond is broken, but Ember's still pretty messed up about it, and Dean's still a demon…"

"I'll come right away," Castiel said.

He and Hannah drove late into the night. He could tell that Hannah was irritated, but she kept silent until they had almost reached a town with some hotels where they would stay the night.

Finally, she said, "I'm sorry. I just can't see how Sam Winchester could ask you to drive all this way to help with his brother, knowing your condition."

Castiel was silent, but Hannah guessed the truth. "He doesn't know … about how badly your borrowed grace is fading, does he?"

"He knows some," Castiel said. Truthfully, he doubted that Sam realized how close to death he actually was. Plus, Sam had other things on his plate. "And he didn't have to ask. Sam is alone in this. He's attempting to change Dean from demon to human with a cure of sanctified blood, but … There's no guarantee that will work. If it doesn't, then Dean is gone and the demon must be dealt with. And Ember…"

But Castiel's voice croaked on the word "Ember", and he found he couldn't say anything more. How scared she must be, and broken…

"I just … I worry about you," Hannah said.

In that moment, she reminded Castiel of his old friend Domiel. It had been a long time since he had had another angel he trusted and cared about as much as Hannah.

 **August 12**

When Castiel awoke again, however, he found himself in the middle of nowhere. Hannah was outside of the car. "Sorry," she said, looking at the map. "I missed another turn. I have no idea where the main road is. These things—they're so confining and primitive."

She looked at Castiel, her eyebrows scrunching in worry. "It's …It's getting worse, isn't it? Castiel, it's time we stopped avoiding the obvious. You and I both know how to fix this—both you and the situation."

"I will not slit some angel's throat and steal its grace. Before you say it—we definitely are not going begging to Metatron," Castiel answered harshly.

"What about helping your friend? And sending the rogue angels back to Heaven? Your preference to die for your principles, it's very noble, but it is meaningless."

"Then you carry on," Castiel said insistently.

"I'm not enough!" Hannah exclaimed.

"Sometimes enough is whatever you have," Castiel said gently. He had been standing too long, and he felt winded. Just as he was about to stumble, Hannah reached down to take his wrist. Castiel looked at their clasped hands with dawning comprehension. She couldn't… have _feelings_ for him. Could she?

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

An hour or so later, Castiel had concocted a solid plan regarding how to deal with Hannah. He was very proud of it. It was the kind of thing Ember would have done, he thought. It was… politically correct. He decided to begin discussing the situation when they pulled over to a gas station to get gas. "Um, Hannah. You know, this—this road we're on… It—it's dangerous."

"All right," she said frankly.

"Um… We can't afford to lose our way," Castiel said, continuing to hint.

"I know that. I'm sorry about the map," she said.

"No detours of any kind," he added. He was speaking in layers, the way Ember had taught him. He was referencing, in general, her feelings for him, but he also wanted to make sure she understood that they absolutely _must_ go straight to the bunker. The more he thought about it, the more it occurred to him that she might not have been entirely truthful about how lost she had been the last few days. Her trip to Heaven, in particular, had been completely unnecessary. What if Sam hadn't been able to manage things on his own?

"Castiel, if these are metaphors and you're attempting another human communication … It isn't working," Hannah said.

Had he been this dense when he first met the Winchesters? He had a bad feeling that he had been almost worse. "I'm just trying to say this mission is everything," he answered.

"I know that," said Hannah.

"Getting to Dean and hunting these rogues … I—I'm not at full capacity, so I … we n-need total focus."

"Like a laser. Got it."

"Just … I've been around humans for long enough to see how easily distractions occur," Castiel continued.

"Distractions," Hannah repeated, trying out the word.

"Emotions, feelings … They're dangerous temptations," he added. He really couldn't be any clearer than that without actually saying "I'm worried that you may have feelings for me which I don't return." Had it been this uncomfortable for Ember, knowing that he had feelings for her while she was still with Dean? He supposed he would never get the chance to ask her. It would be awkward, now that they had broken up.

"How very Biblical, Castiel," she said.

Castiel had a feeling that she was starting to grasp that they were discussing more than just her confusion over the map.

"I don't mean to be unkind," he said gently.

"You don't need to be kind," she retorted.

"I just … I'm trying to keep our priorities clear," he explained.

"Not to worry, then," she said, heading into the gas station. "I'm very clear on my priorities. And yours."

Good.

Not good. It was too quiet.

Castiel stumbled into the gas station. Inside, Adina, the rogue angel, held a knife to Hannah's throat. But he was too weak, too weak to help her, and he felt himself being thrown through a window. He could feel the matted blood on his face, even though angels weren't supposed to bleed. They weren't supposed to sleep, either, and he had done that, too. And all he wanted was to help Sam, and to see Ember one last time…

And then Crowley was standing over him. Crowley had a bottle full of grace. Castiel pushed it away. _Did he kill Hannah, or Adina?_ But he was so weak…

"Don't be an idiot," said Crowley. "Yes, it's hers, but she was killing your girlfriend. Your hands are clean. As much as it pains me to say this … You're useless to me dead."

 _Girlfriend… Ember?_ Crowley had put the grace in Castiel's mouth, and against his will, he felt himself healing. He stood up, his awareness back and his senses on edge with the presence of first Adina, then Crowley.

"You owe me," Crowley said.

"Why did you help me?" Castiel demanded, annoyed.

"Purely business," said the demon. "Since you're five miles away from the Winchester's Clubhouse, I can only surmise that you're headed there. And that Dean has become a handful. Having him as a demon has caused me nothing but grief. Fix the problem."

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

When Castiel arrived at the bunker, he could tell something was wrong. The bunker was in supernatural lock-down mode, and the doors were auto-shut complete with warding. Even as he watched, however, the bunker returned to normal and Castiel was able to open the door. He ran in, only to pass the tall form of Sam who only barely acknowledged him. Sam looked more stressed than Castiel had seen him since the trials, his hair slicked back with stress and a fearful look on his face.

Castiel followed Sam to one of the back maintenance rooms, and they both slid to a stop at the sight that greeted them.

Ember looked incredibly different from the woman Castiel had dated only two months ago. There was something infinitely frail about her. She was wearing a bathrobe of Dean's and her usual clothes, as well as a bandage on her foot which was coming unraveled. Wet hair fell to her shoulders outside of its pony tail, and the clothes she wore seemed somehow too big for her body. There was something in her face that spoke volumes, too, a strange sadness and wrinkles that hadn't there two months before.

Most of all, her soul was dimmer somehow, and it broke Castiel's heart to see. The usual pleasant feeling he had expected upon seeing her again was less potent than he remembered, as though even her powers were refusing to shine.

Still, Ember had a fierce determination in her eyes, and Castiel realized as his stomach plummeted that she was using her demon powers to hold Dean in place on the wall.

Dean was different than Castiel remembered as well. Black eyes shown out of his face, which was somehow more cocky than Castiel remembered it. His soul was tarnished and corrupt, though not as much as Castiel had expected. It seemed that Sam had already begun the healing process, and Dean had somehow gotten loose. He saw the same panic on Sam's face that he felt rising from his stomach.

Castiel wasted no time in subduing Dean with his angel powers. When Ember realized that Castiel had taken control, it was as though the fight left her. Any flickering of her old powers was dead, and her eyes took on the same deadened, haunted look that he had seen in the rest of her face. She acknowledged him with a silent nod of the head, but aside from this there was no acknowledgement that they were even friends, much less former lovers.

The three of them rushed Dean into the dungeon to administer what turned out to be the final dose of human blood necessary to cure a demon. Immediately after the serum entered his body, however, Dean's head lolled onto his shoulders – he had passed out.

"What the hell are we doing to him, Cas?" Sam asked. "I mean, even after I gave him all that blood, he still said he didn't want to be cured, that he didn't want to be human."

"Well… I see his point," Castiel said. "You know, only humans can feel real joy, but … also such profound pain. This is easier." Ember looked at Castiel then, and Castiel stared back at her, willing her eyes to show him anything but the deadened look he had seen a few minutes before. Finally, there was a flash of something – vulnerability, perhaps? Misery, certainly. Still, it was better than numb resolution.

Castiel's thoughts were interrupted by a soft groan from Dean. As the three watched, the black in Dean's eyes appeared to dissipate. Castiel took his angel blade in hand, watching Dean wearily. Sam unscrewed the flask in his hand, ready to douse Dean in holy water. Dean looked around, uncertain, and groaned. "You look worried, fellas."

Sam threw the holy water on Dean, who didn't react except to give Sam an annoyed look. -Sam smiled. "Welcome back, Dean."

Castiel could see it in Dean's eyes, when it hit: the guilt. The remorse, over everything that had happened, and with it, the weight of the world. The look he gave Ember was desperate, and it mirrored Ember's own countenance – deadend, haunted, and, Castiel now realized, guilty.

Ember dropped her gaze from Dean and left the room quietly.

"Sam, what happened?" Castiel asked the younger Winchester.

"I don't know," Sam said, his gaze never leaving his brother. "I was most of the way done with the cure, and I didn't realize the cuffs wouldn't hold him anymore… so I warned Ember that he was loose, and the next thing I knew she was in front of me…" Sam took his eyes off of Dean long enough to give a wistful look at the doorway, but then his gaze returned to his brother. Castiel understood that Sam wanted to stay with Dean, and so he followed Ember out of the dungeon.

It took awhile to find Ember, but finally he did, curled up in her car in the giant garage. He sat down next to her and pulled her into his arms, where he held her. She did not protest, but simply let out a hiccup. She smelled exactly like he remembered, and for a second, he almost doubted his decision; almost.

It was several minutes before either of them spoke. Finally, Ember said, "I heard you were living at the house."

"I was dying," Castiel said. "I was very close to death. I should've been dead by now. There was a… an incident, though. Crowley managed to feed me another stolen grace."

Castiel fully expected Ember to say something like, "Well, next time I see Crowley, I'll only chop off _one_ of his limbs." Instead, she simply let out a dry sob when she heard his name.

"So that's what Krissy didn't tell me," she said finally. "How… how long do you have?" She finally met his eyes, and Castiel noticed again the change in them. Ember had aged much in the last day alone, he thought. He pulled her closer in a hug. "Maybe a year, at best, I suppose," he said.

Ember nodded, lowering her head again so that she didn't have to meet his eyes. He stroked her hair. "I wish I could take the pain away," he said.

Ember looked up at him again, hopefully. "Is it – do you know if…" she trailed off. "I'm not saying I _want_ to… I'd have to think about it. But… could you remove my memories?" He opened his mouth to speak, but she cut him off hurriedly. "I mean, last time, when Dean and I broke up, I didn't _want_ them removed, and you were trying to do it in a hurry, for him, but maybe if-…"

Castiel shook his head. "I don't think so," he said. "Your brain isn't like a human's. It's more… resistant." She nodded, looking downward.

"I could look… I could see if I could help, though," he added, hopefully. He held two fingers up to her head in a question.

She looked at him, her gaze watery, and nodded.

They hadn't done this since they had broken up, however. He was surprised to find Ember's mind drastically different from the last time.

He had known that she would be shaken up from her experience as a demon, but he was surprised at the disorganization of her thoughts, the depth of her depression, and the damage to her soul. It was as though someone had taken a lovely garden, pulled up all of the flowers and pretty shrubbery, and tossed it everywhere. The few times he had been inside her mind before, he had taught her how to show him only what she wanted him to see. Now, however, the entirety of her mind, and the damage to it, was laid bare to him.

He saw how she saw him: an angel, far above her, now that she had gone demon. He would always be out of reach, and she didn't deserve him, and he would never love her again, she thought. But she loved him fiercely, with every part of her being, more than he could have imagined. His heart gave a guilty squeeze, but there was nothing that could be done about it – his decision was final.

He witnessed a few of the worst things she had done as a demon. There were a lot of men, he noticed, and some torture, and -… realizing where Castiel was searching, Ember hastily constructed a shoddily-built mental wall, and Castiel drew back. He tried not to think about what he had seen, because it made his stomach boil with jealousy and hatred.

Castiel turned a corner in Ember's mind, and there he witnessed the other feeling (aside from guilt) which dominated most of her feelings right now – confusion. Confusion about their break-up, confusion about her love for him, and, most of all, confusion about her demon powers, and about where to go next.

Finally, he removed his fingers from her head, and she collapsed into him again, hiccupping with sobs. "I'm the one who should be sorry," he said honestly. "I never properly explained… look at me."

Slowly, Ember wiped the tears from her eyes, and pulled back from him, looking at him. "We didn't break up because you don't deserve me. I've caused far more death than you, far more destruction. I've…" But he was at a loss for words. How could she _possibly_ think she didn't deserve him, even now? As he thought this, unbidden to his mind came his words from so many years ago: " _Now I understand these feelings I've always had for you. For a moment I was scared I was actually attracted to a_ demon!"

He would have to show her, then. Carefully, he put two fingers to her head. He showed her his love for her, beyond anything he thought he could ever feel, even as an angel. Then he showed her his sense of duty. He showed her his murder of the angels in Heaven, how desperate he was that another angel not die so that he could have their grace, and how desperate _he_ was to be worthy of _her._

"It was never meant to be," he told her softly after removing her hand. "I'm an _angel_. You can't keep me alive. The months we had together were the best months of my existence. But it couldn't continue." Castiel saw weary acceptance creep slowly into Ember's face, and she nodded, once.

"As far as your memories," Castiel told her, "I can't do anything about those. Your mind is too resistant. No angel is that powerful, even the archangels. To delete or manipulate your memories would destroy you."

Ember nodded, resolutely. "I can, however, answer some of your questions."

Ember looked up hopefully. A single tear slid down her cheek, but other than that she had stopped crying.

"I understand about the Demon Blood Bond," Castiel said. "From what Crowley told Sam, you should be free of it, no matter what happens with the Mark of Cain. You're your own person, now." He saw the slightest bit of relief cross Ember's face.

"Now I'm going to ask you questions you don't want to answer, but I need to know, in order to answer the questions you do want answered," said Castiel.

Ember looked at him, showing him she understood exactly what he meant. She had steeled herself. "What were the worst things you did, while you were a demon?" Castiel asked.

Ember's face contorted, and Castiel almost wished he hadn't asked. He had to ask, though, so that he could get the information to give her the answers she needed. It was several seconds before she spoke. Finally, she said softly, "I think I might have killed… at least once. I… I'm not sure. He might've bled out. I caught him at a playground, going for some kids, and… I just left him there." She let out a sob. "And… a lot of… sex. And… speeding. There was a family… in a car, and I tried to heal - but I think the mother might've been pregnant…" Castiel had seen this last bit in her mind, before she had put up a wall. He knew it was this that weighed on her most heavily.

Castiel nodded. He was appalled, but at the same time, it could have been much worse. Mostly, his stomach twisted with horrible jealousy. "Your place in Heaven is secure," he said, ignoring the hollow feeling in his stomach. "You haven't done anything to jeopardize that."

"It shouldn't be," she said derisively.

" _But it is,_ " Castiel insisted. "Ember, how many demons did you exorcise from civilians during the year of the Apocalypse _alone?"_ Ember looked at him, surprised. "The life you, and Dean, and Sam, and even I live comes with risks. You take the risks, and you hope at the end of the day that the good outweighs the bad."

Ember looked at him curiously. "You said that once," he offered, and was relieved to see her smile, if only slightly. "You had a bad day," he said, stroking her hair. "Get busy making tomorrow better."

Ember nodded, leaning into him again. "About your powers," Castiel added, and Ember once more lifted off of him to look at him curiously. "The farther you go toward the dark side, the more powers you'll retain," he said.

Ember looked at him with fear. "Does that mean I-…"

"No," Castiel said. "You haven't gone 'dark side.' Just… farther in that direction. You'll retain some of the powers you had while you were a demon, but it's just like before – you can use them without risking going 'dark side', as long as you don't use them for ill."

She swallowed, appearing to accept this. "Cas, I… I think I can teleport now."

"Sam said something about that," Castiel nodded.

Ember looked reflective. "It _will_ make things easier," she added.

"See?" he said. "Not all bad."

Ember looked at him, finally quirking a small smile. He pulled her closer again, and they sat that way, in her car, for a very long time.

Finally, he could hear her even breathing, and realized she was asleep. He envied her this – he would miss sleeping, until this new grace began to burn out as well. Perhaps next time he began to experience sleep he would appreciate it more. Carefully, he pushed back a strand of hair that had fallen into Ember's face. He remembered everything – all the times they had had together, and her children, and how it felt to be inside of her.

Then he thought about the Mark of Cain, and his fading grace. With a shuddering breath, he left the bunker.

 **November 25**

 **THREE MONTHS LATER**

Castiel hadn't seen Sam, Dean, or Ember in three months. He had kept in touch with Dean by phone, and Sam occasionally.

He had heard from Dean that Ember had switched her therapy business to a private practice serving survivors of supernatural attacks or possession. He was proud of her. He hadn't thought of that, but he liked the idea that she was doing something that would take all of her talents and combine them, while also giving her more flexibility and being beneficial to others.

Castiel could also tell from his conversations with Dean that he had gotten back together with Ember. Dean never referred to this outwardly, but he seemed to be "on the way to Ember's place" or "hunting with Ember" an awful lot. He also used phrases like "Ember and I" or "Ember and Sam" in ways that Castiel strongly disliked, but had no right to say so. Dean seemed healthy – a bit gruff, perhaps, a bit angrier, but not demonic. They had used each other to heal, perhaps, after he had left. Castiel was glad for this, because it meant that Ember was happy, and that Dean could put off succumbing to the Mark for as long as possible.

"Does it hurt?" Hannah asked one time after he and Dean hung up. "That he's with her now?"

"No more than it hurt Dean when I started dating her, perhaps," said Castiel, remembering Dean kicking him out of the Impala.

Hannah cocked her head. "I don't understand," she said.

Castiel sighed. "Perhaps she has moved on," he said. "But I haven't. Yes, it hurts. It hurts every day, and it never stops."

"And there is nothing you can do to make it better?" Hannah asked.

He shook his head. "There is the mission," he answered.

As he and Hannah grew closer, however, he once again began to notice that she began to touch him and look at him more often. There were pregnant pauses in which it seemed she was waiting on something, and longing looks in her eye. At one point she even stripped naked for him in a hotel room, then gave him a quick excuse about needing a shower. He appreciated the curves of her vessel, and perhaps if he were still human he would be tempted by her. Still, he would never feel that way for anyone but Ember, and so he repelled her advances.

Finally, near the end of November, Hannah accidentally ran into the husband of her vessel, Caroline, at a hotel.

"Castiel. This is Joe...my husband," she said when he returned to see what was taking her so long checking out of the hotel. She was shooting him looks that quite clearly said "help me."

"Who is this guy?" said Hannah's vessel's husband, looking at Castiel with narrowed eyes. Are you saying you're...together?"

"What?" said Hannah, caught off guard and clearly out of her element. "Yes," she said, taking Castiel's hand in hers. "I left you. For him. He's the reason." She was shooting Castiel looks imploring him to play along.

"No," said Joe. "No, I don't believe it. This guy? You? No, there's something... You're not that kind of person, okay? You wouldn't do that. You couldn't do that."

Castiel knew what Hannah was going to do a second before she did it, but was helpless to stop it. Hannah's kiss felt like nothing. It was nothing like kissing Ember. It wasn't altogether unpleasant, but it didn't make his vessel hot the way Ember did. She smelled of watermelon.

He missed Ember.

 **November 27**

"At some point, we have to talk about what happened," Castiel said. They had been avoiding it for two days.

The mission was almost over, now. There were still a few rogue angels left on Earth, but they were all harmless. They wanted to stay and experience the things they had seen and felt while they were free, and Castiel couldn't begrudge them this. He had taught Hannah the same, and eventually she had agreed to pardon them and leave them alone so long as they agreed to never harm a human. Most of the rogue angels had returned to Heaven, however.

"He wouldn't listen, Castiel," Hannah complained finally. "He wouldn't let me go. I didn't want to hurt him. I could've erased his memories, but... It didn't feel right. I thought if he truly believed we were together, he'd give up. And it worked." She paused. "So, why does it feel so bad?"

"You did the right thing," Castiel advised. He smiled, thinking of his first interactions with humans, which had been so ridiculously misguided. "You hurt him, but you gave him a reason, something he could use to move forward and make sense of his loss. I had to take my vessel from his family - twice, actually. Jimmy Novak. He was a good man. He was married, had a daughter...Claire."

While he was with Ember, they had checked on Claire. Amelia, his vessel's wife, had disappeared, but Claire had been staying with a grandmother and doing well. They had tried to look for Amelia, but the leads had gone cold. They had made plans to check on Claire once each summer until her 18th birthday. He had missed it this year, actually, because things had been so busy…

"And?" Hannah asked.

"And it was difficult, but necessary," said Castiel. "The mission comes first - always."

Even when it meant giving up the one person he wanted most in the world.

 **November 28**

Hannah had barely spoken since their conversation the previous day. Castiel thought he knew what was wrong with her. It was not a surprise to him, then, when she said, "I'm sorry, Castiel. I'm not going with you. I'm done."

He silently beckoned her to take a walk with him. "It's hard letting go... of a story, a mission," she said finally. "But what of the humans whose lives we sacrifice in the name of that mission?"

Castiel felt a pang of guilt for the man once known as Jimmy. He and Jimmy had parted amicably, though. When Jimmy had been blown away from his body and sent to Heaven, he had been fully in support of stopping the fight between Lucifer and Michael. Honestly, of the many things he did regret, Jimmy had been necessary for saving the world, and he was confident that Jimmy had understood this before he had died. He was honored among humans in Heaven. "What of them?"

"We always said the humans were our original mission. Maybe it's time, Castiel - time to put them first," said Hannah.

"Where is all this coming from?" asked Castiel, though he thought he knew.

"Being on Earth, working with you, I've felt things. Human things - passions, hungers. To shower, feel water on my skin... to get closer to you. But all of that was nothing compared to what I felt when I saw him. Her husband - his anger and his grief. And Caroline was inside of me, screaming out for him, for her life back. These f-feelings, they aren't for me, for us. They belong to her. I know it's time to step aside."

Castiel understood. He had been more than four years now without a vessel, so long that he had almost forgotten what it felt like to be at the mercy of the whims and desires of the vessel. Though he still maintained Jimmy's body, it had been a long time since he had shared it with Jimmy's soul.

He was happy – happy Hannah had resolved her feelings for him, happy she had become more educated about humans, and happy she had made the choice to do what needed to be done. Still, he was sad, because she had been a friend, and now he was alone again.

Perhaps it was time to search for Claire and Amelia.

His first stop was Heaven. "Jimmy," he said. "I'm sorry I haven't visited."

Jimmy smiled. It was ironic, Castiel thought, because he had become so used to thinking of his vessel as himself. Now he stared at his exact picture, except different – softer, perhaps, and more worn-looking. "Castiel," he said. "Please… give me news of my family."

"I checked on them a year ago," Castiel said. "The news is not all good, Jimmy, I'm sorry. Amelia… she has disappeared. She is hidden, even from me. But as soon as I can find her…"

"You looked?" Jimmy asked. "With your senses?"

"At the time I did not have angel powers," he admitted. "But I used what magic I could, and she is hidden. I will try again, but I came to you first."

"And Claire?" asked Jimmy.

"She is living with her grandmother," said Castiel. "She seemed happy, when Ember and I visited."

"Ember?" asked Jimmy, raising his eyebrows.

"Yes," admitted Castiel. "Yes, in the end you were right… you were right about everything. And… you were right about Ember."

Jimmy smiled. "I know," he said. Then he added, "Find my family, Castiel."


	34. S10 Part 2, Amazing Grace

Author's Note: This was a long chapter, but it was difficult to find exactly a place to end it. My coverage of Season 10 is going to be significantly shorter than Season 9. PLEASE REVIEW!

I don't own Supernatural.

 **January 18**

Even with his angel powers, Amelia was hidden, which worried Castiel. Unable to find the mother, he ultimately moved on to check on the daughter.

The last time Castiel had tracked down Claire, things had been easier. Ember had been there to do the talking. He should have perhaps called Krissy, even – she would have known what to do, or at least how a teenage girl thought. But, he had lost touch with her over the past six months, after he had cut himself out of Ember's life.

A lot had changed in a year and a half. Claire's grandmother had died six months before, and Claire had apparenty been transferred from group home to group home since that point. It was there that Castiel finally found her. He broken her out of the group home, only to be ditched by her at the first opportunity she had.

Castiel immediately thought of Ember, Dean, and Sam. Now, for the first time since the Demon Blood Bond, he had an actual reason to speak to them. Ember in particular used to deal with teenage girls like Claire Novak every day… she would know what to do.

It had been nearly nine months since their break-up, seven months since the last time they'd had sex, and five months since the last time he'd seen her. Continuing to avoid the Winchesters, (and by extension Ember) with an issue like this was pathetic by human standards, much less angelic standards.

 **January 19**

Castiel prepared himself for the intake of breath that would bring with it all the things he associated with Ember – desire, oranges, demon, attraction, _love_. All of those things were there... but there was so much more. It came back to him full-force, and he _needed_ her, and he missed her, and he-

"This is why you called us?" Dean asked. " _This_ is your emergency?"

"Yes!" insisted the angel. Ember had the strangest look on her face. It was one of vulnerability, and love, and fear, and he wanted to hold her… but he didn't dare.

"No, Cas! An emergency is a dead body, okay? Or—or a wigged-out angel, or the Apocalypse, take three. Some chick bolting on you is not an emergency. That's … that's every Friday night for Sam."

"Dude," Sam protested.

"Well," Dean kidded his brother.

"This isn't just 'some chick.' I'm responsible for her," protested Castiel.

"Since when?" Dean asked. "You met her once, how many years ago?"

"Look, Cas," said Sam. "Even if we do find Claire … Then what?"

"She rolled you, and then she ran, okay? It's pretty clear that she doesn't want to play house," said Dean.

"I don't know, I think it's great that you're following up with your vessels' daughter." Ember said quietly and they all turned to look at her. Sam raised his eyebrows slightly, and Dean got a sudden crease between his eyebrows.

Castiel smiled shyly at her, and she smiled back at him, and for a moment it was almost as though it was just the two of them. "I need to know that Claire is safe," Castiel said. "And I need your help."

"All right," Sam said, and the spell was broken as both Ember and Castiel turned to look at him. "Uh … Why don't we go ask around at the group home?"

"Uh, you know what? We're going to stick here in case she circles back," said Dean, gesturing to Castiel. "You go ahead." Castiel understood that Dean wanted Ember as far from Castiel as possible, and he understood why. It was for the best, really – a relief. The smallest look of disappointment crossed Ember's face, or perhaps Castiel imagined it, but she turned her head and followed Sam back to the Impala.

"All right, so spill," said Dean after they were gone. "What's with the family reunion?"

"I don't know," he said. "I've just been … thinking about people. No problem. I've helped some, but I've … I've hurt some."

"So you're having a midlife crisis," Dean said.

"Well, I'm extremely old," Castiel snarked. "I think I'm entitled."

"Cas, listen to me," Dean advised. "There's some stuff you just got to let go. Okay? The people you let down, the ones you can't save … You got to forget about them. For your own good."

"Is that what you do?" he challenged.

"That's the opposite of what I do," Dean said. "But I ain't exactly a role model."

"That's not true," Castiel argued. He had learned how easy it was to give into temptation, as a human. Dean was doing well, not to have given in to the Mark's influence already. Even now, he was glad for the decision he had made.

"Yeah." Dean began to laugh, obviously not believing his friend.

"How are you, Dean?" Castiel asked.

"Fine," Dean said immediately.

Castiel gave him a look. "I'm great!" he insisted again.

"No, you're not," Castiel argued.

"Yeah, well, I lost the black eyes, so that's a plus. But I still have this." Dean reached over and gently slapped the Mark on his arm.

"Is the Mark of Cain still affecting you?" Castiel asked.

A hooded look came over Dean's eyes, and his friend did not answer. "Dean?" Castiel asked again.

Dean blinked, returning to the present. "Cas, I need you to promise me something."

"Of course."

"If I do go dark side, you've got to take me out," said Dean.

"What do you mean?" asked the angel, although he already knew.

"Knife me. Smite me," Dean said. "Throw me into the freakin' sun, whatever. And don't let Sam, or Ember, get in the way, because they'll try. I can't go down that road again, man. I can't be that thing again."

"I was hoping Ember would help," Castiel confessed. "I honestly think she's always had a calming effect on-…"

"She does," Dean said emphatically. "Cas, you should know… we're engaged."

Something in Castiel's throat clenched up, and his heart turned over. He somehow managed to not let his reaction show, except for a small, involuntary tick of his mouth. Dean did not miss it. "Cas, I love her," he said.

"I know, Dean. If you hurt her, I'll-…"

"I know," he said seriously. "And that's why you have to _promise_ me. You _have_ to _take_ me _out."_

 **January 20**

Castiel had been bowled over by both Dean's request and his admission that he and Ember were engaged. Now was not the time, however, for Castiel to deal with his feelings about either issue.

The Claire situation was worse than Castiel could have imagined. During her time away from the group home over the past year and a half, she had fallen in with a guy named Randy who had conned her into stealing and scavenging for him. Randy was in trouble with a loan shark, however, and Castiel and his friends arrived just as Randy attempted to trade Claire to the loan shark to repay his debt.

It was Ember who saved the day. She was able to retrieve Claire from Randy's home, while invisible. Castiel could see Ember, still invisible, leading Claire away from the home as they drove up in the Impala. She shot him a look then that he would never forget. He knew she was full of adrenaline, and the look she gave him while invisible was one full of unabashed love, and wonder. She winked, and Castiel knew he was the only one who could see her… the look had been just for him.

Castiel smiled back shyly, unable to help himself, as Ember became visible again. Then suddenly a scream came from behind her. It was the loan shark. "What the fuck, bitch!" he screamed at Ember. "She's mine, fair and square, you stupid whore!"

Suddenly, Dean was there, too, crazed, his pupils blown wide, like a killer. "Dean!" Ember screamed at him, but he kept going. He punched the man who had crept up behind Ember and Claire, once, twice, laying into the man. "Dean!" Ember and Castiel screamed again, but he wouldn't stop. Blood was gushing from the man's nose and mouth, and Dean had taken him by the throat and was choking him. The man was helpless to resist, and Dean's eyes were cold, his mouth upturned in a smirk. Claire was screaming again, and her screams added to the confusion.

"Dean, please!" Ember screamed, one last time, desperately, and hit Dean with a blast of force-power. Dean was blasted off his feet and backward, where he hit the ground with a light _thud._ Castiel hurried over to heal the loan shark, who was on the brink of death. Once his vital organs were once again in tact, Castiel let him go, and the loan shark began to limp as fast as he could into the forest. His leg was obviously still broken, as Dean had bent it backward, and it stuck out oddly behind him.

Meanwhile, Dean seemed to shake himself, and his eyes ultimately came to rest on Ember. Castiel saw his brown eyes blown wide in the flickering light, and they were full of fear. His breath was coming in giant heaves, and he began to shake. Ember ran to him and hugged him. "Ember," he whispered softly. "Ember…"

Clearly the residual effects of Ember's Demon Blood Bond had given her the bump in force powers that had first been apparent when he had last seen her and she had teleported. Overall, she seemed better than when he had seen her last, but still sad, and resigned. Castiel wanted to throw up. He hated seeing the resolved helplessness in Ember's eyes as she held Dean. He hated seeing them together, hated what his best friend was becoming.

Still, Castiel was dying, and the longer Ember was with Dean, the better off Dean would be. And, as he had told Hannah, the mission came first.

 **January 22**

"Thanks for taking care of Claire," Castiel told Ember when she teleported back to the bunker a few evenings later. Ember had been away from the bunker for the remainder of the week working, so Castiel hadn't seen the harm in staying for a few extra days.

"It was no problem," Ember said, shuffling her feet. It was the first conversation that had transpired between the two of them in months, a fact which Castiel was sure that Ember was also painfully aware. "She's settled at Jody's. I think she's going to be okay there. She seemed to like it, anyway."

"Good," Castiel said awkwardly.

Sam seemed to catch the awkward tone of their conversation, and mercifully changed the subject. "I've never seen Dean like that," he said, sounding worried. "There have been a couple of times since he had the Mark where he seemed to enjoy killing a little too much, but never…"

"Never what?" asked Dean. Sam stood, surprised, as Dean walked in from the other room.

"Dean-…" Ember started.

"I know," said Dean. "You can say it. You're not wrong. I crossed the line. Guys, this thing's gotta go." He looked down at the Mark on his arm.

"That won't be easy," said Castiel, meeting Ember's eye suddenly. There was fear in her gaze, and desperation, and something else that Castiel couldn't decipher.

It wouldn't be easy. But he would look, for Dean, and for Ember. He had a little more time now… just maybe, enough time to figure this out.

 **February 21**

The winter went quickly.

Castiel stayed at one of his safe houses, but came to the bunker from time to time. He texted and talked on the phone with both Winchesters occasionally regarding Dean's Mark of Cain or other monster cases. He continued to not return Ember's calls or texts unless they were urgent, though he did not attempt to avoid her when they happened to be at the bunker at the same time. Each time he saw Ember's number on his cell phone, or saw her in person, he felt his stomach drop and a sharp stabbing pain hit him in the chest of his vessel. Still, they kept their relationship business-like.

Ultimately their search for a way to remove the Mark of Cain from Dean's arm yielded no results. Castiel even tried bringing Metatron down from Heaven, but was forced to return him after Dean became overzealous and almost killed him. Castiel wasn't sure whether or not Metatron had answers about the Mark, anyway. He told them that "the river ends at the source!" but Castiel knew that this was as likely to be a lie as truthful.

Eventually, Castiel decided to look for Cain himself. This was a lengthy process, during which time Castiel discovered riverboat gambling. He found that he liked it more than he thought he would, and Ember and the brothers encouraged him to take a break there when he got frustrated. He found it easy to rig the tables using his angel powers, and donate his money to the poor.

Finally, near the end of February, Castiel found Cain. Cain had turned crazed, and was in the process of killing all of his descendants, believing them to be diseased with his curse. Overall, it would be about 1/10 of the population.

Castiel was horrified, and set off at once for the bunker. In the end, it was decided that Dean would have to kill Cain. "When he gave me the Mark, Cain said that this day would come," Dean told them, packing for the trip. "He told me that after I killed Abaddon, I would have to come and put him down."

"Great. So you're taking orders from a madman," accused Sam.

"No, he wasn't mad then," Dean protested. "Cain resisted the Mark for a long time. Then I came, kicking up trouble about the Blade. I sent him down this path. This is on me."

"It doesn't mean you have to be the one to go after him," Sam argued.

"Yes, it does," said Dean. "And there's only one thing that can kill him."

"The blade," Sam said.

Castiel shared a look with Ember, and she glanced away, sighing. He understood her lack of protest to mean that she understood the situation Dean was in. As the only one who could kill Cain, and with 1/10 of the population at risk, it was necessary for him to intervene, no matter the cost.

Castiel wished Ember could live a normal life. He wished she could live a life without not only the constant threat of demons, but also the threat of having been associated with an angel and the Winchesters… but it had never been in the cards. He had always respected her ability to understand multiple points of view, including giving up the person she loved for the "greater good." It seemed to be a theme in her history of lovers.

"Dean's right," said Castiel.

"Dean, wielding the Blade against Cain himself... win or lose, you may never come back from that fight," said Sam.

"I know," said Dean.

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

They waited in a barn for Cain's arrival. Dean went to go check on Crowley, who was keeping the First Blade until it was time, and Sam went to do a perimeter sweep. For the first time since their break-up, Castiel found himself alone with Ember. He was suddenly hyper-aware of this fact. He had a strong urge to throw her up against the wall and kiss her, but it would've been awkward at best.

When Ember looked up from playing a game on her phone, she looked around and met Castiel's eyes in shock. She sighed, biting her lip awkwardly, then looked down at her phone again.

Just when Castiel was convinced that she wouldn't acknowledge the moment, she said, "Cas… do you think Dean can keep control of the Mark, if he kills Cain?"

Castiel sighed. "I think… I think he's going dark. But there's nobody who is more suited to help him than you are, Ember," he added calmly. "Most of the demons and angels I've met… none of them thought he'd last this long. Even that is an accomplishment."

"What are we going to do?" Ember asked, her eyes wide.

"Nothing out of the ordinary yet," said Sam, who was coming through the door to the barn. "I'll do another sweep in five."

The spell was broken, and both Castiel and Ember looked away.

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

Dean did return from the fight with Cain. Bleeding, worn, and broken, he returned, carrying the First Blade, which he handed to Castiel to be safe. The war was not over yet, but Dean had won the battle. As Castiel watched Ember hug Dean, he knew he had made the right decision, no matter how much it hurt.

 **April 1**

"Thanks for coming, Cas," said Sam.

It was a chance to work with Ember to get rid of the Mark of Cain, at the home they had once shared together. Of _course_ he was going to jump at the opportunity when so readily offered in a friendly setting, though he felt guilty about doing so.

"Of course," Castiel said. "Where's Dean?"

Ember and Sam looked at each other. "This is about Dean," said Sam.

"He's getting worse," Sam said. "Cas, we've gone through every other option possible. We've got to talk about -…"

"Don't say it," Castiel said. Not now, not after everything he had done…

"Do you think I want this?" Sam snapped. "I'm not a fan of it, either. But if we want to get rid of the Mark . . . I'm just saying, Charlie's gone radio silent; everything else we've tried has been a dead end. So . . ."

"So I'll drive," said Castiel determinedly.

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

The plan had been to speak with Metatron again, but that didn't work out as well as the small group had hoped.

"Hello, Castiel," said Hannah, smiling. She had taken another vessel this time, one she had borrowed briefly from Zuliel, who was now the guardian of Heaven's gate. "I swore I'd never occupy another vessel, but . . . we need to have this conversation face-to-face."

"What conversation?" he asked.

"What do you want in Heaven?" asked Hannah. She looked good. Castiel could tell she had been sent down as a leader. She must have been elected as ruler after her return home. She had been his second in command, after all. Leadership suited her well.

"Metatron."

"Why? Is this about your Grace? Are you fading?"

"I'm fine for now," Castiel said.

"This is about my brother," said Sam, stepping forward. Ember stepped also out of the shadows, and Hannah's eyes moved over her tiny form. "Sam Winchester," said Hannah, "And Ember Nelson. It's nice to finally meet you both. I've heard so much about you."

"Nice to meet you," Ember said, polite. Castiel hadn't spoken in depth about Hannah, but he suspected that Ember would know who she was from the few conversations they had had along the way.

Hannah's eyes flicked back and forth between Castiel and Ember, and Castiel gave a quick nod of his head "no." Hannah gave a nod which was just as subtle. Then she asked, "You wish to bring Metatron out of Heaven because you think he might have information about the Mark of Cain?"

"No," Castiel said. "We know he does."

"So he says," Hannah replied. "But Metatron lies."

"Hannah, we just want to talk with him," protested Sam.

"No, you want his help," said Hannah. "But we both know the only way Metatron helps you is if he's free. And I can't let the scribe out of his cell. Not again. He's too dangerous."

"We won't . . ."

"Yes, you will," Hannah said. "Because you're desperate." Four angels emerged out of the shadows, flanking Hannah.

" _Listen to me, Hannah. You don't want this. I've made deals born of desperation, and they always end in blood and tears – always."_ Hannah was reminding him of his own words, now thrown back at him.

Castiel was angry. "After all I've done for Heaven . . . after all I've done for you!" he exclaimed at her.

"I'm sorry," said Hannah, and she looked it.

"You should be!" Castiel explained.

"Cas, let's go," Sam said.

"What? We're leaving?" asked Castiel.

"Yeah, we can't fight off four angels," responded Sam.

"So . . . so what?" asked Castiel when they were out of hearing distance of the angels. "You just want to give up on Metatron?"

"No, we need him," said Sam. "Time for plan 'B'. We break him out."

"Uh… okay," said Ember, raising her eyebrows at Sam. "Any bright ideas, Sherlock?" She rounded on Castiel. "What about you, Watson?"

"Wait, why am I-…" Castiel started.

"Bobby can get him out," Sam said suddenly.

"Sam, that's the dumbest idea-…"

"Do you have a better one?" asked Sam.

"No, but he's in _Heaven,_ and he's _happy_ , and Metatron will be _guarded,_ won't he?" Ember looked at Castiel. "What do you think about this?"

"Actually, the plan has merit," Castiel said, thinking it through. "There really aren't a lot of angels guarding Heaven. They don't have a lot of break-outs. If Bobby can make his way down to the gate, he can open the entrance for me, and then we can break Metatron out together. The prison is actually fairly close to the entrance. But I don't see how we can get word to Bobby if-…"

"I've got an idea about that," said Sam.

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

Four hours later, in the darkness, the group was huddled around the table of a psychic, Oliver Price. "Have you got anything that belonged to the deceased?"

"Yes," said Sam. "Right here." He reverently pulled Bobby's hat out of his bag and placed it on the table. Castiel saw Ember give a look of longing at it.

"Good," said Price. "Now shut up and hold hands." They grasped hands, and Castiel felt an electric current from Ember's hand. He looked up and met her eye, for just a second. To his surprise, he saw reflected on her face all the things he was feeling – longing, desire, love - "Amate spiritus obscure, Te quaerimus," said Mr. Price, and Ember looked away. "Te oramus, nobiscum colloquere, apud nos circita."

Suddenly, they heard as if from far away the tune to an old Kenny Rogers song.

 _You gotta know when to hold em…_

"Bobby?" Sam said. "Bobby, can you hear me? Bobby, we need your help."

"Sam?" Bobby asked, as if from far away.

 **April 2**

Miraculously, the plan had worked. Sam and Ember were both waiting when Castiel showed up with Metatron in the sandbox that was the gate to Heaven.

"Sam-tastic!" Metatron said loudly. "And if it isn't Castiel's little _hell-_ raiser!" he added, looking at Ember. Castiel grasped tighter to Metatron's lapels and shuffled him forward, being careful to be overly rough about the process.

"Miss me?" asked Metatron, who did not seem fazed. "Oh, smell that? That smells like freedom. Well, let's go. I call shotgun!"

"You don't get to make demands, Metatron," said Castiel. "You're not in charge here."

"Oh, I'm afraid I am," said Metatron. "I know about the Mark. I have your Grace. I make the rules. It's called leverage, boys. Learn it, live it, love it."

Castiel looked at Sam and Ember, who nodded. "Do it," said Ember. Castiel pulled out his angel blade and sliced Metatron's throat open. A white light came out of Metatron into a little glass jar. (He caught Ember's eye, and she seemed horrified.) Castiel healed Metatron's throat, and then Sam shot him in the leg.

"Ow!" screamed Metatron. "OW!" Ember smiled.

"We have your Grace, Metatron," said Castiel. "You're mortal now. So you will answer our questions, or Sam will, um . . . What's the phrase? Blow your frickin brains out. It's called leverage, Metatron."

"Learn it, live it, love it," said Sam. "How do we get rid of the Mark?"

Metatron looked terrified. "I-I don't know." Sam aimed the gun at Metatron's head, and Ember began to squeeze his throat with her force powers. "I don't know! No, I-it's old magic . . . God-level magic! Or Lucifer level, but you can't ask him, exactly, can you?"

"What about the tablets?" Castiel asked sharply.

"No, Th-there's . . . there's nothing in them about the Mark."

"So when you said 'The river ends at the source,' that was-…"

"I was just making up crap, trying to buy time till I could screw you over," said Metatron.

"No," said Sam, horrified.

"Fuck you," said Ember.

"What?!" Metatron said. "It worked before."

"He's telling the truth," said Castiel. "Shoot him."

Sam aimed the gun at Metatron's head. "No, no!" Metatron screamed at Castiel. "No! Your Grace! I wasn't lying about that. There's still some left. I'll take you to it."

Sam and Ember both looked at Castiel. "It's your call, Cas," said Sam.

"I'll go with him," Castiel said, stepping to the side so Metaron, who was tied up, couldn't hear him. "You two stay here and try to help Dean." He was already dying. He wouldn't be allowed in Heaven again, after this. Metatron had no grace and a bum leg. What was there to be gained in refusing?

 **April 15**

As an angel, Castiel didn't feel things the way that humans did. The feelings of everyday life as a human were muted. Eating, sleeping, digestion, and other bodily functions were not necessary, and he had lived too long and was too powerful for the minor things to matter. He felt his dedication to whatever mission he happened to be on at the time, his love (and longing) for Ember, and his guilt for his past transgressions… but that was usually it.

Over the past two weeks, however, he had begun to feel the very human feeling of annoyance quite strongly. Metatron was reveling in his new human life – the taste of waffles, the nuances of emotions, even the process of digestion. Castiel knew Metatron was dragging out the process of leading him to his grace as much as possible, and his tolerance was waning quickly.

The worst part was Metatron's occasional asides about Ember. Castiel thought he would've been able to handle the newly-human angel, if it were not for these. "So, is sex different as an angel than it is as a human?" Metatron had asked one day. That had been the first time Castiel had kicked him in his injured leg.

"Owowow! Okay, jeez, I just wanted to know for educational purposes!"

Finally, after Castiel's threats and coercions became even more severe, Metatron led him to a library. Castiel could _feel_ his grace – Metatron _hadn't_ used it all! Even here, however, Metatron showed his true craftiness. He had hidden the demon tablet in the same library as Castiel's grace. He waited until the first moment in two weeks that Castiel wasn't watching him closely, then used an angel sigil to weaken Castiel.

Castiel still found his grace – mercifully, at the last possible moment – but Metatron ultimately made off with the demon tablet.

He had thought that having his grace back would be odd, after not having it for over a year. It fit like a glove, however, and he felt whole again somehow. Truly, it was the best he'd felt since he had lost Ember, as though at least one of the pieces missing from him had been put back into place.

He was weak, though. He no longer was limited by a failing grace, and was once again restored to Seraphim level, but he was weak. The grace Metatron had kept was but a tiny amount of his true power, and it would take days to replentish. There was no point going after Metatron now.

Guilty, but full of hope, he once again returned to the bunker. His mind was whirling with thoughts and emotions, more than was usual – relief at being finally free of Metatron, guilt that he had escaped, sadness at the fact that he was even further estranged from Heaven. He was not prepared for Ember to answer the door.

"Cas!" she exclaimed. You… you got your grace back!" And she hugged him.

Time stopped. She filled his nose, and his new grace, and his entire being. "You noticed that quickly?" he stuttered out, looking down at her. It occurred to him, then (though not for the first time) that one of the main reasons he had broken up with her – his impending death – was no longer a factor. He looked into her eyes, and he suddenly knew, without a doubt, that this was also on her mind. Images flew through his mind of the time they had spent together. He could have her again, perhaps, someday, when Dean was –

 _Dean_. Castiel worked quickly to school his features back into the appropriate "Angel of the Lord" blankness. He had let his mask slip…

Ember blushed, backing up immediately. "I just meant… You're not… we don't have to be scared, anymore."

Castiel gave her a cursory nod, and went inside to converse with the brothers.

The moment had passed.

Castiel explained what had happened with Metatron. Sam, Dean, and Ember had found something, too. With the help of Charlie Bradbury, a nerdy, computer-hacking friend of both Ember's and Dean's, the group had stumbled on the Book of the Damned. The book had a spell which would get rid of the Mark of Cain for good. Unfortunately, the group had discovered that the book was highly evil, and that the spell to get rid of the Mark would come at a very evil price. Ultimately, Sam had burned the book.

"You did the right thing," Castiel said. "That book needed to be destroyed. We will find another way, Sam."

It was a good evening, overall. Castiel had never met Charlie before, but liked her immediately. He used what little power he had to heal her carpal tunnel and a bullet wound she had obtained while searching for the Book of the Damned. The five of them spent the evening eating pizza and joking around. Castiel had missed this.


	35. S10 Part 3, A Kiss to Forget

**Author's Note: I don't own Supernatural.**

 **Please review!**

 **June 10**

 **TWO MONTHS LATER**

There was still no solution for the Mark of Cain. Castiel had spent the past few months working on and off with the Winchesters, to no avail. While the Winchesters concentrated mostly on looking at the lore available to them in the Men of Letters bunker and elsewhere, Castiel sought out more obscure lore. During Metatron's brief rule of Heaven, he had gone about collecting bits and pieces of Heaven's library which had been lost during the Apocalypse and Castiel's civil war with Raphael. Castiel attempted to trade or make deals with some of the angels still on Earth (usually cupids) for temporary access to these books, with mild success. Still other books from Heaven's library were scattered on Earth or in the possession of demons, and Castiel attempted to track these down as well. As he was the only one of the group comprised of himself, Ember, and the Wincheseters that was able to read Enochian, Castiel felt that this was the best use of his time; unfortunately, he ultimately came up as empty-handed as the rest of the group.

Castiel also dedicated a significant amount of time to looking for Metatron, but he was hidden. Castiel suspected that Metatron must have followed his footsteps and gotten himself tattooed or otherwise warded against the eyes of angels.

Finally, on June 6, Castiel received a call from Sam. "Hey, Cas! Look, Jody called us yesterday to tell us Claire ran off. She's a day out still, and we're closer. We tracked down Claire, and she's got a lead on her Mom. You know, Jimmy's ex-wife, Amelia? Anyway, we figured you'd want in."

He did want in.

It was Castiel, rather than Sam, who found Amelia. She had been fed upon by… something… for several years now. When she finally woke up, she was half out of her mind. She thought he was her husband, but she also seemed to know, on some level, that he wasn't. He understood, now, how much damage he had done to this family. He couldn't take it back – he _wouldn't_ take it back, because it had been necessary. Still, he would do what he could.

Her wounds would not heal, however. They were caused by magic, and even his significant powers as a seraph did little to make the woman better. "Sorry," he told her. "I'm usually able to heal any wound. You..."

"I was dreaming," she interrupted tearfully. "This whole time, I was dreaming... of finding Jimmy, of putting my family back together. You're not him anymore. I can tell."

"No," Castiel admitted.

"Where's Jimmy?" she asked fretfully.

"Your husband is in Heaven. Amelia, I promised to protect your family, and I failed," he admitted.

"Not if Claire's alive. She's all that matters," said Amelia.

"Claire is alive. She's grown up to be a very strong-willed young woman," Castiel said truthfully.

"Oh, that's my girl," said Amelia, crying weakly. "I just ... I shouldn't have ever left her. I-I thought if I could find Jimmy, I would make everything right. But I should've never left her. I shouldn't ... I shouldn't..."

Amelia began to cry into Castiel's lapels. He held her, thinking that by now he was used to crying women.

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

Amelia had died. In the end, it was the death that Castiel would have preferred for the woman. She had jumped in front of Claire while facing down a Grigori, and impaled herself on an angel sword.

A Grigori… Castiel couldn't believe it. He had thought they were extinct, that God had exterminated them after they went bad and began to prey on humans.

"She's in Heaven, with your father," Castiel told Claire. "I visited him. Did you know that?"

Claire looked up at Castiel, her face shining with tears. "You – you did?"

"Yes," said Castiel. "He's waiting for your mother. He's worried about her. He'll be happy to see her."

Claire took a minute to digest this information, then said, "Oh. So… they're happy, then?"

"Yes," Castiel said. "They're very happy, now. Claire… it's where she belongs. Her wounds, from the Grigori…" He shook his head. "It would've been slow, and painful, but I couldn't save her."

"Oh," Claire said again, her eyes shining afresh with tears.

"I'm sorry," said Castiel again. "I'm sorry for everything."

Jody was there, and she hugged Claire. Castiel nodded at the older woman and set off toward the Impala where the Winchesters were waiting for him to say good-bye. Then, just when a normal human being would have passed out of earshot, he heard Claire say, "Thank you, Castiel."

 **June 25**

The change that the Mark of Cain had wrought on Dean's body and soul was now visible, at least to an angel. He was stronger, faster, and meaner. His soul was twisting, demon-like, an undulating mass constricting an otherwise still somehow mostly pure light.

"Have you found anything?" Sam asked Castiel on the phone one evening. "About the Mark?"

Castiel sighed. He had managed to unearth a long tome about demons written in Enochian by Michael, which turned out to be absolutely useless. There were several mentions of Cain, and even the Mark of Cain, but nothing on either the origins of the Mark or removing it. "You'd know if I had, Sam."

Sam was silent for a second. "I found… something."

"What?" Castiel said in surprise.

"Well… Cas, look. You'd do anything to save Dean, right?"

"Well… _nearly_ anything, yes," Castiel answered. He didn't like where this conversation was going.

"Look… I didn't _exactly_ burn the Book of the Damned."

" _What?"_ Castiel asked him.

"Just hear me out," said Sam.

"I'm listening," said Castiel stoically.

"We know the book has a spell that will get rid of the Mark. It's a long shot, honestly. I've got the witch Rowena -…"

"A witch?" asked Castiel, rolling his eyes.

"She's chained up," answered Sam.

"Yeah," said Castiel doubtfully. "Okay."

"Look, Rowena knows the languages. All she has to do is decode the Book, and then we can get rid of the Mark."

" _Listen to me, Hannah. You don't want this. I've made deals born of desperation, and they always end in blood and tears – always."_ The words came, unbidden, to Castiel's mind. "I don't like, this, Sam," he said.

"Look, Cas, worst case scenario, we'll find out what the price is to get rid of the Mark, and it'll be a price we won't be willing to pay. But otherwise… Dean is still counting on us to take him out if he can't control the Mark. And he _can't_ control the Mark, you must see that."

"Yes, I see it," said Castiel darkly. He sat for awhile, thinking. Finally, he said, "Fine. I'm in. At least until we find out about the price."

"Great," said Sam. "Meet me tomorrow afternoon." Sam gave the address, and then hung up the phone.

 **June 26**

The address that Sam had given turned out to be an abandoned warehouse. Castiel immediately spotted Charlie, working at a small laptop. "Cas," she said brightly, "Are you in on this, too?"

"Hell's bells!" said a red-head that Castiel decided must be Rowena. She was chained to a pole in the middle of the room, and she spoke in a thick Scottish accent. "More distractions? What are you? Witch or nerd?"

"Angel," said Castiel in annoyance.

"Beg pardon?"

"Castiel has, uh, powers . . . spiritual muscle that'll help safeguard the work," Sam broke in.

"Safeguard it from what?" asked the witch.

"You," answered Sam. "I can't be here full time to referee."

"Whoa, whoa. And I can?" asked Castiel, caught off guard. He felt taken advantage of. He had other things to do, after all, like continue to look for Metatron… although that was almost certainly a dead end at this point.

"Yes. Please," said Sam. "Please do this for me."

Castiel sighed. "Well, what are the rules? If I'm gonna referee, I should at least know them." He thought of the soccer games that he had attended on two occasions when Ember's son Aidan had been on a soccer team.

"Quite literal, aren't you?" asked Rowena. "Does he know that the first rule is don't tell your brother what we're doing?"

Castiel should have expected this. "Wait . . . Dean doesn't know? Sam, this never ends well."

"That's exactly what I said!" exclaimed Charlie.

"Okay, everyone take a breath," said Sam. "Look, we're up against it, okay? And we've all been up against it before, and we know there are times when every choice sucks. Now, us lying to Dean is the choice that sucks the least. We have to make this work. Please."

Charlie sighed. "Okay, yeah. For Dean," she said finally.

"Cas?" Sam asked.

"Okay," he said reluctantly. "For Dean."

 **July 13**

 **ONE MONTH LATER**

Apparently, the Codex that Rowena was using to break the code on the Book of the Damned was also, in fact, coded, which is why Charlie had been brought in. A month later, however, Rowena and Charlie still hadn't cracked the code, which Castiel privately thought might be because they were spending so much time arguing. The angel was spending most of his time with the two of them, but it was beginning to wear on him. As it turned out, Rowena was Crowley's mother. Castiel couldn't honestly decide which was worse, Crowley, or his mother.

Finally, at the beginning of July, Sam brought Ember in on the plan as well. For a week, things were calmer. Ember was able to take Charlie on brief sojourns away from the warehouse so that she could get a break from Rowena, while Castiel guarded the increasingly angry witch.

This was a welcome relief. The Styne family, the books' evil previous owners,were closing in on Charlie and the Book, and the nerdy hacker was forced to spend more and more time at the warehouse where she was guarded.

Then, on July 13th, disaster struck.

 **Sam Winchester Phone:** Heads up. Styne on loose. Chopped arm off, escaped from bunker. Dean knows.

Only a few minutes later, Ember called. Castiel still avoided her phone calls quite often, though he had been more diligent about answering over the past week so that they could coordinate watch duty. He had heared her prayer even before the phone rang, however: " _Castiel, help…"_

"Cas, Charlie's been stabbed," she said when he picked up the phone. "I've got her with me, but you've got to heal her, and I don't know how long she's got. I'm a good hour away from you, I think. Meet me at Shep's Lodge, okay?"

Castiel headed straight there. To his relief, he was able to heal her, and he put her to sleep in the passenger seat of Ember's Cruze.

It was pouring down rain in the parking lot of Shep's, but no one seemed to care. The Winchester brothers had arrived shortly after Castiel, and they were staring at each other murderously. Apparently, they had kidnapped one of the Styne brothers, who had told Dean that the book couldn't be burned. Dean was furious, though he appeared more angry at Sam than anyone else. "You could've gotten her killed!" he was screaming at Sam. "You don't get to apologize. I'm sick and tired of Ember needing to clean up all of our damn messes!"

"Ex _cuse_ me?" Ember yelled.

"We were trying to help you," said Sam.

"I didn't need help," said Dean. "I told you to leave it alone."

"What was I supposed to do, just – watch you die?" asked Sam.

"The Mark isn't gonna kill me," said Dean.

"Maybe not, but – when it's done with you, you won't be you anymore. Dean, you're all I've got. So of course, I was gonna fight for you because that's what we do."

"Not anymore," Dean said. "This thing, with Cas, and Ember, and the book, ends now. Shut it down before somebody else gets hurt. You understand me?"

"No," said Sam and Ember at once.

Dean stared at them, and it looked like he was warring within himself. Castiel saw, with horror, Dean's hands move toward where he knew he kept his demon knife. Then he stopped, turned, and headed back toward his Impala.

"Where are you going?" asked Ember.

"I'm gonna find the Stynes," Dean said over his shoulder. "And I'm gonna rip apart everything and everyone that they ever loved. And then I'm gonna tear out their hearts." And then Dean peeled out of the parking lot.

The group was silent for a moment. "Well, what now?" asked Castiel finally.

"Charlie thinks she cracked the code," Ember said.

The group stared at her, and Castiel felt a surge of hope. "What? Really?"

"Yeah," Ember said. "She told me, right before she was stabbed. She said she was emailing it to you."

Sam got out his phone and checked it. "Yeah, there's something from her here," he said excitedly. He put his phone back in his pocket, and looked at Charlie, who was still sleeping in the front seat of Ember's car. "You'd better head back to the bunker with her," Sam said. "It's safest for her there, until we know what's going on with the Stynes. I'll head back to Rowena, and see about the code."

"What about Dean?" Ember asked.

"We uh... we should be able to track him," said Sam. "I lowjacked the Impala a few weeks back just in case. Cas, would you be willing?"

"Yes," Castiel said. "I'll head there now."

 **July 14**

The Stynes' home was a massacre. Not that this was necessarily a bad thing, exactly. Unlike the loan shark some weeks before, the Stynes, previously known as the Frankensteins, were a family that needed to be terminated.

It was the _way_ the Stynes were massacred that struck Castiel as horrifying, however. There was blood everywhere. The Styne's had been butchered , and there had been much more violence than necessary.

Castiel called Sam first, and then Ember. Both of them asked if Castiel wanted them to join him, but he declined. "I wouldn't bother," he told them. "His GPS says he's heading north. He's coming home."

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

Castiel knew something was wrong as soon as he got to the bunker. The door had been thrown off the hinges, and nothing was in its proper place. He ran as fast as he could to the main room, though with his angel hearing he could already hear the showdown that was occurring.

"There's bad in you," Dean's voice was saying. "It's in your blood. Now you can deny it and you can run from it all you want, but that bad... will always win."

"Dean, that's not how it _works!_ " said Ember's voice, and Castiel ran faster,

"I'll do anything you want," said a third voice. "Okay, please. You don't need to do this. Please."

Castiel ran into the room just as Dean hesitated and put down a gun. Then, in one fluid motion, he shot a young teenage boy squarely in the forehead. "Yeah," he said. I do."

Castiel understood. Ember had been prepared to protect the boy, and she could control bullets with her powers. Dean had faked putting down the gun so that Ember would let her guard down. The boy was dead on the floor, and Dean had no mercy.

"Dean!" he yelled. "What have you done? You killed him."

"I took down a monster.," Dean said. "Because that's what I do. And I'll continue to do that until.."

"Until you become the monster," said Castiel, looking at Ember. She was still standing as if in shock, looking at the dead teenager on the floor.

"You can leave now, Cas," snapped Dean.

"No. I can't, because I'm your friend."

"Really?" Dean asked. "Well let me ask you something. Do you screw over all your friends?"

"We were trying to cure you! We still are!" shouted Castiel.

"Like hell," said Dean.

"We can read the Book now," offered Castiel.

"Oh so what? So you _might_ find a spell that _might_ take this crap off my arm? But even if you do, what's it gonna cost? ' 'Cause magic like that does not come free. No, it comes with a price that you pay in blood. So thanks, but I'm good."

"Dean, at least give it a chance!" Ember burst out, finally recovering from her shock. "We're trying to-…"

" _We_?" said Dean. _"We?_ Here's a thought. Why don't both of you go live happily ever after together and leave me the hell alone! You never would've broken up if Castiel hadn't been _dying_ , and he isn't now. So go _away."_

A silence fell over the room. Castiel looked at Ember for her reaction. She looked back at him a second later, her eyes burning with pain, as though she'd been slapped. Castiel looked away. Dean smirked, knowing that he'd struck a nerve with everyone.

"That's not fair Dean," Castiel said finally. "I know it's just the Mark talking right now. It's changing you." Ember nodded.

"You're wrong," said Dean.

"Am I?" challenged Castiel. "Because the Dean Winchester I know would never have murdered that kid."

"Yeah well, that Dean's always been kind of a dick," Dean said flippantly. He made to leave, but Ember and Castiel both stopped him.

"Get out of my way," said Dean.

"Dean, it's not safe for you to leave right now," said Castiel. "You're not in your right mind. I don't wanna have to hurt you."

"I don't think that's gonna be a problem," said Dean. And he picked Castiel up by his lapels and began punching him.

Castiel had known he was strong, but the strength of Cain surprised even him. It had progressed too far… Dean was gone now, leaving only the crazed look of a murderer and the Mark shining on his arm.

"No!" screamed Ember. She joined the fray, but Dean was strong, too strong. Castiel could feel blood running down his face. _Perhaps Dean would kill him._ He heard Ember scream, and he yelled her name.

Then he saw Ember fly through the air, and she hit the wall, crumpling to the floor in a heap. Then Castiel realized that the blows had stopped, and the pressure on top of him had lifted suddenly. He didn't wait to see where Dean had gone, but ran over to Ember.

Dean had beaten him to her, however. He was standing over her, an angry, indecipherable look on his face. The eyes of his friend were crazed, wide, and scared. Then Dean bolted.

Castiel sagged to the floor at Ember's side. She wasn't terribly hurt – a small concussion, perhaps, from where she had hit the wall, and a few bruises. A cracked rib.

His plan had failed, just like everything else he had attempted lately. He had tried so hard to save his friend, even giving up the love of his life so that she could assist Dean in fighting the Mark's affects. But now Ember was beaten on the floor, and Dean was in the wind. He was angry, and his blood boiled with the knowledge that he had failed again, and once more caused Ember pain.

Castiel was weak from the fight with Dean, but he still had enough power to heal first Ember and then himself. Ember opened her eyes slightly. "Ember, are you okay?" Castiel asked.

"No!" she exclaimed, her eyes snapping open the rest of the way. "What the absolute fuck!" She looked around. "Where's Dean?"

"Gone," Castiel said seriously.

"What happened?" Ember asked.

"Dean sent you flying," Castiel said angrily. "And then he ran back over to you, and I thought he was going to hit you again. But then he ran away."

And then, with sudden finality, Ember said. "My ring's gone."

"Your – what?" he asked, confused.

"My _engagement ring_ ," she said fiercely. "He _took it back_.."

"Oh," said Castiel, unsure how to respond.

With that, Ember burst into tears.

 _Damn it._ He hated it when she cried. It was the worst thing he had ever experienced, he thought. He had only seen her cry a few times – when she had prayed to him after she killed her client, when she and Dean had broken up, when _they_ had broken up. Each time, it was like an arrow piercing his heart. Without thinking about it, he pulled her into his arms and hugged her.

Suddenly his attraction to her was so strong it was overwhelming. There was her supernatural powers of attraction, of course, but it was amplified by the familiarity of hugging someone you haven't hugged in a very long time, but used to know very intimately. She smelled divine, and with her smell Castiel was flooded with memories of their time together.

And then she was looking up at him, her eyes round and full of tears, but also full of… longing? Was she feeling the same way as him? Surely not. Surely she had gotten over him…

She didn't let go, and he didn't let go either. Her face moved infinitesimally closer, and so did his, as if they could no longer control it. _Was this really about to happen?_

Then they were kissing, and it had been _so_ long, and Castiel was no longer sure where he ended and Ember began. All he could feel was Ember, and she was everything, and _why_ had it been _so long_ -

 _Dean._ With horror, Castiel wrenched himself away from her. She moved back as well, stumbling backward in her hurry to get away from him. "I'm so sorry, I just-…"

"No, no, it's my fault, it's just-…"

"'Been a long night, I wasn't thinking straight-…"

"No, it was me, I shouldn't have taken advantage," Castiel insisted.

"You _didn't,"_ Ember said, leveling him with a challenging glare. "And there were two of us kissing."

Castiel flinched back, understanding what she was implying. "There shouldn't have been," he said. "It was a mistake." And he left the bunker before he could say or do anything else, wincing at the sound as the large metal door shut behind him.

 **July 30**

 **TWO WEEKS LATER**

The kiss never should have happened. Castiel didn't deserve Ember, and it would never work anyway – he was an angel, after all. She belonged with Dean – a whole, healthy Dean, not marred by the Mark of Cain. She had been caught up in the moment – that's all it had been.

"She loves you," argued Charlie one day while she worked with Rowena to use the Codex on the book. "She's loved you since you two were together. She only ever went back to Dean because they were demons together, and you were nowhere to be found when she needed you most. And he was there, and they comforted each other. But she's _always_ loved you."

"She belongs with him," Castiel answered. "He was with her fi-…" Castiel shook his head, flustered. "It could never work." He turned away from the two women with an heir of finality that was not to be questioned.

"Not that I care, sweetie," said Rowena, her voice lilting upwards conspiratorially, "but I never knew angels were such numnuts."

 **August 20**

 **THREE WEEKS LATER**

Castiel was miserable. Ember had prayed to him and called him on several occasions immediately after the kiss, but Castiel didn't want to discuss it. There was no future for the two of them. Dean was more important. Besides, what would Dean do if Ember and Castiel renewed their relationship? His anger the first time around had lasted months, but at least at that point he hadn't had the Mark of Cain. No, being with Ember now would be a death sentence for both himself and (more importantly) Ember. Castiel couldn't be sure of a quick death, either.

Dean was in the wind, however, and had gone to great lengths to hide himself from Sam, Ember, and Castiel himself.

In the wake of all other options, only one remained: The Book of the Damned. Castiel did, of course, think of the possible consequences of curing the Mark using the Book of the Damned. His own advice kept coming back to him: " _Listen to me, Hannah. You don't want this. I've made deals born of desperation, and they always end in blood and tears – always."_

Still, as Sam repeatedly pointed out, "No one – not you, not Dean – not anybody can tell me what those consequences are!" More importantly, Castiel failed to see another way to solve the problem. His best plan for holding off the effects of the Mark – Ember – had not worked. He didn't want to kill his friend – he was no longer even sure that he could. Most of all, he wanted to protect Ember from whatever Dean had in mind for her now that the Mark was affecting his thinking. Therefore, he assisted Sam in his plans for the Book of the Damned with renewed energy.

On August 20th, Sam and Ember both left to chase a lead on Dean, leaving Castiel in charge. And so, when Crowley returned with the ingredients, Castiel allowed Rowena to perform the spell. The ingredients were complex – the forbidden fruit, a piece of the golden calf, and the murder of something Rowena loved. Still, Crowley arrived with all of the ingredients.

As Rowena added Dean's hair to the bowl with the other ingredients, a bluish smoke began to rise and a bright light illuminated Rowena's face. Suddenly, a blast wave erupted from the bowl, knocking over everyone in the room – Rowena, Crowley, and Castiel himself. A bolt of red lightning blasted from the bowl, causing a hole in the roof.

Then, as Castiel watched with horror, Rowena shook off the chains that Sam had fastened over a month before. "Manete!" she yelled.

Castiel was paralyzed.

"What is this?" he heard Crowley yelling. "This is impossible. You're not powerful enough."

"To what?" asked the witch. "Control the legs of a bored king and a withered angel?"

She turned to Castiel. "Impetus bestiarum."

A beast spell – he recognized the spell even before he felt it. He could feel it in every bone of his body… the urge to rip, to tear, to kill…


	36. S11 Part 1, The Beast Within

**Author's Note: Everyone loves a sexually frustrated Cas.**

 **I don't own Supernatural.**

 **August 21**

He had almost killed Crowley. He had tried to kill Crowley, but the red smoke that was Crowley's essence had escaped the meatsuit just in time. Then there was a farm house, with some local civilians…

He had run away from them before he could hurt them, and they hadn't come after him. Perhaps they thought he was high. His eyes felt red and irritated.

He had been wandering all day, from place to place. He wanted to rip, to kill, to shred… he would be dead already if he were human, long dead, but the spell continued. He didn't have long. He would kill, soon. He couldn't fight the beast spell forever…

"Brothers, sisters . . . I know I have no right, I have no standing to ask you anything," he said finally, crouching in a kneel. "But these are desperate times, so ask I must. I confess my transgressions, and I will accept whatever punishment you dole out. Now, I . . . I ask you to help me. Please. Save me from doing worse."

Then Castiel called the Winchesters.

"Where the hell are you, Cas?" asked Dean upon picking up the phone.

"I'm...I'm okay," said Castiel breathlessly. _Rip. Tear. Kill._

"You don't sound okay."

"Dean, I am fine. Besides, what I have, you can't help me," he said.

"What do you mean, what you have?" Dean asked.

"Just please tell Sam - Rowena escaped with the Book of the Damned and the codex," said Castiel.

"Okay, forget Rowena," snapped Dean. "Where are you?"

"Now, you tell me - the Mark . . ." Castiel said breathlessly.

"Oh, really?" Dean snapped again. "You're worried about me after everything that I've –"

"Dean, is it gone?" Castiel interrupted.

"Yes. I'm good," said Dean. "I mean, I'm not _great_ …"

"Makes two of us," said Castiel. At least, if nothing else, the Mark was gone… "This is good news."

"Hey, Cas," said Sam into the phone.

"Sam," Castiel acknowledged. They must be on speakerphone.

"Okay, your turn. Talk to us about the Darkness," said Dean.

"Why would I talk about the Darkness?" asked Castiel, confused.

"Because it's free."

"No, that can't be," said Castiel with horror. Of course – the price for removing the Mark of Cain. That was it, then.

" _You don't want this. I've made deals born of desperation, and they always end in blood and tears – always."_

"Removing the Mark opened some kind of lock," Sam was saying. "Dean saw her."

"The Darkness is a woman?" Castiel asked, puzzled.

"Well, that's what we're asking you," said Dean. "We were hoping you could tell us what kind of defcon screwed we are."

There was someone in the woods behind him.

"Cas?" Dean asked.

The angels were here… he could sense them. "Sam, Dean . . . Goodbye. It may be some time before we see one another again."

"Wait, Cas. Cas!" Dean said, but Castiel hung up the phone.

"Brothers," he said, acknowledging the angels behind him.

 **August 22**

He knew there had been a chance that he would be found first by angels with whom he was not friendly. He would not have prayed if he had not been desperate. The bestiarum spell was forcing him to kill, and, he suspected, making him stronger. At least, hopefully, if the angels who found him wouldn't help him, they would kill him before he could kill others.

Unfortunately, the angels who found him were not friendly, and, worse, were also not smart. Jonah and Efram were not very powerful, and had once been on Metatron's side of the war until Metatron had shown his true colors. He didn't know much about them, but he was unsurprised when they began to torture him.

It wasn't half as bad as the torture he had received when he had betrayed Heaven. It wasn't even as bad as the two times he had been tortured when he was human, first by April and then by Malachi. It was still torture, and it was still painful, and horrible, of course. To be honest, though, the scariest part of the experience was the realization that the bestiarum spell was making him stronger. When he was strong enough to break his chains, he would no longer be able to control himself; he would kill his brothers.

"You don't understand," he protested. "I'm cursed. You should run."

But they ignored him.

Finally, just as they were threatening to cut off one of his appendages, Hannah burst through the door, wearing a male vessel with dark eyes. "That's enough!" she shouted.

"Hannah!" Castiel had cried in relief.

"What are you doing?" Hannah asked the two angels torturing Castiel. She held herself tall, and Castiel noted that her eyes were less kind than when he had seen her last. She was a leader, now, for sure.

"Getting answers," said Efram severely.

"No," Hannah said. "This isn't how we do things. Get out."

The other two angels paused. "Out!" Hannah yelled again, and they scattered.

"Thank you," said Castiel.

"Don't thank me yet," said Hannah, her eyes looking worried. "Something's happened, Castiel - something horrible."

Hannah began to uncuff Castiel, but he stopped her. "No. This is safer," he said, and she brought a stool over for him to sit in instead.

"I wasn't lying about Metatron," he told her once he was sitting down. He was so tired, and yet the bestiarum spell still wanted blood… _Kill… So easy…_

"I know," Hannah said. "But right now, I'm more worried about you."

"Can you heal me?" he asked her.

Hannah put her hands on Castiel's head, the forehead of her vessel wrinkling with concentration. "I can't," Hannah admitted finally. "I'm sorry. This - it's . . . powerful magic."

Castiel had suspected as much. "I feel the spell just cutting deeper and deeper, and I'm trying to fight it. I'm trying, but –"

"Does it have anything to do with the disturbance in Superior, Nebraska?" Hannah asked.

"You know about that?" Castiel asked in defeat. They knew what the Winchesters – what _he_ had done, then.

"Alarms have been sounding in Heaven, Castiel - alarms that haven't gone off in . . . ever," said Hannah. "We don't even know what they mean."

"Those alarms are for the Darkness," Castiel said wearily.

"The Darkness is a story," Hannah answered.

"No, it's not," Castiel replied. "It's real. The Darkness . . . It's been locked away since the dawn of creation. And now it's free."

"God help us," said Hannah, and he could see in her eyes the recognition of their situation.

"I wouldn't count on that," said Castiel sarcastically.

"Where is it?" asked Hannah.

"I don't know."

"Then who would?" asked Hannah, and Castiel could sense authority in her voice now. She was used to getting answers. "The Winchesters? Castiel, if this is true, it's the end for all of us. Sam and Dean - where are they?"

"I don't know," Castiel said with suspicion. Something was wrong…

"Then think harder!" Hannah screamed.

And Castiel understood. "How did you find me?" he asked Hannah with suspicion.

"I saved you," Hannah said defensively. She was avoiding the question.

"No," Castiel said. "I don't think you did. I think that you told Efram and Jonah to bring me here and to hurt me, and so you arranged to - to burst in and save me." Betrayal spurred on the beast inside him, and he could feel himself getting angry. "You were hoping that I would be so grateful that I would do anything you said, that I would tell you anything that you wanted to know."

Hannah looked at him guiltily, and the betrayal was complete.

"Why, Hannah?" he asked in anguish. "We were friends."

"That was before you freed Metatron," Hannah said. "Before . . ." she paused sadly. "The other angels, they hate you."

"And what about you?" Castiel asked. "Do you hate me?"

"It doesn't matter," said Efram then, returning to the room with Jonah. "We took a vote - democracy in action - and . . . Hannah's doing the job."

"I won't give you Sam and Dean," Castiel said, angered.

"Sure you will," said Efram.

"We're gonna hack your brain," said Jonah.

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

This sort of torture he remembered from Naomi. It was a primitive device, filled with pins which were slowly inserted into the head of an angel. It wasn't torture, not really… it was worse. It was light years worse. He could hear himself screaming, but all he could see were memories. The memories were mixed up. _Killing a thousand Dean Winchesters, and Naomi's smiling face…_ _Black goo pouring from his mouth, eyes, and ears…_

"Enough!" shouted Hannah from somewhere far away, but the pain didn't stop.

 _Uriel punching him._ " _You haven't even met the man. There is no will. No wrath! No God."_

 _Watching the angels fall from the sky. Ember, kissing Dean…_

 ****He felt the bestiarum spell rise up in him, and he lost control. He was strong, now, too strong, and he felt the pins slide out from his head. There was a fight going on…

Efram was kicking Hannah! _Rip, tear, kill-_

Castiel was free, and his angel sword sliced straight through Jonah.

"Castiel," said Hannah softly behind him.

Castiel turned – but Efram was just behind Hannah with an angel blade!

"NOOO!" Castiel screamed, but it was too late. White grace poured out of Hannah's vessel, and Castiel ran toward the both of them, pinning Efram against a pole with Hannah falling limp between them.

Efram never had a chance – Castiel was the strongest angel currently in existence. Even beaten and tortured, and even without the beast spell, he was a better fighter and a seraph. And then three angels were dead on the floor, and Castiel felt only pain and numbness and misery yet again.

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

Castiel had gone to the one safe place he knew – the bunker.

He didn't remember falling asleep, but when he awakened, he was surrounded by the pleasant smell of oranges. And –

 _Seriously? Now?_

"Help me," he said, and he was surprised how weak he sounded.

"Rowena's beast spell?" Ember asked him.

He nodded. He could barely hold it back…

"Chain me up," he said. "I'm – I'm trying to fight it, but I don't know how long I can fight it for."

Ember nodded. "But not in the dungeon, okay? I'll get some angel chains and bring them out here."

Castiel waited for five agonizing minutes, during which her smell lingered and the beast made itself known. When Ember emerged with chains from the dungeon, Castiel screamed, "Don't – don't come any closer!"

She stopped short, looking at him questionably. "The – the beast spell is just getting – um, your smell agitates it," Castiel admitted, lowering his voice to almost a whisper and reddening.

Ember blushed, but dared another step closer, looking concerned.

Castiel froze. He'd forgotten how damn stubborn she was sometimes. "Just – just send the chains over here, and I'll put them on most of myself, and you can do the rest," he commanded.

Finally, when he was good and chained, she sat down in front of him.

"You should leave," he told her.

"Why?" she said, challenging him again.

He decided not to dignify that with a response. She smelled _so_ good, and the beast spell wasn't helping. His senses were mixing together. He couldn't tell if he wanted to grab her and screw her into oblivion, or tear her to shreds. Grab her, tear her clothing to shreds, and then screw her into oblivion sounded like it was probably the best option. He was amazed, for a second, at his thought process. He hadn't thought like that since…

Who was he kidding? A small part of him had thought like that since they had dated, a part which was made stronger by the beast spell.

She looked like she was considering something. Finally, she said, "Are we ever going to talk about it?"

"Talk about what?" Half of him wanted to screw her and/or tear her to shreds, and the other half wanted her to get the hell away… and she wanted to _talk?!_

"The kiss!"

Kissing sounded really good right now… _No!_ "What's there to talk about?" he questioned gruffly. "It was a mistake. It never should've happened, and it was no big deal. You're with Dean. I'm an angel. End of story."

"Fine," she said, her face becoming unreadable. "If that's the way you feel about it." She seemed to be probing for something, but in his addled state he couldn't figure out what it was. Finally, she said, "If it wasn't a big deal, you'd think you would be… I don't know… _civil._. You haven't even _looked_ at me since it happened."

He felt like he had said something wrong, but he wasn't sure what. She was with Dean. He basically wanted to attack her. Any discussions about kissing were probably bad. _Civil._ She wanted him to be _civil._ Right. "I'll try to be… civil," he said, looking up at her through a haze of desire.

This was a bad idea. The beast inhaled another smell, and he could feel his lower anatomy tightening and his teeth baring, all at the same time. He needed her to go away. He couldn't kick her out of the bunker – not when it was practically her home. He shouldn't have come here in the first place, but he'd been hoping to see Dean, not her. "This – this spell Rowena cast – it's probably going to kill me anyway."

"Yeah," she said, obviously annoyed. "You said that _last_ time." It was a mark of the fact that she could tell that he _was_ serious that she didn't stalk away and slam the door – Castiel could tell that, even in his addled state. Instead, she said, "I'm going to go try to research what to do. I'll let you know if I find something."

She stomped out of the room, and Castiel slumped once more against the chair he was chained to. Hopefully sleep would come again, but he doubted it.

 **August 26**

It was getting worse.

Ember returned to her home in Conway Springs the following morning, and stayed away from the bunker, for the most part. He thought he heard her voice from time to time, and smelled a whiff of her on Dean's clothing. He had a feeling she was teleporting directly into and out of the bowels of the bunker and circumventing the area he was chained. He appreciated this, because even her smell on Dean's clothing awakend the beast.

She wasn't avoiding him, however. Though her physical presence was markably absent, she would call him at least once a day. She usually prayed to him to call her at least 2 additional times. He appreciated her concern. _Civil_ , she had said.

He had a fever. He was constantly either cold or hot, and it was unnerving. On the 26th, the seizures started. He was sleeping more, and occasionally he would wake up, shaking, on the floor. It was only a matter of time, now.

 **August 29**

 _Kill. Tear. Kill._ There was only that. It was like being possessed, like when Naomi was controlling him.

His control had broken, and he had shed the chains. He had left in terms of… someone to kill. He had smelled her – Ember – oranges, and demon, and _wonderful_. He had staggered toward her, but then Dean had been standing there. His friend, Dean. He threw him into a fence, punched him once, twice, thrice -

 _No!_

But he couldn't stop. Four, five, six, and it was mechanical and ferocious –

" _Desiste!"_

He stopped, mid-movement, as though paused, and turned toward his master, the red-headed witch.

Sam had a gun to her head. "Do I need to remind you that these are witch-killing bullets?" he yelled at her. "Finish it!"

Castiel waited for her command. "Yes, yes, all right," she said casually. " _Adlevo onus tuum."_

It was pain, and he was seizing, choking –

And then he was free again, at long last.

 **November 11**

 **THREE MONTHS LATER**

Castiel tried to think of all of the times in the past he had had to heal from a serious injury in this vessel. There had been the time he had sent Dean and Sam back in time to face Anna, after which he had been unconscious for at least a day. There was the Apocalypse, when he was cut off from Heaven and banished four angels at once… that one had been particularly bad.

There was the six months he had spent healing from the Leviathans, while his memory was gone and Daphne had nursed him back to health. (He had visited Daphne since then. She had married a nice man named Coal, and they had two small children.) And, of course, there was the six months he had spent as a human after Metatron had stolen his grace.

Healing from the beast spell was worse than all of these experiences. Even after the beast spell was gone, he felt weak. He no longer had the urge to rip, tear, and kill everything in sight, but he was still feverish and slept often

For the first few days after the beast spell was gone, Castiel continued to experience seizures. It was a week before they finally relented, but his fever dreams continued.

Ember was always prominent in the fever dreams. Everything blurred together – memory, future, past.

" _Castiel, we're in Miami. You have to come into the ocean. Take off the damn trench coat! What did you expect to do here?"_

 _"I didn't realize we'd be adventuring this far out of the bedroom."_

 _"We did that all morning, Cas. Let's go for a swim!"_

That one was a memory, he knew for certain.

 _"Ember, this is Domiel. I've wanted for so long for you to meet her…"_

 _"You've spoken so much about Domiel, I'm honored to finally meet her."_

That one was a fever dream.

Domiel was dead, killed for refusing to toe the line on company policy.

Sam confessed that Castiel cried out in his sleep sometimes. Typically it was for Ember, but just as often it was for Domiel, Anna, or Dean.

Finally, after a week and a half he moved to one of his safe spots to finish his healing. Still, it was well into October before he was back at 100%. During this time he searched his lore for mentions of the Darkness, though he didn't really expect to find anything relevant. He also occasionally helped the Winchesters track down other bits of lore for different hunting trips.

Mostly, however, he watched Netflix. He had watched Netflix a little while he was with Ember, but he had never "binged," as the Winchesters referred to his tendency to watch multiple episodes in one sitting. Weeks at a time went by without Castiel leaving the television.

Then one day, Castiel was watching the news, and he saw him.

 **November 13**

Metatron had been a nebbishy angel, but he was downright pathetic as a human. It hadn't been hard to track him down. Castiel had gone to the news network he had been watching when he had seen Metatron's reflection behind the camera during graphic footage of a murder. The network had given him Metatron's address. Castiel had found the demon tablet under Metatron's mattress, which was disgusting and overrun with bedbugs.

Castiel remembered being human, and how much Ember had had to help him – everything from teaching him how to manage his budget and which pills were best for headaches, all the way to the companionship she had provided on at least a weekly basis. Metatron hadn't had that, which helped explain the lonely, pathetic life he seemed to be leading.

"What do you know about the Darkness?" Castiel demanded when he finally found Metatron. His old adversary had been attempting to film a mugging, but Castiel had healed the victim of the mugging and stomped on Metatron's camera.

"The truth – ha!" Metatron shouted. "It'd make the Bible thumper _heads explode._ I mean, they want their God to be a finger-snapping, all-powerful creator, you know... And they want magic... Mary Poppins."

Castiel looked at Metatron carefully, but threateningly.

"But what he did - creation... that took work," Metatron continued. "It took sacrifice. In order to create the world, God had to give up the only thing he'd ever known. He had to betray and sacrifice his only kin. The Darkness... His sister."

 **November 14**

"I'm gonna say it again," Dean said later in the bunker. "You let Metatron go!"

Castiel sighed. "He's not going anywhere. If he makes a move, if he draws the slightest attention, the full force of angelkind will snuff him out. Look, neither of you saw him. He is a human, and a pitiable one at that. He's not a threat to us. I-I mean, I put him in traction." It had been somewhat fulfilling, actually.

"Guys, bigger fish to fry here," Sam reminded them. "Amara is in the wind." Amara… that was the name the Darkness was going by these days, apparently.

"Yeah, God's freaking sister," said Ember.

It was going to be a long year.


	37. S11 Part 2, Possession by the Devil

**Author's Notes (There are several):**

 ***This chapter was difficult to write because it didn't seem like Cas got a lot of info about what was going on on the outside while Lucifer was possessing him. He seemed a bit clueless trapped in his own mind watching that stupid TV. I did the best I could, let me know what you think.**

 ***TRIGGER WARNING for round-about, not-graphic mentions of rape. It's not really something I focus on in the story, or even really this chapter, AT ALL, but including it is necessary for content and so I had to include the trigger warning.**

 ***Again, there's more information about the Demon Blood Bond from Ember's point of view and that of others in the sister story, Ember: Half-Demon, Half-Human (though it's no more or less graphic).**

 ***I do not own Supernatural, unfortunately, or I'd be making more money.**

 **Christmas**

Things had gone slowly.

It hadn't been the worst Christmas ever. That had been the Christmas he'd spent in Purgatory. Dean had reminded him that it was Christmas, and they'd celebrated it (if you could call it that) by killing an extra three vampires and two werewolves.

Castiel had never celebrated Christmas in what Sam, Dean, and Ember considered the "normal" way until he met them. He had celebrated when Christ was born, of course, but it hadn't been on December 25th. Castiel's first "Christmas" had been the year of the Apocalypse, and he had decided that there was something pleasant in the small traditions that Bobby Singer and the Winchesters continued year after year… something almost magical.

After that had been the two-year civil war with Raphael. The next time Castiel had celebrated Christmas had been with Daphne, when he had lost his memory. They had had a pleasant, if boring Christmas during which they had fed the homeless and talked about their mutually beneficial relationship. It had been a loveless marriage, but he protected her from her ex-boyfriend, and she protected him from the government who had been pestering him for citizenship papers. Since he had reclaimed his identity as Castiel, he had learned how to forge citizenship paperwork from Sam if he needed to. He had gone back and smited Daphne's ex-boyfriend, who was a demon anyway.

The year after that had been the worst Christmas ever, in Purgatory. Afterward, in 2013, he had returned to the pattern of spending Christmas with the Winchesters and Ember. He had recently once again become an angel, and being in a relationship with Ember had been almost wonderful enough to allow him to forget Dean's absence.

The previous year, 2014, Castiel had spent Christmas on his own in order to avoid Ember.

This year was a bit like the year of the Apocalypse, or the one after Purgatory. Christmas was fun, and festive, and spent with friends, but he never really liked seeing Ember and Dean together. There was something different, though: he could swear that Ember shot him several sideways glances when she thought Dean wasn't looking. She didn't put her hands on Dean as much as she always had in the past, either.

He wasn't sure what it meant. He liked it, but perhaps she was just being courteous because they used to date. He wished she wouldn't – he didn't need her pity, on top of everything else.

"Cas," Sam said to Castiel on Christmas night.

"Yes, Sam."

"Look, there's something I wanted to run by you," he said.

"Sam, tell me you're not talking to Cas about those visions of the cage you keep having," said Dean, striding up behind them.

Sam looked ashamed. "They're happening more and more frequently now," Sam said. "I just want to know what they mean."

"Doesn't matter," said Dean. "The answer is still no."

Castiel looked at Sam in question.

"I've prayed to God a few times since we let out the Darkness," Sam confessed. "And each time, I see the cage… each time I have a… a vision, I guess you would call it. And it's always the same."

"He thinks it means he needs to go to the cage for help," said Dean.

"Sam, no," said Castiel immediately.

"But didn't Lucifer help seal up the Darkness the first time?" asked Sam.

"Yes, but that was a very long time ago. Sam… there must be another way," Castiel insisted.

"That's what I told him!" said Dean.

"Hi, bitches!" said Charlie, coming up behind them suddenly. "Guess what I got you for Christmas?"

And the conversation was over.

 **January 18**

Castiel knew the angels were preparing for a mass smiting toward Amara; he could hear it on angel radio. She had been active, lately, targeting and killing churches and pastors – probably trying to get God's attention, he theorized. He couldn't participate because he was not welcome back in Heaven, which is where the smiting would originate from. Still, he drove as close as he safely could to the point of smiting, just in case he was needed.

He was glad he had done this. When the smiting was complete, he found Dean just outside of the smiting radius, throwing up. "You're suffering from smiting sickness," he explained to his friend.

"That... that's a thing?" Dean asked incredulously.

"Yes," Castiel said. "The angels... what they did... it released a tremendous amount of energy and there's fallout, so this whole area is poisoned."

"You can heal me right?"

"No, I can't," Castiel confessed. "And the closer you get to the blast site the worse your sickness will become."

So Castiel went to investigate the smiting alone, happy to have stopped his friend from continuing. It would've meant an untimely and painful death for Dean after about 10 minutes.

The trees were eerily silent, and it was too dark to be daytime. Castiel finally found Amara, the Darkness, towering over another angel. The other angel, Ambriel, fell to the ground dead as Castiel watched. Amara looked skyward and seemed to inhale the darkness that had been plaguing the sky - it was daylight once again.

Finally Amara turned toward him. "Castiel?"

"Amara, what did you do to her?"

"I consumed her," responded the woman. "Her grace, her spark, her memories, everything... she... oh, she really hit the spot."

Castiel took out his angel blade.

"Seriously?" Amara asked him sarcastically. "I mean Heaven brought the thunder and it barely even scratched my paint job. But you and a shiny knife, sure, that's gonna work."

"You think I'm afraid to die?" he challenged.

"I know you are," she responded. "You reek of fear and self loathing."

Castiel raised the blade to strike, but Amara grabbed his arm. "Oh, scary."

She flung him against a tree, and he felt the sharp stab of pain. "Why God took a special interest in you, I'll never understand. My brother always did have horrible taste in men."

"Just do it," Castiel snapped at her.

But Amara brushed her hand against Castiel's cheek. He shuddered from the contact.

"Blue eyes, you're not even worth the effort... and no offence, but you look a bit used up. Plus, I have a job for you."

He felt pain on his chest – a message, he understood, written on him in blood. Then he was being transported away…

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

Castiel ended up in Crowley's throne room at the entrance to Hell. He wasn't sure if it was because the message Amara had written on his stomach was meant for Crowley, or because Amara knew of his friendship with Dean and had sent him to Dean's side. Either way, he ended up in a room with Castiel, Crowley, Dean, and Rowena.

"Amara," he explained to the group. "She... she's alive. She... she sent this message." Castiel opened his trench-coat and shirt to reveal a message carved into his chest.

"I am coming," Crowley read aloud. "Is that a threat?"

"Or a promise?" asked Dean.

Suddenly, they heard screams.

It was Sam, Castiel could tell… and Ember.

 _No._ Surely the Winchesters and Ember hadn't attempted to speak to Lucifer! Surely that wasn't why everyone was gathered here, at the entrance to Hell…

But Castiel knew from the large pit of dread in his middle that that was exactly what had happened.

Something had gone wrong, of course. The witch, probably. The witch had betrayed them. Or possibly Crowley… Either way, Sam and Ember were now trapped in the cage… with Lucifer. He and Dean ignored Crowley's warnings and tore down the hallway toward the sound of their screams.

"Hey, ass-butt!" Castiel yelled, the words wrenched from his throat once again in a time of need. He could see the cage, not in the depths of Hell like it should be, but somehow magically transported here. In the cage was Lucifer, standing over Sam, who was bleeding onto the floor. Ember was also sprawled across the floor of the cage, unconscious. Castiel fought down fear and panic as he looked at her, noting that the spark of life had not yet left her.

"Dean," said Lucifer when Castiel and Dean stopped just in front of the cage. "Ah, the other one."

Lucifer snapped his fingers and they were magically transported into the cell with him. "Welcome to the party."

"Scared?" Lucifer taunted.

"Not even a little," answered Dean.

Castiel got out his angel blade, preparing to fight.

"Ah, ah, ah," said Lucifer. "At moments like this, it's all about ambiance." Lucifer snapped his fingers and music started playing - Heaven Must Be Missing an Angel. He started to dance, mocking them.

Castiel lunged for Lucifer, and Lucifer grabbed him while Dean attended to Sam and Ember. "I can beat the Darkness. Me. Only me," he said. "Who are these two? They're a couple of apes. You know I'm right, Castiel. You know it!"

Castiel struggled away from Lucifer. "You wanna play that way?" Lucifer taunted, and punched him repeatedly in the face.

Castiel went down next to Ember, and though his own nose was bleeding, healed her quickly. "Help us!" Castiel screamed, launching himself at Lucifer once again.

Castiel saw Dean fly backward away from Lucifer, landing almost on top of Ember. Ember flung herself up and hurled as much force power as she could at Lucifer, but he only laughed. "That doesn't work on me… it tickled, though. You'll have to go farther toward your demon side than that."

Lucifer kicked Sam in the stomach, and then grabbed Dean around the neck and slammed him against the bars of the cell. Dean grimaced as Lucifer lifted him off the ground, choking. He looked at Sam. "Alright Sam," he threatened. "I'm gonna make this real easy for you. You say the magic word or your brother dies... and we both know you won't let that happen."

Castiel charged at Lucifer again, allowing Dean to drop to the floor. He felt Lucifer's repeated punches to his stomach, and he fell to the ground. Lucifer stood over him, foot on Castiel's angel blade, red eyes staring into blue.

"So, last words," said his older brother.

" _Can you really beat her?"_ Castiel asked him telepathically.

 _"I can,"_ Lucifer answered.

 _"I have conditions,"_ Castiel said, " _Which must be agreed to_ , _vel inanus pactum et reditus."_

Lucifer's eyes flashed a dangerous red. If Castiel agreed to be a vessel and Lucifer didn't abide by Castiel's conditions, he would be immediately cast out and returned to the cage. It was not the choice of vessel Lucifer wanted, Castiel was sure… but he would take it, to escape the cage.

 _"Name them,"_ he said brusquely.

 _"You cannot hurt or kill the Winchesters or Ember," Castiel said, "Or I will immediately return to control. You must fight Amara as soon as you have the means and the power, and any lack of effort will result in your immediate return to the cage. And, after you defeat Amara, you will return to the cage, and we will discuss your fate further."_

Lucifer frowned, narrowing his eyes at Castiel. The conditions were far too constrictive for him, Castiel knew… but he would take anything before he would be left down here in the cage.

" _Ego faciam estud,"_ Lucifer said dryly, agreeing to the conditions.

 _"Then yes,"_ said Castiel.

 **February 17**

 **ONE MONTH LATER**

Lucifer didn't allow Castiel to see what was going on. This annoyed him, but he supposed he should've expected it. It didn't matter – the conditions with which Castiel had accepted Lucifer as his vessel would hold true.

Castiel could sense, at least to some degree, the amount of power Lucifer was using at any given time – whether he was flying, or fighting, or killing. Castiel attempted to see what was going on on the one occasion that Lucifer made a kill, but his older brother became angry and responded with pain. It didn't matter, Castiel told himself again – Lucifer was bonded by his conditions. He would try to test them, Castiel knew this… but he would know when this occurred.

Then he smelled Ember. Her scent wafted to him even in the recesses of his own mind, and he fought for control. He felt Lucifer's slice of pain but ignored it, clawing his way to the surface.

The shock of seeing Ember's face pushed Lucifer away, and the sight of her black eyes banished Lucifer to the recesses of his mind. She was a demon? How?

"Ember!" he exclaimed. He scrambled backward from her, alarmed.

"Castiel," she said, smiling, though the smile didn't meet her eyes. "I was wondering when I'd be seeing you."

"What's happened!" he asked. "What has he done?"

"Demon Blood Bond," she said, shrugging.

"No!" he said, horrified. She had too much skin showing, and Castiel fought with the bed covers to cover her, panic rising in his throat. "That's impossible! Lucifer-…"

"Is the father of demons," Ember reminded him. "He can do whatever he wants." She smirked at him.

"No!" he screamed, and he reached into his pants pocket for his phone… but his phone wasn't there, and neither were his pants. A slice of pain shot across his entire body, and he knew Lucifer was attempting to regain control. He did the only thing he could think of… he ran for the door.

She teleported, standing in front of him, and dropped the blanket. "Stop holding back! You did this to me, _again_ , at least enjoy it! We can be together again… sort of…"

Another white-hot flash of pain, and Castiel could feel himself losing the fight against Lucifer.

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

Castiel ran it through his mind over and over again. He obsessed over it. There was nothing else to do, here, trapped in his own mind.

How could Lucifer have forged a Demon Blood Bond? Clearly the Blood Bond had been forged between Ember Castiel, of whom Lucifer currently had control. Even now, he could feel the bond, in his mind, a small but pulsating tether tying him to her. But how was that possible? He and Ember had slept together, yes, and Ember was half-demon. But he was an _angel_...

More importantly, what had gone wrong with the conditions he had set forth for Lucifer? His only thought was that perhaps he should have clarified the definition of the word "hurt"… " _You cannot hurt or kill the Winchesters or Ember."_ That had been the agreement. But clearly Lucifer had found a loophole.

 **February 18**

Just when Castiel was most miserable, Lucifer was suddenly banished to the furthest recesses of his mind. Castiel knew immediately what had happened – he had broken the conditions, in some form or other. Sure enough, Sam was lying in front of him on the floor, unconscious.

Castiel laid a hand on Sam's head. While he healed his friend, he read his mind.

 _Sam and Dean had embarked on a journey to get the Hand of God, a supernatural relic said to wield great power. It had been sunk on an American submarine during WWII, so Lucifer, pretending to be Castiel, had sent Dean back in time to retrieve it. Lucifer was supposed to accompany Dean, but he had been kicked off the submarine almost immediately by angel warding. They had been looking for a way back onto the submarine so that Dean could get home. Sam had found a spell to dispel angel warding called the "Spell of Gathering," but it needed the power of an archangel._

 _"Well Sam, we may as well try," said Lucifer._

 _"Are you nuts?" Sam said, alarmed. "You're not strong enough, Cas! You could get hurt!"_

 _"You find a better option?"_

 _"Well, no," Sam admitted. "But… without a serious boost to your angel power, that spell won't even work!"_

 _"My strength may surprise you," said Lucifer._

 _"Wait a second," said Sam. "I remember Bobby told me when you needed strength to retrieve us from the past, you used him to power up. You touched his soul, right?"_

 _"That's right, I did that," said Lucifer, still cutting ingredients. "But that procedure can be fatal."_

 _"Use my soul," Sam said earnestly. "That way maybe you'll have enough power to wield the spell."_

 _"That isn't necessary," said Lucifer._

 _"It's worth the risk," Sam argued. "Cas, Dean needs our help. I trust you."_

 _Suddenly, Lucifer began to laugh, dropping the façade of Castiel. "What?" Sam asked, confused._

 _"Oh, it's just - I don't need you anymore," said Lucifer, smiling. "I mean, Dean's the one with the link to Amara. Why have I been trying to spare you? I mean, maybe it's because you're like the girl who kept turning me down at the prom."_

 _Lucifer slammed Sam against the wall. "I will touch your soul," he said in his high, creepy voice. "Just because you asked so nicely. And I'll use your spell to blast through the warding and retrieve Dean and the uh, Hand of God, and then when Dean comes back and he finds this place decorated with your guts, I will tell him the truth, Sam. I'll just say, 'Dean -…"_

 _At this point, Lucifer switched back to his imitation of Castiel's deep voice. "… Dean. He knew the risks. He wouldn't take no for an answer.'"_

 _"Lucifer," Sam said in recognition._

 _"In the flesh." Sam watched, horrified, as Lucifer put his hand inside Sam's gut to feel his soul. And then Sam lost consciousness._

In the few seconds it took for Castiel to realize what had happened, he could already feel Lucifer scrabbling for control again. It was a dull thud in his head, nothing near the usual white-hot pain. Lucifer wasn't strong enough yet to take control back, but he would be, soon.

Sam was awakening. He took one look at Castiel and scrambled backward.

"Sam, it's me," said Castiel.

"Cas?" Sam asked. "Why?"

"I wanted to be of service to the fight," Castiel explained, understanding Sam's question. The dull thud of pain was getting louder. "And only Lucifer can beat her."

"You chose this?" Sam said in horror. "You have to fight, Cas! Eject him now!"

"I can't!" Castiel said honestly. "It's taking all my strength to keep him from killing you. And besides, we need him!"

"No Cas, we don't!" said Sam. "We'll find another way to stop Amara!"

Castiel shook his head. "We need him to save Dean."

"You can't time travel," said Sam.

Castiel shook his head again. "Only Lucifer can. Listen. And this is very important. Ember-…" He felt the white-hot pain. Lucifer would regain control soon. "The Demon Bond. Again."

Sam looked at him in horror. "But how? Lucifer's not-…"

"Archangel," Castiel said, and the pain consumed him. "Made… demons. Can do whatever-…" More pain. "You need my blood, to undo it," he finished. He pulled a flask out of his pocket, his hand shaking, and cut his hand, his blood dripping into the flask. He gave the flask to Sam, who pocketed it. Then he gave himself over once more to Lucifer.

 **Early April**

 **SIX WEEKS LATER**

Days turned into weeks. Weeks turned into months.

To cure Ember of the Demon Blood Bond, the Winchesters would need to combine Castiel's blood and Ember's blood. Then they would need to track down Lucifer one more time, find a way to trap him, and say the incantation while pouring the blood over him or making him ingest it.

Perhaps the Winchesters had not been able to get Ember's blood, or the vial of Castiel's blood had been destroyed somehow. More likely, they had not been able to track down Lucifer for a second time. Either way, Castiel knew that Ember was still a demon.

He could smell her sometimes, and when he smelled the familiar mix of oranges and demon and something ethereal, he would fight for control. Sometimes he won. Sometimes he didn't. There was always pain. The few times that he was able to regain control, he was horrified at the things he saw.

He was miserable. She was a demon – _again_ \- and it was all his fault. She would never forgive him for this, and he would never want her to. Castiel lost track of the amount of times he fought for control and won, only to find himself with her in ways that, in another situation, would have been a happy dream.

Castiel didn't know much about how the Blood Bond worked, but he knew a little. He knew it had been used as a conversion method by demons for thousands of years. If a demon seduced a human while feeding them demon blood, it would invoke the Blood Bond. It took years to torture a soul enough to demonize it, while armies could be created much more quickly in this way if needed: _When two souls have been bonded, if both with demon blood, the demon blood shall rule._

Castiel also knew that the Blood Bond boosted the demonic powers of the victim to a level equal to that of the pursuant, with some variation depending on how much demon blood the victim had ingested at any given time. With Dean, Castiel knew that Ember and Dean had been equal in power. But Ember's Demon Blood Bond now was with _him_ , so Ember's power would be equal to his, but less than Lucifer's.

How many times since Lucifer had invoked the Demon Blood Bond had he forced Ember to kill or hurt someone for him? How many times had Ember been tortured when her human side won out and she had refused? Once when Castiel wrestled control away from Lucifer for a few moments, he saw the marks of a whip on her. She grinned at him. "Look what you did!" she taunted him maniacally. "Well, not _you_ , I suppose… another demon, on Lucifer's orders."

"I'm sorry," he whispered.

"I don't care," she answered, her black eyes flashing. He had the impression that she knew exactly how much her words hurt him, and that his misery pleased her demon side. "At least I get to have a little fun," she said, smirking.

Castiel lost track of time, though he thought perhaps it was early April. Then, suddenly, _finally_ , he felt Lucifer's presence relinquish.

Castiel was surrounded in a ring of holy fire, staring at Sam and Dean Winchester.

"Cas," Dean said quickly. "Before anything else, it's Ember."

There was a flash of white-hot pain. The Winchesters had used a spell, but Lucifer was far too powerful for something like that. He shook his head. "I gave my blood. She -…"

"Lucifer destroyed it."

Castiel wasted no time. Shaking, he cut his arm, dripping blood into Dean's waiting flask. The moment the blood was in the flask, however, there was another white-hot flash of pain, and he lost control once again.

He sank back into his own mind, feeling for the small tether that was his Demon Blood Bond. It was gone! Somewhere, Ember was herself again. Somewhere, he knew, she would be unequivocally distraught, and overwhelmingly guilty, and alone.

She would never forgive him, just as he would never forgive himself. Dean would help her, though, as he had last time. At least she was free. And it was a relief, because he didn't think he could keep fighting Lucifer for control - he could still feel the residual pain from the last several times he had tried.

Now, it was up to Lucifer.

 **April 7**

 **ONE DAY LATER**

Something was different. Lucifer was gone. He was still with Castiel, in his mind… but he was unconscious.

What had happened during Lucifer's run-in with Sam and Dean?

Castiel took control easily, and immediately understood why Lucifer was unconscious. The pain… it was unbearable. He had never felt pain like this before. Were it not for Lucifer's power still residing inside him, he would be dead. What had happened to him?

 _Amara._ He could see her across the room, facing away from him, her head cocked to the side in thought.

He tried not to allow the pain to pull him under. It was overwhelming, and he could feel it in every atom of his being. It was worse than when he had been tortured by Malachi's man, far worse even than his torture in Heaven…

"You're not the angel I was torturing," Amara said. "Where is Lucifer?"

But Castiel felt his eyes close, and he knew no more.


	38. S11 Part 3, The Hardest Good-bye

**Author's Note: Extremely mild trigger warnings again, although there is nothing that wasn't already covered in the last chapter.**

 **Welcome to the world of extremely depressed and guilty Castiel.**

 **I do not own Supernatural.**

 **May 2**

 **ONE MONTH LATER**

Castiel was aware of two changes. First, he was aware that Lucifer once more had complete control. For three weeks, Lucifer had gone in and out of consciousness… but now he appeared to be back, and even more upset than usual.

The second change was that Castiel could feel his father. _God_. For the first time in his long life, Castiel felt the undeniable presence of the nearness of his father's light. It was wonderful to feel, a fantastic reassurance. It was the first time since Lucifer had taken over his vessel nearly four months ago that Castiel felt a sense of happiness, a sense of hope. He hadn't felt Ember's presence or the Demon Blood Bond for nearly a month now, by his estimate… and _God_ was somehow back.

And suddenly, Lucifer was once again pushed to the back of his mind. This time, however, unlike the other times, Castiel realized that Lucifer had willingly relinquished control.

When Castiel looked around, he saw his father, for the first time. It was Heaven to look upon him, and his light was pure warmth. " _Father_ ," Castiel said reverently.

"My son," said God, and he was smiling. Then he said, "Someone wants to talk to you."

Castiel could already feel Ember's nearness, just on the other side of the door. His heart swooped with guilt, and something else.

"Ember," he said immediately, opening the door. He felt when he looked at her as though he was starved for her. He had been so worried…

His guilt felt like a punch to the gut, stronger now than ever before. He couldn't believe she could even stand to look at him. What he had done to her was unforgiveable. "I'm so sorry," he said heavily. "I had no idea. I tried-…"

"Cas, _I'm_ sorry," she said, and he could tell she was holding back tears. "I never should've said any of those things when you were just-…"

He was horrified. _She_ was sorry? But she had _nothing_ to be sorry for… "You were a _demon_ ," he insisted. "Because of _me._ I should've checked, I should've thought…"

"Cas, it's _not your fault_ ," she insisted again. "How are you?"

Castiel looked at his feet. He wished he could kiss her, wished he could be with her, wished he could comfort her. But he'd done quite enough already. He couldn't even bear to look at her anymore. "I'm doing what I can, to save the world."

Ember's eyes began to fill with tears, and she reached for him, but he shrank back. He couldn't stand to think about what he had done to her. And it didn't matter, because he could already feel Lucifer nudging him gently, asking for the reigns. It would be fine, now… his father was here. "I'm sorry, Ember," Castiel said one last time. Then he relinquished control, this time painlessly.

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

While his father was around, Lucifer was somewhat more lenient regarding allowing Castiel to see what was happening. Ember, Dean, Sam, Crowley, Rowena, Charlie, his Father, and Lucifer were slowly going about recruiting everyone they could for the final fight against Amara.

Lucifer's job was to recruit the angels in Heaven, however Heaven was less than happy to see him. "I came here to ask a good-faith favor of you folks, but as you are clearly less than kindly disposed, perhaps you'll, uh, lend an ear to my very own Jiminy Cricket," Lucifer told them, ushering Castiel forward.

It was the first time Castiel had been in Heaven since he had broken out Metatron. "Hello, brothers. Sisters," he said warily.

"Castiel?" asked Caraheal.

"It's me," he said.

"Do you think we see any daylight between you and the Adversary?" snapped Achobald.

"I understand," said Castiel, guilt clawing at him like cold hands. "But Lucifer and the Winchesters have found our father. But he needs our help to fight Amara. I have seen him myself." Castiel understood why Lucifer had asked him to come forward. Lucifer had a reputation for being "The Deceiver," "The Lord of Lies." Castiel had a reputation for loving humans too much, for having too much tolerance, and for being impulsive and disobedient - but he also had a reputation for being honorable and a kind Commander.

"Let's hear it from Him," snapped Achobald.

"In good time," said Castiel. "Do I have your support?"

"I can't even look at you, Castiel. You have befouled yourself with the Deceiver."

"You know, every second that I've spent subordinating myself to Lucifer, it's been a torment," said Castiel honestly. "It's destroying me. It's burning through my vessel. But through me, he and God, they will defeat the Darkness. That's my role in this fight. It's God's fight. You can play a part in that fight too, if you join me."

And they did.

 **May 3**

The big fight with Amara was over.

They had lost.

The witches, demons, angels, Lucifer, and God had all fought her, and they had all lost.

But at least Lucifer was gone, blown out – or, dare he hope, killed – by Amara.

It was the first time Castiel had been himself in months. Now there would be people who would want him to answer for his time as Lucifer. Dean and Sam would want to know why he made the decision to allow Lucifer to possess him, and what he planned to do if Lucifer hadn't been killed in the battle against Amara.

And Ember… At least with Dean's Demon Bond, the two of them had been equal in power. They'd each had free will. But the demon bond with Lucifer… how had such a thing even happened? Surely she must blame him! He should have known, should have thought about the possibility. He'd _known_ Lucifer created the demons. He should've known Lucifer would know how to pervert an angel and create a blood bond… He would never forget, as long as he lived, the sight of her black eyes. " _Stop holding back! You did this to me,_ again _, at least_ enjoy _it! We can be together again… sort of…"_

He had closed the door on their relationship when he thought he was dying, but as soon as both of them realized that he _wasn't_ dying, it felt as though the door had somehow opened again. As much as he had tried to avoid her after their kiss, he had secretly hoped that _somehow,_ miraculously, she still loved him. She had been with Dean at the time, but perhaps someday she would have made a different choice, a choice that would have allowed them to be together, if the fates aligned. Now, though, after everything that had happened between them, the door was closed forever. He had caused her nothing but pain, and what little apology he had been able to give her would never make up for the damage he had caused.

All things considered, it occurred to Castiel that he was almost, _almost_ relieved it was the end of the world.

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

"How are you doing?" Dean asked from his seat in the front of the Impala. "You good? I mean, you know, the whole Lucifer thing."

Castiel was far from "good." He wondered if there was enough liquor in the liquor store they were headed toward for an angel to get drunk. It was the end of the world, after all, which meant that he wouldn't have to worry about the hangover.

"I was just... so stupid," he said.

"No, no, no. It wasn't stupid. You were right. You were right to let Lucifer ride shotgun.

Me and Sam wouldn't have done that," said Dean.

"Well, it didn't work," said Castiel. "And Ember-…"

"Will be fine," Dean finished. "There was no way of knowing about the Demon Blood Bond."

Castiel's head whipped around. "Do you know what happened?" he asked imploringly. "How-…"

"Crowley told Ember that the Demon Blood Bond was only called a _Demon_ Blood Bond because angels are too pompous and stuck up to use that method of conversion," said Dean casually.

Of _course._ Finally, it clunked into place. Just as he had been too short-sighed to realize that Ember's demon attraction issues applied to both demons and angels, he had been too short-sighed to realize that angels could form blood bonds as well. He had, yet again, fallen ill to the elitism that plagued angels, the elitism that had ultimately been the downfall of angels like Raphael and Michael.

He was so _stupid –_ and Ember had paid the price.

"Cas, there was no way you could've known," Dean said. "I know you would never have hurt her. But Lucifer…it was our best shot, and you stepped up," Dean continued.

"I was just trying to help," Castiel said miserably.

"Well, and you do help, Cas."

"You know, I—…"

"You're the best friend we've ever had," Dean interrupted. "You know that?"

Castiel looked at him in shock. "You're not… angry with me?"

"We've both done a bunch of stupid shit," Dean said, shaking his head. "But at the end of the day, nobody's ever been there for me like you, and Sam, and Ember. You're our brother, Cas. I want you to know that."

"Thank you," Castiel said, touched. He felt somehow that this meant far more to him than when he referred to another angel as "brother" or "sister."

Dean's cell phone rang. "Yo," he said, answering it. "All right. We're on our way."

"Sam's got something," Dean said, hanging up the phone. Castiel heard the tires screech as Dean turned around the Impala to head back to the bunker.

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

They had a plan. God had said that Amara's weakness was light, which made sense, really. They were going to end her. They had everything they would need, theoretically. Billie the Reaper had even shown up, and provided thousands of souls, which had been harnessed into a bomb.

"So what now?" asked Castiel, after shooting Ember another furtive glance. Neither of them had tried to speak to the other yet, but Castiel could feel her eyes on him when his back was turned. Likewise, his eyes were drawn to her each time she was looking somewhere else.

"Well, now we have the bomb, so we just have to find Amara," said Sam.

"I can track her," said his father. "She's not warded anymore. Why would she be? She won."

"Okay, so?" asked Dean.

Castiel didn't want to say what he was thinking, but he had to. "We need somebody to get close to her, someone with a … personal connection," he said finally.

"Dean, _no,"_ said Ember, and Castiel felt jealously flare up within him as well as a rising panic.

But they all knew it had to be Dean. The connection forged by the Mark of Cain would cause Amara to allow Dean to get closer than any of the others. Rowena and Crowley were raising their eyebrow at Dean, waiting for his answer. Ember was looking horrified but resolute. Even Sam swallowed hard.

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

Before he died, Dean had one request: to go to the grave of Mary Winchester, his dead mother.

Castiel was the first to say good-bye, and he caught Dean in a hug. "I could go with you," he offered.

Dean looked at Ember, just briefly, and Castiel followed his gaze. When they made eye contact, however, Castiel looked away once more. "No, no, no," Dean said. "No, I gotta do this alone."

"Cas… she loves you," Dean whispered, leaning in closer. "Take care of her." Castiel's eyebrows furrowed together in shock, but he recovered quickly. He glanced at Ember once more, and nodded, wishing that this was even a possibility.

"Thank you for everything," Dean said to Castiel, louder this time.

Then Dean turned and addressed the group. "Okay, look. I want a big funeral," he said. "All right? I'm talking epic. Okay? Open bar, choir, Sabbath cover band, and Gary Busey reading the eulogy."

"Done," said Sam, while Ember nodded. Tears were streaming down her face.

"And for my ashes, I like it here," Dean continued, looking near to tears. "Yeah. You know, as far as eternal resting places go."

He moved closer to Ember, nodding at her. "Ember," he said, and reached to hug her, but she kissed him fiercely instead.

Dean pulled back, surprised. "I'm sorry for everything, Dean," she said. "I'm sorry it didn't work out like we'd wanted. But I love you…"

"I love you too," he whispered into her ear. "I always have, and… I always will, even if that love is different now. I'm sorry I couldn't be better, couldn't be everything you wanted."

"Dean…" she said, but he shushed her with another soft kiss.

Castiel's stomach clenched with jealousy, even though he was ashamed of feeling this way. They hadn't touched nearly as much as they used to when they'd gotten back together, and Castiel had appreciated this. He looked away, feeling like an intruder on this most private of moments between lovers.

Dean reached into his pocket, then, and took out the keys to the Impala. He hesitated for a moment, as if collecting himself, and walked over to Sam. Sam shook his head, with tears in his eyes. The two men talked softly for a moment, then hugged. This hug lasted longer than either of the other two goodbyes - a hug between brothers.

Finally, Dean let go, and already he seemed miles away. He gave one last determined look at the group. "Let's do this," he said.

Chuck snapped his fingers, and Dean was gone.

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

Somehow, the six of them – Sam, Ember, Castiel, Rowena, Crowley, and his father – had found their way to a bar called "The Lazy Shag." The bar was closed, but Crowley had opened it anyway. It seemed fitting, somehow, here at the end of all things.

Crowley and Rowena were sitting at the bar companionably, taking lazy drinks. Sam was speaking in hushed voices with God in the corner. With horror, Castiel realized that Ember was approaching him, for the first time since Lucifer had left his vessel.

It was just as he thought – she was looking at him differently. Once she had been his best friend's girlfriend. Then she was _his_ girlfriend, and afterward there had still been _something_ between them, whether it was a hope, or a wish… Now, she looked at him with trepidation, and there was terror in her eyes. He could tell she had steeled herself before even approaching him.

"Ember, I'm so, so, _so_ sorry," he told her. "I never thought there could be a demon bond between us, and it never even occurred to me that Lucifer would pervert-…"

"Cas, you told me that already," Ember said, calmly. "And I already told you, it's _not your fault."_ She swallowed hard. "Look, if we survive this… I think I'm gonna take a break from the whole hunting thing. You know, with Dean gone, and all, I think it's just best if I sort of… lied low and took some time to heal."

It was just as he'd thought. Ember never wanted to see him again. "It's _not your fault,"_ she said again, seeing the upset look on his face. "And I don't blame you, or anything like that. It's just… I think I need some… space. You know, a quiet life. For awhile."

Castiel understood. It was better this way. His presence had only made things difficult for Ember and Dean as a couple, ever since Castiel had been with her. And now Dean was probably going to die, and he had saddled Ember with a horrible blood bond… it was probably better this way. He felt a horrible weight settle in his stomach.

Suddenly, Sam cried, "Chuck!"

God had disappeared.

A few minutes later, the sun returned to the sky, and they knew it was over.

Dean had done it! The world was saved.

And Dean was gone. And Ember never wanted to see him again.


	39. S12 Part 1, Abomination

**Author's Note: I highly enjoyed writing this chapter. I love when Cas loses control.**

 **I do not own Supernatural.**

 **May 4**

"Hey," said Dean, walking in through the door to the bunker.

"Dean!" Castiel and Sam exclaimed in excitement. It hadn't exactly been a relaxing evening. Ember had teleported to her home in Conway Springs in tears, saying that she "wanted to be alone." When he, Ember, and Sam had returned to the bunker, Castiel had been banished, and Ember and Sam had had to fend off an attack. They'd gotten the upper hand, though, and their attacker – a woman from the British Men of Letters – was currently chained in the dungeon.

Castiel had stolen a truck and returned to the bunker at top speed, but by the time he returned Ember had already left to check on her children. Until Dean's sudden reappearance, Sam and Castiel had sat in a somber silence.

"You're alive?" Castiel asked, shocked. "What about the bomb, and the Darkness? What happened?"

Dean was grinning from ear to ear, and a blond woman had followed him in the room.

"…Mom?" Sam asked with hesitation.

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

Castiel would think of that evening for several months to come. It was a happy evening after all, despite everything. Dean told the story: apparently, against all odds, the Darkness had made up with her brother (God), and they had decided to (according to Dean) "take a long vacation together." As a thank-you, Amara had brought Dean's mother back from the dead.

Castiel had never seen Sam and Dean so happy. They called Ember, and she returned immediately, extatic to see Dean alive.

Despite this happy dinner, Castiel thought that something seemed "off" about Ember. Castiel had expected that she would be happy to see Dean again. Instead, however, she seemed distracted and unengaged, almost depressed.

He was sure that her depression was from her experience with Lucifer. He hoped that not seeing him for awhile would help her heal.

 **August 2**

 **THREE MONTHS LATER**

The summer had crawled along.

Castiel hadn't heard from or seen Ember. When he had talked to Dean and Sam, they reported that she was fine, but that she had been very busy with her life in Conway Springs. She truly _had_ given up hunting.

Meanwhile, Castiel teamed up with Crowley to search for Lucifer. It wasn't a comfortable partnership – in fact, it was equally as annoying and horrible as the last time the two of them had worked together. This time, however, they weren't attempting to deceive the Winchesters, and their goals were more closely aligned – stuff Lucifer back in the cage, _forever_.

Finally, on August 2, Crowley and Castiel located Lucifer. He was possessing the rock star Vince Vincente, who was scheduled to do a concert where he would reunite with his old band, Ladyheart. Dean and Sam had been brought in for the confrontation, and Rowena had promised that if they managed to catch Lucifer, she would be available to do the spellwork to force him back into the cage.

Dean and Sam were charged with getting all of the civilians out of the venue of the reunion concert, Club Meteor, with no casualties. Meanwhile, Crowley and Castiel prepared to confront Lucifer in the backroom.

By the time they arrived, Lucifer had already killed most of the rest of Ladyheart.

"Castiel!" Lucifer said upon seeing the younger angel. He pushed him aside, and Castiel went skidding into a coat rack next to the wall. "Took you long enough. Did you bring the rest of the Little Rascals?"

"Just me," Crowley said, appearing in the doorway next to Castiel.

"Spanky!" Lucifer taunted. "Didn't take you for the martyr type, Crowley."

"I'm really not," answered the demon. "I just hate you that much." He threw out a hand, and Lucifer went sailing the opposite direction into the wall. "What are you doing, Lucifer? You mean nothing to those kids out there. You think they'd draw blood for you? By choice?"

"Well… I thought I'd at least ask," said Lucifer, getting up quickly. "And if they won't give it up by choice, maybe I'll just take it."

"Why?" asked Castiel.

"Because it's fun!" Lucifer exclaimed. "Because I can. And because being Lucifer? So much Judeo-Christian baggage. But Vince? He's famous. Everybody loves him."

Lucifer waved his hand then, and sent Crowley skidding into the wall after Castiel. "And I need love. I had a really jacked childhood." And with that, Lucifer turned to the one remaining member of Ladyheart and snapped his neck.

"I wouldn't expect you to understand," Lucifer continued with a glance toward Castiel. "I was inside you. I know what a weak, duty-bound, pleasureless dullard you are!"

Castiel attempted to attack Lucifer again, but the older angel knocked him aside. "It was always, Ember, Ember, _Ember_!"

With this, Lucifer sent Castiel careening across a table, and he landed awkwardly partially on the table and partially on the couch.

By the time Castiel was able to heal his vessel enough to walk properly, Lucifer had already headed out to the stage. Sam and Dean had managed to clear the civilians, but they were now facing Lucifer alone, horribly outmanned and outgunned.

"Hey! Assbutt!" he yelled as he ran forward to hit Lucifer with a guitar. He felt the guitar hit home, and he followed up with a hammer. That was when he smelled her: orange, and demons, and ethereal… but different somehow, though still very distinctly Ember.

Suddenly Castiel was immobilized in thin air, and he staggered backward, fighting an invisible force. He realized with horror that Lucifer had grabbed Ember by the throat. "It's been too long," he whispered to her, pulling her close to his face.

"NO!" he screamed, but he couldn't make his mouth move. Then Dean was there, thankfully, forcing the Enochian handcuffs onto Lucifer's wrists, and Lucifer let go with a yell.

Somewhere, Sam screamed, "Ember!", and a circle of holy oil erupted around Lucifer. Ember had become an expert at setting holy oil traps using her psychokinesis, so Castiel could only assume that this was her doing. But she was falling, now, across the holy oil, caught off guard after Lucifer had let go of her…

Castiel leapt forward and caught her by the shoulders as she fell, pulling her backward so that the holy oil only tickled one of her ankles rather than searing her waist where it would have hit otherwise. He immediately knealt down and healed her ankle, trying not to become lost in the smell of her. It had been so _long_ since he'd been this near, and she was clinging to him…

Castiel's eyes met Ember's. As one, they turned toward Lucifer, who was still caught in the holy oil. Castiel felt Ember squeeze his hand as they both watched him burn and shed the Enochian handcuffs.

Castiel whipped out his angel blade and attempted to close in on Lucifer, but his older brother was stronger and forced him to a kneel, the angel blade clattering to the floor. "Guys, you know I could end you all with a snap of my fingers? But why would I do that, when you can't do anything to me?"

"Why are you doing this?" asked Dean from across the room.

"You and God made up," Sam protested. "You forgave him."

Lucifer smiled, and it was a twisted, evil thing. "Dear old Dad, he finally apologized for abandoning me, and what's the _very_ next thing he does!" he exclaimed. "He ditches me. And you too, by the way. And rides into the sunset with Auntie Amara."

Lucifer's head swiveled back to Ember and Castiel, and he smiled. "But it doesn't matter, because I've got a new cause!" He smiled, a horrible, cackling smile, his eyes swiveling to Castiel. "Surely she must've told you by now. You must be so, _so_ upset. God, I _hated_ it, all those months in your stupid head. All Ember, all the time."

Castiel looked at Ember quizzically. _What?_

"Unless – …" Lucifer's voice drew Castiel's attention again. "Unless he doesn't _know!_ Unless you haven't _told_ him!" He grinned widely at the pair of them.

Suddenly, a much louder noise came from behind Lucifer. "Mah tay, ez loh, say tah!" screamed Rowena.

And in a flash, Lucifer was gone.

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

Castiel was feeling a myriad of emotions, which was an unusual experience for him. What was not unusual, however, was that most of his emotions had to do with the half-demon woman that he was desperately in love with, who was (for some reason, and he wasn't going to complain) still holding his hand. He was relieved that Lucifer had finally been sent back to the cage, and that Ember was okay. He was also relieved that Ember had thought to show up at the last possible second with holy oil, and that Crowley had been able to recover enough from his injuries earlier in the evening to grab Rowena. More than anything, though, he was worried, and scared. What was Ember not telling him?

Crowley seemed to be thinking along the same lines. "Alright, Ember, spill. What's he talking about?"

Ember dropped Castiel's hand, her face panic-stricken. "It's none of your business."

"Bullshit," said Crowley. "Do you really take me for a fool? We both know that whatever Lucifer has on you is _definitely_ my business."

"Leave her alone!" said Castiel and Dean at once, advancing on Crowley.

Ember pushed past him. "I appreciate your services keeping me safe from Lucifer," she said. "But they're no longer required." She stared at the demon, and the demon stared back. They seemed to be having a silent conversation with their eyes.

Finally, Crowley said, "Fine. I get it. Whatever trouble you've gotten yourself into, I'll give you some privacy to tell Moose, Squirrel, and Feathers over there about it. But don't forget, I'm the God damned ruler of Hell. I'll find out sooner or later, love."

"Not with my help you won't!" exclaimed Rowena.

Crowley rolled his eyes. "Come along, mother. I'll take you back to whatever rich man you were manipulating. Or off a cliff." Crowley shot one last look over his shoulder at Ember and Dean in triumph, then disappeared, Rowena with him.

Once Sam, Dean, Castiel, and Ember were alone, it was silent. Finally, everyone spoke at once. Castiel said, "Ember, are you okay?"

Sam said, "What was Lucifer talking about?"

Dean said, "Ember, what's wrong?"

Ember looked up at all of them, fear in her eyes. She dropped Castiel's hand, backing away from him. Why was she backing away from him? He would never hurt her…

"I'm pregnant," she said suddenly.

Castiel felt his heart plummet. Horrible jealousy engulfed him immediately, against his will. That was it, then. He swallowed, hard, and opened his mouth to force himself to say "Congratulations."

Before he could get the words out, however, he noticed Dean and Sam's faces. Both of them were looking at him, with horror… waiting for his reaction. There was a question in both of their eyes, but Castiel couldn't comprehend it. It must be because they knew he was still in love with her. Had he been that obvious? He had tried _so hard_ not to let it show…

"That – congratulations," he said dully. He knew he sounded jealous, and even angry, but it had surprised him. Granted, he knew about her desire not to pass down her demonic nature, but if that's what she and Dean had decided, then that was that. His bitter congratulations had been less than perfect, much less than she deserved, so he tried again, finally bringing himself to look her in the eyes. "You and Dean will be great-…"

But there was something he was still missing. Dean had thrown his hands up and gave an audible, "Son of a bitch!" Sam was tapping his foot and shaking his head, and had let out a sigh. And Ember…

Ember was looking at him like he'd grown three heads. She rolled her eyes at him. "Cas, I'm _almost_ _five months_ pregnant," she said gently.

And slowly, very slowly, it clunked into place.

"No!" he said immediately. It was horrible. It was too horrible to comprehend. He couldn't. He _couldn't_ let it hurt her. "Ember, don't worry about it," he said, moving closer toward her and holding out his hand. He missed her stomach by inches, and she shrank back. "Ember, it won't hurt, I promise, just let me get rid of it-…"

Apparently that had been the wrong thing to say. Ember dodged his hand once again, and teleported to the other side of the room. "Take care of Krissy!" she shouted at Dean and Sam. And then she was gone.

 **August 3**

Castiel, Dean, and Sam raced to Ember's home in Conway Springs, and then to the bunker. They were unsurprised by what they found in either place. Ember's most precious belongings – her computer, a supply of clothes, etc. – had been taken from her home in Conway Springs, apparently in a hurry.

Krissy was at the bunker, and reported that she had already been made aware of what was going on. She was visibly distraught, and handed Sam and Castiel a letter from Ember. "Did you really try to abort her baby?" Krissy asked Castiel accusatorily. "Jesus, you're such a dickbag. I wish she'd chosen Dean."

Castiel felt that he had missed a step. "Chosen… Dean?" he asked Sam.

Sam sighed heavily. "Dean and Ember broke up last April, man. He didn't tell you?" Sam paused. "I was wondering why you two hadn't hooked up by now. The kids said you hadn't been around to see her."

Just then, Dean wandered into the room, holding a six-pack in his hands. "What's that?" he asked, pointing to the letter.

"It's from Ember," said Sam, who was holding it. He held it out so that the three of them could look at it.

 _Cas, Sam, and Dean,_

 _I am having this baby. God was the one who told me I was pregnant. He told me none of you would accept it, especially you, Castiel. Just so you know, it's not necessarily Lucifer's son… it might be yours, Cas._

 _I'm going on the run. I thought of all different ways to do this. I thought perhaps I could stay in contact with the kids, at least… but I don't want them used as collateral or ransom when Crowley or the angels find out. Because I have no doubt that they ultimately will find out._

 _Take care of them, all 4 of them._

 _Don't try to find me – you know I know how to hide. No matter what happens, I love you, all of you._

 _~Ember_

Castiel felt a swooping in his stomach. _They didn't understand…_ Just when he was about to open his mouth, however, Krissy said, "That's bullshit, you know? You're the one who got her into this in the first place. You should be supportive of her."

Castiel blanched back.

"Alright, Kris," said Sam, clearing his throat. "I'm really sorry, but we've got to talk about what to do, just the three of us."

Krissy stood still, refusing to move. "Look, we promise we'll let you help with whatever plan we come up with, once we figure this out," said Sam, placating the teenager. "We _promise._ But we've only just found out about all of this, and we need to get our thoughts together."

Krissy still didn't move. "We won't do _anything_ until morning," Sam said again. "It's _late,_ and all of our emotions are running high. And Cas, here, just found out he might be the father…" Castiel flinched.

Finally, Krissy marched down the hallway, shooting Castiel an extremely dirty look on her way out of the door to the kitchen.

Once she was gone, all three adults let out a breath they hadn't realized they'd been holding.

"OK, what are we going to do?" asked Dean immediately, taking a sip of his beer and passing it to Sam.

"Find her, _"_ said Castiel immediately.

"So you can abort the baby?" Dean challenged him.

"It's a nephilim," said Castiel. "It's an abomination."

"It might be _yours,"_ Sam argued, sitting down heavily in a chair.

"Nephilims are an abomination of God."

"Dude, that's fucked up," said Dean, shaking his head and sitting down as well.

"But it sounds like God was _endorsing_ the child," said Sam.

Castiel stopped for a moment, but then shook his head. "The child might be Lucifer's. A child of an _archangel…_ you can't even _imagine_ the power. I simply can't allow-…"

"Doesn't sound like you have a choice," Sam said, taking another sip of his beer.

Castiel had reached the end of his patience, which was usually exceptionally high. "You don't understand!" he expelled. "She won't survive it! Having a nephilim… it's suicide!"

Sam's eyes opened wide, and Dean stood up sharply. "Then tell her you won't hurt her! Lie to her!"

Castiel and Sam both shook their heads. "Dean, she'd never fall for that," Sam said slowly. "Cas… are you sure? I mean, with all of her demon powers…"

Castiel thought again for a moment, but looked pained. "I mean, I _might_ be able to save her… _if_ I can heal her fast enough when…"

"So _do it,"_ Dean said, but Castiel gave him a pained look.

"Jesus, Cas, this isn't rocket science," said Dean, clearly frustrated. "She loves you. Be there for her while she's pregnant, and then save her when she has the child. What's the fucking problem?"

"I can't allow it to be born."

"So you would let her die?!" Dean screamed, moving so that he was within a foot of the angel. "Ember's not stupid. Sam's right, she's not going to come anywhere near you as long as she thinks your intention is to abort the child."

"You think I don't know that?" Castiel screamed at his best friend. "I don't need _you_ to tell me about Ember."

"Clearly you _do,"_ said Dean. " _Fix this_ , Cas! It's _your_ damn fault she's in this mess in the first place, now _clean it up!"_

Castiel felt anger and hurt boil within him. Before he knew what he was doing, Dean had sailed across the room and hit the back wall. Then Castiel fled.


	40. S12 Part 2, The Worst Sin Yet

**Author's Note: Loved this episode. Any Speight episode is bound to be funny and genius.**

 **I don't own Supernatural.**

 **August 19**

 **TWO WEEKS LATER**

Castiel tried not to allow himself to drown in guilt and misery. He tried to make a plan of action instead.

He would rectify his mistake. When he had become God, broken Sam's mind, and released the Leviathans, he had later returned to take Sam's illness and return the Leviathans to Purgatory. When his trust in Metatron had allowed the Fall, he had led the angels against Metatron and re-opened Heaven. When he had released Lucifer to fight the Darkness, he had spearheaded the effort to stuff him back in the cage. This was the worst sin yet, however. He had created a nephilim, but he would ensure that it would be destroyed.

Castiel had almost caught Ember twice. The first time, he had arrived at one of her old teleportation spots in Nebraska and asked around. A lady had told him that a woman fitting Ember's description had left 15 minutes ago.

The second time, he managed to catch a glimpse of her in a motel in Alabama that she had frequented occasionally. "Ember, please!" he had shouted, but she had teleported away, giving him a fearful look.

He was pacing a motel in Hawaii when he heard Sam's prayer. " _Cas… Dean says this is a lost cause. Look, I don't know if you knew, but Hell knows about Ember now."_

Castiel felt a lurch near his stomach region.

" _It was one thing when it was just us looking for her, but now it's every damn demon in the United States, and soon every angel too. We've got to give her a place to hide. I've got a proposition. Come back to the bunker."_

It took Castiel a good three days, but he eventually made it back to the bunker. Dean gave him a scornful look, but otherwise said nothing. Krissy avoided his eyes.

"Look," said Sam once all five of them were in the kitchen. "We hoped once you disappeared, Ember would come back. But she hasn't. I think she's too afraid you're going to tail us to find her."

The idea had crossed his mind. He had a feeling Dean guessed this, because Dean caught his eye at that point and gave him an icy glare.

"It was different when it was just us," Sam continued. "But now every demon alive is after her, and probably the angels, too. And they won't think about her. Hell won't think twice about letting her die after they get the child, and Heaven will kill them both on principal. And the demons can teleport."

Castiel nodded. "So what's your proposition?"

"A truce," said Sam. "I know you don't want the nephilim to be born, Cas. I get that. But I know you, at least, don't want Ember to die, either. What we need is more time to decide what to do about this, with Ember _safe._ So we'll get the word out to her that we're willing to offer amnesty. She's not even six months along. We have a little time to figure out what to do, but in the meantime we need her _safe,_ with the people who care about _her_ , rather than the nephilim _._ And that means you have to promise not to abort her child when she's not looking."

Castiel considered this for a second. He was desperate, to be honest. He had yet to come to a conclusion about what to do. He loved Ember endlessly, more than even he could understand, but allowing the nephilim to live went against everything he had ever believed in. He wished he could get her to understand why it _had_ to go… perhaps Dean and Sam were right. Perhaps more time was what they needed.

"Agreed," he said.

 **September 23**

 **ONE MONTH LATER**

Dean, Castiel, Sam, and the children had continued to look for Ember for the past month, to no avail. They had left messages for her about their truce in her hideouts in places only she might look, such as in the back of the remote control where the batteries would go, and inside a bottle of her favorite Deoderant. Still, the brothers and Castiel had not seen from or heard about her. Every so often at various hideouts, they ran across demons who were also looking for her. This was reassuring in its own way, because at least they knew she was still at large.

Still, they were beginning to get desperate, and no one was more desperate than Castiel. He almost hoped Ember didn't return home to the bunker or to her home in Conway Springs, because there was now a near constant stream of angels and demons positioned outside or around them awaiting her return. Castiel had questioned both parties (under torture if necessary) and revealed that both parties had instructions to leave alone the residents' normal inhabitants and simply await Ember's arrival. Unwilling to cause the death of any more angels, Castiel ultimately allowed the angelic guards and killed the demons.

Finally, on September 23rd, a hunter named Wally recruited Sam, Dean, and Castiel to assist in hunting and killing a demon. Castiel was loathe to leave the search for Ember, so much so that he was the last one to arrive to the informal planning meeting over breakfast at Raul's Coffee and Diner. Still, he was forced to admit that they were making no progress whatsoever in locating Ember. Perhaps, as Dean said, a break would help.

The demon hunt almost immediately turned into a disaster. There was something different about this demon. He was so _strong_ … Castiel had never encountered a demon of this strength before, and he had fought a _lot_ of demons.

This particular demon went straight for Castiel, the only angel in the group of hunters. He wasn't quick enough, and the demon was on him. He felt a spear pierce his side and felt pain spread through his body… more than was normal. He saw the symbols on the spear and knew it must be enchanted somehow.

More than likely, he wouldn't heal normally.

More than likely, he was doomed.

The demon was still advancing. He tried to crawl away, holding his side, slick with mud.

"Where do you think you're going, huh?" the demon taunted him.

He was definitely done for…

Out of nowhere, Mary Winchester's SUV pulled up, running the demon over. It would barely make a dent, not to a demon of that strength… but it gave them a few minutes.

Mary helped him up, and together the two of them made it to a barn a short distance away from the property.

Dean and Sam arrived at the barn soon after, bringing with them the news that Wally had been killed in the fight.

"You look like hammered crap," Dean said to Castiel, leaning over him.

"Yeah, that sounds about right," said Castiel. As he had suspected, he was unable to heal himself. The wound had begun to burn now, and he could feel some sort of poison digging its way through his body. What poison could affect an angel in this way? What _demon_ had such a weapon, that even Crowley didn't know about or possess?

"Let's see," said Dean. He froze halfway to Castiel, however, and said, "Ember!"

Castiel hadn't needed this to know that Ember had appeared, however; despite the wound, he could already smell the aroma of oranges and demon and something ethereal. He felt his stomach drop to somewhere around his bleeding side. He tried to turn, and immediately regretted it because of the pain.

"Premonition," Ember said by way of explanation, and a second later she came into Castiel's viewpoint. She pushed Dean out of the way, and leaned over Castiel. "Let's see…"

Castiel looked up into her eyes, worry creasing her forehead. She was thinner than he remembered, and her stomach was rounder, and it made him sick… though perhaps that was the bleeding coming from his side. He followed her gaze down, and realized that his stomach had started to rot from the point of entry of the spear onward.

"All right," said Dean. "Okay. Hey, you know what? I've had worse."

"Oh, yeah? When?" Castiel snapped. "Dean, something's wrong. I... I can't heal myself. I think the... I think the demon's s-spear was poisoned. I don't... I-I think I'm dying."

"No," Dean said. "No, you just need some time, okay? You'll heal up the old fashioned way. Sam! Sammy!"

Crowley appeared just behind Sam and Mary, suddenly. "You idiots. You're all going to die."

Ember reacted immediately. Tearing her eyes away from Castiel, she stuck one hand out, and covered her stomach with the other.

"Relax," said Crowley, gesturing to Ember. "I'm not after the spawn of Satan. Not at the moment, anyway. We have other issues."

"Well, this day just keeps gettin' better," said Dean sarcastically.

"Crowley?" Sam asked, annoyed.

"You're him? The King of Hell?" asked Mary.

But Ember was facing him, now, in his direct line of vision, and she had put a hand on his arm."I can heal you, I think," she said.

His vision swooned as he struggled to look at her. She _was_ more powerful… he could feel the aura of power surrounding her, and it was (to his surprise) almost as strong as the demon they had been fighting. This both shocked and alarmed him.

She laid her hand on Castiel's stomach, and he could feel the heat of her hand even despite the pain. But he knew she wouldn't be able to heal him. Perhaps she had been able to heal herself, or even other humans, but angels were different.

"Ember," he rasped, grabbing her hand.

"I can teleport you," she offered, apparently realizing what he had already known. "And then we'll figure something out back at the bunker…"

"No, you can't," said Castiel, choking out the words. "Moving me may speed up the process. You may have gotten stronger, but teleporting humans and teleporting an angel are two very different things."

Things were becoming blurry, and he tried to concentrate on Ember's smell as though it were a lifeline.

"Do you know what you've done?" Crowley's voice pierced him suddenly from across the room. "Does the name Ramiel mean anything to you?"

"Yes," said Ember and Castiel at once, while the other three all said, "No."

"What?" asked Sam.

"Ramiel, Prince of Hell," Castiel answered, but found that the pain wouldn't allow him to continue.

"Lucifer made Lilith, and then he made four other demons," Ember filled in, her hand still on Castiel's stomach. "The Princes of Hell, more powerful even than the Knights of Hell. They're Azmodeaus, Dagon, Ramiel… and Azazel." He had taught her this, late one night, while they lied naked under a blanket and she asked about Heaven and Hell.

"Azazel," Mary breathed, recognizing the name.

Crowley nodded. "They all have his eyes. My demons were there to keep people away from Ramiel. Believe me, that's a hornet's nest you do not want to be kicking."

"Too late," said Dean.

"What happened to Cas?" asked Sam.

"He got stabbed with some kind of silver-tipped spear," Mary answered.

"It's not a spear," said Crowley, recognition flaring in his eyes. "It's a lance. The Lance of Michael."

"Michael." Dean repeated. "As in _Michael_ Michael?"

"Nasty bit of business," Crowley agreed. "Kills everything it touches. If you're a demon, you go up in a puff of smoke. If you're an angel, you just... rot away. Sorry, Castiel."

That was it then… he was done for. He looked at Ember, his vision still swooning. Did she know how much he wanted to make everything better for her? Did she know how _sorry_ he was? Did she know how much he loved her? He found that he suddenly wanted her to know all of these things, before he died. Very slowly, he took his hand from around hers, and placed it gently on her face. She leaned into his touch, despite the fact that it was gooey with his blood. She placed both of her hands on his hand when it started to slip.

"Shut up. Shut up!" Dean screamed at Crowley. "We don't have time, okay, for your– for you. So either help us or get the hell out of here!"

Crowley disappeared. "Yeah, figures," Dean said. "Cas, how bad is it?"

Castiel felt as though he was on fire, but he managed to pull aside his collar. Under his shirt, the tendrils of the infection were spreading across his chest. "Crowley's right," he said. "You should go."

"Cas, come on," Dean insisted.

"Cas, no," Ember whispered. She was still holding Castiel's hand in both of hers, and tears were streaming down her face.

"No, you listen to me," said Castiel. "You– Look, thank you. Thank you. Knowing you, it... it's been the best part of my life. You're my family. I love you. I love all of you. Just please... please, don't make my last moments be spent watching you die. Just run. Save yourselves. And I will hold Ramiel off as long as I can. "

"Cas, no," said Dean and Ember again, sharing eye contact.

"Like you said, you're family," said Dean. "And we don't leave family behind."

Castiel was looking at Ember, now.

"We hit him with everything we got," Dean was saying.

They were moving around Ember, preparing for battle, but when she turned to help, Castiel tugged her backward and caught her with his gaze.

He found that he couldn't speak, but the message he wanted to send to her would be best for her ears only. She would be strong enough to receive his telepathic message now, even if he wasn't strong enough to form a solid link with their minds. He reached out with his mind and, as he has hoped, found hers already open and ready for him. _"I love you, you must know that,"_ he told her. _"I've always loved you… I've never stopped…"_

 _"Cas…"_ she thought back, and the look on her face was tender.

 _"I'm_ so _sorry about the Demon Bond, Ember,"_ he said. _"And I have no right to even ask for your forgiveness, after everything… after the_ child… _But those months with you were the happiest of my life, and if things were different, I'd have settled down, like you wanted…"_

Ember looked back at him, shock etched into her face. " _Cas, I-…"_

Suddenly, however, they were distracted by a crash. Crowley was sailing, screaming, through the window, where he landed unconscious on the floor. Dean and Sam jumped up to go investigate, but Ember stayed next to Castiel. The brothers had barely reached Crowley's body, however, when the demon Ramiel walked through the door.

Sam quickly dropped a lighter to the floor, and a second later a ring of fire rose up around Ramiel. "Toasty," he said.

"You stabbed one of our friends," said Dean, pacing around the circle.

"Your friend was trespassing," said Ramiel.

"Tell us how to cure him," demanded Sam menacingly.

"There is no cure," said Ramiel.

"You have any idea who we are?" asked Dean.

"I don't care," said Ramiel. "I don't care who you are. I don't care why you're here. I don't care about Heaven or Hell or anything. I don't even care that Lucifer's got a bun in the oven."

"You know about that?" asked Mary.

"My sister Dagon, she's taken an interest," said Ramiel. "But me? Eh."

"Let me guess," said Dean. "You don't care."

"All I wanted was to be left alone," said Ramiel. "But then you come. You steal from me. And that? Oooh. That I cannot abide."

Castiel caught Ember's eye, and she looked as confused as he did. Who had stolen from him?

Ramiel slowly took out a pocket watch from his jacket. "Give me back what's mine," he said. "Or I take it off your lifeless bodies. You've got 30 seconds."

The seconds ticked by slowly, and Ember looked at Castiel. " _Go,"_ the angel told her telepathically. He could feel his vision clouding. It would be soon, now. " _I'm not worth it._ "

" _I won't abandon everyone I love unless I have no other choice,"_ Ember thought fiercely at the angel. He felt a small smile crawl over his lips. _"Everyone I love…"_

Ramiel had drawn a large, silver lance from out of nowhere, and was readying it. Ember noticed it too and stood up, also readying herself.

As if in slow motion, Ramiel brought the lance down onto the ground. It blew out the circle of holy oil, but made no more effect.

Ramiel's eyes immediately leapt to Ember, who had fought back the blast caused by the Lance of Michael. He squinted at her carefully. "I thought you were with him," he said, gesturing to Crowley, who Ember just now noticed seemed to have regained consciousness. "But there's something more to you…"

"I am half-demon," said Ember. "The child I carry is part demon, part angel, and part human."

"It's yours?" Ramiel asked her, clearly surprised but trying not to show it. " _You're_ the mother of Lucifer's child?"

Crowley stood up, brushing off his long black coat. "'Told you not to go in the barn."

"Might be," replied Ember honestly. "Now cure him, or I'll kill the child." And she aimed her own angel blade at her stomach. Castiel felt shock, and for a very small second his surprise overwhelmed even the pain from the lance.

"You're bluffing," Ramiel said.

"How mad do you think Lucifer will get?" Ember challenged.

Ramiel's eyes flickered in doubt, but he said, "Doesn't matter. There is no cure. Now get out of the way, or I'll _make_ you." He started toward Ember, but at that moment Mary took advantage of the distraction and ran Ramiel through with an angel blade. Ramiel turned toward her, throwing her backward, but Ember blocked his blow. Instead, Sam grabbed the Lance of Michael from Ramiel and stabbed him squarely in the chest. For a moment, his face was alight with laughter… until he exploded, in a giant burst of grey smoke.

Castiel could feel that his time was up as well. He screamed in agony, and for a second his vision swooned worse than ever, and all he saw was blackness. He heard a coughing sound from somewhere, and he realized that it was him.

"No!" Ember screamed, and Castiel tried harder to focus on her face, so that he could see her as he died.

"Cas," Sam was saying. "Hey, buddy. Hey, we're here, Cas. We're right here, buddy. Hang in there, all right? What do we do?"

Somewhere beyond Sam, out of the corner of his eye, Castiel saw Crowley break the lance in half. Suddenly, Castiel felt a terrible, wrenching pain come from the wound…

"It's all in the craftsmanship…" the words floated to him, even in his pain. And then, suddenly, the pain was gone. His vision was clear again.

Relief flooded through Castiel. He would live! He would still be able to save Ember from the child that he and Lucifer had created…

"Ember, please," Sam said, striding over to envelop her in a hug. "Come back to the bunker with us. Let's talk."

Surely she would return, now. Surely she would be okay… but Ember shook her head. "I can't," she said, and to Castiel it sounded like a death sentence. "I have to go. I'm stronger than Crowley, but it won't take him long to arrange back-up. He wants that child, I can see it in his eyes. And none of us know how Crowley found out from Lucifer about the child in the first place, because I'm assuming it wasn't _anyone_ here. And Dagon, the other Knight of Hell, has taken an interest?"

Ember was shaking, and Castiel reached to her, but she danced out of his reach. He pulled himself back as if burned. "I have to stay on the move," she said.

"Then I'll go with you," said Castiel, forcing himself not to move toward her again. "A truce. I promise, I won't try to hurt the -…" Here he paused, feeling sick. "The _child_ again. I just want to _talk."_ If that was what it took, to keep her out of danger for the moment…

"I'm sorry, Cas," she said, and Castiel felt that his heart was breaking all over again. "I wish – I _really_ wish that I could. But I teleport… everywhere now, for my own safety, and for his." She put a hand gently on her stomach. "And Dagon can teleport too. I can't… can't risk it. It puts you in too much danger, all of you." She smiled, wanely, and then she disappeared.

She was so powerful now… he couldn't have stopped her if he'd wanted to. Perhaps he couldn't even kill the _thing_ inside her now, even with the powers granted to him as a seraph. He sat down on the couch where he had almost died, miserable, though now for a different reason.

 **October**

Castiel still hadn't found Ember. Though he had looked tirelessly for her over the past six weeks, he would be the first to admit that he had simply been going though the motions. He hadn't really expected to find her, not now that he knew how much her powers had increased. He could go invisible, just as she could, but by this point she was likely powerful enough that even he wouldn't be able to see her if she didn't want him to. She could teleport, and he would never catch her.

In late October, Castiel investigated an angel killing in Idaho. He watched, on the security camera, as Ember walked down an alleyway, pursued by an angel. She came face to face with another angel, and then teleported away. Both angels whirled around, only to face a woman with yellow eyes who killed them both. _Dagon._ Only Princes of Hell had yellow eyes.

If a Prince (or Princess, he supposed) of Hell and two angels couldn't catch Ember, he certainly couldn't.


	41. S12 Part 3, The Future

**Author's Note: Stuff.**

 **I don't own Supernatural.**

 **November 6**

The more time passed, the more frantic Castiel became. He also began to wonder, more and more, whether the child was his or Lucifer's. Ember had said in the letter that _God_ had told her that she was pregnant. Lucifer had already known about the child, though, before Castiel. Had he known because it was _his_ child, or had he read Ember's mind that day at the rock concert? Lucifer was strong enough to read Ember's mind from across the room despite her demon blood, and he was far more inclined to do so without permission.

When Ember had shown up suddenly during their confrontation with Ramiel, she had said she had known what was going on due to a "premonition." Castiel suspected that she had shown up at the rock concert for the same reason. Ember had had premonitions about Lucifer during the Apocalypse, several years before, but they always related directly to something that Lucifer was doing. Lucifer had been present at the rock concert, but not at the confrontation with Ramiel, which made no sense. Ramiel had been a Prince of Hell, one of the strongest demons, and a "direct descendant" of Lucifer in that he had been trained by the Devil and infused with some of his powers. Had this allowed Ember the premonition about the confrontation with Ramiel, or was there something else at work?

How _could_ Castiel be the father? He remembered quite a few times when he had smelled her and fought against Lucifer for control, but these fights had never been effective for long. It seemed far more likely that Lucifer would be the father…

It didn't matter, in the end. Nephilims were known to be twice as strong as their sire. Lucifer was an archangel, but he himself was a warrior and a seraph. Even if the nephilim was his, he or she would be at least as strong as Lucifer, a God in their own right… to say nothing of Ember's demon blood.

Yes, this was definitely the worst sin yet.

Finally, an angel called Kelvin confronted him at one of Ember's hiding spots and asked to meet with him at a bar.

"So how are things in Heaven?" Castiel asked Kelvin once they were both seated.

He didn't often see angels anymore, so he had been happy to respond when his brother had reached out to him. He missed Heaven desperately, almost as much as he missed being with Ember… not that either one of them was speaking to him.

"Functional," said Kelvin. "You know, there's the usual infighting, but… let's just say that Lucifer having a baby on board has brought us all together. What you've done was incomprehensible, Castiel."

"You must know I've tried to rectify-…"

"Not hard enough," said the other angel. He fixed Castiel with a hard glare. "Look, I know you're working with the Winchesters. And I know you're in love with the mother, Ember whatever-her-name-is."

Castiel flinched. Now he remembered why he didn't hang out with angels.

"You ever miss it?" Kelvin asked. "Upstairs? I mean, don't get me wrong. I love Earth. It's quirky. It smells like hay. But it's not home, is it?"

"I don't believe I'm welcome in Heaven," Castiel said, fixing Kelvin with a glare.

"No, you're not," the other angel said. "They're very angry, I won't lie. But what if I told you, you could come back? That all your sins could be forgotten? Forgiven?"

"I would say that you're lying," Castiel snapped.

"Oh, but I'm not," Kelvin said. "Let's face it, if Lucifer wanted to create a nephilim, he'd have done it with or without you, and he'd've probably even chosen Ember."

Castiel balled his fists up.

"This child will kill her without your help," said Kelvin. "You must know that. Birthing a nephilim would kill a normal human, but Ember's not normal, is she? But even so, it'll still take the powers of an angel to heal her fast enough to compensate for the birthing."

"I'd guessed as much," Castiel admitted.

"I figured you had," Kelvin said. "And I expect you planned to do the healing yourself… considering that if she dies, she _won't_ be allowed in Heaven."

Castiel flinched, and Kelvin did not miss it. "Surely you knew that?" asked Kelvin, adopting a fake sympathetic expression.

"She earned her way to Heaven," Castiel protested bitterly.

"True," said Kelvin. "But this is as unforgiveable for her as it is for you. _But,_ if you help us, and send her upstairs for us – or, if you're feeling sentimental, even if you just send the _child_ upstairs - you'll both be welcome there."

"Right," Castiel said sarcastically. "And you have the power to do that."

"Oh, no, I can't," said Kelvin. "I'm just the messenger. But Joshua can."

"Joshua?" asked Castiel. He remembered the angel from the Apocalypse that had explained that God had abandoned them. Joshua was often called "The Garderner", but he very rarely got his hands dirty. "I thought he stepped aside."

"He did," answered Kelvin. "But like I said, all hands on deck situation. Imagine it, Castiel - free to come and go as you please, part of your family, your true family, again. And Ember will be there too. She'll come to terms with it, once she knows the stakes. Because we'll track her down either way, and she _will_ lose the child."

Castiel was unsure.

" _Look,"_ said Kelvin, relaxing in his seat and taking another drink. "The Gardener's got a plan. All we ask is that you hear us, hear him out. For the greater good."

So Castiel did.

 **December 9**

 **ONE MONTH LATER**

Heaven was… _okay_ , Castiel supposed.

It had changed a lot. Before the Apocalypse, and when he had presided over Heaven, it had been an endless realm of the personal paradises of each human it contained. It had shifted constantly to make room for new arrivals. Angels had only to think of the room they desired, and they would arrive there.

Now, Heaven had been restructured into what appeared to be a large building with several white rooms, each leading to the personal paradise of one of the inhabitants. The white hallways stretched on forever. Castiel wasn't sure exactly when this change had occurred, but he knew that he hated it. Other angels called it "more organized" – he called it "boring."

There were less angels there, too. None of the angels that had been his closest friends were there – Hannah, Anna, and Domiel were all dead. Finally, God's power, which made Heaven feel warm and inviting, had long since waned. He supposed that Heaven would never again feel like "home."

The other angels looked at Castiel with a myriad of expressions ranging from suspicion to outright antagonism. Some of them were friendly, but Castiel constantly wondered if they were friendly with him simply because they knew he was powerful.

Honestly, Castiel couldn't wait to get back. Still, there was work to be done. First he got a tour of the "new and improved" Heaven that took far longer than it should have, and then he sat in a relentless amount of meetings involving the nephilim. In these meetings it was made clear repeatedly – the nephilim had to be exterminated, or Ember would go to the Empty when she died.

Finally, on December 9th, he heard Ember praying to him. "Cas… I know we've had our ups and downs," Ember prayed that night. "But… Dagon's got me. I don't know where, either… she blindfolded me. They say birthing this child is going to kill me, and… I know for sure it _will_ kill me without you here to help. And that will leave her raising this child. And all the fighting we did, and going back and forth about whether the child is yours or Lucifer's… none of that means anything anymore, if she raises this child. I'd rather _both_ of us die than have this child be born into the world with Dagon raising it. Please, help me. Tell Dean and Sam I'm okay. Tell them I love them. Tell them to come for me… tell them _all_ to come for me."

 **December 10**

He had to be ready when he got to Ember. It was for this reason that he had arrived at the bunker.

"Cas!" Sam said with surprise.

"Hello," he answered.

"Hey, you're alright!" Sam said. "Um – where have you been?" Sam said. "And – is there any chance you've heard from Ember?"

"Cas!" Dean said suddenly, spying Castiel for the first time as he walked into the room. "Where the hell have you been? And why have you ignored our phone calls?"

"I was in Heaven," Castiel answered. "I was working with the angels to figure out if there was another way to solve the issue of Lucifer's child. But – yes, Ember has prayed to me."

"She's alright?" asked Sam. "Where is she?"

"She's fine," said Castiel. "Scared, though. But… I don't know where she is."

It was a lie. He knew exactly where she was. For once, the angels had good intelligence.

Dean looked crestfallen. Sam offered, "Well, at least you're back. We're glad you're back."

"Really?" Dean snapped at both of them. "No, I'm sorry. Because while you were kissing ass in Heaven, Ember got kidnapped _in the first place._ At least last week, all we had to worry about was whether she _lived_ or _died_ out there on her own, since you refuse to work with her to protect _your_ child. But now? Now she's running around with a God damned Princess of Hell when she's ready to pop. _"_

Castiel wanted to disappear like he had so many months ago, but he resisted the urge. He was here on a mission. Anyway, Dean was partially right. "I know," said Castiel finally. "I'm sorry." At least that part was true. This whole trip to the bunker was starting to remind him of the year he had spent deceiving the Winchesters. He was determined, though. Even Ember would understand, in the end. She'd have to. It was the only way to keep her alive, _and_ secure her place in Heaven…

"What the hell is wrong with you, man?" Dean continued. "You know what? Whatever. Welcome back." And he stomped away to his room.

It took Castiel awhile to be sure, but by four hours later he was sure that the item he was looking for – the reason he'd _really_ returned to the bunker – was nowhere to be found except for possibly in Dean's or Sam's room. Steeling himself, Castiel knocked on the door to Dean's room. "Sorry, Dean," he said. "Um, I just wanted to return this." He handed Dean the cassette tape that Dean had given him some time ago.

"It's a gift," Dean snapped. "You keep those."

"Oh," Castiel said. Was it under his pillow, perhaps? That seemed like a very "Dean" thing to do.

"Cas, you can't –…" Dean started. He collected himself, then continued. "With everything that's going on, you can't just go dark like that. We didn't know what happened to you. We were worried. That's not okay."

 _Just a little bit closer to the bed…_ "Well, I didn't mean to add to your distress. I – Dean, I just keep failing. Again and again. When you were taken, I searched for months and I couldn't find you. And then Lucifer… And now Ember's been taken, and I can't find her. I just… wanted to do something right. And the angels… I thought I could convince them… I don't know, maybe find a way to remove the child's grace, or… if there were _some_ way…"

"The angels weren't having it?"

Castiel shook his head. "Even if we remove the child's grace - which will be excruciating for him by the way - there's no way to destroy a grace permanently except the death of the angel it's tied to. We would always have to worry. It's – I mean, they feel it's more trouble than it's worth." _Got it!_ It _had_ been under Dean's pillow.

Dean sighed. "You think you're the only one rolling snake eyes here? One minute Ember was with us, and the next she was teleported to who knows where. And we have _no idea_ where to even _start…_ " There were dark circles under Dean's eyes, and Castiel could tell that Dean hadn't slept since Ember had been kidnapped.

"Dean," Castiel started. "What if…" he sighed. "The angels say that if Ember has this child, she won't be allowed in Heaven."

Dean froze, then looked at Castiel in shock. "That's not fair. She worked _so_ hard to earn her place there!"

"I know," said Castiel. "But they won't budge."

Dean was quiet for a second, then asked, "Where would she go? When she passes?"

"To the Empty, I suppose," said Castiel.

Dean sighed. "Well, she's in the same boat as Sam and I, then," he said. "Death has told us we'll go the Empty, when we die."

Castiel looked stunned by this. "Dean, that's not good!"

"Cas, I've been to Hell and Purgatory," Dean reminded his friend. "What's so bad about the Empty?"

"Well, nothing," Castiel admitted. "I think you forever sleep there. Just… for everything you've done, and Ember, too… you all should go to Heaven."

Dean nodded. "I agree. But, Death disagrees, apparently."

Castiel tried again. It was his last hope. Perhaps Dean would help him with what he had to do, if he could only make Dean understand… "Dean… when we find Ember, what are we going to do?"

"What do you mean what are we going to do?" asked Dean. "We're going to bring her home."

"No, I mean what are we going to do _about the baby?_ There's no more time to… to decide…"

Dean shrugged. "I've already decided. I've told you. If it's evil, we'll kill it. Or we'll remove the grace. But Sam and Ember are right, we'll find a better way, Cas."

"We?" Castiel asked.

"Yes, dumbass. We. You, me, Ember, and Sam, we're just better together. So now that you're back, let's go, Team Free Will. Let's get it done."

"I'd like that," Castiel lied, his heart sinking. He was all alone, then.

 **December 12th**

It had taken too long to get here. Perhaps he had been dreading it, though, and not driving as fast as he could've. But he was here now.

"Is it done?" said Kelvin.

"Yes," Castiel answered, handing him the Colt.

"Bullets?" asked Kelvin.

"There were only two in the chamber, and I couldn't exactly ask for more," Castiel snapped.

"It's enough," said Kelvin. "One for Dagon, and one for Ember."

"No," said Castiel. "One for _the baby."_

"Whatever," Kelvin said flippantly. "Either way. They're close. The celestial pulse we felt, Joshua tracked it to a house nearby."

Castiel's phone was ringing. He knew, without looking at it, that it was Dean. _Again._ He felt horrible.

"You're doing the right thing, you know," Kelvin said, eyeing Castiel's phone. "Committing to Joshua's plan, putting angelkind above the Winchesters. I mean, your reputation in Heaven is –…"

"This has nothing to do with my reputation. I am doing this for the Winchesters, and for Ember. All she wants is to get into Heaven… it's all she's ever wanted, and she's worked _so_ hard. They don't understand… what they've taken on. What I've created. It's not their responsibility, it's… it's mine. I-I stole the Colt to keep them out of this mission and to keep them safe from Dagon, and I – I will kill this child so that Sam and Dean don't have to, and Ember can get into Heaven."

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

The fight for Ember was a close one. Castiel led two other angels, Kelvin and Hozai, into the abandoned house that Ember and Dagon were using. He could already smell Ember upon entering, and he noticed both other angels' nostrils flare. _"Damn,_ " Kelvin said to Castiel through angel radio. " _I get it, man, I really do."_

Castiel ignored him, except to signal him and Hozai to go search for Ember while he tracked down Dagon. Dagon had already left her chair in front of the TV, however, and instead appeared behind him. She threw Castiel backward, and Hozai rushed forward. Castiel moved to help, but Kelvin stopped him. "Find the girl!" he exclaimed.

The sight of Ember in the next room made his heart break. She was thin – _deathly_ thin, as though she hadn't eaten in months. When she turned to look at him, however, her face was full of sheer gratefulness and adoration. "Cas!" she exclaimed, reaching toward him with her hands cuffed. For a second, he imagined that she smiled at him the way she had smiled when they were together, full of love and desire…

But she was having Lucifer's child, and they could never be together again. He reached forward and broke the chain that the handcuffs were attached to. They were a new sort of warding, and he could tell that they held Ember's powers, despite the changes she had gone through as a part of pregnancy. He wondered what Dagon had had to go through to get these handcuffs, but Dagon was very old – she had more resources than perhaps any other demon or angel alive today (aside from Lucifer himself, down in the cage). "I'm sorry, Ember," he whispered. "I can't – not yet. Please understand."

She turned her face away in anger and fear, and a tear fell down her cheek. Castiel's heart broke. Then, without even thinking about it, he took her by the cuffs and led her away from the fighting, and away from Dagon.

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

"So now what?" Ember asked him twenty minutes later. They were speeding down the road in Castiel's truck. "Clearly you've got other plans for me other than, you know, freedom." She held up her bonds accusatorily, and he dropped his head guiltily.

"First, I'm putting as much space between us and Dagon as possible," Castiel answered.

"And then what?" she asked pointedly.

"I am sorry, Ember," Castiel answered. "I've let this go on too long, because I wanted – I hoped you'd come to your senses."

"Fuck you, Castiel," Ember said with a cry.

"I'm sorry for everything," Castiel said desperately. "More sorry than you know. But the son of Lucifer… this is a human/archangel/demon hybrid. That power is beyond comprehension. This child could bring the universe to its knees."

"Or lift it to its feet," Ember said vehemently. "This baby – nothing is born evil. And by the way… it's _not_ Lucifer's. It's _yours._ "

Castiel looked at her properly, for the first time. He wanted to hold her. She was so thin, and yet still so beautiful. For a second, he even allowed himself to imagine that it _was_ his child, and that it wasn't a threat to humanity. But he couldn't afford this weakness.

"You don't know that," he said stiffly.

"Yeah," she answered insistently. "I do. The reason I was there, to take Lucifer down? And again, with Ramiel? And I know you've been talking to another angel, Kelvin. I have premonitions now, and they _all_ surround _you."_

"That doesn't mean anything," Castiel said, though he suddenly found it difficult to swallow. "And even if it's true, it wouldn't make any difference. I'm not as powerful as Lucifer, but the world cannot afford a demonic nephilim."

He turned to her, then, looking her straight in the face. "And you know they won't let you into Heaven? After everything you've done, how hard you worked…"

"I told you, I _already know_ ," Ember said. "I've seen your conversations. And it doesn't _matter._ This child is _good."_

He looked away from her again, steeling himself. "I can't take that chance, I'm sorry," he told her. "None of us can."

"So why didn't you kill it already?" she asked, tears streaming down her cheeks.

He didn't respond. Why _hadn't_ he killed the child yet? Why _wasn't_ he killing it now? He had had plenty of opportunities, in the last ten minutes alone. And still, he hadn't killed the child.

" _Joshua,"_ he said on angel radio. " _I don't think I can do it. Forgive me, I am weak. I-…"_

 _"It is no matter, Castiel,"_ he heard Joshua reply. _"Come to Heaven's gate, and I shall do it. She shall feel no pain, and the child shall ascend straight to Heaven. You shall both be welcome there as well, for doing your duty."_

 _"Thank you, Joshua."_

They traveled onward for another hour, but finally the truck stalled. Irritated and stressed, Castiel stopped at a motel for the night. Ember needed to rest, anyway.

"I'll get you something to put under the handcuffs," he said finally, once they were settled in the motel. She was itching under them horribly, or at least she was trying to. There was something wrong with her wrist, too… he was pretty sure that it was broken. Had she attempted to escape from Dagon?

"I'd like them _off,"_ she said pointedly.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I can't. I know how much you want this child, and I _can't._ But I want you comfortable. You only need one handcuff, anyway."

Ember opened her mouth to protest, then appeared to think better of it, and offered Castiel her wrists.

"Ember, this is not only broken, it's infected!" Castiel exclaimed when he removed the first cuff. She tried to hide it, but he could see her sigh of relief and tiny squirm when the cuff came off.

"I tried cutting it off," Ember admitted.

"I'm so sorry," Castiel said. He healed it with a touch. Then he put some cloth over her arm from his shirt, and handcuffed her again.

"Thanks," she said begrudgingly. "I could've done it myself, if you'd let me take it _off."_

"I'm so sorry," he said again.

"Something happened to me, Castiel," she thoughtfully as he removed the other cuff. He was happy to see that this side was not nearly as grotesque. "I lost hope. I tried – I killed myself. I broke my neck. I _died._ "

Castiel gave her a shocked look. "Ember-…"

"And then… He saved me," Ember said. "He brought me back to life."

"That was the pulse," said Castiel, stunned. "We felt that in Heaven."

"His power, his soul surged through me, and it was good.," Ember insisted. "Pure. I know he is good."

"Ember, what the child did, that's a testament to his power, but it's not proof of some goodness. He needs you alive."

"Maybe," said Ember. "Or maybe it was a miracle. I mean, it was _God_ that told me I was pregnant, and he seemed in favor. Maybe he has a plan."

"No," said Castiel. "Don't you remember how little he cared, in the end? I didn't want to admit it, either. But he's off somewhere with Amara…" Castiel sighed. "I used to believe in a plan. I used to believe that I had some mission. But I have been through enough now to know that everyone is just winging it. Some of us quite badly. Lucifer, he was just breaking toys. He was sowing destruction and chaos, and there is no grand purpose at work. I wish I'd never let him out, because we didn't need him, in the end. And most of all, I wish I had remembered he was the Father of Demons, before-…" he cut off, shaking his head in shame.

"It doesn't matter," she said. "It's _yours."_

"But how _could_ it be?" he said, looking at her finally, with a horrible mixture of guilt and shame. "There were only – only brief _moments_ when I was in con-…"

Suddenly, Ember let out a grunt.

"What?" asked Castiel, alarmed.

"He just – he just kicked," said Ember. "Do you want to feel him?"

"Oh, no," Castiel said, scared.

"You might as well, before you murder him," Ember said accusingly. She reached one hand out and grasped Castiel's.

Castiel was scared, but he supposed Ember was right. If perhaps it _was_ his son, maybe this was the least he could do…

Slowly, he put a hand on her stomach. He felt a kick. His heart leapt. Ember's eyes swam out of focus for a second. Castiel thought he saw, just for a moment, her eyes turn a bright yellow…

"Ember? Ember!" he said, alarmed. He removed his hand from her stomach as though burned.

She looked up at him, suddenly, and gave him a wide grin.

"Cas, we're late!" she said, jumping up.

"To where?" he asked, confused.

"The sandbox. The entrance to Heaven. It's where you're taking me, isn't it?"

Castiel was shocked. "Yes, but-…"

"Okay then," Ember said. She walked over to the truck and opened the hood.

"Ember, come back!" Castiel cried desperately after her. "You can't be out in the open like-…"

"Put your hand here, and charge it with your angel power," Ember commanded him, pointing to the car battery.

"O… o… kay," he said, doing as she asked. He felt somehow that this situation had been taken out of his hands, despite the fact that she was still wearing the handcuffs. He couldn't quite identify how he had lost control of the situation, nor could he identify exactly what she was doing that he didn't like, or that hadn't been approved by the angels.

With a loud roar, the truck came to life. "Where'd you learn how to do that?" asked Castiel.

Ember rolled her eyes. "I've dated Dean on and off for like, seven years," she said. "I was bound to learn _something_ about cars." And with a smile, she grabbed the keys out of his hand and jumped in to the driver's seat.

"Okay, why are you doing this?" Castiel asked, barely managing to climb in next to her.

"Because he chose you, Castiel.," she said. "And because I know what's going to happen, now. I'm happier than I've been in a long, long time. I know now. I understand. When you put your hand on my stomach, I heard him. He spoke to me. He told me that even if it seems scary, if I just went to the gate, if I just followed your plan, that you would make sure he was born."

"Ember, you –…"

"You were going to the gate anyway, weren't you?" she asked him.

"Yes, but-…"

"I'm going in the right direction, am I not?"

"Yes, but-…"

"Then relax," Ember said, smiling at him. "Let's talk, Cas. How have you been these past few months?"

 **December 13th**

Castiel felt good, if confused. Ember had spent the last six hours talking with him as though they were friends again. She had laughed, and giggled, and even given him at least five glances that could've been construed as loving (he had counted). He wasn't sure if he was in Heaven, or if she was about to kill him. But Joshua had _said_ to come to the gate, and she had driven him here…

"Are you sure, Ember?" he asked.

"As long as you're here, I know it's gonna be okay," she said, smiling up at him.

Suddenly, a cloud began to swirl over the sandbox, and Joshua appeared. "Castiel. Ember. It's good to see you."

"Hello, Joshua," Castiel said.

"I know you must be scared," Joshua said. "But don't be."

But then Joshua's mouth opened, and for a second time was frozen. Joshua looked like a grotesque statue… and then, with no warning, he exploded.

Castiel screamed, "No!" and attempted to step in front of Ember, who at the same time had attempted to step in front of him.

Dagon appeared in Joshua's place. "Ugh," she said, flinging ash out of her long black hair. Her eyes fixed on Ember. "Hey, girl. I made it here at the last possible second." She grinned. "J. K," she said, looking at Castiel. "Flipped your pal Kelvin ages ago, then smoked him. I've been here for hours."

"You stay away from her," said Castiel, succeeding this time in his effort to stand in front of Ember. He drew the Colt, but she ducked, knocking it out of his hand. _Again._ He'd failed Ember _again…_ The Colt flew behind him.

And Dagon was on him again. She was beating him, once, twice, three times. "Look at him, your angelic defender," Dagon yelled to Ember. "You really thought he was gonna save you? This sad, fluttering, aimless little moth?" Castiel felt himself being lifted above her head, and he could hear Ember screaming.

Suddenly, he heard an engine revving in the distance, and headlights. It was Sam and Dean!

Dagon dropped Castiel, and suddenly Sam was tossed backward. Castiel struggled to recover, and he saw Dean taking aim with the Colt. Ember was doing her best to use her powers, but with the handcuffs still attached, she was nearly powerless.

Just as Castiel stood up and readied himself to jump back into the fight, Dagon teleported behind Dean. Castiel heard the _crack_ of Dean's arm as it broke, and he grunted with pain.

"Yeah, time to take this off the board," Dagon said, and the next second, the Colt had been turned to melted ash. "Nooo!" Dean screamed.

"Okay, who wants ice cream?" Dagon said, advancing on Ember again.

Castiel stood in front of Ember, resolute, to the last. He would _not_ let Dagon take her.

"Kid, come on," said Dagon. "It's just getting sad."

"Run," Castiel said to Ember.

But she didn't. Instead, Ember took his hand. Her hand felt warm and comforting, but there was something else, something -…"

"Aw!" Dagon chided. "Adorbs!"

Castiel felt the energy coming up his arm, and suddenly, he _felt_ the child. It _was_ his child, he knew that now. He _understood._ It _was_ his child. And it was _good_ …

Dagon raised her hand to deliver her final blow.

"Cas!" screamed Sam.

"No!" screamed Dean.

Castiel held up his hand, and caught her hand. He felt calm, and peaceful, with his other hand in Ember's, and the strength of their child surging through him.

Dagon asked, "How –?"

"Call it a miracle," he said fiercely, and he burned her to ash.

He wasted no time afterward in breaking Ember's handcuffs. He was angry with Dagon, and happy that things had turned out like this, and guilty that it had taken so long.

"Cas?" exclaimed Sam, running toward where Castiel and Ember were standing. "What was that?"

When she was out of the handcuffs, Ember threw her arms around Sam, and he hugged her back.

"It was, um, it was me," said Castiel. "But it was also…" he looked at Ember. He wasn't sure how to put everything that had happened into words yet. He wanted to speak to Ember alone, help her understand that everything was going to be okay. He was terrified she would run off again at the first possible opportunity, even though he knew instinctively that she wouldn't.

"You're hurt," he said, looking at Dean. He held out his hand, healing Dean's arm. After the healing was complete, Ember hugged Dean as well. Dean glanced briefly at Castiel, and there was a certain acceptance in his eyes that made Castiel smile.

"Thank you for coming to fight for us," Castiel said sincerely to the two.

"Yes, thank you," Ember said. "As usual, you saved our bacon. I'm really, _really_ sorry about the Colt, too."

"Are you okay?" Dean asked the two of them.

"I am," Castiel said. "I've been so lost. I'm not lost anymore. And I know now that this is my child… _and,_ that he must be born with all of his power."

Sam shook his head. "Don't you think it's a little more… complicated than that?"

"It is," said Ember. "But… we'll call you. We can't afford to stand around, especially not here. I'm pretty powerful these days, but… not very mobile in a fight."

"Where are you going?" asked Dean.

Castiel looked at Ember, and felt her looking back at him with pure adoration and love. His heart leapt. He wondered, for the first time since they had broken up, if there might somehow be a chance for them after all. He banished the thought as soon as it entered his head; this wasn't the time to be thinking of such things.

"We'll go on the run for awhile," Castiel said, as loudly as possible. If there were still demons around (which there undoubtedly were), it was best to keep the Winchesters safe. "It's better if you don't know. You'll just have to trust me."


	42. S12 Part 4, A Second Chance

**Author's Note: Yay, finally!**

 **Yes, Sam is with Eileen. More information in the sister story, Ember: Half-Demon, Half-Human.**

 **This will be the second to last chapter of this story, because I'm ending it around the time of Tombstone. After this the sister story focuses mostly on Ember and Castiel's on-going story, so feel free to pick it up there. This story was mainly to fill in the gaps from Castiel's point of view during Seasons 4 - 8 and 10 - 12.**

 **Thanks so much, and remember to review!**

December 13th, Morning

When Castiel opened his eyes, the two of them were in what he could only describe as an elaborate home. He caught a glimpse of a bathroom with a Jacuzzi. The bedroom was huge and lavish, and there was a living room with a desk off to one side. In the middle of the bedroom was a couple engaged in what looked like extremely engaging sexual intercourse.

Horrified, Castiel turned toward Ember, but before he could catch her eye she was already teleporting them somewhere else.

This time, Castiel appeared in a smaller house. This house was more modest, with a smaller bed. It didn't appear to be well-kept, but it wasn't rundown either. Castiel could smell water nearby, so perhaps this house was on a lake or a pond.

"Sorry," Ember said, turning to him. "Sometimes my teleport spots are already occupied. I should've warned you, I teleport invisible."

"Where are we?" he asked Ember.

"A lake house," she said. "North Cove, Washington. It's one of my favorites. All of these are summer homes, and these people have been kind enough to tint their windows so the security guy can't tell that the light is on."

"How long have you been here?" he asked her.

She shrugged, waddling over to the small bed. "On and off, but mostly off. I've moved around." She sighed. "I can't continue to move around like I've been doing, though. I'm too tired these days. I need a place to stay until the baby's born. This is pretty out of the way… I suppose it'll do. I've got to sit down for a few minutes, and then I'll go get my stuff."

"Where is it?" Castiel asked. "I'll get it for you." He felt helpless. He felt like an idiot, actually. All this time, he should've been helping her. She was still so thin, and she'd been on her own now for so long…

She snorted. "Not likely. It's in a forest in Texas."

 _"What?"_

Ember laughed, her shoulders heaving as she did so. Castiel thought she looked beautiful, but there was something else… it was almost as if she were happy for the first time in months. He could sense, somehow, that it had been a very long time since she'd smiled like this, a long time since she'd really had anyone to talk to. "There are places I can stay, and places I can leave my stuff. The places I can stay have nice beds, most of the time, but there's also an increased chance of other people being there… like you saw. So I can't leave my stuff there. When I teleport to a new place, I do so invisible, but I can't make my stuff disappear. So when I move around, I teleport, with my stuff, to some sort of forest or out of the way building. I leave my stuff there, and then teleport to a new place to make sure it's… you know… safe, and abandoned. Then I go back for my stuff."

Castiel's brain worked quickly. "And you've been doing this… for _months_ now?"

Ember shrugged, though he thought he caught a slightly blameful look in her eyes.

"I'm sorry, Ember," he said. "I'm sorry for everything. For not listening to you about the child, and for forcing you into this… this…"

Ember walked over to him slowly and put her hand on his. "You're here now… right?"

"Right," he said, placing his other hand over hers.

"And you're not going anywhere? You'll stay until the baby's born, and help me survive it?"

"Yes," he said, looking into her eyes.

"Thank you," she said, and pulled him into a hug. It was the first time in months – years, maybe - that he'd been this close to her, besides touching her hand and her stomach, and he felt suddenly light-headed. He was happier than he had felt in ages.

It felt so good to hold her again.

After they returned from retrieving Ember's belongings, they made an additional trip to the gas station to steal drinks and some food. Ember seemed happy, and Castiel made sure that she ate a full dinner. Afterward, Ember plugged in her computer and turned on some Netflix. She gave Castiel a long-winded explanation about how Charlie had helped give her untraceable access to the internet wherever she was. Castiel didn't understand any of the explanation, but he liked to hear her talk.

Finally, Ember propped her computer up on a table and went to sit down on the sofa. Castiel sat down next to her, unsure of what else to do, but wanting to be close to her.

After about half an hour, Ember announced, "Cas, this sofa's uncomfortable as all hell, and I can't sit up anymore, and I'm cold. Wanna be my pillow?"

"Yes," he said, because he didn't know what else to say.

Thirty seconds later, she was tucked under his arm, his trenchcoat wrapped around her back and arms, and her head lying on the sofa's one tiny pillow in his lap. He still wasn't sure how she got there, but he liked it. For just a few hours, he could pretend that she was his again.

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

Castiel sat in a rocking chair, reading a book by candlelight. He felt as though none of this was real, as though he were in a happy scene from someone else's life. He didn't deserve to have a child, and he definitely didn't deserve to be happy about it. Above all, he didn't deserve to be sitting here, reading a book by candlelight, and watching Ember sleep.

Suddenly she started to moan. Within a few seconds she was thrashing about, and screaming. "Ember," he whispered quietly. "Ember, wake up!"

But it was no good. She had fisted the blankets, and she was saying, "No! No! You can't have him!"

He had to calm her. This couldn't be good for the child, much less Ember herself. He had to do something.

Without thinking, he had crossed the room in two strides and put two hands onto her head. He was in her mind.

He loved being in her mind. The attraction he felt to her due to her powers had only intensified over time, and being in her mind was pure bliss, even when she was having a nightmare. He had forgotten… forgotten how much he craved this… how much he _loved_ this…

But he was here for a purpose. He could see her nightmare. _Ember was holding a baby, and she was clasping Castiel's hand. Lucifer was there, too, and he was surrounded by fire. And he looked like Castiel, but also very, very different. This version of Castiel didn't wear a trench coat, but instead favored a simple shirt and pants. He looked much happier, but up close his face was formed into a sneer and his eyes were red – a distorted version of Castiel. And he was pulling Castiel and Ember closer to him, his arms outstretched. And she didn't want Lucifer, never again. It was Castiel's baby, and she loved Castiel-_

"What the holy _Fuck_ , Castiel!" Ember was screaming.

Castiel found himself pinned to the wall, and Ember was across the room, her arm thrown up in the air and an angry look marring her beautiful face. A second later, she had released him and his vessel was free to move again, but she was still glaring daggers at him.

"I- you were having a nightmare," he stammered.

"So you thought you'd go and read my _mind?!"_ she exclaimed. "Who _does_ that? I've had plenty of nightmares before you came along!"

"I'm sorry, I just thought you'd sleep better-…"

"You have no _right_ to see what's going on in my head!" she screamed at him.

"You – you still love me," he said stupidly, because the words were playing on repeat in his own head, and he couldn't think of what else to say.

She froze. Very slowly, she seemed to deflate, the anger slowly leaving her features and resignation seeping in. "Castiel, I never _stopped_ loving you."

In three strides, he was across the room and kissing her. Nothing else mattered – it was only her, and the rest of the world seemed to slip away. Her lips were parched, but still somehow soft, and endless. His tongue begged entrance and she allowed it, and Castiel was floating.

Castiel felt her stumble, and he caught her. He realized then that she was almost nine months pregnant, and it was really difficult for her to stay standing for that long, let alone let out that much exertion. He helped her back to the bed, loathe though he was to leave her. When he tried to stand up again, however, she pulled him back down to sit next to her, and began kissing him again.

"I don't… I don't understand," he said, looking into her smiling face.

"You broke up with me," Ember said simply. "That… that didn't mean I _ever_ stopped having feelings for you. You must've seen that… when Lucifer was with you."

Castiel shook his head. "When he read your mind, he never let me see what he found out," Castiel admitted.

"Is it so difficult to think that I might still love you?" Ember asked. "You've loved me for… what, like 8 years? I mean…" Suddenly Ember looked doubtful. "You told me you loved me with Ramiel… but I suppose you thought you were going to die…"

Castiel shook his head, and tilted his chin up to look into his eyes. "I love you… I've loved you with everything I've had, for… for years now. And I'll _never_ stop loving you. But… but I'm an _angel._ I mean, humans-…"

Ember rolled her eyes. "God damn you and your stupid angel elitism!" He could tell she was annoyed, but not angry.

"Ember," he said gently, "you know how I feel about-…"

"Fine," she said, teasingly, " _Chuck_ damn then!"

He quirked a smile. "You know, that's not really much bet-…"

"Here," she said finally, and pulled his hand up to her forehead.

There was the blissful feeling again, like he was drowning in chocolate. And then memories assaulted him, one after the other, memories belonging to her. First he saw their kiss, from Ember's perspective, back when Dean had the Mark of Cain. Then the scene morphed to Charlie's apartment complex.

 _"You know it's only because he loves you, right?" Charlie asked._

 _"I don't know that," Ember said. "He won't even look at me."_

 _"He's embarrassed," Charlie said. "He kissed another man's woman."_

 _Ember shook her head sarcastically, holding up her now ringless finger. "You mean the man who threw me across the room and left to go do who knows what with who knows who?" she said, rolling her eyes._

 _Charlie sighed. "When was the last time he actually talked to you?"_

 _Ember sighed too. "When we kissed," she admitted._

 _Charlie sighed again. "He can't avoid you forever," she encouraged._

The scene changed once again, and this time Ember had been crying. She was in a room that Castiel recognized immediately as Dean's, and Dean was there with her.

 _"Did you ever stop loving Castiel?" Dean asked her softly._

 _"No," was her quiet response._

 _"Will you ever love me again, the way you used to?"_

 _Her eyes flitted up to Dean just for a second, before she once again looked down at her lap. Tears were falling onto her lounge pants. "I'm sorry," she whispered. She bit her lip, hard, visibly, drawing blood, but the tears finally stopped. Slowly, she turned to him. "I thought – I thought… I don't know what I thought."_

 _She bit her lip again, and then continued. "I've never loved anyone the way I loved you. And we tried so hard, but in the end… in the end… I don't know, something happened, after Gadreel. And I kept thinking that we could start over, that things would get back to the way they were before, but they just… never did. And you've been so wonderful, and so supportive, and so great, that I just didn't want to-…"_

 _"It's been the same for me, you know," he said._

 _"What?" she asked, looking at him with surprise._

 _"After you were with Cas… it hasn't been the same. I thought that it was, but…" He shook his head. "Things never really felt the same. And then we were both demons, and afterward I thought I was so lucky we were still together… but it was because it was familiar, wasn't it?"_

The scene changed again, and this time Castiel recognized the scene – it was when they had said goodbye, after Amara.

 _"Look, if we survive this… I think I'm gonna take a break from the whole hunting thing," Ember was saying. "You know, with Dean gone, and all, I think it's just best if I sort of… lied low and took some time to heal." Castiel didn't know they had broken up weeks ago._

 _"It's not your fault," she said again, seeing the upset look on his face. "And I don't blame you, or anything like that. It's just… I think I need some… space. You know, a quiet life. For awhile." But she didn't want space, she wanted him to hug her and kiss her, but she had to protect the baby, and she knew Castiel would never accept it…_

"I've never stopped loving you," she said, pulling his hand back from her face and holding it in front of them.

"Ember," he said in awe, and their lips met once more.

 **December 19**

 **SIX DAYS LATER**

It felt like he had only been gone for a minute.

"Where were you?" asked Ember when Castiel found her. She was clutching her stomach, and the thought that things might have progressed while he had been gone made his heart plummet.

"I… um… checking the warding," he said evasively.

"Cas," Ember said warningly. She knew he was lying. She _always_ knew when he was lying.

"It's… it's nothing. A minor complication… with the warding." It was too risky now for her to find out that their son's power had accidentally opened the door to a parallel world in the backyard. She had to be in peak health for his healing to work when she was giving birth. She didn't need stress.

And Lucifer was back in the open, somehow, and they had to leave this place…

He could tell Ember was about to question him further, but suddenly she doubled over.

"Ember?!" Castiel said in alarm.

"The baby," Ember explained, wincing. "Cas, he's coming!"

Castiel's heart stopped.

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

Lucifer was out of the cage, somehow – Sam and Dean had called to let them know. Castiel's plan upon learning this information had been for the Winchesters to come join them and for the four of them (plus Mary and Sam's new girlfriend Eileen) to move around until after the baby was born, by car if needed. Normal demons wouldn't be able to find them, between the wards and their hex bags, but Lucifer was another matter altogether. Ember was giving off power in waves, and Lucifer, for one, would be drawn to it. It was too much to hope that he wouldn't try to find them. Perhaps if they stayed on the move until Ember gave birth, they had a chance.

But now Ember couldn't be moved. They would simply have to prepare as best they could for Lucifer's arrival, and face him if he came. The Winchesters were already on their way.

Castiel had been soothing Ember for the past hour, with light kisses on her face, and energizing her with his angel powers. He hated seeing her in pain, but he also knew that this was "part of the process".

"Jesus, when is this going to be over?" she said frustratedly, gritting her teeth.

"You're a first time mother," Castiel said. "I don't think things change just because you're birthing an angel… it could be hours."

"I _know_ that," Ember snapped at Castiel, her teeth gritted against the pain. "It's a rhetorical question."

Castiel sent her a pitying look. "I'm still sorry, Ember. I believe firmly that this child has to live. But I'm sorry every minute of my existence that you have to go through this."

Ember smiled gently at Castiel. "Well, Cas," she sighed. "I think at least that part is a normal father thing."

Castiel gave a wry smile. He was still having trouble thinking of himself as a father, even though it had been almost a week now since he had committed to this journey. He supposed that humans had much longer than one week to get used to being a father, despite the fact that humans were used to things happening very fast.

"Cas?" Ember said, breaking him out of his reverie.

"Yes."

"Thank you," she said, lifting her hand onto his cheek. He leaned into her touch.

"Even if this doesn't work, and I die, I know you'll be a good father. I – I love you."

"I love you too," Castiel said. "And it will work."

It _had_ to work. And outside, the rift glowed brighter.

With a sigh of relief, Castiel recognized the sound of the Impala pulling up outside. Castiel jumped up to meet them on the stairs. **"** Dean?"

"OK," Dean said, "Are you guys ready to hit the road?"

But Castiel shook his head. "She can't be moved. She's having a–…"

Ember was groaning again in pain. Castiel moved quickly to check on her, but Mary stopped him, putting a hand on his chest. "I'll check on her," the older woman said, and Sam's new girlfriend Eileen followed her.

"There's been a problem," Castiel whispered to the brothers after the women were gone. "Come with me." And he led them both to the backyard, and through the rift to the other world.

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

"Cas, what's going on out there?" Ember asked when he returned with the brothers. She was sweating, and Castiel realized that the contractions had become closer together and she was much closer to delivery than she had been when he'd left. "And _don't_ tell me it's nothing, Castiel, or that it's some damn problem with the warding, because I'm not _stupid."_

Castiel looked at Sam and Dean. Dean shook his head and Sam raised his eyebrow. _Don't tell her,_ their faces seemed to say. But Mary looked exasperated, Eileen looked frustrated, and Ember's eyes were boring a hole into his.

Finally, Castiel said, "The child's power has caused a sort of… a rift. Between this universe and the next. It's a sort of wormhole."

"We have a plan though," said Dean, who was glaring at Castiel. "If Lucifer comes, I mean. The rift could be a good thing."

For the next hour, the group talked about logistics for their plan. After awhile, however, it seemed all possibilities had been exhausted, and Lucifer still hadn't shown up yet. Ember had still not dialated enough yet to begin the birth, either, though it was getting closer.

"You're an angel, can't you, like, speed this up?" asked Mary after Ember underwent a particularly painful contraction.

Castiel shook his head. "I have no control over anything happening until the child begins to emerge. At that point, it will be my job to heal Ember as quickly as possible, though even this isn't foolproof."

Everyone went silent for a few seconds after this, until finally Ember said, "Wow, Cas, way to bring down the party."

After that, eventually the conversation shifted to other things – to Bobby, and to recent hunting trips, and to a long-winded story about how Dean had killed Hitler that everyone but Ember had heard about a million times. Ember also called her other children to tell them she loved them. "Just in case this is the end," was what she didn't say, and it made Castiel's heart constrict. He was happy to be with Ember, happy to have this child, even. But if she died, Castiel honestly wasn't sure how he would go on.

Finally, just when a particularly violent contraction was ending, Castiel froze. He could feel his brothers' nearness… "He's coming," he told the others. "We need to get ready." He walked over to Ember and kissed her swiftly on the lips. "I'll be back, I promise," he told her. "I love you." Her face, full of love and adoration, nearly broke him, but he determinedly followed the Winchesters out of the room to deal with Lucifer.

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

"Well, this is a fun surprise," said Lucifer. He was walking casually up the front sidewalk. Castiel stood in front of the small cottage, flanked by Dean, Sam, Mary, and Eileen. Lucifer would _never_ come near his child.

"I gotta hand it to you guys," Lucifer said. "You never give up, even when you should. Even when it would be so stupid not to."

"Look, whatever you're planning on doing, Chuck… God will stop you, just like he did last time," said Sam. If only.

"You're right," Lucifer mocked. "What should I do? Oh, God! Don't strike me dead! Come on, Sam. You sound like a virgin in Jesus camp. 'We can't. God is watching.' No. Chuck 'walked.' He's gone."

"So you're just gonna smash his toys?"

"Exactly," said Lucifer.' "Cause every time I look at this sad trash fire of a world, you know what I keep thinking? I could do so much better."

"So Apocalypse, take two. That's your plan?"

"When in doubt, go with the classics," Lucifer responded. "That's what I always say. Well, boys, enough with the foreplay. Let's do this."

"You know it's not _your_ child, right?" snapped Castiel.

"Yeah," Lucifer said looking bored. "I've figured that out by now, thanks. But I can always take Mini-Cas, and the half-demon, and…" he smiled an evil smile. "Make some of my own."

Castiel charged at Lucifer with his angel blade then, but Lucifer batted him aside easily.

Dean and Sam looked at Castiel, then at each other, and then took off running. As they'd hoped, Lucifer chased Sam and Dean.

Castiel said a quick prayer to his father for his friends, but he had other worries. The baby was coming.

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

Ember was breathing hard, and sweat covered her face. Castiel thought she looked beautiful, bearing his son. He was ready to heal her, though he didn't dare do it yet… the baby wasn't out yet. Downstairs, in another universe, Sam, Dean, and even the demon Crowley were fighting for their lives.

Suddenly, Castiel heard shouting, and gunfire. First Sam's voice, then Dean's. There was a fight… someone was fighting downstairs. The plan hadn't worked! Had the spell to close the rift not worked, or was it a matter of the unknown factor? Crowley hadn't known how long the rift would stay open once the spell was activated. Perhaps the rift had closed, but Lucifer had made it back through to this side? As one, the women headed downstairs, and there was more shouting.

Castiel was watching out the window. "What's – aaaaaagugggggugghh – going on?" Ember screamed at him.

"Lucifer's come back through the rift with Sam and Dean," Castiel said, alarmed. "I can't see Crowley. They're fighting downstairs, but…" He left off as he saw Lucifer stab Eileen through the stomach.

"Cas, I'm not even dialated enough yet," she said softly.

"But you're close… and it won't take long," he protested. He didn't dare leave her now. He watched, wincing as Dean was thrown across the yard.

"Cas, it – aaaaaaaaggggggghhhhh damn it! Just go!"

And then Lucifer broke away from the melee and began heading toward the house. "He's – he's coming!" Castiel told Ember, panicking. As quick as he could, he ran downstairs.

Eileen was holding a wound in her stomach, off to the side. Sam had tended to her, but he was now fighting Lucifer. Both had abandoned their blades, and were simply punching every part of each other they could find. Dean ran forward once more, but as Castiel jumped into the battle Lucifer broke away from Sam and used his powers to toss Dean backward into a tree, where he fell limply, unconscious, blood dripping from a wound on his head. Mary was limping forward with a large gash torn into her left leg.

Castiel leapt at Lucifer, but Lucifer feinted left, then spun around. Castiel knew what was going to happen before it happened, as if the fight was going in slow motion. He had leapt too far, and recovered too slowly. He felt Lucifer's angel blade as it entered, and knew this was the end.

He could hear Ember screaming his name from somewhere above him. And he would never meet his son…


	43. S13, Return from the Empty and Beyond

**Author's Note: So as explained, this is the last chapter. Castiel and Ember's story will continue in the sister story, Ember: Half-Demon, Half-Human... this story was mostly a way for me to explain Castiel's point of view in Seasons 4-8 and 10-12 (with Castiel and Ember together during the other seasons, Season 9 and Season 13+.**

 **Thank you to everyone who has read, and please review!**

 **UNKNOWN**

 _"Mother,"_ someone called. " _Father."_ Castiel knew, somehow, that it was his son. _Jack_ , Ember had named him. Jack was calling him.

Castiel's eyes flew open. Everything was black. The darkness stretched on for ages, like an endless dark cloud. Yet somehow, Castiel was laying on something flat.

Castiel sat up, and immediately spotted Ember.

"Ember!" he cried in relief, jumping to his feet.

"Mmmm…" She said, pushing him away.

He began to shake her. "Ember! Wake up!"

"Cas!" she cried, her eyes flying open.

He threw his arms around her. He didn't know where they were, and everything was dark… but the love of his life was here with him. He could tell it was _really_ her by her smell and by the way she was grinning back at him.

 _We should be dead_ , Castiel remembered suddenly. He remembered being killed by Lucifer – of that he was certain. Ember must've died too, he realized with horror, from the birth of their son.

Castiel followed Ember's gaze downward, and realized that she no longer carried the baby weight. She looked thin and robust – not emaciated as she had been near the end of the pregnancy, but trim and healthy. Her eyes widened, and she grabbed Castiel's hand as though it was a lifeline. Her hand felt warm, and her eyes were blown wide and scared. "Cas… where are we?"

"The Empty… I think," he answered.

The vastness of the black swallowed them both whole, like an endless and uncomfortable blanket. He would protect them both – of that he was certain. Here at the end of all things, in this new place, he would do his best to keep them safe.

 **STILL UNKNOWN**

Castiel thought they must've been in this dark, open place for at least a month. They had wandered around endlessly. They had sat and had long conversations about what to do next. They had kissed. They had cried.

He was trying to stay strong for Ember, but he felt constantly on edge, and was beginning to fall into despair. Ember's hand kept him present in the moment, though – nothing was more important than her hand in his.

They could feel that someone was following them. They hadn't discussed it, but both of them kept looking backward and around, as though someone would suddenly materialize.

Finally, Castiel said, "I know you're there. I can feel you."

Slowly, a being materialized behind them. He had taken on Castiel's form, but he was grinning too widely, and smiling too creepily. Ember squeezed his hand, and he could sense her fear. "Hello," he said.

"What are you?" said Castiel.

"Oh, I'm just your friendly neighborhood cosmic entity," the other man said in a nasally voice.

"Why do you look like me?" asked Castiel.

"Oh, yes," said the entity. "Yes, yes. Well, I show up in my real form, and you freak out, rip out your own eyes, et cetera. That would be embarrassing, wouldn't it? For both of us."

Ember swallowed hard, and Castiel guessed that she was trying out her force powers. "That won't work on me, demon girl," said the entity mockingly.

"What is this place?" asked Castiel, squeezing Ember's hand.

"Oh, yes. Excellent question," said the entity. "You see, before God and Amara, creation, destruction, Heaven, Hell, your precious little Earth, what was there?"

"Nothing," Castiel answered.

"Yes. That's right. Nothing. Nothing but Empty. And you are soaking in it. Angels and demons, you all come here when you die."

"Every angel that ever died is here?" asked Castiel.

"Yes, sleeping an endless, peaceful sleep," said the entity, jeering at him. "You know I… I was sleeping, too. Hey, uh, since we're pals, there's something I've gotta know. I've just gotta ask. Hmm."

Here the entity took on its most jeering look yet, and its eyes seemed suddenly painful to look at. "Why are you awake? 'Cause fun fact—in all of forever, nothing ever wakes up here. I mean, ever. Ever. And second fun fact—when you woke up, I woke up, and I don't like being awake. So…what's up, smart guy?"

"I don't know," said Castiel honestly.

"Well, think!" yelled the entity.

"The Winchesters. Sam and Dean, they must've made a deal," Castiel said, because it was the only thing the two of them had come up with during their long conversations.

"No. No, no, no. Not with me, and I'm—I'm the only one that has any pull here. Not Heaven, not Hell, not G-O-D himself. So think harder." He pushed Castiel. "Rack that perky little brain of yours."

Ember moved to get in front of Castiel, but the entity poked her as well, and she flew backward.

"Stay away from us," snapped Castiel angrily. He moved backward so as to cover Ember while still staying away from the entity himself.

"Okay, fine. I'll rack it for you," said the entity.

Suddenly the entity was standing right in front of him, and its hands were on Castiel's and Ember's heads, and Castiel felt only pain. He could hear Ember screaming, and the screams mingled with his own until he could no longer tell which one was which.

Then, finally, it stopped.

"What did… What did you do to me?" asked Castiel, scrambling to once again get in front of Ember.

"I—I read your mind, such as it is."

"What do you want?" snapped Ember finally.

"What do I want? I want you to shut up. I want—hmm. Having you awake, it's like a gnat flew right up here and it's trapped and it's buzzing."

"Having me awake causes you pain," Castiel said with more strength than he felt. He could not allow the entity to touch Ember again. A plan was slowly beginning to take shape in his mind.

"If you can't sleep, I can't sleep. Yeah?" jeered the entity. "And I like sleep. I need sleep."

"Then get rid of me," dared Castiel, and he took a step closer to the entity.

"Oh, I should, should I?"

"Send us back to Earth."

"Or I throw you so deep into the Empty that you can't bother me anymore, hmm?" challenged the entity.

"Except you know that won't work, or you would've done it already," snapped Castiel. He squeezed Ember's hand again to reassure her, or perhaps to reassure himself.

"Pretty smart," said the entity. "Pretty smart, dummy."

"Send… Us… Back," Castiel said, and his voice was firm.

"That's not part of the deal. No, no. Besides, you don't want to go back," said the entity.

"I thought you read our minds," snapped Ember.

"Oh, save it," said the entity. "I know what you hate. I know who you love… what you fear. There is nothing for you back there. No. Here. Let me show you."

Once again, the entity's hand was on Castiel's head. He could see every bad thing that had ever happened to him. The Fall of Lucifer, and the Egyptian plauges… even the things Naomi had hidden were now laid bare to him. He saw his last meeting with Domiel as friends, and Anna's death, and his own deaths, and the angels falling…

Then, suddenly, it stopped. "Come on!" said the entity. "Let it end!"

The entity kicked Castiel. "Just let's lay down. Let's just try and sleep. Hmm? Think about it. Infinite peace, yes? No regrets. No pain. Kiddo, save yourself."

"I'm already saved," said Castiel, scrambling to his feet.

The entity kicked Ember, who went sprawling across the black nothingness. Castiel moved toward it, but the entity kicked him again.

Castiel stood up slowly, and Ember got up too, following him to confront the entity. " _I want to see my son. And Sam, and Dean…"_

Castiel took her hand again, squeezing it. "You can prance and you can preen and you can scream and yell and remind me of my failings but somehow, I'm awake. And I will stay awake and I will keep you awake until we both go insane."

The entity punched Castiel, but he didn't let go of Ember's hand. They both flew backward. He looked at Ember, just briefly, a fierce look in his eyes, and she nodded. "We will fight you," Castiel said. "Fight you and fight you for…ever. For eternity."

"No. No," said the entity.

Castiel and Ember approached the entity, staring it in the face, and Castiel held tight to Ember's hand. "Release us," he commanded. "Release… us."

 **March 28**

Castiel was lying in field. He could feel the scratchy wildlife even though his pants. He scrambled up hurriedly in alarm, but, just as he'd hoped, Ember was lying right next to him.

"Ember. Wake up."

She was nonresponsive. "Ember!" Cas yelled, beginning to shake her as panic set in.

"Cas," Ember whispered, her eyes flying open.

"Ember," he said. Relief flooded through him, and he hugged her, lifting her to her feet.

They were in the middle of a large field, what must've been miles from civilization.

"We made it!" Ember said, letting out a yell of relief. Castiel kissed her on the mouth, and he lost himself in this victory kiss, and her smell.

When he set her down, her stomach growled, and he laughed. "Typical," he said.

"Where are we?" she asked him.

"Somewhere in rural South Carolina," Castiel said, using his angel powers to sense the world around him.

Ember sighed. " _When_ are we?"

"March 28, 2017," he said immediately. "Four forty-five in the evening."

" _March?!"_ Ember said, alarmed. "We've been dead for _three months?"_

"I'm not sure how it all works," Castiel said. "But it doesn't feel that long."

Ember sighed. "Well, c'mon, let's go." She held Castiel's hand and closed her eyes, but nothing happened.

"What the hell?!" Ember said, angrily.

Castiel put his hand on her, sensing her powers. "Your powers have reverted to what they were immediately after the Apocalypse," he explained. "To your original level."

"What!?" she exclaimed, horrified. "Why?"

"You are no longer pregnant with a half-angel, half-demon child," he reminded her. "And Lucifer is shut in the alternate reality. At least I assume, because I can't sense him."

"But what about after I became a demon?" Ember said. "When I – when I almost went dark side, and afterward I was able to teleport-…"

Castiel shook his head. "You don't seem to have retained the residual power from the Demon Blood Bonds. This is a clean slate, in all respects, I suppose," he said. "You no longer bear the marks of pregnancy, either. My guess is that your old scars are healed, too."

"Shit, shit, shit, shit, SHIT," she said.

Castiel smiled at her. "We should be happy," he reminded her. "If this is indeed a clean slate, the angels will allow you to enter Heaven now. You may have to earn your way back again, but this won't take you long."

"I _am_ happy," Ember said, sighing. "I just… I liked being able to teleport."

"I liked being able to fly, too," Castiel reminded her. "But it seems I was not as lucky with the clean slate."

Ember sighed. "Well, walking it is, then," she said. She went invisible, then reappeared. "Thank God," she said. "At least I still have that. I can grab some money when we get back to town, and we can be back in Kansas by tomorrow evening."

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

It had been a long day. They had spent an hour or so walking back to civilization. Ember had walked into a bank, invisible, and grabbed about $600, which would be enough money until they returned to Kansas. Afterward, Ember had grabbed a meal from Wendy's, and then bought a new cell phone from the local AT&T.

Dean and Sam were excited to hear from them, of course, but Castiel could tell that Dean in particular was skeptical at best.

"Look, I don't know who you are and what you're playing at, but-…"

There was a clatter, and Castiel suspected that Sam had intercepted the phone call. Sure enough, Sam's voice said, "Look, Ember, if you really are back, we'd be… I mean…" He stopped, his voice full of emotion. "But you can understand our skepticism," he finished finally.

The rocks in the parking lot outside of the AT&T store began to shake, and Castiel realized that it was Ember venting her frustration. He put a calming hand on her shoulder, and the rocks clattered to the ground. "Jack. My – our son," she said, looking over at Castiel. "Sam, please. Is he… is he okay? Is he with you guys? And Krissy…"

Castiel could hear Dean yelling, "Don't tell her _anything!"_

Sam sighed. "Ember, you have to understand, until we can…"

"I know, Sam," she snapped into the receiver. "Just tell me… tell me if they're okay. If they're _hurt,_ or… and Jack…"

"Everyone's alive," Sam said. "No one is hurt."

There was more to the story, Castiel could tell, but he could also sense that Sam was telling the truth – everyone was alive, and no one was hurt. Finally, Ember gave a sigh of relief and made arrangements to meet them at the halfway point between their locations, somewhere in southern Illinois, the following afternoon.

It wasn't until they had finally stopped at a hotel for the night that a new feeling began to creep its way into Castiel's mind. Ember had said she was going to take a shower, and left the bathroom door open.

It was what she used to do… before. Before their break-up, before his war against Metatron, before Lucifer, before Amara, before Jack. Before the Winchester brothers even knew about their relationship, back when it was just the two of them, and he was human and working at that stupid gas station in Rhode Island.

He wanted… things that he had wanted every day, ever since that last time, a few days before she had become a demon. He had never believed he could have that with her again, though - not even during the nearly two weeks they had been together before their death, when she was nearly nine months pregnant. It had been discussed, of course, and perhaps sex would have occurred had she _not_ been about to give birth…

Still, even that conversation had occurred nearly 3 months ago, now. Being with Ember in that way seemed like it was a lifetime ago, and Lucifer had forced his way between them since then. Castiel knew that Ember had forgiven him for letting Lucifer into his vessel, and everything that had happened as a result, but this was a new step entirely.

And yet the door was left open.

Castiel paced just out of eyeshot of the bathroom. Perhaps he could look in and see – no, that wouldn't work.

What would Dean do?

Fine. Just… _fine._ Life was too short, even for an angel – especially for an angel in love with a half-demon.

The moment he entered the bathroom, he felt her, her eyes met his, and the look she gave him shook him, settling somewhere south of his waistline.

She had been drying herself when he entered, but as he watched she tossed aside the towel. She looked just like he remembered her, from before the pregnancy. Not that she didn't look beautiful during the pregnancy – he had wanted her just as badly then, of course. A fully sentient nephilim son had made that impossible at the time, however, so he hadn't even attempted it. He had settled for the sheer pleasure of access to her mind on a few occasions, which had been truly amazing, and far more than he deserved.

Now, however, she was naked, and she was alone, and she was _his_ , and there was nothing between them but his clothes. His trenchcoat was off halfway across the bathroom floor, and she met him shortly after that, her hands tearing at his dress shirt and his hands cupping her naked bottom and forcing her against the wall.

She struggled again with his dress shirt and he became frustrated and simply vanished it, along with his pants. Then he was inside her, and he had barely touched her when she arched against him in her first orgasm of many (he would make sure of that).

It had been a very long time, and it was going to be a very long night.

 **March 29**

The plan had been for Ember to sleep at the motel room, but that hadn't exactly happened, and neither of them were particularly upset about it. Their nighttime activites had left Ember more exhausted than ever, so Castiel drove for most of the day while Ember slept in the car, her hand resting lightly on his thigh.

Finally, they reached the assigned meeting place for ditching their stolen car and hooking up with the Winchesters, a cross-street in southern Illinois. Ember held her silver knife at the ready, along with holy water cut with salt. The couple knew the boys hadn't believed her over the phone, and would need proof.

"Cas, is that really you?" asked Dean, stepping away from the Impala once Ember had finished the "salt-silver-holy water" process. "Em… Ember?"

Ember smiled, running to hug first Dean, and then Sam.

"You – you died," said Sam. "Both of you. We-…"

"We were dead," said Castiel. "But then I… annoyed an ancient cosmic being so much that he sent us back."

"I don't even know what to say," Sam said, his large body still draped around Ember's.

"I do," said Dean, embracing Castiel. "Welcome home, pal." Dean smiled at his friend, and Castiel knew then that all was forgiven. He offered a large smile in return, a rarity for him.

"Where were you?" Sam asked. "In Heaven?"

"No," Castiel answered as Sam disentangled himself from Ember to hug Castiel. "No, I was in the Empty."

"Really?" Dean asked, helping Ember into the back of the Impala.

"Apparently, it's where angels and demons go when they die. And Ember… you know they wouldn't let her go to Heaven after…" He shrugged apologetically.

"What was it like?"

"Well, it's dark and...nothing," Castiel answered. "It's like...nothing. I was sleeping, and then I heard a voice that said my name, and I woke up. I thought you… had done something."

"No, we… we didn't even think we could bring you back," said Dean in surprise. Castiel and Ember shared a significant look.

"So who was it?" asked Sam. "Chuck – uh, God?"

"No," said Ember.

"No, he has no power in the Empty," confirmed Castiel.

"Well, then, who does?" asked Dean.

 _Jack._

 **~ANGELS WILL FALL~**

Sam and Dean spent the next several hours explaining to Ember and Castiel everything that had happened since they had died. Ember looked as relieved as Castiel felt upon learning that Sam and Dean had taken in Jack. He felt a very human sense of pride as they described Jack's adventures so far. Jack _was_ turning into a good person, even though Ember and Castiel hadn't been there for the first three months of his life.

So much had happened, though. Castiel was used to the whirlwind of emotions and events that had assaulted him during the times that he had been nearly human, but he wasn't used to feeling like this as an angel. He felt as though he had been on a rollercoaster. He wanted to settle down with Jack, and Ember, and perhaps Ember's other children, and be a _family._ On the one hand it felt like a wholly new desire, but somehow Castiel realized that he had always wanted this.

Finally, the four of them crossed the threshold of the bunker. Ember grabbed Castiel's hand. He smiled at her, and she giggled out loud, which only made his smile bigger.

Jack was typing at a computer in the living room when they walked in. He was engaged, and didn't look at them. "How'd your case go?" he asked distractedly.

He was tall, and lanky. His wings were stunning, though Castiel realized he was the only one that could see them. They were large and golden-brown, and Castiel looked forward to being able to teach him how to fly properly.

"Well…" said Dean.

"Jack, um…"

"What's wrong?" asked Jack, swiveling around, his eyes wide. Castiel squeezed Ember's hand as they stepped out of the shadows. Castiel noticed that Jack's grace shined similar to his – the same hue and shape and feeling. They were more similar than any two angels alive, and it erased any doubt as to the boy's father. Castiel felt another sharp swoop of pride.

"Hello, Jack," Castiel said.

Jack's eyes had shot wide. "F-father? _Mother?"_

Ember nodded and smiled.

"No," Jack said wonderously. "We burned your body, and what's burned stays dead. How..."

"Well, that's the question we've been askin'," said Dean.

"Jack… did you, uh… Did you bring Cas back?"

Jack considered. "I don't know. I wanted you back. I… _begged_ for you to come back, but..."

"Well, here they are," said Dean.

"Because of me?" Jack said, looking at Sam. Castiel understood that Sam had been like Jack's father these past few months. He wished he could've been there. He wanted to make up time with his son. He would teach him everything – about angels, about Enochian, and Heaven, and Hell, and how to fly.

"We don't know," Sam admitted. "We don't know, Jack. But we– we– we think maybe."

"Thank you, Jack," said Castiel solemnly, amazed. They stared at each other for a second, and then Jack came over and embraced the two of them, without preamble. Castiel lost herself in the hug – _finally_ , his _son._

"I missed you so much," Jack said.

"Sam and Dean tell me you're doing well," Castiel said, but he couldn't keep his affection out of his voice.

"I am," Jack said grinning. "I… Watch this."

Jack walked back to the table with the computer, and used his finger to levitate a pencil for a few seconds, then laughed.

"Wow," said Sam, with a small smile toward Ember.

"I can move the pencil," he said, looking at both of his parents for approval.

It was perfect.

Castiel smiled at the people around him – the love of his life, his two best friends, and his son. He didn't know what would happen next. He was sure there would be monsters, because there were always monsters. If he was lucky, perhaps there would be more nights like the previous one.

What he did know was at that moment, he felt that with the love of all of the people in that room, he could survive anything. And, for the first time, he was truly happy to be a Fallen angel.


End file.
